Well, hell: I'm on the Personal World Tour of Disgrace and Shame, might as well continue the quest to show you more completely unappealing sides to myself. (I'm your if I can't be a good example, let me be a horrible warning gal right here. One stop shopping.)
Where were we?
Oh, yes: the 'excuse' we used to get to Glenn's house alone (fight with my boyfriend, his wife out of state for the week). Yes, he kissed me to distraction once we were there, and I kept thinking I would draw the line at intercourse. That personal dialogue never wins out though.
I can think of several times in my Lost Summer(s) of my 20's where I sternly told myself "no sex" -then completely caved in by the end of the evening. And this night was no exception. I am no one's shining example of willpower, let me assure you.
We spent several hours at his house, and then he brought me back to my house where I quietly slipped into bed next to The (sleeping) Boyfriend, hoping I didn't give myself away. A little bit of Guilt, but more a Hoping Not To Be Caught.
And thus started an adventure of escapades. Lots of sneaking around, white lies, etc. Leaving my car somewhere and riding with him, so my car wouldn't be at his house during the day. I was in school, he was in a sales job - we were more flexible in our stealth-ability. He came home from a business trip a day early, I met him at a local hotel. I would page him "6969" when I was free, and we would meet in all kinds of crazy places.
OMGosh, I cannot even begin to tell you all of them without sounding like a story for the Penthouse Forum ... the zoo, a cemetery, an empty playground, the hood of the car, the beach, the back of a taxi in Hilton Head, the list goes on. He put poems on my windshield, sent me anonymous flowers.
We would still go out as a group and, under cover of the loudness of bar crowds, he would say amazing things in my ear right at the table. In full view of everyone, and yet no one knew. I was hooked on the secrecy, the danger. Ya'll know.
We even played tennis together. His wife and my boyfriend were better players then we were, so they encouraged us to be a Mixed Doubles team (what a double entendre) at a lower-ranked league. All summer. Sanctioned time alone. No mutual friends on our team. It was crazy easy to practice and play (another d.e.), several times a week.
And I rarely thought of the Big Picture; what we were actually doing and how wrong it was. I'm not sure if I ever did, until the end of it. And even then, I wasn't the one who was married -so I still wasn't fully cognizant of how big this breach was. The gulf between Right and Wrong.
See above quote about infidelity: their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason. That would be me, I think. And I imagine my husband as well. He said recently, again, that he never meant to hurt me by it.
And I believe him, because he probably wasn't even thinking about me in the Big Picture sense. I know from my experience that I sure wasn't thinking about my boyfriend or Glenn's wife much, insofar as what we were doing would hurt them deeply. Wound them gravely. Especially her. Now I am her.
