Our first assignment from Thing 2: write out, separately, what the Ideal Marriage would look like for each of us.
The Husband, in his efficient way, bullet-pointed his:
Mutual Respect
A Team
Common Goals
Ability to be able to solve problems without attacking one another
A passion for each other - physical and emotional
Giving each other the benefit of the doubt
Laughter
Protect each other from the world
Serve one another
Hold each other accountable
Transparency/Honesty
Love without walls
Me, in my typical way, was all over the place. (Surprised? No, I didn't think so.)
I had a bullet list, too, then I expounded into categories, then I added a list of what I don't want in my marriage, and finally I threw in a list of what I loved 10 years ago when we were first married. Because, apparently, you can never have TOO MUCH OF MY OPINIONS. ha.
Part I, The Bullets:
laughter
eye contact
smiles
connected
date nights
playful
family vacations/adult-only vacations
touches integrated into life, not just an effort at a specific time
trust
respect
enjoyment
fun
conflict handled non-personally, non-defensively
Part II, The list in Categories:
Communication: ability for both to bend together, encouragement, enthusiasm for other as an individual & for the unit
Quality Time: fun, satisfied, time alone a priority
Affection: physical touch/hand-holding/making love (I crave this frequently; I am starving for it)
Finances: a team effort, scheduled (weekly?) updates, goal planning
Part III, What I DON'T Want:
separate liveschild-centered marriage
presuming the other's thoughts/feelingsbeing stiff-armed re: his frustrations (when The Husband is mad or frustrated by circumstances unrelated to me, i.e. seasonal allergies, house projects)
slow-burn feeling of disapproval from him
Part IV, What I used to Love 10 years ago:
reading out loud together in bed
laying in bed talking every night
walks in the neighborhood in the mornings (after I worked nights)
Sunday date with our newspapers on the sofa and all-day kisses
being playful
day trips to the beach
projects that felt more team/joint (painting, kitchen remodel, etc)
games (making bets about trivia, playing Hangman in restaurants, game nights at home)
random sex (wall, kitchen, you know..)
our wedding trip, from start to finish
The Husband coming to watch me play tennis
The bathtub time, i.e. my Husband's Leg - I can't believe this was on my list and I also blogged about it. How wacky that this tee-tiny moment is so strong in my heart.
So. We 'handed in our homework' and Thing 2 read them silently. She then handed them back to us and (again) mentioned how alike we were (really! in spite of my verbosity!) in our goals and what we want in a marriage. Our marriage.
Again, that was encouraging, even though at List Time we were early on in the process of redefining ourselves and our marriage post-destruction. I wondered if The Husband had assumed at one time that he was going to have this utopian relationship he had described with she-who-shall-not-be-named. The farther out we are from our personal Ground Zero, the more I can grasp how unrealistic that was for the both of them, and the flaws in their 'relationship' stand out with increasing clarity to me. (You know, besides the obvious ones of hey, they're both married with small children). It didn't used to; I used to be completely bought in to the fact that even though it shattered me and my family, that the two of them must be 'meant' to be together. That is the freshly-minted hell you inhabit when you read most all their emails for about 7 weeks.
Let me bust out here as an aside: Ya'll, Don't Snoop. I mean, confirm the adultery obviously, if you must (and I am so sorry if this applies to you. My heart just aches when I think of all the people daily who find their world crashing down with this type of news; it's a pain you cannot even pretend to understand without living it). But beyond the basic facts of the betrayal, DON'T go looking for more details. I speak as your horrible warning, not your good example. All the passionate language, undying love, future plans, dirty talk, whathaveyou, seared itself into my cerebral cortex, and became a HUGE roadblock to reconciliation between us. I could pull out any of The Husband's words against him, and I still could, but it's becoming less of a 'threat' to my well-being as we walk this road together. If that makes sense.
I still feel we are 'early on' at times, even 9 months out, but looking back at these Ideal Marriage Lists - which I have not done since I tucked these papers away months ago - I see the hope in them, and I could almost (almost!) smile when I read them because maybe (maybe!) we are on the way there with each other.
Of course, this hopeful post must be interrupted by a caveat of emotional turmoil of some sort...could it be: satan? ha. Just another difficult day for us today, on different levels, and The Husband especially - as we are navigating some scary financial waters without enough income to row the boat if you know what I mean.
Infidelity is ugly enough without losing your job on top of it. We are racking up the credit card debt while waiting on God to work out the details of providing. If you're a praying person, I'd ask you to shoot up a 'flare prayer' for us in this area.
This blog is older and I don't know if you still check it, I came across it today as I was searching for what I am even wanting in my marriage after starting counseling following a heart breaking moment in my marriage. I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for giving me hope. I don't know if your marriage worked out, I certainly don't know if mine will, but one woman to another thank you. God Bless You for the gift you gave me today, Sara
I don't know if you'll check back in the comments, but thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry for your pain. This blog was taken down for several months last year; actually deleted, after people in my real life discovered it and my anonymity was destroyed. BUT. I'm now painstakingly returning the original posts to the blog, and plan to update it as well. No matter who reads it. It was a loooooooong dark valley to walk through but I hope you'll keep reading. And I'll keep re-publishing the posts that were deleted for people like you. Thanks for reminding me to keep at it. -AIS
This blog is older and I don't know if you still check it, I came across it today as I was searching for what I am even wanting in my marriage after starting counseling following a heart breaking moment in my marriage. I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for giving me hope. I don't know if your marriage worked out, I certainly don't know if mine will, but one woman to another thank you.
God Bless You for the gift you gave me today,
Sara