Can't remember the source of that movie quote, but my many thanks to your comments and emailed notes of encouragement; my readers are wonderful and I am always humbled by your insights - and the fact that you still check in when I haven't posted on a regular basis in probably a year.
I appreciate ya'll more than you know.
Thanks for sitting on the curb with me and watching things go by.
Ya'll. I have the bestest reader-peeps in the blogosphere. With permission, here is a thought-provoking and insightful comment on Agonizing posted by JP in Alabama. I didn't want it hidden in the comments forever, so here it is up front & personal as a constant reminder to me, and perhaps you too. I so appreciate my readers. You have no idea.
I have been thinking about you and your family since I found this blog at the end of November. And I posted at the beginning of December. Here are some more thoughts.
First, I *do* think you both should stay in the home and in the marriage. While an oath is something made with God as witness, a vow -- such as a marriage vow -- is a promise TO God. You and your husband entered into a covenant with God as the third party, and that is not something to be taken lightly. You vowed "As long as we both shall live," not, "As long as we both feel happy about it."
Second, I think your husband has been praying for the wrong thing for a long time. Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands love your wives." It does NOT say, "Husbands *feel* love for your wives." What is the difference? Well, we live in a culture that teaches us that love is random and magic -- just like the world & the universe & evolution (but, hey, at least that is a consistent worldview.) Love just "happens" -- it comes from nowhere & descends on you, and it leaves just as quickly. Reference all the Hollywood types leaving spouses for someone else -- "We didn't mean to fall in love on the set, it just happened. We never wanted to hurt anyone."
BUT if we believe what God tells us in the Bible, we know that *isn't* how God operates. He loves us when we don't deserve it -- consistently and forever. He may be angry and disgusted by sin (the Isrealites in the desert?) but He has promised to never forsake us. I fully believe what my campus minister told me & my husband in pre-marital counseling -- love is *not* just a feeling -- love is a choice and a decision -- and it's one you have to make every day. Ephesians 5:25 is a command -- "Husbands love your wives." Act lovingly towards your wife, demonstrate love -- care for her as Christ cared for the church. God is not telling you how to feel, he is telling you how to ACT.
Your husband needs to pray for God to give him strength to love you and care for you -- not just "feel" loving. Often, when you are faithful in the actions, the feelings follow -- the actions create the feelings, not the other way around.Third, all of our marriages *do* glorify God -- the Bible says they are a picture of Christ's love for the church -- and that still doesn't mean they will all be happy. God is making us holy -- and we will struggle in and out of our marriages until Christ comes again. But look again at Christ and the church -- we were guilty, dead in our trespasses and sins -- and Christ *died* for us. He willingly suffered the humiliation of death on the cross for people who did *not* deserve redemption. I think your marriage right now is a reflection of the suffering -- but it *is* a picture of redeption, as well. You are both still there -- it is an act of love that your husband is there because it is the right thing -- even if you think you don't deserve it because of your attitude & self-protection. And it is an act of love that you are still there fighting despite betrayal and the affair.
Next, (I lost track of my numbers) a year, two, five -- these are short amounts of time in light of eternity. It may take a long time for you to work though the yuck -- but that is the blink of an eye to God. And THAT is why the vow and the little piece of paper are important. All marriages go through highs & lows -- but if divorce just isn't an option no matter what, you have lots of incentive to work through whatever happens -- and the comfort of knowing your spouse has the same incentive. And with faith, I believe God will bring you through the valley -- even if you can't see any possible path right now -- and I belive you will stand on the mountain with your husband one day and say, "Wow."
I spent December reflecting on a comment you made in an earlier post. We are to praise God IN all things, not FOR all things. You do not ever have to get to a point where you are thankful for this period in your marriage -- but God is still good.I will continue to pray for you.
So. Here is the upshot of what happened on the Dealbreakers post. A comment that summarizes the basic flavor of my readers' side, and the reply from The Husband.
