Adventures in Stepford

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Which Pill?

Where does the time go? Been 10 days since I posted? geez. That was unheard of back in the day.

Anyway, got stopped dead in my tracks last night by these words of a Wise Internet Sage (especially the last paragraph). Shared with ya'll with said Sage's permission

Maybe forgiveness is simply the act of letting go of the hurt and allowing ourselves to move past it while continuing to live. To take the lesson we have learned and use that knowledge, instead of being paralyzed by the fear that it will happen again. Not to be stupid, no, nor turn a blind eye, but instead to trust ourselves, knowing that we have already faced a terrible thing and survived. We try to teach our children to learn from their experiences - why then do our own often experiences make us want to hide.

Bitterness, resentment, anger, these are all extremely heavy burdens to carry. If we can find a way to forgive, maybe we can just lay down that burden and cherish what we do have.

Sometimes I look around at other couples in their mediocre relationships and wonder if there is a bomb in there waiting to drop. Or maybe the bomb will never drop and they will simply continue to go on as they are, never realizing how much more there could be to their relationships.

Maybe we are the "lucky" ones in that we all really know how great our marriages could be, and we have this wonderful goal to strive for. All they have is what they think they know, the same thing, day in, day out. I don't know what is better: to never really live and never really hurt, existing in a state of numb indifference, taking each other for granted; or to experience the highs and lows of what we are going through - at least we know we are alive, we know what we want, we are striving to make ourselves better people and to, hopefully, make our marriages better in the process.

If you saw The Matrix (the original), you may see the parallel here - which pill would you choose?

Labels: other people's words

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 1:20 PM 0 comments

Thursday, November 22, 2007

I Lived Awake, but Half Asleep

This is from Sheri Lynch's blog (of the famed national radio duo Bob & Sheri). I am NOT claiming these words as my own, but I wish my brain were so fab to spit these out.

Below is part of her blog post in a few jagged pieces - the ones that spoke to me most. Her post in it's entirety is here

…And if I die before I learn to speak
Can money pay for all the days I lived awake
But half asleep…

from Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money in My Hand
Primitive Radio Gods

Imagine if that’s what hell was: the utter loss of God, and of love and hope, and the sure knowledge that it was you who destroyed whatever good might have been yours. That it all could have been different, if only you had been less selfish or less cowardly, if only you had been a more grateful, more loving human being. To know that it was you all along and no one else, not the people you punished or blamed or pushed away. Total responsibility: yours. All second chances: gone. You’d almost rather spend eternity as a pitchfork target – at least then you could hang on to the meager pleasure of thinking yourself a victim.

Instead of seeing your life as a whole, maybe it’s better to break it into episodes. Since you’re not the same person you were ten or fifteen or twenty years ago, you ought to cut yourself some slack. What we think of as mistakes now surely seemed like reasonably good ideas to the people we once were. Some of those mistakes even felt like inevitabilities, didn’t they? Also, it’s a painful fact that many of us can’t fathom the cost of our actions until it’s past time to pay for them. So what are you going to do? Wallow in the past and wish for another try? Daydream about the future when things will finally be the way they’re supposed to be? Or face up to the reality that everything counts, and this moment, the one that’s slipping away half-noticed is the only one that matters. There’s no point chasing the ghosts of our former selves. What could we possibly say that would make any sense? We did what we did, and here we are, powerless to change even one single second. That’s the sting of regret: the knowledge of what needs to be put right, the impossibility to make it so. Kind of like standing outside a broken phone booth with money in your hand.

Labels: other people's words

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 7:28 PM 0 comments

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Put down your weapons

Not my words below, not even written to me, but it could have been. Okay, so between individual counseling, phone counseling, a local accountability person, and the Will of God, perhaps my dark places will get exposed to the light and melt like the Wicked Witch of the West. What? It could happen.

