Too
adv. In addition; also: He's coming along too. [syn: besides, also, likewise, as well]
I was terrified of being happy. Because when you're happy, it can be taken from you. That's the hardest part about loving; the fear of loss. And now that we have lost, it's the fear my husband will never love me like he once did.
The shadow of another female always moving too quickly around the corner before me - the faint smell of a certain shampoo, the curve of a different breast, her smiling eyes into his, inside jokes. All in his memory that he may not be able to shake, and may very well miss in the dark hours of morning, I don't pretend to know.
Then there are the people you know, who know. And not because you told them personally. It's just common fcuking knowledge after a certain amount of time. Plus, I live in a small town and he lost his job due to adultery.
I dreaded those awkward conversations (still do), but then something strange happened. Friends would talk about adultery with the word 'too.' "That happened to a friend of mine, too, and she's now remarried to a man who adores her. Never been happier." "We had the same thing happen, too, and now our marriage is so much better than before the affair, it's unbelievable." "Yeah, my husband had one, too; well, three actually, and it nearly killed me but we're still together." It felt like a secret club, a black market of hidden pain. I'd probably broken bread with these women, kvetched over pre-school waiting lists, unaware of their gaping, infected wounds.
I will not use the word 'affair', as it conveys a light frothy cream that society views it as. You do, too. It's the meat of any long running soap opera or mini-series. Good gossip in your hair salon, or chatting on the cellphone in your kids' carpool line. An affair, a party, a gala event. Please. You have no idea.
I can't control my husband's emotions and actions. Only mine, and I don't always succeed in a way that makes me proud to know me. But I know what I believe. I choose to stay here. I choose to love him. I choose to believe God's promises for marriage ... that He desires to mold a marriage to be a reflection of His glory, passion, and love ... that my marriage is not excluded from His blessing list. I refuse to keep God in a box any longer while I handle it in my own strength. There was once enough there between us; so much that we held hands and promised 'forever' to what lies ahead on a Thursday afternoon in April, just the two of us, giddy and wildly in love. It was the best day of my life.
Nobody expects this bomb to happen to them on their way to Forever; that mess is for other people who aren't married to someone with integrity, blah blah blah. Well, I call bullsh!t on that. If you looked up Integrity in Webster's, you would have seen my husband's photo. You still would. And yet he is real, with multifaceted emotions, cognition and coping skills honed in a less-than-ideal world. The same goes for me. People are made of many layers, not all of them make sense, and if you can't (or won't) recognize that, you a) are hiding on neutral as you drive your minivan to another PTA meeting, or b) haven't had to face any real-life emotions much deeper than rooting for "American Idol" contestants.
That doesn't mean I want to him to quash his true emotions/heart/soul in order to stay with me. I only want him here if he wants to be in his very deepest places, and can be totally open and authentic with me as a partner. That's a tall order; I know because I struggle to do the same. My cage door is open and God ultimately controls the outcome. I could not 'force' or coerce him into loving me enough to marry me. He came alongside me because he wanted to, not because I pleaded and tugged at his sleeve. The same is true now. He's free to go, but I hope he doesn't, and that we end up becoming so much more together than we ever would apart. He is an exciting, sexy person - flaws and all. I guess I want to have an 'affair' with my husband. A party, a gala event. The thought makes me smile.
I long for the day that one of us says "I love you" and the other replies "Me, too"
