Yet another draft half-finished from January 5, 2008. God, I am so glad this isn't going to be the rest of my life. Period. Happy New Year.
yeah, really? well, no. not so much at this time. but there's always tomorrow, right?
like maybe ... maybe my husband will come to bed and face me, give me a foot, or dare we hope? a hug of some sort.
i cleaned the basement a week ago while he was out of town, it was a surprise. I worked on it for about 12 hours during the onset of a nasty headcold. I was quite pleased with the outcome, and fantasized that i would get a passionate kiss in response. (he does appreciate a clean and re-organized room, but apparently would not go so far as to kiss me over it.)
perhaps he will look up with a smile - or look up. at. all. - when I come into a room? um, no. thanks for playing
will he put an arm around me while we're on the sofa? well, no. he would have to be Plastic Man to reach that far. and yet he snuggles up on the sofa with our children daily. seeks them out to kiss them hello or goodbye, walking past me to do it.
2007 came and went without a real kiss, a sexual/sensual act of any sort, or even the touch of any private parts of female/male anatomy. and i thought 2006 was bad? I'm such an optimistic idiot, and it's slowly dawning on me how and why that is. Actually just the how; no clue on the why. This marriage has been difficult from the get-go, mostly. The bestest and yummiest part of our relationship was long, long ago. So much between Then and Now makes me cringe to think of it. Fault on both sides, yadda yadda.
Fire up a colortini, sit back, relax, and watch the pictures, now, as they fly through the air.
-broadcaster Tom Snyder,1935-2007
Wheeee! Lots of sh!t flying through the air.
Sure enough, I open my mouth and satan sees where to get me. Fcuker. The engine noise has been so loud in the last week, I just want to lay down and give up. He who is in me is greater, He who is in me is greater, He who is in me....
I am weary of this seesaw I live on. Hope - and change, and then backsliding and nothing good. Fall is in the air ...literally.
Ya'll, truly. I'm ashamed to post anymore. I cannot imagine what a fcuking SNORE it is to read 'hey, big insight' and then 'hey, i still suck'. I hate being me, and then every once in a while I don't. I keep pushing this elephant up the stairs, I keep blowing it, yet I keep having hope. Many days, I honestly do not know why, other than God won't let me quit completely. And, lucky you, are stuck on the ride with me.
I also feel like I'm giving God a bad rap. Not like I'm some big influence or He can't take it, but I keep saying Yay God about stuff that happens, thinking I'm on the upswing, giving Him credit. And then BOOM, I crash, my inner garbage coming out from underneath the carpet where I've apparently swept it, and it kind of makes God look bad to those of you who don't know Him well.
I am not representing Him worth a sh!t. This is not God's fault, it's mine. And looking back over old posts from last fall/winter, some of my world is different and yet much of my Insight remains un-acted-upon. Again, that's my fault. Emotional impotence.
I have seen changes in me, and I write those first to encourage myself. The most positive changes have been with my children. I have been, in the past, a scary horrible no-good parent. Selfish, downright mean, and easily irritated by small people who were not intentionally doing me harm.
Every parent struggles with pieces of this puzzle, but my struggles were more than sleep-deprivation and normal stress. There was a black place inside me, still is, that puts a shield between myself and my family. Cannot put words on it, but it was ugly with the people who least deserved it. And rose up in a swift tsunami-type fashion when it came.
If nothing else, that change in me is Real. And I weep, that deep-down painful sorrow of regret, when I think back. I would give anything, anything to rewind -and tape over- that part of my movie.
I look back in my rearview mirror with a clarity that I don't have in The Moment (or The Month, or The Year). Honestly, I feel like I'm several years behind myself. Like now, for instance. I'm learning much about me that would have SO better served me two years ago. But it's not enough to know it now, because such damage was done in the interim that I need bigger forces than Two-years-ago-Insight. Capice?
Like bringing in FEMA way too late for Katrina; would have been beneficial on the ground before landfall, not playing catch-up in its wake. Bigger forces (military, etc) were needed in the aftermath - and even then, it was impossible to 'fix'. Granted, hindsight and all. Who can know what is needed ahead of time, or how much destruction we'll find ourselves in, etc. But really, ya'll. You know what I'm saying? I am just now getting the FEMA funds in, far too late for where the circumstances are.
There is a deep piece of my heart that swings in a free fall, scared and frightened. It looks for a place to grab onto something safe, but chooses people & circumstances to validate me. Especially my husband: please love me, please like me, please find me to be good, please please please.
Nothing 'sticks' to my heart, it's like Teflon. God sees me as I really am: filthy rags. BUT. He also sees me through the blood as I am in Jesus, worthy of love. Why can't that stick to me?
I wander through life like a Wemmick, letting people put their gold stars or red dots on me as they choose. Even those don't stick: and not for the good reason in the story, but because the ways of other-seeking validation don't work.
I'm no fool. I am actually a smart person, good student, quick study. But not where the rubber meets the road obviously. I'm an asset to most situations - outside of my own home. For the most part, I like who I am with everyone else in my world. I've learned to be a better friend to people, really be interested in them and concerned for their wellbeing, I accept responsibility for dropping the ball - personally with friends, or professionally with coworkers. Quickly. I don't need to be reminded or prompted for that.
At home I do. It has taken the better part of three years for me to to step around the screen of My Defensiveness with my children - my own children, for fcuk's sake - and apologize when necessary. My husband had to call me out, listen to me deflect like a petulant teenager, and finally, I would say I was sorry about something to my own child. I am sick at myself when I think of it all. This was not some isolated incident; it happened often.
On the thank-you-Jesus flipside, I can now spot when it happens without a Proctor/Chaperon/Husband present and apologize immediately to my children, with a non-deflecting explanation. Even more than half the time (praise God), I can see it coming and stop the Bad in a pre-emptive strike, completely foregoing the need for apology and repentance. Am I making any sense? she asks the invisible internet.
But I can do none of these things with my own husband. There have been very itty-bitty-small, too-little-too-late FEMA-type improvements, but again, they are small in proportion to where we are -and where I need to be with this stronghold. I need to be down the road a-piece, people. And I don't move. Much. WTF?
I do not, without great wailing/gnashing of teeth- if ever - say "you're right, i'm wrong" right off the bat. I imagine myself being able to do it, but when we arrive at an opportunity: WALL. Fear. Defense. And it's only with my spouse. I will own up to anything, anywhere. Elsewhere. Here online, at work, with my counselor - about the very thing my husband has told me. I can't think of anywhere else that I do NOT eat my sandwich I made.
But to his face, in the moment? I am mute, with my insides contorting. Dying to connect in a real way, yet placing a firm wedge between us that grows larger with each conversation: But that's not what I meant, I never said that, I didn't do that. Because, as he so aptly puts it, if I am never wrong he is the one who always must be. That's not relational balance, nor is it fair. Dammit, I am NOT this person. I'm not. But here I am, having been her for the better part of my life.
This screams "Trouble with Authority Males over Me", as there is only him really. And God. I fool myself that I'm cool with God, just not my husband. I'm probably not cool with either of them. This is something else my husband has suggested. And, like all his points, I cannot come to grips with in his presence, yet mull it over afterwards. He thinks I don't believe anything he mentions or insights, but that's not it.
I've been on my knees about this problem, and others, and continue to be. And will continue to be, until He changes me or I die. I can't do this alone. I crave relationship, yet am so damaged. The area of Relationship is where my damage was done initially (childhood/innocence/trust betrayed, etc). Why do you think it's hard for me to even trust God, a heavenly Father, when parental relationship was so perverted in my reality.
I have no excuses: yes, my past is why I've made all these fortresses to my heart, but I no longer live in a battlefield. I should not function like I do, to the detriment of everything I ever wanted. And years behind the learning curve.
I see through a lens of competition with my husband. I want to be Good Enough, I think he's a Better Person, I reflexively feel like a Loser and/or Belittle him in some way. Not always directly, just not Building Him Up or Supporting him. I pray for the know-how to Get Over Myself and my implanted fear that if he is a Happy, Successful human being, he'll want nothing from me or not need me. Or find someone Better. This is a whole different topic, but it all ties in to the tangle that is my black, ugly places. Fear is immobilizing
Ironically, or not so much, I do Build Him Up in my conversations about him. Just not to him. Like it's Giving In, or some such bullsh!t. Again, in my rational mind, I see all (well, most) of my wrong behaviors and know I need to change. Every opportunity reveals my failures.