It took BOTH of us realizing where we failed and coming to terms with our demons. He used to lie, cheat, withhold affection.. you name it, he did it and I justified my anger and refused to change. One day I woke up and realized that I was going to find a reason to be suspicious, angry and unloving no matter what he did. I realized this because when he was gone and I was alone, I had no one to unleash my anger on but myself. It almost destroyed me. I finally decided to set down my weapons and figure out where that anger came from and start loving myself. I spent years feeling angry because no one could love me enough. It's hard to love someone who's just waiting for "proof" that they're unlovable. I'm not saying this is what you're doing, but it was a problem for me. I wanted to be loved, but I wanted it on my terms. I wanted to be loved, but wouldn't trust. I wanted change, but didn't forgive.

Labels: other people's words

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 8:02 AM 2 comments

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Dead Man Walking/Fighting

Ultimately, we're all dead men.
Sadly we cannot choose how, but what we can decide is how we meet that end - in order that we are remembered as men. -unknown

Labels: other people's words

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 4:20 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Grieving and Processing Changes

Some dog-eared pages in this book I'm reading. Thought I'd share a few excerpts from The Orphaned Adult by Alexander Levy:

How well anything is put together is disclosed when pressure is applied. Lean on a table. See if it wobbles. That'll tell how well the joints are glued. Sit in a chair, scrunch around, and learn how tightly its pieces fit. Pull a cloth to test its threads and the tightness of the weave. Put pressure on a marriage, and find out what it, and the people in it, are made of. (pg. 90)

I had always been a taker, not a giver. I remember one time in particular, when I was a high-school senior, my mother came into my room one Saturday morning around eleven o'clock or so, sat on my bed, and said, "It would please your father and me very much if you would make the effort to get up one Saturday on your own, without me having to nag you, and mow the lawn."
Well, I never did get up on Saturday morning and mow the lawn. I was too selfish. However, when my father was dying, for the first time in my life, I discovered the ability to be generous, gentle, kind, and loving. At one point, I even decided to move in with my father. He was having accidents at night, and I would get up and change his sheets for him. In the past, I would have gone on a tirade: "You have a urinal there. Why didn't you use it? If you didn't think you were going to make it up, why didn't you wake me? Why should I have to get up and change this bed?" But, no, I didn't say those things. It almost wasn't me. For the first time, I was able to give of myself, from my heart. It's like I was finally able to get up and mow the lawn without having to be asked" (pgs.103-104)

Grief comes in waves that last for a while and then abate. We get distracted for a while by something else - a phone call, hitting our thumb with a hammer, having to park the car in a very tight space. Lonely times are interrupted for a while by visiting friends. Pain and fear-filled thoughts temporarily yield to happy or amusing reminiscences. We feel better, and mistakenly, think grief is over, only to be discouraged by its return with the next wave.
We do not pass through grief in a straight line. We do not start feeling better and then, bit by bit, get better and better, each day an improvement over the day before, each week easier than the one it follows. The recovery from loss is much more erratic than that. It is characterized by times of feeling pretty good, in which we dare to believe that crying time might be almost over, followed by crushing times of feeling much worse, in which we believe crying time will never end. (pgs. 150-151)

Edited to add two more:

The bereft are exhausted. Emotions activated by grief - sorrow, anger, fear, remorse, and so on - require a lot of energy. Expressing emotions, whether by crying raging, or sulking, uses energy. Suppressing emotions to conceal them from ourselves and others uses even more energy. Becoming increasingly vigilant in response to strange circumstances uses energy. Struggling to understand and solve problems with which we are unaccustomed, especially when resources are already depleted, uses energy.
Grief is hard work. (pg. 159)

