Ya'll. I have the bestest reader-peeps in the blogosphere. With permission, here is a thought-provoking and insightful comment on Agonizing posted by JP in Alabama. I didn't want it hidden in the comments forever, so here it is up front & personal as a constant reminder to me, and perhaps you too. I so appreciate my readers. You have no idea.
I have been thinking about you and your family since I found this blog at the end of November. And I posted at the beginning of December. Here are some more thoughts.
First, I *do* think you both should stay in the home and in the marriage. While an oath is something made with God as witness, a vow -- such as a marriage vow -- is a promise TO God. You and your husband entered into a covenant with God as the third party, and that is not something to be taken lightly. You vowed "As long as we both shall live," not, "As long as we both feel happy about it."
Second, I think your husband has been praying for the wrong thing for a long time. Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands love your wives." It does NOT say, "Husbands *feel* love for your wives." What is the difference? Well, we live in a culture that teaches us that love is random and magic -- just like the world & the universe & evolution (but, hey, at least that is a consistent worldview.) Love just "happens" -- it comes from nowhere & descends on you, and it leaves just as quickly. Reference all the Hollywood types leaving spouses for someone else -- "We didn't mean to fall in love on the set, it just happened. We never wanted to hurt anyone."
BUT if we believe what God tells us in the Bible, we know that *isn't* how God operates. He loves us when we don't deserve it -- consistently and forever. He may be angry and disgusted by sin (the Isrealites in the desert?) but He has promised to never forsake us. I fully believe what my campus minister told me & my husband in pre-marital counseling -- love is *not* just a feeling -- love is a choice and a decision -- and it's one you have to make every day. Ephesians 5:25 is a command -- "Husbands love your wives." Act lovingly towards your wife, demonstrate love -- care for her as Christ cared for the church. God is not telling you how to feel, he is telling you how to ACT.
Your husband needs to pray for God to give him strength to love you and care for you -- not just "feel" loving. Often, when you are faithful in the actions, the feelings follow -- the actions create the feelings, not the other way around.Third, all of our marriages *do* glorify God -- the Bible says they are a picture of Christ's love for the church -- and that still doesn't mean they will all be happy. God is making us holy -- and we will struggle in and out of our marriages until Christ comes again. But look again at Christ and the church -- we were guilty, dead in our trespasses and sins -- and Christ *died* for us. He willingly suffered the humiliation of death on the cross for people who did *not* deserve redemption. I think your marriage right now is a reflection of the suffering -- but it *is* a picture of redeption, as well. You are both still there -- it is an act of love that your husband is there because it is the right thing -- even if you think you don't deserve it because of your attitude & self-protection. And it is an act of love that you are still there fighting despite betrayal and the affair.
Next, (I lost track of my numbers) a year, two, five -- these are short amounts of time in light of eternity. It may take a long time for you to work though the yuck -- but that is the blink of an eye to God. And THAT is why the vow and the little piece of paper are important. All marriages go through highs & lows -- but if divorce just isn't an option no matter what, you have lots of incentive to work through whatever happens -- and the comfort of knowing your spouse has the same incentive. And with faith, I believe God will bring you through the valley -- even if you can't see any possible path right now -- and I belive you will stand on the mountain with your husband one day and say, "Wow."
I spent December reflecting on a comment you made in an earlier post. We are to praise God IN all things, not FOR all things. You do not ever have to get to a point where you are thankful for this period in your marriage -- but God is still good.I will continue to pray for you.
