I always thought infidelity would be an automatic dealbreaker for me. Game Over. Thanks for playing. Next.
It wasn't. Here's what is: a lack of change post-adultery.
We have changed in how we relate to each other on the roommate level. Everyday household tasks, parenting, finances, etc are all communicated well and done as a team effort for the first time in I-don't-know-how-long, maybe ever. But that doesn't make a marriage, at least not the kind that's healthy and happy for real.
I have changed a lot, I realize there is more to change about myself -FOR myself- not just for a marriage, but my basic CONTENTIOUS nature is GONE. The Husband runs up against NO resistance in his life like before. NOTHING. I mean, I'm no doormat, as ya'll can guess, we do discuss things, but I argued with him and second-guessed everything he did pre-devastation. Everything. It was emasculating, and wrong to do. He has NONE of that now. And he's acknowledged that change in me. So - pat, pat - I will pat my back there, but it's not enough. We haven't met each other's core needs and I don't trust that we ever will.
I'm getting ZERO in my one Dealbreaker area: coming to bed at the same time, and making love. ZERO. He's still saying goodnight to me and going downstairs to all hours. No, there's not porn or any wacky sh!t going on, just a general AVOIDANCE of ME. I cannot tell you how many times I've told him (and also counseling) that this is where the rubber hits the road for me. This unhealthy pattern was going on pre-affair, but even though it made me miserable, I tolerated it. I also thought it was because of his then-highly-demanding job. Well, there's no busy job anymore, but he will now find reasons to keep himself 'needing' to do this or that. Garbage.
I told him post-affair that this is something I will not tolerate anymore (a sexless marriage and a husband who will not come to bed with me at the same time). This is not here and there, ya'll. It's every single night of my recent (and not-so-recent) memory. Actually, I cannot remember the last time he came to bed with me. Maybe when he had the flu last winter? Really, I cannot recall a time. A big fat rejection, lack-of-reassurance, and flat-out disrespectful as if he can't-be-bothered. It hurt before, but after adultery it's an extra special kind of pain. EVERY DAY.
This is the ONE thing I've asked for, the most important thing to me right now and the ONE thing he refuses to do. It's really bigger than the act itself, obviously. It's mostly about REASSURANCE and feeling sought after, pursued. I feel unimportant and I am starving. Somewhat because of the affair, sure, but mostly because I seem to be a man in a chick's body: I feel connected and more open/intimate AFTER sex. The Husband is like the girl, who wants to feel inimate/open BEFORE he's willing to have it. And NOTHING I have done makes him feel open enough, safe enough, to bridge that gap. You know, what-the-fcuk-ever. I'm about done over it. He had plenty of energy to pursue the other woman, but has no desire to pursue me. That is excruciating and I cannot live with that; I cannot even begin to accurately describe how painful it is to live in this vacuum.
And here's part of that extra special kind of pain: when The Husband's affair was ongoing, he would email she-who-shall-not-be-named into the wee hours of the morning. Every night. They complained about their spouses, and voiced their desire to be together so they could make love 24/7. Her husband was downstairs, and The Husband basically wrote What is wrong with him? If I had someone as wonderful as you waiting for me, I would never stay downstairs. This continues to pierce my soul.
I both want him to find someone worth going upstairs to, and me to find the man who finds me worthy to come upstairs.