When people ask for guidance to get through times of great sorrow, I usually include the recommendation that they pray. If they ask me how, I reply, "However you pray will be fine."
....If they say they do not know how to pray, I tell them, "Well, then, that'll be the first thing you can pray for."
Just about everybody prays, one way or another ... I know lots more who never enter any religious building ... but they cry out indignantly at the injustices life throws their way ... I wonder to whom they are speaking.
I do not encourage people to pray in order to convert them to a particular religion, or for that matter, to religion at all. ...I encourage people to pray, by themselves or in prayer groups, for one reason - I see that it works. Prayer causes something unexpectedly restorative and wonderful to happen in healing people's hearts. Prayer is good for us. Prayer helps us to recover faster and to live our lives more fully.
...Over the years I have observed that people who have come to me for help who also pray - regardless of their religious affiliation, what they hold sacred, or how dogmatically they observe the doctrines of their faith - seem to get their lives going in satisfying ways and start feeling whole again faster than those who do not pray.
I encourage people to pray because I have observed a direct connection between prayer and recovery.
I cannot say why this happens. But then, come to think of it, I have no idea how a television works either. I just know which buttons bo push. I don't understand how flowers grow. I just weed, fertilize, and water. The flower takes care of the rest.
I don't know how or why prayer helps. I have just seen that it does.(pgs. 170-172)

Labels: other people's words

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 5:38 PM 2 comments

Thursday, June 14, 2007

While You're Waiting for the Hope Part...

...a little ditty about Forgiveness, that eternal pain in my ass.

I have been reading a book on and off since last summer. More off than on lately. That's how I roll, and I have several half-read books littering my life and nightstand. I am moving close to the end, pick it up here and there as I am led to do so.

Like tonight.

God's timing is so freaking perfect. That God, he's so clever.

We in Stepford had recently been having conversations about generational sins, and strongholds over us (read: Me), and not to get all Amityville Horror/Exorcist on you, the hold that satan has in various places in our (read: My) life. More on that in the Hope part, perhaps, but just to show you a glimpse of the view from here.

So I pop open to my bookmark and start reading. Italics are the author's words, and I jump around a bit in her text, but they should be credited solely to her (Sandra D. Wilson, Ph.D.), much of the emphases are mine.

Tonight's reading was a Relevant Trifecta: me as a child, me with my husband (and he with me), and me with my kids. Lots of things stirring around in my stew as I read.

[a client] realized that hurt people hurt people...

[on the misperception that forgiveness makes the incident/hurt become 'no big deal']:
On the contrary...sin is such a colossal 'big deal' that it needs to be forgiven. Excusing, minimizing, trivializing it won't work. It must be forgiven - not denied or discounted.

...even when we have sincerely chosen to forgive, we may need to settle for very limited reconciliation with some people. Their emotional problems or lifestyle choices may preclude anything more.

But even after sincere commitments [to forgive], we can be blown temporarily off course by painful memories or other violent emotional storms....It's important to remember that only God forgives perfectly. The rest of us have to keep working at it with continual recommitment.

...would an apology pay for a repeated betrayal of your trust? In fact, ask yourself, what could those [people] in your past possibly ever do to make up for what happened? In effect, they own a debt they can never repay.
Can you see the picture? There they are, standing in front of you with empty hands and pockets, utterly unable to pay for the past. And there you are facing a choice that will shape your future.

...forgiving is not merely difficult; it is humanly impossible. Forgiving is not natural to human beings. We are more in tune with 'an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth'. As a result many of us go through our lives and our relationships blind and toothless!
We blind and toothless Christians operate from a double standard when it comes to grace. We enjoy relating to God by grace but we insist on relating to others by law.

God is not playing games with us about forgiveness. He doesn't call us to forgive without supplying the power to do it

...our postsalvation sins may be the ones that haunt us most. Though we can't disappoint God (his expectations are always realistic), we can grieve Him. He knows how destructive the results of our sin will be in our lives and in the lives of others.

...[a client] learned that confessing her sins was no substitute for forsaking them....to "help" God in punishing her she had dropped out of ... activities that brought her joy.

...you may have confessed your sins...but have you confessed your complete forgiveness? ...But do you believe it? I mean, do you believe it for you?

It's true that I don't know how horrible your sin might be. But I know how great God's grace is. And I know that either "the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin" (I John 1:7) or God is a liar. 'All sin' includes even yours - and mine.

These words really spoke to me, and she specifically points to intergenerational forgiveness and sins, going on to talk about parenting and passing on the hurts, etc.

So.

