This is a personal journal entry from almost two months ago. It halfway sucks to become self-aware and yet still realize how far I have to travel to change my landscape. My perspective has shifted, yet my ability to step on this stuff outwardly has not so much. The track that my behavior follows in my brain is a well-worn trail. I am mentally & physically exhausted attempting to change all my deep-rooted behavioral flaws simultaneously. (Good Lord, there are so many it seems some days)
Here's one of them:
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
My view is till distorted. I come into a room hoping he'll see me (react positively to me) and I'm so focused on me, how he sees me that I don't turn focus on him outside of what he's thinking about me - screwed up. It is still selfish and self-centered to try to force [The Husband] to SEE ME and yet I don't focus on SEEING HIM - I am not [The Husband]-focused and outward in my concerns or conversations with him to validate him or be there for him. I am trying to "be there" so he sees me. How does what he's talking about affect me? How does he feel (about anything) affect me?How does it affect me? me, me, me. If I look just right, will he like me? Will he think I'm pretty? Will he want to talk to me more if I say just the right thing? Act the right way?
What about [The Husband]? How can I turn my focus outward in a NON-selfish and sincere way? At least I can see it now. It's a start.Therefore, it will come as no great surprise to you how often I fail to change my outward behavior while my inner self is screaming to do so. Or (perhaps worse) a constructive change doesn't stick, and my behavior seems inconsistent. Arguments and tears (mine) Friday night, as well as one this morning, come immediately to mind. (heavy sigh)
Go easy on me, peeps. Posting this entry is for some reason, really uncomfortable. No cakewalk today sharing my rotten parts with the masses.
Labels: Angst I HATE to re-read, past tense |
