Okay, okay. This post has garnered some strong emotions in the comment section. Mine included. Please feel free to add to the discussion there, help a girl out.
I do want to clarify that the man I quoted in that post was separated for years, plural, from his wife before they were reconciled. And there was NO adultery on either part, so his point of view is not skewed by anyone betraying the marriage in a sexual manner.
I think perhaps I should have clarified that for you from the get-go, even though I happen to agree with him regardless of what happened in my marriage.
It was an issue before the adultery with us, and continues in the aftermath, the irony of which is almost unbearable at times. I'm completely befuddled. And feel continually chosen against. Daily. Nightly. Over and over. Let's face it. I'm an anomaly here. I have the higher sex drive, UNstereotypically, as the female in my relationship. I was the 'betrayed' partner who actually WANTS physical intimacy in my marriage. My whole situation is off-kilter, compared to many of you. End of story.
I subscribed to a daily Christian email for wives, to encourage us how to specifically be more generous and caring. Because, hello, I realize I was not treating him well for a long time and I'll take all the help I can get. Half of those emails are instructing the wives to be more sexual to their husbands. Obviously, I am a freak of nature, if you believe the media. I don't need that advice, thanks.
My husband is a great guy; you would really like him if you met him. I guarantee it. He's a guy's guy, but also relates well to women. He's thoughtful, witty, smart and kind. I really enjoy him. He's also hot, and when he puts his mind to it he can kiss me like no one ever has and take my breath away. Literally. Cannot breathe.
But he doesn't. Put his mind to it. Some days he barely acknowledges me physically. I cannot remember the last time he tried to take my breath away. As a physical person, who loves to touch, this is hard to reconcile. Not only with my idea of a marriage, but with the man I did marry. And I didn't just marry someone less than ideal and hope it would get better; I married my ideal person. In every area. He was all that and a bag of chips, for a time.
So. That's difficult for me. It just is, and I am sick of apologizing for wanting/needing sex in a marriage. I have a physically able and sexy husband. Just out of reach.
I remember reading somewhere that when you're having it, sex is 10% of a marriage but 90% when you're not. I would love for it to take its proper place in my life at 10% instead of the big elephant in the room. And it's not just sex. I'm including physical affection of any kind, touches, kisses, hugs, special eye contact, verbal flirting. I'm convinced that if it were happening, my almost insatiable desire would decrease to a manageable level.
I no longer am comfortable wanting such things, and paralyzed to initiate any of it. How this all shakes down psychologically: I don't feel like a priority to my husband. I haven't for a long time, and the continued status quo reinforces my low status (below children and other-things-to-do) rather than reassure me of anything positive. It's not just a physical thing; it never has been. I want to be important to him. Walk the talk.
As I said in one of the comments I made under the post we're talking about: I just can't accept that this status quo is how God planned it, or that He intends to keep us here. Our God is a passionate God. I am made in his image. Insert Flap A into Slot B.
Your lips, O my spouse, drip as the honeycomb; honey and milk are under your tongue ... Song of Songs 4:11 NKJV
Drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers. Song of Songs 5:1b NAS
I am my beloved's, and his desire is for me. Song of Songs 7:10 NAS