The Reader Comment:
Yes, so what are you going to do? How long before you realize he has completely checked out? Sure day-to-day activities you have covered. I have friends who are the big "D" and they are able to accomplish even that. The true test comes from the intimacy and you bet it is a two way street.
So how much of that two-way are you going to travel before you turn around and realize you have simply left each other behind in the dust? You have grown - he has not. You have matured - he has not. So he is so over come with guilt he cannot get through it? Come on! Has he really realized what devastation he has caused? Is he really sorry? Does he really want to invest any more in this relationship?
You say he is more the 'female' in the relationship and you more the male. I heard long ago when the woman knows the relationship is over they know for a long time but it takes time for the words to come out. Once she does - the deed is done. Men on the other hand can be swayed to stay and try to work it out - they are more impulsive. So which one is he and which one are you? Were you simply fooled into thinking it was really able to be salvaged? Was he really still gone all this time of you trying to work on it and just too chicken S*** to say the words?
I am not saying throw in the towel - I believe in marriage - but I also believe in being totally honest with my emotions and needs and expect my hub to be able to understand and reciprocate. If he cannot and chooses not to over time, even after I beg for it, then I know I can and will survive on my own - do not want to, but COULD.
--- Commercial break: My hub and I go through not going to bed at the same time thing too. Over time it does breakdown the intimacy we feel for each other. I mentioned to him that I do not like that we go to be seperately and where was he that night? In bed with me - where he should be - the rewards were mutual. ---
Marriage - true, marriage - is not selfish, it is a choice to love someone enough to give all you have. He should and must give you what you need - he has to CHOOSE to. You have chosen to do the same for him. How much longer are you going to give him to choose? That is the decision only you can make.
Take care, my prayers are with you and others who are currently making these kinds of choices.
The reply from The Husband (edited just a weensy-bit for clarity):
I would like to despute the response to this post that I have "checked out." Man, there are so many things going on here that you do not understand, and an uneducated statement like that does not take into account the past 10+ years of our marriage and how we have BOTH hurt and disappointed each other many times. It's really not just me, but we both take responsibility for this trainwreck.
It is so easy to point the finger at me, and I guess I understand that. But, unless you have been privy to everything that has transpired, then the comments about me are without full knowledge and, therefore, invalid.I also take issue with me not having grown in this situation. Again, I am an easy target, but to label me as someone who has not grown or improved since the AFFAIR is not accurate and not fair. You have no idea where I am coming from, and the trust I seek from my partner for my repeated (albeit lame) movements towards her do not register as even a blip on the radar. That trust is not there, and me moving towards her with baby steps have gone without support.
I am not all bad. I have serious luggage, and so does she. The bottom line is that I respect her, and that I would chose to remain in counseling to have a third party help us figure this whole thing out.
Things are not cut and dry, and I would never make judgements about anyone if I was not privy of their entire relationship from day one.
Please be careful in what you say.
And, responding to post 3, we BOTH deserve a good life, but God never promises that we will ever be able to attain that. Granted, I wish so much that things could be different, but I also believe in sticking it out and working through the problems, no matter how time-consumming and slow it may be.
Psalms talks about those who "Want, want, want" and emphasizes that we should instead "wait" on the Lord, for He will bring blessings to those who trust in Him and wait.I continue to wait, and I continue to trust in God.
Anyway, your words rang true in some ways. I have always been on the page that if your marriage is not working, then the default is to make it work, or at least tolerable, for the kids, and to stay together.
I will put aside all happiness (or unhappiness) in our marriage to stay together and give our kids a stable home. I respect my wife, and I would prefer to sit through hours and hours of counseling to try and make this all work.
Yes, I had the AFFAIR, and I was totally and completely wrong, no matter what a train-wreck we were before the AFFAIR happened. I am 100% responsible for my infidelity.
But, our issues existed pre-AFFAIR, and we are both having a hard time dealing with the underlinging issues that came before the issues that came before my sin.
