Let me tell you a bit about The Husband's FOO (Family of Origin):
He grew up as an only child (just like me) with a father who defaulted to the mother in everything. His father wasn't much of a strong husband in any way, he did his own thing and just kept the peace. He's a nice enough person, but really he just displaces air. He constantly 'exits' -disappears to smoke, has a 'workroom' downstairs where he retreats to in order to not have too much real interaction. I don't know why, he has his issues.
Even when The Husband was right about something in an argument with his mother, his father would not take his side -in order to keep the peace with his wife. Nobody had The Husband's back. To this day, if too much time goes by without The Husband calling home, his father will call him (from his cell phone, not the house) and prod him to call his mother. Oh, yes, I'm not kidding. Like he needs The Husband to step in and have some sort of relationship with his wife so he won't have to. Wacky, party of one, your table is now available.
The Husband's mother, no doubt out of lack of a relationship with her own husband, was all up in The Husband's life as a child ("ate him alive" The Husband puts it) - she still does, wants to know about every little thing going on in his life. If you put your toe in, she will eat you all the way up your leg, if you know what I mean.
The Husband became somewhat of a surrogate spouse, as far as communication goes. Talk talk talked to him nonstop, all the time, wants all the information there is in the world and yet it's all about her. OMGosh, you people have no IDEA how it is all about her. If you tell her you're sick, or the primary attention is turned away from her in any way (oh, like maybe her son had an affair and lost his j-o-b), she has to top you. With her faux diabetes, or her horrible dental appointment, or have the paramedics called (truly) because she may be having a stroke. No sh!t. Don't even get me started.
Not only this weird dynamic of must-know-all, but also that The Husband is the 2nd class citizen in his own family. Nothing he does is truly good or okay, or pleasing to his parents. There is always something to pick on. In the 10-plus years that we have been married, I have NEVER heard how much fun/sweet/precious The Husband was as a child, or any really good, flattering stories about him. The one story that's brought up entirely too much, for no apparent reason, is that he disobeyed them when he was a toddler and went down the driveway and set a foot in the street. Yeah, okay. All kids do something like this, but that is the bone they chew upon when talking about The Husband as a child. And that he NEVER SLEPT. And the one time he took a nap, she has a picture of it, because it never happened. Any Husband-childhood narratives are flavored like some ginormous inconvenience, heavy sigh, poor us. Well, hello, McFly? Kids are exhausting, yes, and at times a pain in the ass, but OMGosh I adore my kids and tell them all the time how much fun they are, how proud I am to be their mommy/ that they are my kids, etc. I am all about validating them as people, certainly more so because I see how my inlaws do not, and apparently never, validated The Husband as a person of worth just for being on the planet and a great person.
More weirdness: the parents never approved of/fully supported The Husband's hobbies/choices/desires growing up. He wanted to play drums, they gave him a saxophone. He wanted a simple vest from LLBean, they bought him a ugly, not-even-close knockoff. And people, this is a woman lining her own closets ad nauseum with high-dollar Talbot clothes. Money was NOT the issue. She buys all of us knockoff clothing for birthdays and holidays, but never scrimps on herself. That's more of the all-about-me coming out in a visible way. More reinforcement that The Husband was not worthy to get what he really wanted, wasn't good enough, was some sort of a disappointment. He played sports all through school; they never came to his games. Couldn't be bothered. That sickens me.
When we were pregnant for the first time, and announced the news, I remember we mentioned that we wanted more than one child. His mother said something to the effect of "Wait until you actually have one, and you may change your mind" - hello? WTF kind of thing is that to say about your own child? In his face?
So.
The Husband grows up feeling completely watched, poked, prodded and analyzed. And coming up short in their eyes. Big hot button for him.
So here we are, married and having our recent issues (PC speak for Infidelity) and he gives me access to his emails, all his passwords, in an effort to rebuild trust. He shares more about his day with me, too. But when I actually did read his email (early on, I don't mess with it now), or I have an issue, or the one (one!) time I told him that I checked his iTunes to see what he was listening to ... all of this is like his mother eating him alive and guilting him into whatever behavior she was trying to get out of him. Again, this 'dabbling', checking-him-out thing, was early on in the post-adultery time. I have since learned that looking in all these places will not help me find what I was truly searching for: his heart.
And that's the paradox. As a wife post-adultery, I have access to his life. As the man that he is and what he came from, giving me that access is torturous to him and makes him withdraw further emotionally from me. Enter the crazy cycle: he felt poked/prodded and withdraws further, I wanted him closer and wonder why he's far off and go pursue him. YUCK.
This contributes a great deal to why our progress has been slower than we'd like. We both have baggage and damage we brought with us to the marriage. Now, post-bomb, it becomes more evident daily what we lack in ourselves and what we need from the other, who fails to provide it. I was thinking today of how much we have changed and yet how far it feels we have to go. I'm astounded by how long this process is.
