B_I
finally!
maybe now you have finally come to the place where God can help you. All this time, you have focused on your R, your H, the A, and toyed with working through your own self but its not til you get to the bottom of the barrel that God can come pick you up, dust you off, and begin to work the wonderful miracles in you that He has in store.
realizing totally, surrendering totally, giving up control totally--that's when the way is free for God to work.
i know you have been trying to let go. i've read your struggles, but you have to admit, your focus is still on what your h is doing/not doing in your R; how you are trying so hard, but he's NOT; you are still looking for him to step up to the plate and make your m work, for you are doing all you can do for it. He's depressed, He's still blaming you, He's not trying, He's...etc.
stop worrying about him and what he's doing. start worrying about you. God has been patiently waiting for you. Once He gets his hands on you, then your H will see the difference and, once he sees its safe, then he might start to tentatively open up to you.
We have to die to self, we have to stop blaming, stop expecting ANYthing in return, stop WANTING. Let It Go.
Focus on your own self and healing your past.
only then will happiness be able to live in your heart.
I'll be praying for you...
jacqm

 

You are a beautiful, brave person and I wish you all the best as you sort through all the bad habits and all your present-day hardships. I don't know why we don't feel God's intervention more often, or why he leaves us hanging like this... but I know that the "cure" for all this is knowing/feeling that we are loved despite what we do and despite what happens to us. I wish God would remind us of this... but maybe we just have to remind each other. You are loved. Someone up there (as well as some people down here) is cheering for you--after each argument, after each bout of crying, and after each post.

 

I think I disagree with jacqm's comment, if I understand it correctly. I believe that you have been agonizingly ready to have God get his hands on you, that you've been pleading for just that kind of growth grace, that your work with counselor and conscience has been rigorously self-critical just as much as it has been outward-focused.

In my view, the last couple months on this blog have been as painful a self-confession as I've ever been privy to.

If I'm wrong (and jacqm's right), then you should indeed turn the focus on you and let yourself get caught by divine providence.

However, I think the blockage isn't denial or unwillingness or a failure allow pride to be broken.

AIS, I believe you've articulated enough brokenness to choke on.

You don't need more humility or regret, in my opinion. And you've been all but begging for grace, and taking yourself to counseling for plenty long enough for it to have supposed to work.

So what gives?

Maybe God has a mysterious plan, in which your broken spirit serves a greater purpose. If so, none of us have anything sensible to say about that.

Maybe God is delivering grace through messengers or service that haven't yet reached your doorstep. And his timing will be seen to be perfect, when it ripens in its season.

Or maybe the strategies you are using to grow don't work like you think they do.

Example: counseling to CHANGE FEELINGS directly doesn't usually work, in my experience. Instead, what works best is to learn how to manage BEHAVIOR, DESPITE feelings. Emotional over-reactions to triggers resist your efforts to change, but you can get better and better at intentionally managing your behaviors when you have them.

Praying for God to remove the over-reactions is like asking for a divine lobotomy. God won't diminish us, maim us, handicap us even when we ask for it.

The brain-based systems that over-react are designed to protect us in dangerous environments. They get mis-programmed when childhood trauma is acute and chronic, and they are so designed that they don't forget.

Bad news: some events may ALWAYS trigger emotional over-reactions. Good news: you CAN gain control over your behavior, even when your emotions are running amok.

 

It sounds to me like you need to get yourself into an Abuser Treatment Program. Regular counseling probably isn't enough. Even if it's too late to save your marriage (I hope not!) it's not too late to save yourself.

Be well.

 

to respond to Dr. Mark's comments and I agree with what he says, I just don't put it as well.

i think its a shift in expectations that i'm referring to. Once the focus is off the relationship and the immediate results, then we can focus on repairing ourselves and becoming the person we need/want to be. Stop the blaming and the negative introspection of the past and move forward in faith.
In faith, because the results are not always immediate so they seem non-existent, therefore faith is in expecting results to be there in time and moving forward anyway.

You have acknowledged your failings. Start moving forward proactively...you ARE growing, improving and changing. Keep up the good work.

"You don't need more humility or regret, in my opinion. And you've been all but begging for grace, and taking yourself to counseling for plenty long enough for it to have supposed to work"

So true! That's what I meant about taking your eyes off the relationship, your husband and what he does, and concentrate on letting God heal and change you. Only then will the dynamics change in your relationship.

You can't help but be hurt and react to your husband and what he does/doesn't do. You can't change him, you can only change you--and, thank God, that is enough!
Remember your choice to be joyful after your accident, and how frustrated you were when your husband chose to be more negative?

i just feel that you have been digging through the dirt of your past and your failings and your blame so much that it may be making it hard for you to move forward.

 

I wish I had some great words of wisdom to give, but I am dry at the moment.

I have to say that I agree with Dr. Rogers. There are triggers that cause our behaviors. So while we can't change the way we feel, we can control the way we react by identifying our triggers.

I'm a compulsive overeater. I understand triggers... though i'm still on a journey to discover my own.

I believe that you are strong enough in your faith to get through this whether the marriage works out or not. I hope that everything works out well for you and that you are able to achieve the happiness you deserve!