This is from a man whose wife had an affair. They have two small children and never separated, yet she was unfaithful while living at home - as he tried not to lose his mind. He made the hard decision to seek counseling, work on his own issues to become a better person, and hope she would stop the affair and choose him. She eventually did, but it took many months of backsliding and frustration and working on himself to get to where they are now in this post below. After following his situation for months, knowing of the issues in their marriage that led to the affair and the problems they've had since, I was really moved by what he wrote, to the point that I cried in happiness/relief for him, and with hope and desire for this to happen in my own life. He gave me permission to share it with ya'll.
Last night I guess you could say we consummated the consummation of our reconciliation and this time I am left without a "I won't believe it until..." -like I was after the first time we made love in almost a year. Something fundamental shifted in our relationship last night and while it started in the bedroom, I KNOW it will have lasting impact on our entire relationship.I will try not to be too graphic but I have gone back and forth with [name deleted] and others about my intimacy issues. Well, last night, and that night two weeks or so ago, I began to learn that I didn't used to have intimacy issues... I SIMPLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT INTIMACY EVEN WAS!!!!
I do not know this woman who is my wife, and that's at once scary as hell and exhilarating. What I first experienced a couple weeks ago, and then again last night, (to the Nth degree) was intimacy incarnate. I am learning so many things about myself and my wife through all this and one thing that keeps coming to mind is that statement that I made pretty early on that I would not take all this back if I could. If things are going to be like this, I could not have been more right.
NO, having an affair is not the path to marital bliss but then again, if my wife had not taken the extreme step towards leaving our marriage, I surely would not have gone through what I did, nor ended up where I am, a changed man full of wonder at the mystery of male/female relationships. I will NEVER condone what she did but I will also never portray it as the ultimate evil, devoid of ANY positive merit, that garners so much anger from most left-behind spouses.
As I have said before, maybe in a different way, it's not usually the affair that ends the marriage, it's the left-behind spouse's inability to control the anger long enough to move forward that does. The blame for the rift belongs squarely on the walk-away spouse, but the blame for it's enlargement often falls on us, the cheated on. Getting past that was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but so entirely necessary for my own personal growth.
My wife told me through all the talks we had during the bad times that what was lacking between us was passion and intimacy. She was right of course, but wrong in that it could never be passionate or intimate between us. She thought it was just something that happened. I know better, or should I say, through my reading and you all, I learned to know better.
What I found out last night was just how passionless and lacking in intimacy sex could be. I learned that because what I experienced last night was such a "togetherness" beyond anything I have ever had, with anyone, especially my wife, and that hurts to say.
She was open, direct and we actually talked during, something we NEVER did before. She asked for what she wanted and I did, too. We did for each other in a way that we never did before. I found out that this other woman lives in my wife's body and I think it's possible the other man may have brought her out, but I don't really give a damn because all I care about is building on this experience and growing together. I truly think we started down that path last night. My wife must have learned a lot about herself in all this, and now she's starting to realize that she can use that knowledge to make her life with me better. She HAS to know I might think it comes from her "passionate" (her words) experiences with him but she took the risk to open up to me last night and I welcomed it totally. It was so funny/sweet/sexy to see/hear her take baby steps, almost as if she were saying "Ok, let me try this and see what he does" but totally afraid that I would shriek with terror and run out of the room. Clearly I did not and that must have felt so good to her, so safe. I think that's what she never felt with me before and I think it's because I never acted like I was safe with her, willing to risk being open myself.
I hate to go on but I just want to make the point for some people who may question my apparent lack of anger over the affair, or wonder how I have the perspective I do. I have it because I knew that this held the answers for me. I knew that there were things wrong with our marriage that could be addressed, and that the other man was only a symptom. I also knew that there was a side of my wife, filled with passion and lust for romance, that was going totally untapped in our marriage and I wanted, NEEDED to learn more about that.
Could I have just lashed out and let my anger, that WAS there in large doses, consume me? Yep, and sometimes I did, but ALWAYS there was the idea in my head that the ultimate goal was to have a stronger, lasting marriage built on the idea that change HAD to occur in order for there to be any future between us.
I just never imagined that all of what was lacking FROM MY PERSPECTIVE (remember, us left-behind spouses are behind the curve when it comes to figuring out that the marriage sucks for us, too) was stirring under the surface of my wife and all I had to do was learn to take risks, REAL emotional risks (thank you SO much [name deleted] for this) and just go for what I wanted.
All along, what I wanted and what my wife wanted was the same thing. We just lacked the communication skills to express that and now, having gone through all this, neither of us are willing to just sit back and let any aspect of our marriage happen without our active participation (of course in all honesty, this has been 99% me until recently, but now I think my wife is starting to "get it" more and more).
Last night I did what [name deleted] told me to do months ago. I "took" my wife and while I am no expert on the validity of the female sexual experience, I would have to say she liked it a LOT. She turned into this person, this intensely sexual person, that I never imagined existed. It was amazing, it really was.
I guess at this point, I have to feel pretty lucky. I know I have it good all things considered but there is still a lot of work to do and that won't change, well, ever. Marriage is work and now I think I understand that the best marriages are also the marriages where the couple works the hardest. Coasting, through the good times OR the bad times - expecting that emotion, circumstance, or fate will intervene and keep things going - is a recipe for failure.I have not succeeded yet but I do think that I can honestly say that reconciliation has begun in earnest and not just because of last night.
We argue now and then make up. We disagree and it doesn't ruin the day. I don't give in to her and she doesn't resent me for it. We have our ongoing issues for sure and many of you know all about them, but I think as the lines of communication open up, and yes, they are opening up in the bedroom and staying open out of it, our other issues are feeling less important, less "big" in the grand scheme of things.
My wife never did use the word 'divorce' once in all this mess but in my head, it was always where we could have ended up.