Ya'll know. I need to forgive my mother. Again. And again. I need to forgive my husband. Again, and again. My husband needs to forgive me. Again, and again.

My children will learn that they need to forgive me. Again, and again. And I am breaking the cycle by ASKING THEM for forgiveness the minute I realize I've wronged them. In word, or tone, or deed. And, thank God, so far they always do.

That perpetual (yet, hopefully diminishing-) cycle of recommiting to forgive when we get temporarily derailed by painful memories or pissed-off-ness about being 'wronged' past or present. And to remember that it is temporary, because it was emotion-based. And, hello? Have you met me? I could go on a pro-am tour showcasing Emotional Rodeo Riding.

Labels: introspection, other people's words

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 7:31 PM 1 comments

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Today I Will Make A Difference

Two weeks with no posts? That must be a record in Stepford. Any readers left? I have mulled and ruminated and turned over half a dozen different post ideas in those two weeks+ and lost half of them to busy-ness, some fire to put out, or plain forgetfulness. Making a priority to write an entire post of my own words tonight, sleep be damned! ha.

I am not consistent at the following Action Plan, but when I am, I'm amazed at my own happiness potential. Posted here to reinforce my refocusing efforts.

Today I Will Make a Difference
by Max Lucado

Today I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my thoughts. A person is the product of his thoughts. I want to be happy and hopeful. Therefore, I will have thoughts that are happy and hopeful. I refuse to be victimized by my circumstances. I will not let petty inconveniences such as stoplights, long lines, and traffic jams be my masters. I will avoid negativism and gossip. Optimism will be my companion, and victory will be my hallmark. Today I will make a difference.

I will be grateful for the twenty-four hours that are before me. Time is a precious commodity. I refuse to allow what little time I have to be contaminated by self-pity, anxiety, or boredom. I will face this day with the joy of a child and the courage of a giant. I will drink each minute as though it is my last. When tomorrow comes, today will be gone forever. While it is here, I will use it for loving and giving. Today I will make a difference.

I will not let past failures haunt me. Even though my life is scarred with mistakes, I refuse to rummage through my trash heap of failures. I will admit them. I will correct them. I will press on. Victoriously. No failure is fatal. It’s OK to stumble… I will get up. It’s OK to fail… I will rise again. Today I will make a difference.

I will spend time with those I love. My spouse, my children, my family. A man can own the world but be poor for the lack of love. A man can own nothing and yet be wealthy in relationships. Today I will spend at least five minutes with the significant people in my world. Five quality minutes of talking or hugging or thanking or listening. Five undiluted minutes with my mate, children, and friends.
Today I will make a difference.

Labels: life in stepford, other people's words

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 4:30 PM 0 comments

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Learning to Wait

Learning to Wait ( ... and not just for me to Post Something...)
Psalm 25:20-21

What are we to think when God withholds His answer to a prayer? Most likely, you've wondered this yourself at some point. As creatures bound by time, we can find those ticking seconds very frustrating!

God doesn't see us simply in the here and now. He perceives the entire big picture at once--where we've been, where we are, and where we're going. And He knows the exact impact on our lives of every little decision, action, or blessing.

Does God want to bring something into your life that would absolutely destroy you? Of course not! He knows what may be a tremendous blessing later could completely wreck your life now. For this reason, He often pauses to give you time to prepare for that blessing.

Learning to patiently wait on God is difficult. Doing so successfully demands at least three things from us. First, we must be sensitive to Him. That is, we must nurture our relationship with the Father so we can hear Him when He tells us to wait. Second, we must trust His judgment. Does God know more than we do? Of course. Then doesn't it make sense to trust Him? Last, we must be obedient. If we try to accomplish something alone after God tells us to wait, then we're headed for disaster. God blesses obedience, even obedient waiting.

The Lord doesn't operate in a vacuum. He works within His relationship with you. Never forget He is actively walking with you, even when He withholds an answer to your prayer. It doesn't mean He's not there; it simply means He's looking out for you even more.

