The Husband's hiatus from posting to ya'll is, I hope, temporary. While I would love to have his great storytelling ability and insight, it's not a priority for him currently. So! In lieu of 'the rest of the story' from him, here's a recent email that The Husband sent me (shared with his permission).
The lyrics to the Adam Again song "River on Fire." While not completely relevant to you and I, it is the saddest song I have ever heard.
NOTE: the Cuyahoga River runs through Cleveland and, at one time, was so polluted that it caught on fire. In this song, its just an image of the impossible coming true. I think Gene Eugene (the songwriter) was drawing a parallel to the pollution in a marriage which leads to irreconcilable differences; the point at which it's just too volitile to do anything but catch fire and burn.
what would you say if you knew what i was thinking? maybe you do but you know not to dig too deep what if i knew what you needed for sure?
i've seen in your eyes you need more, much more and i could be happy, and you could be miserable i'll grab a metaphor out of the air the cuyahoga river on fire
what can you say, the impossible happens what can you settle for? what can you live without?
i remember the night i first darkened your door and i swore that i loved you my heart was pure
you could be happy and i could be miserable i'll grab a metphor out of the air the cuyahoga river on fire
my open window, a dream in the dark my fingers, your face a spark, a trace
i could be happy and you could be miserable i'll grab a metaphor out of the airthe cuyahoga river on fire i know a lot about the history of cleveland, ohio disasters that have happened there like the cuyahoga river on fire
Let me tell you a bit about The Husband's FOO (Family of Origin):
He grew up as an only child (just like me) with a father who defaulted to the mother in everything. His father wasn't much of a strong husband in any way, he did his own thing and just kept the peace. He's a nice enough person, but really he just displaces air. He constantly 'exits' -disappears to smoke, has a 'workroom' downstairs where he retreats to in order to not have too much real interaction. I don't know why, he has his issues.
Even when The Husband was right about something in an argument with his mother, his father would not take his side -in order to keep the peace with his wife. Nobody had The Husband's back. To this day, if too much time goes by without The Husband calling home, his father will call him (from his cell phone, not the house) and prod him to call his mother. Oh, yes, I'm not kidding. Like he needs The Husband to step in and have some sort of relationship with his wife so he won't have to. Wacky, party of one, your table is now available.
The Husband's mother, no doubt out of lack of a relationship with her own husband, was all up in The Husband's life as a child ("ate him alive" The Husband puts it) - she still does, wants to know about every little thing going on in his life. If you put your toe in, she will eat you all the way up your leg, if you know what I mean.
The Husband became somewhat of a surrogate spouse, as far as communication goes. Talk talk talked to him nonstop, all the time, wants all the information there is in the world and yet it's all about her. OMGosh, you people have no IDEA how it is all about her. If you tell her you're sick, or the primary attention is turned away from her in any way (oh, like maybe her son had an affair and lost his j-o-b), she has to top you. With her faux diabetes, or her horrible dental appointment, or have the paramedics called (truly) because she may be having a stroke. No sh!t. Don't even get me started.
Not only this weird dynamic of must-know-all, but also that The Husband is the 2nd class citizen in his own family. Nothing he does is truly good or okay, or pleasing to his parents. There is always something to pick on. In the 10-plus years that we have been married, I have NEVER heard how much fun/sweet/precious The Husband was as a child, or any really good, flattering stories about him. The one story that's brought up entirely too much, for no apparent reason, is that he disobeyed them when he was a toddler and went down the driveway and set a foot in the street. Yeah, okay. All kids do something like this, but that is the bone they chew upon when talking about The Husband as a child. And that he NEVER SLEPT. And the one time he took a nap, she has a picture of it, because it never happened. Any Husband-childhood narratives are flavored like some ginormous inconvenience, heavy sigh, poor us. Well, hello, McFly? Kids are exhausting, yes, and at times a pain in the ass, but OMGosh I adore my kids and tell them all the time how much fun they are, how proud I am to be their mommy/ that they are my kids, etc. I am all about validating them as people, certainly more so because I see how my inlaws do not, and apparently never, validated The Husband as a person of worth just for being on the planet and a great person.
More weirdness: the parents never approved of/fully supported The Husband's hobbies/choices/desires growing up. He wanted to play drums, they gave him a saxophone. He wanted a simple vest from LLBean, they bought him a ugly, not-even-close knockoff. And people, this is a woman lining her own closets ad nauseum with high-dollar Talbot clothes. Money was NOT the issue. She buys all of us knockoff clothing for birthdays and holidays, but never scrimps on herself. That's more of the all-about-me coming out in a visible way. More reinforcement that The Husband was not worthy to get what he really wanted, wasn't good enough, was some sort of a disappointment. He played sports all through school; they never came to his games. Couldn't be bothered. That sickens me.
