You know, it never fails. Progress, Backslide, Progress, Backslide.
Case in Point: The Husband posts his first entry here back in the day, and The Universe conspires to take him down emotionally. He recovers, posts his 2nd entry almost a month later, and The Empire Strikes Back. Hmm. Could it be... satan? [insert Dana Carvey's voice here]. It's ridiculous. Just a lot of crappy 'coincidences' occur after each of his guest posts that emotionally drain him, and therefore his blogging here is fewer and further between. I'm just saying.
We are plugging along, living our little separate lives, yet trying to intersect occasionally. It's awkward and uncomfortable, and way frustrating that it's so unnatural doing the Marriage thing with my husband of 10+ years. WTF? I am hopeful that the reason is because we're in a transition phase and NOT that we're completely over each other. The latter thought sucks the oxygen from my lungs if I let it in, and I struggle to push it to the back of the line.
It's resoundingly difficult to feel like your spouse/former soulmate/partner could simply take you or leave you, with no real interest in knowing you anymore. No longer desiring to make it the utmost priority to spend time with you. And if it is there, I'm being fooled because I sure don't feel it. (Reminds me of that Michelle Branch/Santana song "I'm Feeling You". Wish I was.) I took that interest/desire for granted when we had it, way back when. When we slowly drifted, it just wasn't that big a deal to me, because you just assume the other person will always be there, la la la... Idiot me: the Ostrich (notice the telltale head-in-the-ground).
Then there's an affair, and so much ground to recover to find each other again because you had already drifted before it even occurred, and then the extra layer of pain with the infidelity. It's not always the Land of Doom here; not even close, but here in cyberspace is where I regurgitate my deepest concerns to my invisible confidants, so have a serving.
Today's Special: Hidden Fears. Sh!t. No wonder so many people just opt out, and go looking for an 'untainted' new relationship/marriage. We chose the harder thing, the road less traveled, and I am trusting that God will bless that. (Hello, God? Hear that? Doing the right thing. Trusting You. Let's get on with the blessing, okay? Please? Any time now. Thanks for what You've done already, but You see how much is still missing? You know where to find us. Love, me & The Husband)
More posts in the queue about various and sundry topics related to rebuilding the marriage, cleansing my "comparison-to-her" demons, and digging into my own fleshy parts with my mental scalpel to expose and excise the stuff that's got to go. I have a whole bunch of drafts to post, but it takes a while to polish them up.
If I don't, they end up all wonky and disjointed. Um...not unlike this post.