Labels: other people's words

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 6:47 AM 1 comments

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Past Sins III

An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.-a wise internet sage

Part I
Part II

Well, hell: I'm on the Personal World Tour of Disgrace and Shame, might as well continue the quest to show you more completely unappealing sides to myself. (I'm your if I can't be a good example, let me be a horrible warning gal right here. One stop shopping.)

Where were we?

Oh, yes: the 'excuse' we used to get to Glenn's house alone (fight with my boyfriend, his wife out of state for the week). Yes, he kissed me to distraction once we were there, and I kept thinking I would draw the line at intercourse. That personal dialogue never wins out though.

I can think of several times in my Lost Summer(s) of my 20's where I sternly told myself "no sex" -then completely caved in by the end of the evening. And this night was no exception. I am no one's shining example of willpower, let me assure you.

We spent several hours at his house, and then he brought me back to my house where I quietly slipped into bed next to The (sleeping) Boyfriend, hoping I didn't give myself away. A little bit of Guilt, but more a Hoping Not To Be Caught.

And thus started an adventure of escapades. Lots of sneaking around, white lies, etc. Leaving my car somewhere and riding with him, so my car wouldn't be at his house during the day. I was in school, he was in a sales job - we were more flexible in our stealth-ability. He came home from a business trip a day early, I met him at a local hotel. I would page him "6969" when I was free, and we would meet in all kinds of crazy places.

OMGosh, I cannot even begin to tell you all of them without sounding like a story for the Penthouse Forum ... the zoo, a cemetery, an empty playground, the hood of the car, the beach, the back of a taxi in Hilton Head, the list goes on. He put poems on my windshield, sent me anonymous flowers.

We would still go out as a group and, under cover of the loudness of bar crowds, he would say amazing things in my ear right at the table. In full view of everyone, and yet no one knew. I was hooked on the secrecy, the danger. Ya'll know.

We even played tennis together. His wife and my boyfriend were better players then we were, so they encouraged us to be a Mixed Doubles team (what a double entendre) at a lower-ranked league. All summer. Sanctioned time alone. No mutual friends on our team. It was crazy easy to practice and play (another d.e.), several times a week.

And I rarely thought of the Big Picture; what we were actually doing and how wrong it was. I'm not sure if I ever did, until the end of it. And even then, I wasn't the one who was married -so I still wasn't fully cognizant of how big this breach was. The gulf between Right and Wrong.

See above quote about infidelity: their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason. That would be me, I think. And I imagine my husband as well. He said recently, again, that he never meant to hurt me by it.

And I believe him, because he probably wasn't even thinking about me in the Big Picture sense. I know from my experience that I sure wasn't thinking about my boyfriend or Glenn's wife much, insofar as what we were doing would hurt them deeply. Wound them gravely. Especially her. Now I am her.

Payback's a b!tch.

Labels: other people's words, past tense

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 7:55 AM 0 comments

Monday, March 12, 2007

Flatline Sex Life

Well, that last post was a whine-fest, so I'll get out of my own head and let someone else do today's whining portion.

With his permission, this is what a wise man wrote to a woman who didn't want to have sex with her husband. He shared his point of view, in the hopes that she could understand what her own husband felt in a sex-starved marriage.

And after reading what he wrote, she got it. Really got it. So one man's stuggle blessed another person. That's what you hope for, second only to setting right your own.

Here's how I feel about my wife not being able to be intimate. I feel like I have a disease, like I'm not good enough for her, like there's something wrong with me, like she doesn't like me or love me, like I'm shackled and stuck in a cage that I can't get out of. It makes me want to divorce her, and go find a woman that'll want to have sex with me. A woman that enjoys a good orgasm, and isn't afraid to show it.

You see, one of the biggest turn-ons for a guy is a woman who's turned on. It's not a porno kind of thing, it's a sharing of the love thing. It's a communication that is deep and very hard to describe, but it lets us guys know that we are needed, loved, and appreciated, like a warm piece of fresh baked apple pie. We come away with the satisfaction of knowing that our woman just recieved the fullest of the love we can possibly deliver.