He's really a good man, my husband. And I really want to be a good woman. In general, but especially in my home. I want to be well-matched with him. I want to be vulnerable with him, rest in him. I have likely never done that, at least not since we were very newly in love maybe. The undercurrent of Us is static and tension, as I manipulate all things in order to Keep Me Comfortable. I want victory where I've previously had nothing but defeat. But I want it on my own, not depending on him to validate me. And this is where it's so tricky. Where I fall down.
So easy to see it in your mind, especially after the fact, but impossible to implement. I am NOT the one person too fcuked up for God to fix. I just had to write that 'out loud' because I need the reminder. I'm too big for me to fix, but not for Him.
When "You're right, I'm wrong" about anything (but especially the big things) I pray to step over myself and tell him so. Within minutes, not hours, days or never. With God's help, and only through that, I will change.
From this day forward, I drag my sinful prideful self to a standing position and attempt to move forward. Again. Damn, ya'll.
Take this one when you have a cup of coffee and aren't otherwise in a hurry. Or skim it, whatever. It's long, and there's more but I owed you. Took a while to spit it out and spellcheck, so I'm a day late on the promise. Things in Stepford had been moving along, only in that time passes. I made more stupid mistakes on the road to Real, as I'm going to do, but some of these were thoughtless and hurtful to my husband, again proving to him that I'm no safe place to put any investment of time, heart, affection, etc.
Like what, you ask? A few examples off the top of my head:
Mother's Day. I found a pretty bunch of flowers for me in the kitchen, when really he didn't even have do that. I thanked him initially, but felt shortchanged later that day when we saw friends who had breakfast in bed, yadda yadda. Yeah, I was feeling unloved, that's how it works right now. We were also two-weeks post milestone birthday, which was so bad we will not speak of it. That's nobody else's burden but mine. That's just where we are; it is what it is. But I could've sucked that up. Did I? I didn't. I was quiet and withdrawn, most obviously down deep in the Poor-Me well, when I could have climbed out and shown my husband in a good light by describing being surprised by the pretty flowers I received. The sad-wife-vibe was picked up on by others outside our family. I once again projected my heartbreak all over the landscape, letting my feelings run the fcuking show, instead of seeing where I could step up. I didn't protect the Partnership.
Unauthorized Disclosure I. I mentioned our financial situation to the one couple we still have as friends, who know nothing about our inner workings. Nothing. That is an anomaly in Stepford. Or at least that's how it feels, and perception being reality and all that, there you are. Needless to say, we like them, and I think we like how they see us. How we should/could be, bits of who we used to be long ago. I see some things in them as a couple I would like to shoot for. Anyway, they seem normal to us in a way that we seriously crave Normal. So at some point, I said something to the wife about my inlaws funding some necessities lately, who told her husband, who brought it up to my husband, who felt blindsided, betrayed, and infuriated that I would portray us (read: me) as hurting victims. Had we been hanging this information out for public view, that would be one thing. But finances are sensitive issues here in Stepford, as to any man who has lost his job, and I threw it out there with careless insensitivity, not looking out for him and how he would feel. Only for someone to sympathize, commiserate, get in my boat. I didn't protect the Partnership.
Unauthorized Disclosure II. We have a mutual friend, a former co-worker of my husband's at Work You To Death, Inc. She was a friend of mine, but moreso after the affair, because she is divorced from an adulterous husband. As she loves both The Husband and me, she has tried in her way to be supportive, but for obvious reasons she has her own emotional leanings in this situation. Plus, she has made it clear that The Husband needs a male friend/confidant, as his relationship outside of the marriage began with an opposite-sex friendship that grew into confiding more personal stuff. You can read his own account of that part in the sidebar. ANYWAY. I have a point, hang tight. So Friend and I text messaged a bunch, and again, I probably shared too much Poor-Me crap over time but also shared some things my husband had said to me about his personal feelings in a down time. In my defense (which is slim), I was trying to actually argue a case FOR my husband, but whatever. He found out and was hurt/p*ssed/betrayed by disclosure of his feelings to a 3rd party. I didn't protect the Partnership.
Last example. I decided a few weeks ago that we should touch base with our Pastor. He's been around from the beginning of our marital disaster; we went to him six months before the affair knowing our marriage was crap and looking for help. He did what he could in his limited knowledge; we didn't do all that we could for whatever reasons, and here we all are sadder and wiser. So he's been in our camp for a while, but he's human, the pastor of a too-fast-growing church, with not enough shepherds to help the flock, but that's how it goes and it's not all up to him. We both trust and respect him enormously, and I wanted some answers and a safe place to put my angst. So, before even telling The Husband, I email our pastor and ask if he has time to speak with me or us, and set up a time to meet. Then I ask my husband about going. I inadvertently set him up. If he doesn't go, he'll look bad. I should have spoken with him first. I didn't protect the Partnership.
I am a dumba$$. Absolutely. And that was just May.
Look petty to you? Maybe, in an otherwise normal marriage. But over time, in an already damaged relationship, these occurrences erroded any good will between us. Remember, a marriage should build walls to the outside and windows between us. Pre-affair, we had been building walls between us and windows to the outside. Hence, part of the affair. (yo, my window's open, you know?)Post-bomb, we had started to reverse the trend, and then didn't. That needs to be addressed at some point, but that point doesn't seem to be now.
Wear you out, won't it? And you're not even living it. Go thank God right now for your partner, the person on your team who looks out for you and takes care of you. Who loves you and makes love with you. Go thank God and then go thank them for it.
June is an improvement for sure, at least I think so. I don't have any positive feedback about it, but I'm okay regardless of the feedback. That's a hard place to get to, and I work hourly to keep my foothold in the vacuum.
I have no credits. I am way in the red for Goodwill Toward Me. Actually, his giveash!t-ometer is on zero and it's no secret. Every man for himself right now, mostly. Don't let that be a victim statement. He is still kind and thoughtful on a daily basis, I am just "the last thing" on his mind.
Still God loves me. Still. I cannot rest in that yet. It's the Truth, whether I feel it or not.
God's love is more important than my husband's.
I find that hard to own, but I work on it constantly.
I am self-protective, and want people in my boat with me who will See My Side. We all do. Yeah, my husband has Sh!t He Is Doing Wrong Too, believeyoume, but I am making it no cakewalk to come on over here and take my hand. When it's all I want. I sabotage my deepest longings.
You think it hasn't crossed our minds to cut bait and try again elsewhere? You bet it has.
But my core belief here has never waivered: What I want, I have always wanted with my husband. Always. Even when it makes no damned sense. I would rather work through this stuff with him than with Someone New. Although, sure, it seems like it would be mondo easier to do this with a clean record. No reminders of your failures, trust still intact, emotions not weighed down by past injuries from the other.
Sure the grass looks greener. I still fight fears that he sees greener grass across the miles. Still. But the grass is only greener where you tend it.
My marriage looks dead. :::sniff, sniff::: smells dead. :::checks pulse::: acts dead.
God can raise the dead. God can re-create, reconcile, and resurrect. Make ALL things new. Even me. Even my husband. Even this non-relationship.
He says so. He's the God of the Universe. This is chicken feed to Him.
Where there is no way, he sent The Waymaker. People, say it with me.
Yeah, there's a Hope side to this, but dang, I'll make it a separate post.
What if I were married to a man who -putting it mildly- was not nice to me over the years.
Who had been known to yell Fcuk You! Go To Hell! or call me a B!tch. Who had hit meor pushed me when mad. Who had thrown things across the room in anger.
Who made me feel unimportant, incorrect, disrespected, or stupid on a regular basis. Who, armed with his vast knowledge about me, was able to bury verbal daggers deep in my soul with pinpoint precision. Over. And. Over. And. Over.
Who was able to hurt me deeply with his words. Who attacked me as a person, the core of goodness that I am and can be.
