Adventures in Stepford: The Husband's Story...Part Two: The Red Zone

Adventures in Stepford

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The Husband's Story...Part Two: The Red Zone

Here is more of The Husband: Live and Uncensored. If you missed the start of his story, I've started a section in the Sidebar to place his posts. Now anyone can jump aboard and catch up quickly. Tell your friends and neighbors.

I'm sorry to leave the story hanging for nearly a month. I have wanted to continue but have had my energy diverted to other things. I didn't want to cough up another entry until I felt I had the time to say what needed to be said.

Looking back, among other personal dysfunctions, I was unable to develop boundaries with women who were not my wife. Meaning, I was willing to talk to any female about anything, and even asked questions about things that, unknowingly, drew me too close to the fire.

So, as with anyone (male or female) I knew, when the woman I ended up having an affair with and I became close, we started talking about personal things. Things that should not be discussed between a man and woman not related.

Now, it would have been helpful to have been aware of where the boundary was, but, in truth, I should have known. Of course, now the red flags go up if I stray past talking about the weather with another woman, but I like it better that way.

So, just a word of caution: if your husband tells you that his friendship with his female colleague, acquaintance, etc. is good because they can really "talk" to each other, or if he and she seem too friendly, tell him to back off. No good can come of something like that, even if it seems harmless.

Back to my story, while I did know this woman for 4 years, it was not until we both confessed to each other how unhappy we were in our marriages that the period of bad decisions began. This actually happened over about a year. One conversation led to another, and I guess we just became more comfortable about confiding in each other.

So there it was, and it literally went from friendship to out of control in a matter of days. It is all a blur. The term "slippery slope" comes to mind. I went from respected member of society to cheating on my wife in no time at all. That should scare the shit out of everyone. It is easy to judge people like me if you haven't been there, but the truth is we are all one small step away from personal disaster, and we should have our guard up at all times. Especially men. For whatever reason, I think men are inherently weak when it comes to women and can be easily deceived. Not to say that I wasn't at fault, because I totally own what I did. It's just harder for a man, especially in an unhappy or stressed marriage, to fall.

So I cheated. It was one of those pivotal moments in your life when you know that the decision you make could have lasting and devastating consequences to you and everyone around you. I liken it to strapping dynamite to my torso and walking into a room filled with my family and friends, and then detonating the explosives. While not everyone will be terminally wounded, everyone, depending on their closeness to me, will have some sort of injury.

Why did I do it? I wish I knew. I do a pretty good job of beating myself up about this on a regular basis. I have a lot of "If only I had not..." moments.

But I did, and by doing it I put my marriage, my family, and my job on the line. Oh, the places we will go.

And was it worth it? I can honestly say that it was not worth it. I would do anything to go back and undo what I did. I do not believe that there is anything in my life that I have done that I regret more than this affair. It was selfish and wrong and violated the very core of what I thought to be me. And it hurt everyone I care about.

I am going to save the rest for another post.

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 8:46 PM

6 Comments:

At 9:40 PM, Anonymous said…

I cheated too. It is a quick slide that I did not intend. You bring a lot of insight. Just getting it out will help.

- JokerMan
At 8:44 PM, Kristin said…

This is amazing. Thank you for sharing.
At 8:15 AM, Anonymous said…

You hit the nail on the head with how affairs happen...people don't realize affairs CAN HAPPEN to good people, not just evil demons preying on unsuspecting fools.

i sometimes think the only people who don't understand are those who haven't yet been there.
i've come damned close...maybe it's what helps me now understand my husband's affair/crisis.

as you analyze objectively what happened and why, decide what you want to do from here...build a new life with your family, or destroy what's left of it.

its in how you handle the aftermath--getting it out, talking about it, airing your feelings/needs and your wife's feelings and needs; working towards a new understanding...most marriages have gone on after affairs to be stronger and healthier. don't let it fester as guilt and destroy everything you've built so far.

jacqm
At 4:29 PM, Virginia (Jenny) said…

Being the wife who has somewhat gone through this very thing 6 years ago, I am seeing a man's point of view on this. At one point we paid for counseling and we weren't really getting anywhere. But then we found a good church and the pastor himself counseled us. That was the turn around. I don't think it is easier for guys to cheat. It's just he weaknesses between men and women are different. A man's temptation is with his eyes. A women's with her heart (emotions). When I was lonely because my husband was always looking elsewhere, my heart became lonely and I no longer felt cherished. When men would talk to me, I my heart would cry out for that attention and I became dangerously close to wanting an affair. Men would hit on me all the time but I kept keeping the scripture in mind that says, "Flee from sin (or temptation)". I took that literal and changed whatever in my life I had to, to keep my guard up. I stopped going to the YMCA. I agree with all you said. It's so not worth it. I'm so glad I made it. When I went to couseling, they told us, "Write love notes (just little ones) and leave them places for each other, give her flowers even when you don't feel like it, say I love you even if it feels empty. My husband and I did that and we slowly started to fall in love again. The actions came before the feelings. Now we are doing so much better. Not perfect, but much better. :)
At 6:45 AM, Anonymous said…

Oh this story is SOoooo true. I cheated. I didn't intend to. As you posted, the topics of conversation got more personal and we became very good friends. NOT that men/women can't be friends. But I didn't set BOUNDARIES, hell, I didn't know about boundaries!
At 11:31 AM, Anonymous said…

I cheated purposefully and haven't felt a bit of remorse...