Okay, so what else did Thing 1 do that wasn't productive? How about the fact that he would see us individually, although this was marriage counseling? At first, I didn't think that was a bad thing, but it turned our discussions at home (and in joint sessions) into He Said/She Said arguments, and trying to decipher whose "side" Thing 1 was on. Our current therapist, Thing 2, will not do that at all. If one of us cannot make it, she will reschedule. Period. And part of me longs for her to see one of us alone on occasion, but I now understand why not. Individual counseling can happen with another person, just not with her if we're to continue as a team.
Thing 1 never gave us any direction, and going into Thing 2 I was well aware that I wanted some GOALS set for this process. We would just go into Thing 1 sessions with what was on our minds and we would ramble, then he would ramble (truly, sometimes it wasn't even relevant to our situation), then we might watch a cool video, and then time's up, see you next time. Still leaving there with angst unresolved. Plus, when a man is committing adultery but he's IN COUNSELING, give him some credit. I mentioned that The Husband was still emailing and calling the other woman into the wee hours and Thing 1 called him a hormonal teenager. To his face. Not exactly the way to win someone over to your side of the fence. Reminds me of Christians who want to THREATEN you into the faith. Yeah, no thanks.
So we researched and asked around, and found Thing 2. Locally. Not an hour drive away; we couldn't believe it. Could a decent therapist practice in our one-horse town? We were both hesitant, and not terribly optimistic, to try another Thing. But off we went. Thing 2 is a conservatively dressed, soft-spoken woman. Upon first glance, I figured she probably couldn't handle us. Our fat drama. Our fatter baggage. We were like some big cussing sailor stomping into a small country church. And, as always, looks are deceiving. She very much could handle us, encourage us, and focus us. Who knew? The initial difference was: before we even met with her, she sent us paperwork that included a several pages for each of us to fill out our situation, our past (a bit) and our GOALS FOR THERAPY. woot! Just what I wanted. 1 point.
In our first session she read them silently at first, and then commented (somewhat taken aback) that our goals were surprisingly similar (we hadn't read each other's paperwork). So, right off the bat, she was encouraging. 1 point.
She had no papers in her hand, took no notes, needed no 'cheat sheet' - AND she remembered us, and all of our details in subsequent appointments, with no paperwork in sight. And she never yawns. Many points.
She gave us homework, right away. Assignments to do, tasks to complete. 1 point.
See the difference? If you've had some sh!t counseling, it MAY NOT BE YOU. Find someone else. Try again. (But on a side note: I have seen a zillion-plus therapists in my short stay on the planet. You must be ready to be forthcoming and work to change what needs it. If you want to just whine and b!tch, that's fine. But don't blame your therapist as being ineffective if you're not willing to DO what he/she says DO. Ya'll, BTDT).