Who scoffed at any effort I made to do something nice for him. Who immediately felt I was not doing enough, in whatever capacity, to make him happy.
Who belittled or ignored what was important to me. Who showed me less respect than a stranger on the street.
Who made me feel unsafe. Who frankly scared me in his volatility and unpredictability. Who would I see at the end of each day? The nice man or the mean man? Who made each entry to my home filled with inner dread. Who denied me a safe harbor from the outside world.
A man I could not trust to look out for my best interest if it conflicted with his. Who always protected himself first, to the detriment of my emotional safety or the marriage itself.
A man who would not guard my heart. Who would not place it on a soft pillow and keep it safe if I handed it to him. Who I could not confide in, for fear he would use the information against me when angered.
Who apologized through the years, but did not change.
Who was no Partner to me. Who did not encourage my Best Self. With whom, I felt more alone than in an empty room.
Wouldn't you tell me to Leave Him? Get The Hell Out? Have Him Arrested?
Now. What if this person is me.
My husband the abused spouse.
Harder to believe, isn't it?
I am ashamed that it is true. Mortified. Crushed. Humiliated.
He's taken much pounding. For years. He can't even pretend to trust me with his heart or his feelings. And he's had good reason to get to this point in the road. I've laid him low.
I could lace my words with excuses and justifications, and all the years I didn't see it.
But even after Seeing It, I have snapped like a rubber band right back to being a selfish, mean person. And who cares why? FcukWhy. Half my blog is an exercise in Justifying The Why.
At the end of the day, I am proven to be irreparable. Because all it boils down to is a good man knocked down long enough and hard enough to have nothing left to trust me with.
Fair enough. I don't blame him. I cannot possibly. I've been here in this house, too.
I am toxic. Me. It's me.
And don't even fcuking comment about how awful his affair was, girlfriend, and you have every reason to be mad, hateful, or ugly.
Just save it. This so pre-dates affair.
My husband stood by me for years while I was flailing about, knocking the wind out of him.
I have focused so long on all that Is Not. Seeing the holes in the colander that drained the water out, instead of the pasta that was held inside.
His affair is the One Big Wrong Thing he did in a Lifetime of Right Things. (there are other Small things but in the interest of the Big Picture, work with me here)
By comparison, I am a Lifetime of Big Wrong Things with Scant Right Things.
Years of counseling, different therapists, journaling, prayer, have all been fruitless in changing this piece of my equation.
After I've done -or said- something mean to him, he has pointed it out to me, I have seen it (especially since December 2005) and apologized. And meant it, I promise you. But the damage was already done by my actions or words, and progress stopped. And then we recycle the pattern in some other fashion. Rinse and repeat.
I need a dog shock collar that zaps me before I'm an as$hole. To stop me from doing years-worth more damage with each incident. But I don't have that. And my Decent Person filter only works about 5-10% of the time.
And now I have a husband who doesn't trust me, won't talk to me about his real feelings for fear I will really screw him with them, and is scared of me, of what I will do to him. Has been at this point, or almost, for so long that he probably cannot separate out when the relationship was actually destroyed.
I thought cutting communication with my family of origin last year was a step in the right direction. I thought being a better, more patient, loving parent was a step. I thought counseling, praying to God, people praying for me, all these things would effect a change in my life.
I thought wrong. And I don't deserve this man to do any more 70-times-7 forgiving or trusting. If he was beating me, should I forgive him each time he hit me and come back for the next blow? No. I don't think so. Nor should he have to.
I had to come to the computer to work this out in words. To see it in black and white. I've had to stop typing several times during this post to just grieve. Hard. I fcuked up. Over. And. Over. And. Over.
I told him I wish there were more words for Sorry, like the eskimos have so many different words for Snow. I am so sorry, in a myriad of ways, but my words don't ring true anymore because my actions haven't followed up. I just want a Reset button on my life. And I don't get one.
I haven't been able to sleep. I lay awake thinking of all God brought me through as a child. He led me out of a horrible life to a road on the way to Happily Ever After. I didn't deserve it. I didn't understand it. I didn't protect it and keep it safe. I went on autopilot and ruined my relationship with the one person who ever believed in me.
[Hey, I appreciate the comments from my slamfest. Very much. But it was helpful to take a look at myself from their point of view. I'm good, thanks. Oh, I am so not the hero, Mr. PhD. Not by a mile. Ask my husband - although thanks for the shoutout.] Insanity has been defined as doing the same old thing over and over and expecting different results. -unknown
Jeez, ya'll. I went back to look at this blog from the beginning, got to about October of last year and hit the brakes, discouraged. I'm sure I'll keep reading later but why the hell are you?
I am a fcuking yoyo if you look at the Big Picture. Self-aware one day, Ignorant the next. Thoughtful one day, Selfish the next. Have a plan one day, Emotionally lose control the next. What a gigantic PITA I see overall.
I'm emotionally unpredictable. So much so that my sweet little family is uncomfortable, and tiptoes around me if I am moody (which has been often). I control the household with fear. Is she in a good mood? Will she be nice to me or not? That makes me sick. Look: I was all excited last September about changing my tone of voice, threw myself a little blog parade about it. There's been no permanent change there: just had an issue with that two days ago with my daughter. Sh!t.
What the hell is all this therapy for, if change is a)slow and yet b) not long-lasting. I'm convinced that all this going-back-in-time-to-relive-past-traumas in therapy is pretty much a load of sh!t for actually moving forward. It firmly plants you in the past. I know all the crap that happened to me in my childhood. I know my issues. I know how I got here. I know why I am wired the way I am. Fcuk that, now let's FIX it. I need solutions, how to change my world NOW.
This belief is backed up by at least one well-known therapist, Michele Weiner-Davis: It's my belief that couples in crisis don't have the luxury to analyze how they were raised in order to find solutions to their marital problems. If your therapist is focusing on the past, suggest a future-orientation.
I agree: I am not on board that all this going back is where it's at. If so, I would have long ago been the Poster Child for a changed life, I've been in counseling of some sort for years on end. I'm just funding their annual vacations.
It's like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. The ship is going down, people. Let's get on a life boat, to safety, and then analyze why the ship sank and go salvage what we can from it.
I can't find the exact quote, but Davis doesn't believe in ignoring the past issues once the marriage is OUT of crisis. Address the crisis first, then go back. Makes sense to me.
She also says: Know that most marital problems are solvable. Don't let your therapist tell you that change is impossible. Human beings are amazing and they are capable to doing great things- especially for people they love.
This is where my rubber hits my road. If I loved my husband (and by extension, kids) enough, I should be doing my "great things" for the "people I love", right? Perhaps the "people I love" most is me. And so I spin my life and actions/inactions thusly. I can't just keep overreacting in the name of What's Not Happening in My Marriage. God, what a mess.
More from Michele: Just keep in mind that forgiveness isn't a feeling. It is a decision. You decide that you are going to start tomorrow with a clean slate. Even if it isn't easy, you make the determination that the alternative is even harder, and that you are going to do what you must to begin creating a more positive future.
I have made that decision, several times in the last year, and then backslide based on emotions and impatience. I have to keep my eyes on the goal instead of the immediate. I am one to extrapolate that What's Happening Now is What Will Always Be Happening. It's inaccurate, and a self-fulfilling prophesy. I think my husband does this too, and we both keep doing the same things, and yet thinking we will change (see above definition of Insanity).
At one point (albeit an all-too-brief one) I really thought we were getting somewhere in this marriage post-explosion. There was a window of connection and positive movement last May (pre-blogging) then it dissipated. When I think of what I want with my husband, I think about last May - not pre-affair. There was an openness, connection, and sweetness that was starting to appear between us. That time is where my lingering Hope For Us springs from, despite all evidence to the contrary.
And then the relationship faltered, stalled, and shifted into Reverse. And ran over tire spikes. Blew every tire on the damned vehicle. We seem to have accepted that our car won't run, since it's been such a long time since it started. Hoping that the tow truck will arrive by telepathy, or some such crap.
[We've talked about it since, and neither one of us is quite sure what factors were in place that made those positive interactions real. Or else we'd be re-creating it.]
