There is this HUGE post in my Draft folder where I've just thrown things I have found. Like an enormous junk room in the corner of the house, I've tucked away lots of quotes and other people's stories.
So, I'm pulling them out of the corner one at a time, dusting them off and seeing what goes where on the display floor. These boxes have been accumulating in the room since 2006, so I have no idea of exact dates when found.
Here's a story from someone else's life that I kept here. Which, at the time I found it, certainly spoke to me.
Probably because I wanted somebody, anybody, to say this to The Husband and for him to Get It.
**Oh, and I realize that this may garner the same kind of dustup that Dealbreakers did two years ago, but you know? It is what it is. And I still feel the exact same way I did back then. About this topic in particular. So, shoot me.
"We went to our counselor and discussed this for the first time last Mon. Our counselor point blank told my husband that 'her needs are her needs and your job is to meet them. If you can't, then your job as a man is to admit this and let her go so she can be happy.'
I was surprised to hear him say this as my husband has had some health probs and surgery. I told him that I could wait 6 months to see an improvement, but needed to know our physical relationship is a priority. His response was 'Six months? That's too long to wait. Let's say three'. Then he asked my husband if he loved me, desired me and wanted to be married to me. Husband said yes and our counselor said 'then what's your plan for meeting her sexual needs on a regular basis? That's what it's going to take to keep her as your wife.'
I could tell that Husband was on the spot, but being told straight out that there's no excuse for not meeting your spouse's needs for intimacy and sex might work. Time will tell if it will work long term or not. We've been intimate every night since and Husband seems to have really enjoyed it.
Counselor also told him that I shouldn't have to mention it, ask for it, or remind him. That a good husband makes sure his wife is smiling if it's at all possible. I think there was something about another man telling him that he has a beautiful, intelligent wife that struck a nerve. He also told Husband that I'm asking for the bare minimum, nothing big, and that as a husband, he should be able to do the "easy stuff" to make me happy. He asked if performance is an issue and said if it is, there are things you can do. He told Husband to not wait until he feels like doing it.. to just DO IT and not think too much about it.
The only thing he told me is that I need to accept that my husband's needs are different than mine. He said that Husband has agreed to meet my needs for intimacy and sex and I can't now start criticising his efforts.. such as coming back saying that it's not passionate enough, or I feel like he's going through the motions, etc.
He said it's up to him to get it going and up to me to encourage the passion.
He's a behavioral therapist and doesn't spend a lot of time mulling over the past or why feelings are holding us back. For most things he recommends that we change our actions to what we need/want them to be, create new habits. If the feelings don't follow, then it's time to discover what's holding us back.
It's been wonderfully different from other counselor we've had. He encourages goal setting and action rather than analysis and what he calls 'excuse making that leads nowhere.'
So, telling Husband that he should meet my needs if he wants to keep this marriage allows him to decide what he wants. His actions will communicate his choice. It's fruitless to keep asking and get stuck when someone's actions show their decision.
He said this is when people get stuck because they keep trying and trying and getting the same answer (communicated by actions), yet they refuse to accept it. We get stuck and stop living because we want someone else to change, take responsiblity for our happiness, and blame them if they refuse.
Our sex should not be just going through the motions. It might be at first, but as the 'doing' generates feelings, we'll be more comfortable expressing our passion. We're fortunate in that when we do have sex, it's good and not just going through the motions. The prob with us is frequency. He questioned Husband quite a bit about his motivations for being married to me and his feelings for me.
He said that Husband's actions will tell the story over the next few months. The doing it will bring the answers. We'll either form a new habit of continued intimacy or discover that there's a roadblock. If there's a roadblock then the counselor will help us weed that out and deal with it.
He says that analyzing up front takes so much time and sometimes it really is just that people are stuck and thinking too much. Sometimes we discover through the doing that our fears and inhibitions were holding us back needlessly. We think we can't move beyond them, but when we try it's easier than we thought at first... by then we're enjoying the payoff and choose not to pick those fears and inhibitions back up.
