I am finally, utterly, and totally lost without divine intervention. LOST.I have been stupid and reckless with my words and pushed it over the edge. In fact, it may be too late for my marriage, but I am in need of prayer if it is to be saved (like Superman flying around the world backwards to turn back time, to stop Lois Lane from dying, in the first Superman movie).
I have been reckless and mean and unforgiving, and I am SO WRONG. Please pray that it's not too late and God will do something amazing from my stupidity and hurtfulness. I am ashamed at the person I have been for the last two weeks especially, full of pride and 'entitlement' to the expense and detriment of a person who should never need to suffer by my hands.
I have been a stubborn jackass. I have been ashamed and embarrassed at my behavior, even as I've watched it. I am horrified. I got so mad at God last night, I sat in my car and told Him so. Told him to please strip me of my ego and pride and to MOVE in this marriage because I was losing faith in Him wanting this marriage saved, or Him loving me enough to take this pain away. SO. Here we are with my nasty underbelly exposed and raw; completely removed of ego, stripped of pride, and too ashamed at my behavior to do much besides cry all day. Be careful what you ask for. I am so horrified at how I have behaved. I'd have left months ago if The Husband had treated me so badly, and thrown it all in my face daily. He has been the better person all year, since he ended the affair. He has been more consistent, focused, honest, and allaround good than I have been -by a mile.
Oh, I am so heavy with my private burdens tonight. Thank you for your prayers.
In every heart there is a room A sanctuary safe and strong, To heal the wounds from lovers past Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones You answered me with no pretense, And still I feel I said too much. My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose It seems I only felt the thorns. And so it goes, and so it goes, And so will you soon, I suppose
But if my silence made you leave Then that would be my worst mistake, So I will share this room with you, And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed It's just as well for all I've seen. And so it goes, and so it goes, And you're the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you That's if the choice were mine to make, But you can make decisions, too. And you can have this heart to break.
And so it goes, and so it goes And you're the only one who knows.