We're waiting for the right feelings before we do the right actions. And that's just bullsh!t and backwards. Part of our solution is that we need to ACT as healthy married folk do and trust the feelings to FOLLOW. It's like reading the Bible, to me. I know I should, and I drag my sorry ass over to do it when I'd rather be checking my email or doing something less important. But I MAKE myself do what I ought, and AFTER I've done it I FEEL better. I am not feeling particularly close to God before I do it, but afterwards I DO feel closer. Action first, then feeling. Makes sense, right? So why can't we just GET ON THE TRAIN?
Because: ultimately I'm scared to death to be hurt again, crave reassurance I don't have/doesn't stick, and stay in the state of partial dread that I may hear the words that he wants out anyway.
Because: ultimately he is uncomfortable in my presence, having to police my emotions, never knowing when I might 'blow'. I exhaust him; he's past putting in effort because it's not rewarded. I appreciate it, and ten minutes/two hours/one day later I've forgotten it because it wasn't enough, and I'm disappointed in what we still don't have. All we are not. Terrified it will never Compare To. And therefore, it doesn't. What you focus on expands.
At this point we are lost as to how to hit the "reset" button. If this marriage is supposed to be Over, at least I want to run at it well and hard before I call it a day. To hold hands and just Jump. Both of us. We are so wary to do it now. Because it's been 'bad' for longer than it was 'good' - that if we commit to jump, it still won't work. Or that one of us will pull the ball out from under us, a la Lucy and Charlie Brown.
There are layers upon layers of emotional complication, and I just want to somehow Wipe It Out, and say fcuk it, let's go.
Look at this promising comment after a post from The Husband's Story last year: I agree with all you said. It's so not worth it. I'm so glad I made it. When I went to couseling, they told us, "Write love notes (just little ones) and leave them places for each other, give her flowers even when you don't feel like it, say I love you even if it feels empty. My husband and I did that and we slowly started to fall in love again. The actions came before the feelings. Now we are doing so much better.
Short of a brain/emotional transplant, I am going to have to rely on doing the right thing being its own reward. No unmet expectations derailing me. Just me & God for a while. As it should be. I always start out strong, and then -pfft- poop out from loneliness, exhaustion, or a wayward thought that ambushes me.
So promise yourself, that no matter what the reason, you will not go another day blaming your partner and feeling lonely. Make peace. Make up. Make love. I promise you that the benefits of deciding to forgive go far beyond anything you can picture in your mind's eye at the moment. Your decision to forgive will create a ripple effect of exponential changes in your life. -Michele Weiner-Davis
Do, or Do Not. There is no Try. -Yoda, in "The Empire Strikes Back"
ag.o.ny (ag'uh-nee): extreme and generally prolonged pain; intense physical or mental suffering.
And that's what happens when I take my eyes off the center line. It's like a bunch of mini panic attacks, but they're quiet and deep inside me, not always visible to anyone else.
Except when they leak out through the cracks in my soul. Like the other night, I had to leave work because I could not function. I could not even get it together enough to be embarrassed by it, the onslaught of continual tears. I simply could not stop. The kind people I work with called in a replacement and sent me home with a hug, dumbfounded by their formerly funloving, enthusiastic co-worker coming undone.
Yes, a byproduct of physical exhaustion as well, but truly, I've been slowly coming undone all of my life, really, and I just cannot fake it well any longer. (could there BE any more commas in that sentence?)
The Husband has left it up to me whether to leave. He has given up the fight, no longer caring enough to chase me down, for those of you that remember how I tested old boyfriends.
I won't leave. I love him. Dammit, I don't know how I feel about that. Part of me is proud that I love him, he's my husband and a wonderful kind thoughtful person. The other part feels like a jackass, because he doesn't love me back and has loved another in the interim. He is here because it's the 'right thing to do' and our children are happy, and he's praying that God will change his heart toward me (made ever so difficult by my fcuking insanity -truly- at the end of the suck job that was 2006), and he's been praying to love me again long before the affair happened. Unbeknownst to me until post-affair.
It begs the question: how much more like sh!t can one possibly feel? It makes me nauseated if I dwell upon these things, and the little Cuisinarts take up residence in my chest, set on grind or puree. I start to crack open, and while some of that is good, and needed, it also is frightening. Because I don't have six months to weep in a rubber room, I still have to function in the world, work at a high-stress job, interact with my children in a healthy way, and figure out how to truly communicate with The Husband with limited interaction time.
For the last year, I have been concerned that if I started to open up my soul, that the wounds exposed would take me out. And, after the River of Tears on Thursday night, it's not an unreasonable concern. I am a weary little soldier.
And yet.
There is still hope in this most hopeless situation. I have no freaking idea why, but there is. It bursts over me, like a break in the clouds, way too infrequently, but unmistakable when it happens. I was in a parking lot yesterday walking toward my car, and BAM! There is was. A long-term vision of hope, in a microsecond of the virtual clouds parting. Hard to explain, but I smiled from the inside out for that moment. And it gave me enough to to hold onto through the next few hours. Manna for the day. Not when I look to The Husband, because my heart just disintegrates when I focus on him. But when I keep my hands on the wheel, on God, and his Word, I have so much crazy peace.
Which is why I know it's hard for me to spend time with Him each day, because the enemy has had me for so long. He is putting on a serious fight to not give me up. My family has been in his clutches for generations, and I am like the little bon-bon he's been waiting to pop in his mouth for dessert. So how DARE I go and find God, and then try to break out of destructive habits. Well, fcuk him. And the horse he rode in on. I will NOT live another year of my life this way. Ultimately, this is not about my marriage (although it does feel that way most days). It's about my life and my legacy to my kids.
I know God said there would be suffering, and He doesn't guarantee happiness. The Husband likes to hang his hat on that lately, but I think God wants our marriages to be a testimony to His glory. Not everyone's is, obviously, but I'm willing to let Him rock the happiness factor. I've been a sh!tty wife at times, he's been a sh!tty husband at times. I'm going to throw my hat in the ring, even if The Husband cannot right now. It's yank up the bootstraps time. One of those I believe! Help my unbelief! kind of times.
Sometime last month, I read through a year's worth of late-night emails between The Husband and myself from December 05 to December 06. The following are snippets culled from those emails. There was plenty of difficult stuff, especially in the beginning when the affair was ongoing. BUT I only pulled the positive phrases that passed between us, starting at that very ugly time in our lives until the most recent of difficulties. Reading these emails, I think, who are these people? they seem happy, supportive, and loving to each other even in the most horrible times. It makes me want to cry in retrospect. look at the good words between them. they were so much further along than you gave them credit for. At least via email. Face time was not as successful for some reason.
I don't expect ya'll to understand each reference, but this is posted mainly for my enjoyment.The Husband is in bold and I am in italics.
Thank you very much for this. You have said exactly how I feel. [after an email I sent to someone in defense of him]
I know you are a good man in your deepest places. You don't think I feel that way, and we both are having serious trust issues with each other, which makes us rear up and be ugly.
My heart is still close to yours and you are wonderful, handsome, witty, creative, fun, smart, capable, generous and strong. God has gifted you with all of this to survive and thrive and bring Glory to Him. You are a precious son to him, the apple of His eye. You are a child of the King my sweetie. Don't forget that or let anyone tell you you are not.
I'll try and remember all of that. Very hard these days, you know? Maybe God is giving me more material for my book?
I'm so sorry I've made you feel like this. God can do wondrous things, and as long as He is around there is still hope. Not saying anything here but just take it one day at a time.
Just give everything time. I don't know what is going to happen. Who knows? All I know is that we have two beautiful kids together. And we both love them very much. That's really all I know right now. We are a team here, no matter what is going on between us and no matter what our future holds. We owe it to [the children]
This is a part of being married to you, the frustration you have when a project is not going smoothly and I want (and ask) to help, and you block the play. would you have me do anything differently when this happens? i'd like to know. every time i leave you alone in these situations, it feels like a cop-out
Thanks for wanting to help tonight. Hard to believe someone thinks I am right about something.