When we were pregnant for the first time, and announced the news, I remember we mentioned that we wanted more than one child. His mother said something to the effect of "Wait until you actually have one, and you may change your mind" - hello? WTF kind of thing is that to say about your own child? In his face?
So.
The Husband grows up feeling completely watched, poked, prodded and analyzed. And coming up short in their eyes. Big hot button for him.
So here we are, married and having our recent issues (PC speak for Infidelity) and he gives me access to his emails, all his passwords, in an effort to rebuild trust. He shares more about his day with me, too. But when I actually did read his email (early on, I don't mess with it now), or I have an issue, or the one (one!) time I told him that I checked his iTunes to see what he was listening to ... all of this is like his mother eating him alive and guilting him into whatever behavior she was trying to get out of him. Again, this 'dabbling', checking-him-out thing, was early on in the post-adultery time. I have since learned that looking in all these places will not help me find what I was truly searching for: his heart.
And that's the paradox. As a wife post-adultery, I have access to his life. As the man that he is and what he came from, giving me that access is torturous to him and makes him withdraw further emotionally from me. Enter the crazy cycle: he felt poked/prodded and withdraws further, I wanted him closer and wonder why he's far off and go pursue him. YUCK.
This contributes a great deal to why our progress has been slower than we'd like. We both have baggage and damage we brought with us to the marriage. Now, post-bomb, it becomes more evident daily what we lack in ourselves and what we need from the other, who fails to provide it. I was thinking today of how much we have changed and yet how far it feels we have to go. I'm astounded by how long this process is.
The following was written by The Husband in May 2006; his first post on a blog he no longer updates, but it was my favorite post on that blog. He has given me permission to reprint it here. He really does intend to continue with his story for ya'll, he's just writing a LOT currently for other commitments and is drained from the process. But he has promised me that he will not leave ya'll hanging forever. So here's a little tidbit to chew on from earlier in our process:
I am a gadget-geek. Just ask anyone who knows me. I surround myself with stuff: instruments that read temperature and windspeed, and handheld units that track my exact global position, within 20 feet or so, via a half-dozen satellites zooming above me. Strapped around my wrist is a watch that tells me my current altitude and in which direction I am heading. I have two docking stations for my iPod, and when I take the iPod for a iRide in my iSUV, I can tune it in to any FM station on my iRadio. By-the-way, if I wanted to listen to every song and every Podcast on my iPod in one sitting I would need to carve out no less than 5 days in order to do that. And the little bugger isn't even half-full. Incredible.
One of the most basic gadgets I own is a scanner. Basic technology. Lots of fun. I am the type of person who sees a fire truck pass by, with sirens screaming and lights flashing, and wants to know the inside scoop. False alarm? Car fire? Cat in a tree? I have to know. Since it would be unwise to follow every emergency vehicle I see, lest I be seen as a stalker, all I have to do is switch on my scanner, which, of course, I have pre-programmed to monitor all of the local emergency channels, and PRESTO! Instant information!
So a couple of days ago, on my way home, I found that I had tired of listening to all 1646 of my iTunes, and I switched on the scanner. I have discovered, after listening to this thing for hours, that the police spend an inordinate amount of time doing traffic stops. At least in my small town. Between the city, county, state, and federal officers who patrol my area, you would think that with as many folks as they stop each day that by now everyone in my county has been pulled.
All that to say, when a cop pulls you over, he immediately radios his dispatcher with your license plate number, to make sure the tag is on the right car and that it has not expired. Then, he saunters up to you and confiscates your driver's license, ambles back to his car, and calls his dispatcher with your OLN (operator's license number). The dispatcher then checks their system, and if everything is cool, they let the officer know that you have no"29's", which means you don't have a warrant or 187 parking tickets and haven't recently escaped from prison.
Stick with me, I am making a point.
Each dispatcher has his or her own way of saying things, and you get to know their own individual sayings and vocal shorthands. This particular day, a new dispatcher was working, and, as usual, an officer pulled over a car and did the routine. This time, though, when the OLN came back OK, instead of announcing the subject had no 29's, the dispatcher told the officer that the driver was "clear and valid."
Clear and valid. I immediately thought back on the past five months of my life--probably the hardest time I have ever endured. The pain here was self-inflicted, but came with such a multitude of aftershocks and flashbacks that it will literally take years to restore peace in my world. Years in order to be clear and valid. And it may never happen.
I sat in my car stunned--like someone had taken all of my feelings and boiled them down to a couple of little words. I am not clear and valid. Not in my eyes, or in the eyes of many who know me. I have hated myself, had friends turn their backs on me, and inflicted so much damage that there are days when I wonder if it will ever end, and days that I wish that dump truck coming towards me would suddenly veer into my lane and take me out of my own, and everyone else's, misery.