Being refused good sex is the ultimate rejection. It's like a kid pouring his soul into a work of art, or writing beautiful story, and being super excited to show it to his mom, only to find mom uninterested or not even care to see it. Makes you just want to tear it up and throw it away.

Personally, it's the cruelest thing I've ever had to face. I'd much rather have her be rude, ugly, short tempered, air headed, etc. Just about anything but frigid.

Sex should not get mixed up in personal differences. It should be like brushing your teeth, you do it every day no matter if you're mad or sad or whatever. Don't get it mixed up with all the other confusing emotions that are running around.

Just have a glass of wine, dance naked in front of the mirror, whatever you need to get you a little warm, and then give that man the whole of you! Teach him how to bring you to climax like only YOU know how to climax and scream outloud how good it feels.

It's a blessing from God to you and your spouse. Keeping your spouse from good sex, is keeping them from one of the greatest blessings that God has given a marriage.

Labels: other people's words, relational

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 11:49 AM 8 comments

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Chasing Lions

Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death.

Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention.... Stop repeating the past and start creating the future.

Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshipping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze a new trail....Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not...

Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away...

What if the life you really want and the future God wants for you are actually hiding in your biggest problem, worst failure, or greatest fear?...

When we don't have the guts to step out in faith and chase lions, God is robbed of the glory that rightfully belongs to Him.

And the truth is this: The greatest regret at the end of out lives will be the lions we didn't chase.

I'm convinced that many of us are one chase away from our dreams becoming reality. I can't promise it will be a short or an easy chase. In fact, it will probably scare the living daylights out of you.

But where you end up in life really does trace back to how you react when you cross paths with a lion.
-from an article by Mark Batterson in the Jan-Feb 2007 issue of Relevant Magazine

Labels: other people's words

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 7:53 AM 1 comments

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Fairy Tale Dreams

'You know how when you're a little girl and your mom reads you fairy tales before bedtime, and you fall soundly asleep after the story, dreaming of being in the fairy tale? I'm off to tuck myself in and dream of castles and crowns...and someone loving me that much, like in the story.'

If words could fall like raindrops
From these lips of mine
And if I had a thousand years
I'd still run out of time
To express my love for you
I cannot even start
All the words now fail me
You have to read my heart. -Jeff Thoren

Labels: Kodachrome, other people's words, quotes

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 9:03 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Honor and Cherish Her

I wanted to introduce you to this book properly, but had to share this bit from the middle of the book first. I don't know why, just go with me.

This is a great book. The subtitle is: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs
True, that.

I started this book waaaaaay before the adultery, but our marriage was already being admitted to the Relationship ICU with multiple diagnoses of neglect, lack of communication, disrespect, and lack of intimacy. I was half-heartedly trying to get some answers. But. I was still asleep and blind in my way, and just stopped reading somewhere in the middle. It has been on my nightstand for almost two years now. I picked it up recently to add to my lineup of simultaneous reading, and I have brand new eyes reading it believeyoume. You can link to the amazon.com page by clicking on the photo.

There's a "crazy cycle" to marriage relationships. In a tee-tiny nutshell: If she feels unloved, she is disrepectful. If he feels disrespected, he is unloving. It's simple but so true.

Much more to follow on the basics there, and I'll talk more about what I learned in the post about this book that should have preceeded this one, but whatever. My blog. My rules. My brand of crazy, here.

Chapter Fourteen
Esteem - She Wants You To Honor and Cherish Her

Over the years, many men have come to me and said, "You know, Pastor, my prayer life isn't what it should be."
I respond, "How are you treating your wife?"
"No, no," the husband hastens to explain. "My prayer life isn't where it ought to be."
"How are you treating your wife?"
"No, no, Pastor, I'm saying my prayer life; I'm not talking about my wife."
I smile and say, "I am talking about your wife."

...Tucked into I Peter 3:7 is one more phrase that every husband should heed. Peter adds that the reason the husband should treat his wife in an understanding way, as a fellow heir in Christ, is so that his "prayers will not be hindered." That is why I would often tell men who came to see me for counsel that, if heaven seemed silent to their prayers, perhaps they were not honoring their wives as God intended.