Thanks for all you do for us
I am where I need to be. I don't want to be where I don't need to be. [after she-who-shall-not-be-named-nor-capitalized tried to re-establish contact with him]
You are in the palm of God's hand.I truly am glad for your company, whether it's across the room, entirely in another floor of the house, at least in the same city, or wherever. And I truly appreciate your nice words tonight and the effort it took to reach out with them. Thank you
I am here standing beside of you.
Jeremiah 29:11-12For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."I found this encouraging tonight.
You did your best. That's all you can do. No worries. God knows what we need Thanks for being my support. I remain, Proud of you
And thanks for your encouragement. It means more than you know :) You know, without your encouragement, despite the huge blow I inflicted on you, I don't know how I could be able to piece all of this together and stay sane.
You are very sweet to say this to me, I appreciate it. I have always been your biggest fan, just never let you in on it before I guess. I apologize for that.
We are moving forward in a good direction, I think. This is fixable. The whole thing.
I listened to this song frequently during most of January, praying that you would want to re-build. Just listened to it again, and was reminded that I am so thankful for your heart for our marriage. I never thought two of us would want it, but two of us do, and that's an answered prayer. Even when it's crazy-hard and 'bigger than we thought' Great lyrics. Exactly how I feel and how it is. We can do this.
Know you're busy, just like sending emails to you to encourage you: I am really proud of you (have I said that enough?)oh, it's fun to see your name in my Inbox :) Goodnight and sweet dreams!
That's the goal. To hold your hand and finish the race with you, laughing. I am all for that. Celebrating you, me
I appreciate your efforts to be a great Mom. I know they do too.
Today's bible verse, BTW: Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9
You're right, this is my theme song for the first couple of months of this year. I have come a long way since then. We have come a long way since then.
i am always amazed at how you tend do the right thing even when it's hard and you don't want to. thanks for sharing parts of your day and parts of your thoughts with me
Want to be a godly man. I do so many things wrong, but the hard thing is always the right thing and ends up being the best thing in the long run.
Thinking of - and thankful for - you.
It was a good night. Maybe we'll do it again sometime. Just trying to show you I do think you're pretty, and worth the effort.
I think you're really great. Have I said that before? Well I'll say it again. I'm humbled by your effort I hope you know I am proud of you.
Have you noticed that I am not emailing you at night telling you to go to bed? I know that irks you, so I stopped. Thank you, that's very sweet.look forward to feeling you behind me.I like you That's a good thing. Lucky for you :D And you too, since you're stuck with me.
It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop -Confucius Move like a turtle--[The Husband]
BTW, yesterday was 6 months for you. Thanks. it has been better lately.
She's so pretty. She looks like her Mommy.
you are a kick-a$$ businessman and i am your groupie. God is good. I am here for you.
Thank you for spending time with me tonight; I needed some of that. Do you want get a babysitter for Sat. night? Maybe [restaurant] and then a walk downtown?
I always like to hear about your day and what's going on, I'm grateful when you share. I appreciate you. When you come to bed tonight will you hold me for a few minutes and let me feel safe against your chest and protected in your arms just for a time? I'd like that. I will definitely hold you tonight.
Everyone wishes they could go back and undo the things they have done wrong, but part of the healing is moving forward and enjoying the progress and seeing how far along on the map one has come.
1 Peter 5:10 NIV: 10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. Message:So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good.
Name one thing that I could do on a regular basis to make your life easier and happier. i may be covered in red powder, but i'm the wife who loves you, who wants to be in a solid, laughing marriage with you. maybe you'll never see me w/out seeing your own hurt, but for now i choose to believe you will. and that i will too.
Good Morning! I wanted to tell you that I think you are a really good [profession], and I know you are making a difference at your work. You should be proud of what you are doing. I am proud of you : )
Discussing our relationship is extremely important to me. I hope you know that. Trust God I do. I will.
I am encouraged very much by their movement, via intimacy, towards a relationship that has been wrong for a long time. Thanks for sending this to me. : )
2 Corinthians 8:12 "For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have."Thank your for what you are willing to give to us/me. The gift of you is ACCEPTABLE and I am grateful for you. I hope you'll feel safe enough one day to know that. Thanks for this. I do feel appreciated by you, but it will take some time to feel accepted by anyone
I care about you so much. I believe I am much further along towards moving to you the part about standing for myself under the guise of standing for the marriage, when you were the one who wouldn't stand for anything less than the real thing.
I really hope we can work through this. I still have a lot of hope and care about you a great deal.
It's the End of the World as We Know It, and I Feel -
- well, contrary to what Michael Stipe would have me sing, I do not feel "fine" about the end of the world as we know it.
The Husband mentioned something the other day that kept prodding me into thought. Why, he asked, does it always take the End of the World for you to realize you need to change? Good question. Just one year ago this week he said in a long distance phone call, "I think we need to separate" and completely rocked my world and all I that knew to be solid. I realized then, at the End of the World, many of my faults in this marriage and my focus narrowed to my family; every other peripheral thing fell away. I flew across the country to fight for my husband, but I lost that battle.
Partly because I wasn't entirely forthcoming, and neither was The Husband. He was physically unfaithful two days after I left, but had been emotionally unfaithful long enough. I discovered this relationship pre-sex but didn't tell him, just tried to get him to fess up on his own. He denied anything else influencing his decision to end the marriage. We both lied. We both lost. Long story, that I still hope The Husband will tell you himself. But if not, we'll go there eventually. Yet. I still handled things poorly in many areas. Blah, blah. You've heard it all before from me, I know.
My world fell to bits. Then my husband decided suddenly to stay in the marriage and broke off the affair after being knee-deep for over a month while back at home. It happened so quickly I was astounded, and sadly, unconvinced that he was truly choosing me. I wondered, is he staying because I am the one with the income now? Is he here just for the children? I could not simply rest in the fact that, number one: he made a godly decision, and number 2: I was worthy of choosing.
The comparison/contrast to an invisible-to-me "perfect" woman, coupled with the all-too-many emails I had read between them (fcuking torture), on top of my basic "protect thyself" default mode from childhood...recipe for disaster. Could not see the Big Picture because I was so freaked out over the whole situation. So, I go behind my Protect Thyself wall, and lob grenades at The Husband. For, oh, about a year. Every argument, disagreement, tough discussion, I throw something mean at him and likely bring up the affair, or something he said to her, or something he said about me to her, or - you get the idea. Never letting him crawl out of his hole, and be safe with me, because I was always verbally kicking his a$$. A walk-by knifing, he once described these verbal daggers. I completely lost perspective on how to work through this together. I kept my lifelong position of me-versus-you, rather than being a partner to him. I wonder now if I was ever one. Grenade lobbing continues, and then, oh, hello - it's the End of the World again.
The Husband is physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted, and pretty much sick of being married to me. Again. And - again - I have a big fat revelation of my wrong-doing and want to change. See the pattern? We do, too. We're sick of it, too. I have no good end to this post, I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head and :::splat::: them out here so they'll quit haunting me. Consider yourselves my receptacle today.
Our holiday was quite bad, and once again I slipped and fell (hard, and in front of his family) in my efforts to not be a complete a$$. A little back info: two Saturdays ago, my MIL confronted me at the end of a daylong visit re: my wanting to leave the marriage. She hit a few hot buttons, for example: that what I thinking of doing was as bad, if not worse, than what The Husband had done. I was so shocked by this one statement that I was agog for the rest of the time she spoke. And of course she touched on what a divorce would do to the children (the whole argument we all gave The Husband when it was his turn to want out last year). Anyway, the inlaws left shortly thereafter and went home, and this no doubt contributed to triggering my inner Butthead for the next two days, although it is ultimately my responsibility for how I act. I spewed forth upon my spouse, myself, and my God, culminating in the horror show that was the i-can-see-the-end of the marriage last week, when I posted for prayer and ya'll were so gracious to offer it.
So. Forward to Thanksgiving. I had previously said I would not be coming to the inlaws, but acquiesced to The Husband's gracious request for me to join he and the children there. He also requested that I speak to his mother about what she'd said to me. I agreed, and thought it all completely reasonable.
