So. Here is the upshot of what happened on the Dealbreakers post. A comment that summarizes the basic flavor of my readers' side, and the reply from The Husband.
The Reader Comment:
Yes, so what are you going to do? How long before you realize he has completely checked out? Sure day-to-day activities you have covered. I have friends who are the big "D" and they are able to accomplish even that. The true test comes from the intimacy and you bet it is a two way street.
So how much of that two-way are you going to travel before you turn around and realize you have simply left each other behind in the dust? You have grown - he has not. You have matured - he has not. So he is so over come with guilt he cannot get through it? Come on! Has he really realized what devastation he has caused? Is he really sorry? Does he really want to invest any more in this relationship?
You say he is more the 'female' in the relationship and you more the male. I heard long ago when the woman knows the relationship is over they know for a long time but it takes time for the words to come out. Once she does - the deed is done. Men on the other hand can be swayed to stay and try to work it out - they are more impulsive. So which one is he and which one are you? Were you simply fooled into thinking it was really able to be salvaged? Was he really still gone all this time of you trying to work on it and just too chicken S*** to say the words?
I am not saying throw in the towel - I believe in marriage - but I also believe in being totally honest with my emotions and needs and expect my hub to be able to understand and reciprocate. If he cannot and chooses not to over time, even after I beg for it, then I know I can and will survive on my own - do not want to, but COULD.
--- Commercial break: My hub and I go through not going to bed at the same time thing too. Over time it does breakdown the intimacy we feel for each other. I mentioned to him that I do not like that we go to be seperately and where was he that night? In bed with me - where he should be - the rewards were mutual. ---
Marriage - true, marriage - is not selfish, it is a choice to love someone enough to give all you have. He should and must give you what you need - he has to CHOOSE to. You have chosen to do the same for him. How much longer are you going to give him to choose? That is the decision only you can make.
Take care, my prayers are with you and others who are currently making these kinds of choices.
The reply from The Husband (edited just a weensy-bit for clarity):
I would like to despute the response to this post that I have "checked out." Man, there are so many things going on here that you do not understand, and an uneducated statement like that does not take into account the past 10+ years of our marriage and how we have BOTH hurt and disappointed each other many times. It's really not just me, but we both take responsibility for this trainwreck.
It is so easy to point the finger at me, and I guess I understand that. But, unless you have been privy to everything that has transpired, then the comments about me are without full knowledge and, therefore, invalid.I also take issue with me not having grown in this situation. Again, I am an easy target, but to label me as someone who has not grown or improved since the AFFAIR is not accurate and not fair. You have no idea where I am coming from, and the trust I seek from my partner for my repeated (albeit lame) movements towards her do not register as even a blip on the radar. That trust is not there, and me moving towards her with baby steps have gone without support.
I am not all bad. I have serious luggage, and so does she. The bottom line is that I respect her, and that I would chose to remain in counseling to have a third party help us figure this whole thing out.
Things are not cut and dry, and I would never make judgements about anyone if I was not privy of their entire relationship from day one.
Please be careful in what you say.
And, responding to post 3, we BOTH deserve a good life, but God never promises that we will ever be able to attain that. Granted, I wish so much that things could be different, but I also believe in sticking it out and working through the problems, no matter how time-consumming and slow it may be.
Psalms talks about those who "Want, want, want" and emphasizes that we should instead "wait" on the Lord, for He will bring blessings to those who trust in Him and wait.I continue to wait, and I continue to trust in God.
Anyway, your words rang true in some ways. I have always been on the page that if your marriage is not working, then the default is to make it work, or at least tolerable, for the kids, and to stay together.
I will put aside all happiness (or unhappiness) in our marriage to stay together and give our kids a stable home. I respect my wife, and I would prefer to sit through hours and hours of counseling to try and make this all work.
Yes, I had the AFFAIR, and I was totally and completely wrong, no matter what a train-wreck we were before the AFFAIR happened. I am 100% responsible for my infidelity.
But, our issues existed pre-AFFAIR, and we are both having a hard time dealing with the underlinging issues that came before the issues that came before my sin.