These men were sure they were doing all the right things, walking in integrity, and serving the Lord, but when they prayed, the heavens semed as brass. They kept wondering, "God, why aren't You hearing me?" And as we probed a little deeper, we often saw that the answer for these men was that they weren't living with their wives in an understanding way that honored and esteemed them. As soon as these men started obeying Scripture, their prayer life improved.

...Your wife does not want to chair the relationship but she does want to be first in importance to you. This is what Peter means by "show her honor" (I Peter 3:7). Your wife wants to know that you have her on your mind and heart first and foremost. This is what I mean by "esteem"; when it's there, your wife will feel treasured as if she's the most loved woman on earth. Also, she will want to respect you in a similar way that the church reverence Christ. Remember that your love motivates her respect, and her respect motivates your love!

Labels: introspection, other people's words

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 9:48 PM 1 comments

Monday, February 19, 2007

At My Most Beautiful

This wise woman has said exactly, exactly, exactly what I think here. OMGosh, ya'll, I could put this on billboards across the nation, I feel so strongly about it:

I don't know about you but I am pretty sure that I wouldn't have learned as much, as fast, if this hadn't happened to shake up my life. I realized at one point during this that my husband is the only person on this earth that could hurt me deeply enough to start me on this path of discovery.

I’ve found a way to make you
I’ve found a way
A way to make you smile

I read bad poetry
Into your machine
I save your messages,
Just to hear your voice
You always listen carefully
To awkwards rhymes
You always say your name,
Like I woulden’t know it’s you
At your most beautiful

I’ve found a way to make you
I’ve found a way
A way to make you smile

At my most beautiful
I count your eyelashes secretly
With every one, whisper I love you
I let you sleep
I know you’re closed-eye watching me,
Listening
I thought I saw a smile

I’ve found a way to make you
I’ve found a way
A way to make you smile

-At My Most Beautiful, R.E.M.

Labels: lyrical gangsta, other people's words, snapshots

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 7:41 PM 0 comments

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Take, Eat

The following is a mish-mash of words I've read from all over the place that have spoken to me about myself, my husband, marriage, and all the usual suspects.

Mat 16:24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Those who want to come with me must say no to the things they want, pick up their crosses, and follow me.

Jesus carried his own cross. We had nothing to do with that. Like Jesus, we have to carry our own cross, whatever that cross may be.
It's only through experimentation that you will discover what God wants you to do. You can't learn anything about the grace of God without being in a community (i.e. alone).
If you are alone, you can't learn to bear the burdens of others, love others, forgive others and learn from others.
-from the blog I Will Not Eat The Darkness

*Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past

*You hurt him then. Today he hurts himself with this knowledge. He makes himself miserable with the facts of the past. You are not hurting him still, he is using your past actions to hurt himself in the present. Things like this should not be held over another's head. Either he gets over it or he doesn't - it's his problem to deal with, and if he wants to make you a part of the solution, he can ask, but you can not solve this problem for him. In time he will have to accept his part in the mess and forgive you for yours.

*There is enormous love in forgiveness - and forgiving is something that needs to happen on a regular basis.

*I began to see how I loved the self-pity, holding the moral high ground and the self-righteousness I had in our marriage crisis. It really struck me and I confessed it to God.

*God answers prayer. It seems he delights in answering the prayers of people who are seeking to humble themselves and become more Christlike.

*The situation won't change until someone in the situation changes.

*Maybe the best is still to come.

Labels: Kodachrome, other people's words

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 7:35 AM 0 comments

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Awake

I regret none of this, it hurts and it is painful, but I am awake, and I know what I want.

When the soul wakes up... get out of the way.

Labels: other people's words, snapshots

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 9:42 PM 0 comments

Friday, February 09, 2007

Standing

Source: Wise Internet Sages

Do you know what the evidence of your faith is?