Then we arrived ... I had been irritable on the drive down (and earlier that a.m.) getting more uncomfortable at the whole thought of whatthehellamigoingtodo, howcanihandlethis...So we arrive and I go into 'hide' mode, and basically don't speak to his parents for about oh, hours. Just avoid them, read a magazine, worry with the children's whereabouts, etc. My invisible force field of "Protect Thyself" went up (insert sci-fi sound effect here), and basically I looked like a complete b!tch, even though it was discomfort that motivated me (or should I say un-motivated me to act correctly). The Husband told me later that my behavior completely embarrassed him. To add insult to injury, we forgot my nice holiday clothes so I am in my travel wear for dinner, and feel like a complete and total Loser. And The Husband has to persuade me to go to dinner, as I am all to pieces about the no-decent-clothes incident, on top of the whole day. The Lord continues to strip away any residual layers of pride.
I did go to my MIL before dinner (way too late for decency, timeframe-wise) and tell her that I was sorry but what she had said hurt my feelings, and she had no idea what this year had been like, or what we were going through, to pass judgment, that there is a reason the Bible allows for divorce in the case of adultery, and she was speaking from a place of ignorance. She did say that she had not meant to imply anything about my character, but then went on to basically repeat most of what she'd said the week prior, and I just nodded my head, because whatthehell, I'd already been an a$$ all day.
So the entire 24 hours there were a nightmare as far as my behavior and basic irritability. Then we come home and the previously quiet-at-the-time Husband rips into me (rightfully so) about my behavior, I get defensive, and we are once again at Square Zero because he sees no change in my heart about being an irritable, blame-deflecting-at-all-costs b!tch. So. We are now, once again, to re-evaluate this marriage, and my emotional attitude in it, after the holidays (which, incidentally, is one year since this whole affair exploded into our lives). And OMGosh, suddenly the holidays are actually upon us, and I feel numb (Christmas is in four weeks? really?) and it's moving so fast. In my very deepest heart I don't want this marriage to end, even though I rolled the words around on my tongue and put it out there. Only God can change our hearts now, as well as our behavior. The Husband is thoughtful, civil, pleasant, and polite, and I appreciate him for that. I have finally come to see piecing-the-marriage-together-after-a-crisis for the Marathon that it truly is (ironically, perhaps too late). I no longer feel the compunction to be jumping up and down like a petulant toddler demanding my needs be met. I don't expect anything for quite some time, as I've pushed this man to his limits and I honestly wonder if he has any warm feelings left for me deep down. Let me just reiterate that I DO NOT blame him for that. Ya'll haven't been here to see the ugliness I can throw. It's been going on for years. It came from my FOO (family of origin) and I brought it with me here. Again, we both have baggage. Mine was downright mean, and tenacious in its hold over me.
I'm just hanging on to God's promises right now, because my own efforts have proved extremely hazardous to my world. Making decisions and acting based solely on my FEELINGS has been my downfall. Please learn from my mistakes; it's impulsive and exhausting, and one of the main reasons I am staring the end of my marriage full in the face. If I could turn back time to mid-May (or hell, years earlier, since we're wishing), and stop the slippery slope of demands, expectations, entitlements, and beating-the-emotional-sh!t-out-of-my-husband that I have done, we might be in a much better place right now. I can't believe it's been a year. The adultery ripped The Husband's world apart too, and he needed a Team Member after the initial damage was done and the affair ended. I was never consistent in being that partner for him. Yes, I was hurt beyond description but he was, too, in his way. We needed each other, and I dropped the ball.
But here's the weird blessing in it all: I have been (tentatively) released from a real emotional prison I've carried with me for years. It's very difficult to explain but since, oh, forever, I've been a dance-fast-enough-so-they-won't-see-the-real-me kind of gal. Worked well for the outside world but not at all with my husband. Because meanwhile, I'm pushing down some big ball of tension/pain/ick in the background. The big ball was the size of a classroom globe that I was holding down with both hands, while trying to simultaneously ignore it. May not make sense to you, but that's my most accurate way to describe it. That definition came from a therapist we had about 6+ years ago. true, that. So we pointed a spotlight at the big Ball O' Crap I was pushing down, and yet I had no idea what it WAS, had denied its existence - but it was exposed. Sometimes it shrunk, sometimes not, but everpresent. And here I was, pushing it out of the way, staying busy, and not looking at it.
Then my life comes apart, a lot of it my fault on the way there, but The Husband is unfaithful and turns his back on the marriage for a time. For whatever reason, this brutally exposes my insides. I am ripped inside out in a way that is completely un-knowable to those who have not been there. But that first explosion rips the globe from my hands because there is finally something else critical enough for me to drop it and run toward. I actually didn't even notice it was gone for a few months, I was so caught up in the pressing issues, my self-exposure, OMG what have I done to this man, looking at my faults in the marriage and owning many of them for the first time.
But then forward movement (no matter how snail-paced) grinds to a halt, most of it due to my impatience and myopic point of view. And I stop 'evolving' - I get back on the Blame and Avoidance wagon. Yeah, I might have done that, BUT LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME. By constantly pointing away from my oh-so-real faults and at the high-profile affair, I could be the martyr in this marriage and not have to change. Oh, pity me, do what I want. Anyway, months later I sort of notice that I'm not holding this globe/pit of tension down with all my strength BUT that there is a fist-sized ball of tension settled in my chest. One I work to ignore, as per usual, but is very much there all the time. And I make my merry efforts to dance around it, resume my selfish demands of The Husband, and be quick to point out all that he is NOT doing, all the ways I am NOT happy, and generally being my own speedbump (again) on the road to a real relationship.
Then two more explosions rock my world. One that I alluded to when I asked for your prayers last weekend, and this stupid Thanksgiving holiday where I am a jacka$$ with almost complete disregard for anyone else's feelings. And somewhere in the middle of all of that, my fist-sized knot has disappeared. I can't even conjure it up (and yes, I am just that stupid to have tried to give myself the anxious thoughts that produce it, just to see where it is, if it's going to return).
So my first-draft Theory of WhatTheHellWasIt will no doubt sound dumb. And I really don't care because people, this sh!t has been plaguing me since I was a teenager. I'm trying to work it all out 20+ years later, so cut me some slack: I think that ball was fear. Useless, not-really-substantiated, more-powerful-than-it-sounds fear. I expect to refine this conclusion as I mull it over, but it was the fear that Who I Really Am is NOT Worth Knowing, Loving, or Exploring Deeply. So I think I danced around that fear, acted like I didn't have it, and presented something only Partly Me to the world. And also to my husband. But the Lord gifted him with SUCH discernment about me, that my sh!t didn't fly with The Husband for long. Fortunately, thankfully, he still loved me while interacting with the dancing, deflecting, defensive weirdness that was my former self. Until he didn't. And finally, finally, I appreciate all he has tolerated and had hoped to pierce through -even if it is too late for him to ever feel love for me again. I appreciate his prior feelings and his prior efforts, even if he cannot muster another go at it now. I will 21-gun salute him always for how he tried when I didn't try, and how he saw truth when I didn't see it.
There is a girl inside me that is real, a girl I really like, who -when I daydream about my life-I see as myself. I haven't been able to get her from the inside of me to the outside world. Part of what hurt me so much about the infidelity, is that I know in my heart that the good things he saw in she-who-shall-not-be-named that appealed to him, and what he felt for her, I HAD IT IN ME TO BE -had I been able to jump the emotional hurdle and get the Best Me out of my head and into my marriage. But the fear had been in the way. Or something. It may still be, I don't pretend to know all that yet.
I am just having some real conversations with myself, and trying to find Truth -not just my fcuked up interpretation of Truth as I've tried to mold it. To quit trying to squeeze The Husband like a roll of Charmin to get what I want from him, while I stubbornly held out and wouldn't give him what he wanted. I'm just (somehow, bizarrely) content to rest in the promises of God, since I am crap on my own strength. The fact that I turned my back on Him in anger, frustration, and selfishness, and yet He still scooped me up when I called to Him in desperation is very humbling. He comforts me. He calms me. He is right beside me. No matter what happens. Regardless of what I've done, what I may still do, or how I seem to try to, I cannot turn Him away from me. He still reaches for me, even when I've pushed all mortals away.