Sure, I know in my head that in the eyes of my Lord I am indeed clear and valid. Jesus did that for me. Christians talk of the crucifiction and how Christ took all of our sins upon him up on that cross. And I believe that. But, I wonder sometimes, if He did indeed suffer for my sins, then why do I hurt so badly when I sin and why does it have to hurt those around me? Why couldn't part of the deal be that not only are my sins taken away, but the suffering as well? Or even half of it? Maybe limit the pain and suffering and consequences to a particular time limit. You know, lie to someone, get 14 days. After that, clear and valid.
Because the real truth is, no matter what Christ did for us, we will never, here in this short plastic life, feel totally clear and valid. It's not the plan. I guess if we were, we wouldn't need God anymore, right? The suffering and pain is just the road to our Redeemer that we have to travel in order to see Him and feel His love.
Maybe today, we as Christians focus too much on being clear and valid. You hear a lot of talk today in Christian circles about VICTORY and "putting your sin behind you." But what if victory feels more like defeat, and what if I will never forget my past sin? What then? I don't believe the Church today is willing to answer those questions, because to admit that there is actually pain in being a Christian, and that suffering is required in order to follow Christ, then that would be negative advertising, right? Preach a month's worth of sermons about suffering and pain and watch your numbers dwindle. And it all does seem to be about numbers sometimes, doesn't it?
Instead of trying to quicken our steps and impatiently trying to move ourselves, and those around us, out of the pain and straight into a world where your sin is forgiven so why are you still sad you must not be a true Christian--maybe instead we should stop and feel the pain for little while. Maybe the pain and suffering is the victory.
Here is more of The Husband: Live and Uncensored. If you missed the start of his story, I've started a section in the Sidebar to place his posts. Now anyone can jump aboard and catch up quickly. Tell your friends and neighbors.
I'm sorry to leave the story hanging for nearly a month. I have wanted to continue but have had my energy diverted to other things. I didn't want to cough up another entry until I felt I had the time to say what needed to be said.
Looking back, among other personal dysfunctions, I was unable to develop boundaries with women who were not my wife. Meaning, I was willing to talk to any female about anything, and even asked questions about things that, unknowingly, drew me too close to the fire.
So, as with anyone (male or female) I knew, when the woman I ended up having an affair with and I became close, we started talking about personal things. Things that should not be discussed between a man and woman not related. Now, it would have been helpful to have been aware of where the boundary was, but, in truth, I should have known. Of course, now the red flags go up if I stray past talking about the weather with another woman, but I like it better that way.
So, just a word of caution: if your husband tells you that his friendship with his female colleague, acquaintance, etc. is good because they can really "talk" to each other, or if he and she seem too friendly, tell him to back off. No good can come of something like that, even if it seems harmless.
Back to my story, while I did know this woman for 4 years, it was not until we both confessed to each other how unhappy we were in our marriages that the period of bad decisions began. This actually happened over about a year. One conversation led to another, and I guess we just became more comfortable about confiding in each other. So there it was, and it literally went from friendship to out of control in a matter of days. It is all a blur. The term "slippery slope" comes to mind. I went from respected member of society to cheating on my wife in no time at all. That should scare the shit out of everyone. It is easy to judge people like me if you haven't been there, but the truth is we are all one small step away from personal disaster, and we should have our guard up at all times. Especially men. For whatever reason, I think men are inherently weak when it comes to women and can be easily deceived. Not to say that I wasn't at fault, because I totally own what I did. It's just harder for a man, especially in an unhappy or stressed marriage, to fall.
So I cheated. It was one of those pivotal moments in your life when you know that the decision you make could have lasting and devastating consequences to you and everyone around you. I liken it to strapping dynamite to my torso and walking into a room filled with my family and friends, and then detonating the explosives. While not everyone will be terminally wounded, everyone, depending on their closeness to me, will have some sort of injury.
Why did I do it? I wish I knew. I do a pretty good job of beating myself up about this on a regular basis. I have a lot of "If only I had not..." moments.
But I did, and by doing it I put my marriage, my family, and my job on the line. Oh, the places we will go.
And was it worth it? I can honestly say that it was not worth it. I would do anything to go back and undo what I did. I do not believe that there is anything in my life that I have done that I regret more than this affair. It was selfish and wrong and violated the very core of what I thought to be me. And it hurt everyone I care about. I am going to save the rest for another post.