It is when things all around you seem to be going to hell in a handbasket, the wind is blowing, the rain is falling and the debris is crashing into you...and yet you stand there - looking - looking THROUGH the wind trying to see to the other side of the storm...because that is what you know is coming...the manifestation of your faith.

Restoration

======================
You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place

Stand, Rascal Flatts

Labels: lyrical gangsta, other people's words

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 1:32 PM 0 comments

Friday, February 02, 2007

Freeze Frame

Okay, let's pause from the bad drama and let me share some of the best kind of drama.

This is probably the most awesome how-I-met-my-husband stories ever, and it actually parallels The Husband and myself in a few places: mainly the explosive lightening bolt between us, what do we do with all this sudden emotion, and the secret wedding (drugs and immediate sex, not so much, but wow a great story).

OMGosh, I read this in the wee hours of the morning and just wanted to laugh, cry, and throw up all at once. I went to bed with some tears, happy memories, and hope.

Then I wake up to comments and emails flying all over Stepford. Never a dull moment.

I'm guilty as charged.

I have no excuses for the dig (a new step for me; no deflecting, it's my fault). My emotions hit "publish" ahead of my best judgment.

I apologize publicly to The Husband, who is also a great catch.

Labels: introspection, life in stepford, other people's words

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 7:31 PM 0 comments

Slaying Goliath

Yeah, I'll take a little of this, thanks.

David and Goliath

Look at your marriage problem as a Goliath in your life. Be like a David, you will defeat the enemy. Don't fear. Our Mighty Awesome God WILL, WILL, WILL, come through for you. No matter what the situation is, God will come through for you.

If it looks BAD, IMPOSSIBLE, UNFIXABLE, DISTASTEROUS, DEAD, these are things our God specializes in. Let it be bad, God can fix it. Let it seem like it is impossible, yes, He can fix it. Let it seem unfixable or disastrous, these too, He can fix. Friends, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, is hard for God. Believe this - NOTHING, NOTHING IS HARD FOR GOD. He will do it for you. Don't worry about it. Give it to Him.

Believe God can change it. All things work together for good. God can use bad things and turn it into good. Believe this.

Labels: other people's words

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 5:25 AM 0 comments

Sunday, January 28, 2007

I love introspective men

The following text is from one man to another, as they try to get under the surface and understand their wives. They could be describing me (or the pre-aware me), before I decided to face and figure it out. And also parts of The Husband, I think. A work in progress.

This sounds like my wife. Something in her past is driving her fears and her need to control everything. While she knows she has these fears, the counseling did help her to better see how they manifest in everyday life. She could not really see this before, and it is important, I think, that I bring this to her attention when she starts acting that way again.

If your wife is like mine (and I really think she is), then her whole life has been spent protecting herself from reliving some trauma she experienced as a child. So she has this tough shell around her that she KNOWS she perpetuates (she flat out admitted as much, didn't she?) She probably believes she is a good, generous, caring person and cannot understand how she could be seen as so mean by you or others (at least as she rationalizes it in her mind). She probably thinks she is just a victim of circumstance, doesn't understand why she is villanized, blah, blah, blah...

You, like me, have a certain amount of rescuing behavior, again probably from your FOO. Being the nice guy is really trying to be accepted and loved, not because you don't think your deserve it, but you know no other way to get it. Your wife needs a protector against her fears. You need to rise to that role, meaning she needs to see you as capable of confronting the dragons in her life. The problem I had with this idea is that when I would do so, it took control away from my wife and her anxiety would set in. So on one hand my wife wants me to take control to protect her, but she does not trust giving up that control to me (or anyone else) because it is just too scary. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. This where the counselor helped my wife to understand the catch 22 she put us both into.

Labels: introspection, other people's words

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 5:25 PM 0 comments

Adventures in Stepford

instepford (at) gmail.com

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"And now, with God's help, I shall become myself" - Soren Kierkegaard

I was damaged and hurt from the get-go. I buried it and lived on mind-numbing autopilot ... to the detriment of my life and marriage.

But everything looked good from the outside.

Welcome to Stepford.