The thought continues to bring me to tears, because it astounds me. It is so NOT what I've known. Because, by gum, when I get it in my sick mind to push you away, trust me, you will eventually go. Ask The Husband. But not The Lord. I cannot verbalize how I want to curl up in a ball and thank Him for that.
The one thing I AM trying to do is exactly the OPPOSITE of my immediate reaction to things. If I feel compelled to say something, I shut up. If I don't want to do or say something, I do or say it. And oddly enough, there's a real peace in that because I'm not relying on my motivations about it. But unlike before, I am NOT doing anything with a Look-At-Me-And-Give-Me-Brownie-Points kind of expectation. I am waaaaay in the red on brownie points, and I have no false illusions that any efforts would even REGISTER on The Husband's radar for some time. And rightfully so.
I just want to be consistent, and not crazy-making. And that's going to take MUCH TIME to erase my actions of the last year(s). Yes, we both have blame in how we've been married to each other. This is mine.I am praying for these feelings to stick, this self-awareness to be real, for the ability to be consistent, accept responsibility for my wrongs, to be capable of stepping on my inner Drama Queen should she raise her head. And to find that great person I know is inside and bring her out here. I know The Husband would enjoy her, and he deserves that chance to. I pray it's God's will for us to walk boldly toward each other across our Ground Zero rubble and make a new foundation to build upon. But, again, it doesn't look good for our team.
The Lord doesn't fiddle around when he moves in a heart; He was quick and decisive each time He changed something within me. I am broken, but oddly steadfast. I know actions have consequences and, should this marriage be over, at least half of that is my fault by my actions. I thank God He forgives me and knows the end of the story. I hope it is the outcome that gives Him the most glory and is a testimony to the miracles He can do when we let Him. Let us pray.
I am finally, utterly, and totally lost without divine intervention. LOST.I have been stupid and reckless with my words and pushed it over the edge. In fact, it may be too late for my marriage, but I am in need of prayer if it is to be saved (like Superman flying around the world backwards to turn back time, to stop Lois Lane from dying, in the first Superman movie).
I have been reckless and mean and unforgiving, and I am SO WRONG. Please pray that it's not too late and God will do something amazing from my stupidity and hurtfulness. I am ashamed at the person I have been for the last two weeks especially, full of pride and 'entitlement' to the expense and detriment of a person who should never need to suffer by my hands.
I have been a stubborn jackass. I have been ashamed and embarrassed at my behavior, even as I've watched it. I am horrified. I got so mad at God last night, I sat in my car and told Him so. Told him to please strip me of my ego and pride and to MOVE in this marriage because I was losing faith in Him wanting this marriage saved, or Him loving me enough to take this pain away. SO. Here we are with my nasty underbelly exposed and raw; completely removed of ego, stripped of pride, and too ashamed at my behavior to do much besides cry all day. Be careful what you ask for. I am so horrified at how I have behaved. I'd have left months ago if The Husband had treated me so badly, and thrown it all in my face daily. He has been the better person all year, since he ended the affair. He has been more consistent, focused, honest, and allaround good than I have been -by a mile.
Oh, I am so heavy with my private burdens tonight. Thank you for your prayers.
In every heart there is a room A sanctuary safe and strong, To heal the wounds from lovers past Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones You answered me with no pretense, And still I feel I said too much. My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose It seems I only felt the thorns. And so it goes, and so it goes, And so will you soon, I suppose
But if my silence made you leave Then that would be my worst mistake, So I will share this room with you, And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed It's just as well for all I've seen. And so it goes, and so it goes, And you're the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you That's if the choice were mine to make, But you can make decisions, too. And you can have this heart to break.
And so it goes, and so it goes And you're the only one who knows.
I don't even know what to tell you; I am on a roller coaster of hope and despair - much of my own making. The Husband is just empty and has nothing to give me, his whole life imploded for God's sake, and I run around like a little yippy dog wanting more more more. I'm so tired mentally and physically that I just want some comfort here at home, and that's not working for me. I know The Husband cannot fill me up, that only God can, but I still wish for a fix.
It's just been the most exhausting year of my adult life on every level. I turned full-on to the Lord early in this thing, and was comforted by Him, held up in the middle of the ongoing Hell of the affair by Him directly and indirectly (through amazing friends). Since then, it's been a world of busy-ness and emotional torture for me with returning to work fulltime, the kids going to school, and The Husbands's individual destruction/upheaval of his life, and by extension, mine.
I am (overly) concerned about a return to the status quo of Life Pre-Affair, which was nothing worth writing home about, as I've mentioned here before. The Husband's late night habits of staying awake without me, and not being intimate were bad habits for years, which is the most obvious road sign on the way to Things Staying The Same And Not Changing, and therefore how I gauge progress in the marriage. Every day/week/month that goes by with that 'one thing' still the same in our lives, the more panicked I become that we are on the same road to StagnantMarriageton, Unfulfillment, or Adulteryville, and won't be able to find the off-ramp. It's a multi-layered fear, really. Feeds right into my insecurity of being rejected, etc. So I panic, and think The Husband hasn't noticed this non-change and gee, I guess I'd better say something about it, because maybe if I KEEP SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT IT, IT WILL EFFECT A CHANGE. Well, duh. Not. That's nagging, ya'll.
But in my panic to find the off-ramp, I nag him about this ONE thing that scares me to death, that I consider to be the road sign into Hell's cul-de-sac. Who wants to move toward THAT? Hey, I'm bitching at you constantly, come over here and love me. Um, no thanks. Who can blame him? Yes, yes, he's wrong about the bed thing longterm, but so too am I - in my way.
So I ride this rodeo bull of my emotions/feelings, which just digs up any good that's been planted and leaves another gaping hole in the ground where something should have been planted, left alone, and allowed to grow roots. Each time I ride these large emotions, our progress is impeded and slowed considerably. But at the same time, I wonder: Will this EVER change? Is he just plodding along with me out of no other choice? He tells me repeatedly that's not true, and I long to believe him. I can't just dismiss this stuff out of my head, although sometimes actually I can. I admit wanting to leave and be done with it, and in the very next minute thinking that I would not want to live a life without him in it. And the Lord sits on His throne and just shakes His head at me, I'm sure. I feel so lost about the Lord, more far away from Him than I want to be emotionally, because my soul feels a jumbled mess anymore. I have a purpose at work, people value me and need me. I don't feel valued and needed at home.
Perhaps The Husband felt much the same way about things when he was working and coming home to the old yucky me. I'm not the same person that I was this time last year, and for that I cannot be anything but grateful, no matter how horribly it came to pass. I don't think I hold the actual affair over The Husband's head, but I know I do hold what he's not doing since the affair over him. I'm sure it's no way to live, I just had such hope that our relationship would be much further down the road by now than it is. That's my shortcoming in expecting more than I have.
I have also been reading about couples who are further along in intimacy, etc. after adultery and it makes me ache. Not that I should be comparing my individual situation to others', but it's hard not to when I'm searching for answers and other stories about successful marriages after infidelity. Sex/intimacy/time would not be the sticking point for me that it is, if we were having it. But perhaps even then I'd find another sticking point. The Husband certainly seems to think so, and he may be right (although I'd like to think he wouldn't be), it's just that this particular problem plagued us pre-affair, and is much more painful to be STILL dealing with post-affair.
Plus, the negative stuff has so much more 'sticking' power than the positive. It seems bigger and stronger and in more abundance than anything good that's happened. (more on that in a future post, since this one is rivaling War and Peace in length already) My fault there for chewing on that bone as well. Grabbing the classifieds to look for an apartment every time I want to run is not good for trust and rebuilding, I realize that. I reach for him and then run away from him -like a yoyo- depending on whether I'm upset or happy, and I've worn him out with it. I do not blame him for being over me and my fat dramas.
