My world of the past 6+ years was part-n-parcel of the Stay-at-Home-Mommy (SAHM) Universe, which consists of-total sleep deprivation accompanied by babies, toddlers, and preschoolers-park swings, Walmart, & grocery stores ad nauseum -babysitters not for date nights, but in order to go to my own doctors' appointments or get a dang haircut- conversations with other mommies on such world-stopping topics as colic, teething, potty training, and the like.
Scant adult interaction and certainly no men in my orbit. My own husband was barely in my orbit, with his work demands and travel schedule.
Things are different now.
Since last December, the gym workouts have kept me sane and I am there as often as possible. I have returned to work full-time and interact with adults in my world regularly.
This world includes men.
Successful, intelligent, and sometimes quite attractive men.
I have often said that I would have probably been the one in our marriage to cheat if opportunity had knocked on my door first. I was the spouse with the higher sex drive (I thought). I was feeling ignored by/unattractive to/disconnected from my own husband. I was lonely, and it seemed that if anyone was going to 'step out' it would have been me.
But honestly, when it comes right down to it, I have no idea if I would have or not. I talk a big game, but I never stopped loving my husband...no matter how poorly I was doing (or still do) it. Every fantasy I had was about him. Everything I wanted in a relationship, I wanted with him and no one else. In the rare times when we discussed our dissatisfaction, I would tell The Husband that very hope: "Everything I want, I want it with You"
I actually asked him (many months before it was a possibility/reality) if he was having an affair. Boy, did that p*ss him off. How could you ask me something like that? You must not know me at all.
You work out every day. You're fit and good looking, I told him. You stay up late every night. You never come to bed with me. You're not giving it to me, are you giving it to somebody else?
P*ssed. Off.
He grabbed his package through his jeans. We were standing in the kitchen. This is yours, he said. No one else's. And yet I continued without it. But still, he was faithful.
Until he wasn't.
And now I am aware of the circumstances that could make it so. I don't want any of the men who seem attracted to me and flirt on a regular basis.
I want the one who isn't and doesn't. I always have, dammit.
Sure, it's flattering. Hello? I've been starving for male attention for well over half a decade. And they consider me attractive and intelligent and fun. Because I am. I already knew that, but it got lost some years ago. It's validating on some level, but none of them are, or could ever be, the man of my dreams. I already met him ten years ago.
I pray he will remember why and how he was so crazy about me at one time and his heart will feel wide-open in love with me again. I pray my heart will be transformed into a safe place for him to move toward.