Thanks for continuing to post comments in The Husband's story. I don't have an ETA for his next installment, but I'll let you know when I do. (Mustn't be a nag here, you understand) He's been reluctant to even read here since his post, I think because he's expecting ya'll to bash him - but you have been very gracious. But we do bash us some "cheaters" here in the USofA, while simultaneously glamorizing cheating in various and sundry media. Next stop: Crazy. All aboard!
Reader Colleen had an ultimately thoughtful comment, but it started out like something The Old Stepford Moi would say:"My husband and I have a no cheat policy. There are no redos allowed. If he cheats, i'm gone. simple as that."
Colleen, I had NO grace for adultery before this. None. Zero. I clearly remember discussing our friend's cheating spouse with The Husband. The couple was separated at the time, but she was going to re-start marriage counseling and try to reconcile. At the time, we were in our car headed to our house closing. It was June 2003; oddly enough I remember exactly where we were in town during this conversation. So our friend was going to move toward saving her marriage and I expressed to The Husband in no uncertain terms that she was an idiot and he should be out on his rear immediately. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. Don't let the back door hit you where the good Lord split you, if you know what I mean. And I believe that you do.
The Husband looked over at me and said, "You have NO grace" and I replied, "Not for this, I don't" and got all uppity and self-righteous and how-dare-he-even-remotely-attempt-to-disagree-with-me on this topic. Ya'll. I can't remember what I had for breakfast (hell, I even flew through a stoplight today with my mind completely elsewhere - have NO recollection of doing it - the cop just slapped my hand. Literally. Asked me for my hand and slapped it. No ticket though. Love him!) and I have Total Recall of this very conversation? Coincidence? I think not.
Now, this friend ended up divorced in the end, and her ex-husband was a serial adulterer, which I think is a significant distinction. But nonetheless, there we were and here we are. This, too, could be you in Five Easy Steps (down a slippery slope...). Don't presume to know what you'd do here. You may be quite surprised that you don't truly know your heart/strength/faith until times such as these. Cue inspirational music. No, really. I had no good idea of who I was and what I truly believed until faced with this. My world boiled down to the essentials right quick-like.
[AIS note after blog deletion summer 2011: if after all these posts are restored, I am somehow able to port over all the comments from my unbelievably insightful & wonderful Invisible Internet Readers since 2006 I will absolutely do it. But for now, sadly, Stepford has lost it's prior audience comments]
True to his word, here is my husband's first entry. My chest did start to tighten in the last paragraph, but I so appreciate him, his willing nature, & his honesty. Please post any comments or questions you'd like him to address/answer, and I'm sure you'll see it examined by him in the future.
To say that my life has changed radically since the affair would be a complete understatement. In the course of two weeks the affair started, my wife found out and I lost her trust, and my employer found out and I lost my job. In the subsequent weeks after the affair was made "public" I found out what kind of woman my wife is and I found out who my friends really are.
It's really something to watch your life fall apart. Everything I counted on as solid was stripped away, and my pride with it. In the past five years I have traveled a lot. Another understatement. Because I was a temporary and arbitrary member of our family I developed two worlds. One was at home, where I tried to be a good father despite being gone 4 months out of each year. My marriage? Well, I tried to do the "right" things, but everything was falling apart before my eyes. If you ask my wife, we were both at fault for what happened to our marriage, and I believe that. I had my 50% and she had hers. But, because I was never around for long, we fell into a dangerous rut, and I look back on it now knowing just how dangerous it was. Neither of us were getting what we wanted from each other, so the possibility of self-destruction was high.
My second life was with the many people I was friends with all over the place that my wife never even met. And it was satisfying. Yes, it was very difficult being away from home, but when you are traveling and working all of the time, all of the truly important things become very distant, and the focus becomes on the immediate--the here and now.
The woman I had the affair with had been a friend of mine for several years. She lived in a different part of the country, and we would talk and email sporadically, since my organization did business with hers.
The Husband has graciously agreed to ponder & post about his side of our story in installments. I asked him to write about it because the adultery is his story to tell, and our aftermaths are very different. I've owned my part in this marriage that contributed to the conditions for 'the fall', but the real events remain untold. We are both at fault for what happened to us, wish that old marriage to be dead, and be re-married in a different relationship. A tall order, I know it. I'm just saying.
He was initially going to have a singular Guest appearance, but he typed and typed and typed one night, and thought better of it. The story is just too huge, really. I don't know what he'll be saying exactly, but:
1) If it's not his honest truth, it's not showing up here. This blog's mission for me is brutal honesty and damn the torpedoes.
2) I won't alter or edit his words, no matter what. This is his story, too.
3) Since we are anonymous and none of ya'll know us from Adam, he should be able to be wide-open with us here. See #1. Rinse and repeat.
Stay tuned and buckle up. This should be a good ride. Check back for The Husband around the Sunday/Monday timeframe.