I took off my wedding ring, not in any grand gesture actually. I haven't been wearing my diamond for a while now (long story because the stone came from my mother, and I'll perhaps elaborate on those feelings another time), and I take my band off when I go to the gym (NO, get your heads out of the gutter, it's because it's in the way when I lift weights. Not because I'm trolling for gym rats). The last time I took it off, I just forgot to put it back on for several days. Frankly it just didn't seem to be a big deal but The Husband saw the rings in my drawer one day during my recent Dealbreaker mindset and asked if I was going to keep them off. I didn't answer him directly, and I could've just apologized and explained that it wasn't intentional etc. But no. I didn't. Which made it seem - by omission of explanation - that it was part of some Master Plan. That was wrong of me. I implied more sinister motives than I ever intended by my lack of information, than I would have if I had tried outright.
Sometimes I cannot process things fast enough to see the end result, and when I hold honest information close to my vest, screw up even more. Hence, the whole wedding band scenario. And did I come right home, put it back on and explain it to The Husband? No. I just left it off for a few more days because I figured I wasn't in a marriage anyway, blah blah. The bull-riding emotional rodeo rides on.
Did The Husband remove his wedding ring? No. Not even during the affair, actually, which falls on both sides of the fence for me (i.e. aw, he never took it off VS. the bastard didn't even take off his ring to screw her. You understand). Way back when, he voiced many times that he would never love me again, wouldn't live in a loveless marriage, wanted to leave me and this trainwreck of a marriage, etc. But. In his defense, since he ended his relationship with her, he still has never removed his ring. Has never voiced anything but his desire to make this marriage work. Even when I've been out the door a handful of times since. Even when I am the first to bring up separation. Even when I say I will not live in a loveless marriage, and many of the same phrases he uttered during that awful time. Even then. He is battered but still standing.
This blog is biased toward my wayward and wind-swept emotions. Hell, my life is biased toward my wayward and wind-swept emotions. It is not objective, nor does it take in The Husband's side of things. Although, good grief, people. How many men would blog about their affair and how it ruined their life because their spouse asked them to? Not many, I'd venture to say. The Husband is a good man. He has grown from this as well. Just because he's not meeting every need I have for a marriage is no reason to beat him when he's down. I say that to myself as well as to you. As has been revealed to me by a wise man, we both broke our vows, The Husband's lapse was just more public and got all the visible PR. I did not love, honor, or cherish either.
My sins were more subtle and less visible to the outside world. Good heavens, how many of us bitch and complain about our spouses? That's so wrong. And you know it. Even if s/he never knows about it, it infects your relationship. It's what happened with The Husband and his friend-turned-lover. And it's what happened to infect my respect for my man before he even turned away. Quitcher bitchin'. Fix your problems before they spin out of control. Even if you're bad-mouthing a little teensy thing, it looks poor.
Here's a recent example. I saw a friend in church a few months ago, and her daughters were wearing little matching dresses. I commented how pretty they looked, and she said, "I never should have let their daddy put them in their car seats. He didn't do it right and they are so wrinkled." Damn, woman. Be glad he's helping you by buckling the kids in their seats, you know? But she saw the negative in her man, not the positive. But we've ALL done that. We've ALL disrespected the person closest to us when that is the LAST thing we should be doing.
And for GOD'S SAKE, don't bemoan your marriage to a 'friend' of the opposite sex. Just don't. If you can't share the conversation with your spouse and have to hide it, you know it's wrong. Don't even give me your story or justification for doing so. Talk to the hand.
All of this to say, in my roundabout way, there are two sides to every story, marriage, failure. This blog is mostly my side, and biased toward my point of view. It's not an accurate accounting of the things The Husband has done to secure my trust, and move toward me in other ways since the adultery. He takes itty-bitty-bound-up-geisha-steps toward me, due to his own baggage clashing with my own, but he is taking them. He, too, is a different person than you would have met one year ago. He includes me in his life, makes time to talk to me for hours if needed, and makes plans for us to do things together occasionally, as a family and as a couple. I put my caveat on all of his efforts by telling him it's not very often, or you didn't hold my hand, or you only did it because you had to, or you're only here for the children, you see the pattern.
My rampant insecurities jump right out of my mouth and splat onto the brand new sprout of a relationship trying to come out of a frozen ground in some fierce wind. If you were that little sprout, would you keep trying so hard? I see my side, yes, because - well, I'm ME. But I do also see his, as much as I can from my selfish cranium-in-rectum position most days.
New York, London, Paris, Munich: Everybody Talk About, mmm, Pop Music
[2011 Summer of deletion/reposting note: Y'all who have been hanging out on my street corner here in Stepford from 2006-2011 know that I cringe reposting this entry, and why. Ah, the righteously indignant. The few, the proud, the future hyprocrites]
Okay, I'm p*ssed. Consider yourself warned. Ya'll know, in light of the last year of my life, I HATE/LOATHE/DETEST [insert synonyms here] how glamorous the media portrays infidelity. I've mentioned it several times. Oh, the excitement and titilation of secret love with your newest 'soulmate'. Puh-leez. Absolutely, without question, a complete load of sh!t.
Here's the newest slice of hell brought to you from the Adultery-as-Magic culture we live in: I am riding along in my automobile. Listening to the radio, lalala. Song comes on. Sounds good. Like the tune. Words seem good...Then - BAM! - what the fcuk am I listening to? I almost ran into a ditch in my white-hot rage. Let me present to you the P.O.S. song I'm speaking of. You know it. It's #4 in the iTunes most downloaded tracks for this week, for the love of God. I am furious at this song, yes, we all know why. It's way too close to home. But dammit, people, does it have to be so COOL to cheat? So casual to talk about, sing about, watch on the screen? Make it number-fcuking-four on iTunes?
Honey, why are you calling me so late? It's kinda hard to talk right now. Honey, why are you crying - is everything okay? I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud.
Well, my girl's in the next room, Sometimes I wish she was you. I guess we never really moved on It's really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel.
Hearing those words it makes me weak, And I never wanna say goodbye. But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful...With the lips of an angel.
It's funny that you're calling me tonight. And, yes, I've dreamt of you too. And does he know you're talking to me? Will it start a fight? No, I don't think she has a clue.
Well my girl's in the next room, Sometimes I wish she was you. I guess we never really moved on It's really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet, Coming from the lips of an angel.
Hearing those wordsa it makes me weak, And I never wanna say goodbye. But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful...With the lips of an angel. -Lips of an Angel, Hinder
Hinder. Yeah, they're hindering something all right. The TRUTH. This sh!t hurts, it's not magical. It RUINS lives. The Husband would tell you the same, I'd venture to guess. Man, this song has got me LIVID. Way way way way too close to home, these lyrics. oh, and mr. songwriter? she has a fcuking clue, I promise you. I want to run around in cyberspace screaming and stomping my feet about it. Oh, guess I am, that.
This is a personal journal entry from almost two months ago. It halfway sucks to become self-aware and yet still realize how far I have to travel to change my landscape. My perspective has shifted, yet my ability to step on this stuff outwardly has not so much. The track that my behavior follows in my brain is a well-worn trail. I am mentally & physically exhausted attempting to change all my deep-rooted behavioral flaws simultaneously. (Good Lord, there are so many it seems some days)
Here's one of them:
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
My view is till distorted. I come into a room hoping he'll see me (react positively to me) and I'm so focused on me, how he sees me that I don't turn focus on him outside of what he's thinking about me - screwed up. It is still selfish and self-centered to try to force [The Husband] to SEE ME and yet I don't focus on SEEING HIM - I am not [The Husband]-focused and outward in my concerns or conversations with him to validate him or be there for him. I am trying to "be there" so he sees me. How does what he's talking about affect me? How does he feel (about anything) affect me?How does it affect me? me, me, me. If I look just right, will he like me? Will he think I'm pretty? Will he want to talk to me more if I say just the right thing? Act the right way?
What about [The Husband]? How can I turn my focus outward in a NON-selfish and sincere way? At least I can see it now. It's a start.Therefore, it will come as no great surprise to you how often I fail to change my outward behavior while my inner self is screaming to do so. Or (perhaps worse) a constructive change doesn't stick, and my behavior seems inconsistent. Arguments and tears (mine) Friday night, as well as one this morning, come immediately to mind. (heavy sigh)
Go easy on me, peeps. Posting this entry is for some reason, really uncomfortable. No cakewalk today sharing my rotten parts with the masses.
