I'm nowhere near dealing with all I have mulled over in the last few weeks, let alone the last 10 months ... but I'm less an ostrich about it than ever before.
I've always had trust issues with men, as I've mentioned previously so this really fcuks me up on a lot of levels. Have no idea all the ramifications, but on some level I'm sure I am still waiting for The Husband to be secretly longing to get out of the marriage, etc. It's an underlying fear (sometimes an underlying panic) that effects a lot of what I do/think/act. With that said, I'm going to note some concrete things I've done in the 180-degree department. Been noticed? I've no idea. But have to say I am quite content with myself regardless.
First off, as ya'll know I grew up in a crappy house with a lot of b*tching and sarcasm and snippy tones. Very mean undercurrents going on, and one of the things I disliked the most there (aside from the outright abuse, thankyouverymuch) were the tones of voice in my household of origin. I cannot emphasize this enough. People were always negative, even to the point of arguing with the TV, finding the worst in every situation, etc. and their tone was sharp-edged and wounding. Well, true to form, what I hated the most I had become. My tone of voice can be just like my mother's when I'm impatient, mad, or selfish. Or even when I'm none of the above. Was just hard-wired like that way back when. I've made a real effort post-adultery (when I had all the reason in the world to be a tone-of-voice nazi) to not be that person. I have failed miserably for the most part on COUNTLESS occasions since December, trust me. But the awareness of what my goal is and what I'm trying to do is big for me: Ms. Don't-Look-At-Anything-Negative-About-Self-And-Actually-Try-To-Change-It.
But lately (as in the last week consistently) I HAVE been really changing my tone of voice in all situations. Not doormat-ish, just softer and more friendly. I had been noticing my voice when I dealt with relative strangers. When saying 'hello' and 'thank you' at my gym to the trainers, my voice was really nice to hear and I kept thinking about it. Like, wow, I do have a pleasant voice if I can just harness it at home with my family. So I've been attempting that more, and this week it seems to be sticking more often, praise God. So that's happy 180 Number One.
Number Two is somewhat related to the voice. My daughter just had a birthday, and her party was last weekend. Every year, I turn into stark-raving-stepford-lunatic-b*tch in preparation for her parties. The invitations, decorations, et al. must be perfect. Yes, because I love my child and want things great for her, but I mow down everyone in the house during the prep ... and am tense as crap. God, what a nightmare I have been. ugh. Anyway, last year we had quite a nice party for her, but I remember The Husband said afterward (in another attempt to point out things about me that I was not seeing) that I had been rude & short with him in front of the other parents at the party (some unimportant crap about bringing out the hot dogs, who knows?). And you know, I just hadn't really noticed. And quite honestly, didn't much give a sh!t because again, I have been a real b*tch in my former life. Well, about 3 months after that, my world caved in and I remember this example of something that humiliated (emasculated?) him. I rarely, if ever, showed him real respect and admiration after we were married a while.
SO. Fast forward to last week. I was so laid back about this party it amazed me. Everything was still nice, but not down-to-the-minute perfect. Things I would have prepped ahead of time, I turned into a craft for the girls to do themselves (decorating their goody bags). AND, big incident. Weeks ago, I ordered a pinata on eBay, paid WAY too much money for it and WAY too much to ship it. Basically was an idiot because my daughter wanted a certain one, and I couldn't find it anywhere else. Nevermind that we are on the brink of financial ruin: Caution to the wind!
So, The Husband and I opened it up when it arrived. We looked at it and then boxed it back up. I put it in the garage -on his work desk- to be worried with closer to time (i.e. the night before the party) when we needed to fill it with candy. So, at such a time, the Zero Hour, this box cannot be found. We conclude that perhaps The Husband took it to the dump thinking it was an empty shipping box because hey, pinatas are so light the box weighed nothing. Old Me? Would've fcuking KILLED him, raged from one end of the house to the other about how he had ruined his daughter's birthday. Not so obviously b*tchy mind you, just subtly jabbing him with verbal barbs all night. New Me? Never raised my voice, or changed it from my friendly tone. I said it was no big deal, told him it was nobody's fault, and that we'll think of something else to do for a game. I went upstairs to calmly break the news to our daughter that we'd lost the pinata (with The Husband silently at her bedside, feeling like crap by himself) and Sweet Girl said "that's okay" and together we thought of another game to play with the candy. Crisis over, very expensive pinata gone and all is well regardless. And I never brought it up again. Went on about my business, no seething, no nothing. Just forgot about it. Over and out.
Sounds lame, but this is HUGE ya'll. I swear. Did The Husband jump up and down and have a parade for me? No, of course not. He never even mentioned it. Because even if he noted the change to himself (which I have no idea), he needs to see this change longterm in order to feel 'safe' about it, I am sure. But I felt so at peace about the way I was (compared to the old me) that night, I wanted to take out a full page ad in my paper: Alert the Media! Look! I can change! I was able to let it go (and the fact that I wasn't seething internally proves that I REALLY let it go) and accepted and forgave the offense. Big. Because really, I've given up the idea that this defines me. I've given up the idea that because something went wrong in my plan for the event, there's something wrong inside me that people will see. That's huge.
I'm pleased with these internal changes because I've just NOT been really good at them so far. Recognizing them, yes. Acting to change them, no. But finally I am having some success. Even if The Husband never cares about them, I do. I want to be more of this person in ANY relationship that I have, be it my marriage or with another man in the future (God forbid, but ya gotta think about it). I'm so grateful for this chance to fix my garbage permanently.
Not like I won't still fall down and fail at times, but I am happy with the forward movement.
