Hm. Five years of French in a former life, and I still don't know how to say Life is Sh!t (The Life: It is Sh!t is my attempt). Any francophiles want to chime in here?
Anyway, it is (merde) and it ain't. Personally, I've been doing some hard thinking about myself, my past, how & why I relate to people (read: The Husband) the way that I do, and what I like and do not like about myself. Happily, I like more than I expected to about moi, and what I do not like I am finally free to look at full in the face and decide what I'm going to do about it. That would not have happened without my life being up-ended in this tragic way, I truly believe. I would give anything to have peeled off layers of myself without the acid of adultery thrown on me, but really, people. The Husband tried to get me to look at myself and our relationship for years, and I just wasn't going there. Until he turned away. So there's that currently going round in my little head.
Plus, I just don't know how long it will be before we hear from The Husband again, Sports Fans. He's having an upheaval of sorts right now. Have I mentioned previously that adultery cost him his job? I think I did. What I haven't mentioned (and promise to fill in any gaps about it all after The Husband has his turn at the details) is that I -like an emotional lunatic upon discovery of it- turned him in to his superiors without ever having confronted him first. We both made grave errors in the desert. A long story for another time.
Anyway, after the hammer fell in late December (Merry Christmas!), I went back to work fulltime and The Husband has been Mr. Mom for the last 9 months while collecting unemployment and starting his own business. And in God's great irony (that prankster!) the unemployment checks have run out right at the same time the new business has lulled temporarily. Bad, bad timing when you need one or both to pay the mortgage. So, manly man that The Husband is, he is feeling punished and b*tch-slapped as a failure for putting our financial 'lives' in jeopardy, as I work a lot to try to make up the difference, and just can't (too much overtime + mondo taxes w/drawn = not a happy Net paycheck). I have to say, I do not 'blame' him or have resentment or anger about returning to work or the finances -and this is where he worries and agonizes. I worry and agonize over the relationship, and that's not the bone he chews on. Different strokes.
We were in marriage counseling today, and she asked us what we would need to have fun together. I think I heard crickets chirping in the silence. When did this happen to us, this leading completely separate lives and no idea how to cross the great divide? It's like that stretch of interstate in South Florida. I'm on I-95 and he's on the Turnpike. We can see each other. The roads are parallel. They're right next to each other. But you can't get there from here. The roads do not join anywhere along the way. You have hours and hours of miles and miles of these two roads, and rarely is there an opportunity to find a toll booth. This is what it feels like to be in my marriage right now. I can see him over there, perhaps even a glimpse of him looking over on occasion. Maybe that was just a reflection. Did I imagine I saw him wave at me? But I can't get to him, I don't know how to reach him. And vice-versa. Ah. I ramble. Je parle beaucoup.
So yes, we'd like a little fromage with our whine, thanks for asking.
