Our holiday was quite bad, and once again I slipped and fell (hard, and in front of his family) in my efforts to not be a complete a$$. A little back info: two Saturdays ago, my MIL confronted me at the end of a daylong visit re: my wanting to leave the marriage. She hit a few hot buttons, for example: that what I thinking of doing was as bad, if not worse, than what The Husband had done. I was so shocked by this one statement that I was agog for the rest of the time she spoke. And of course she touched on what a divorce would do to the children (the whole argument we all gave The Husband when it was his turn to want out last year). Anyway, the inlaws left shortly thereafter and went home, and this no doubt contributed to triggering my inner Butthead for the next two days, although it is ultimately my responsibility for how I act. I spewed forth upon my spouse, myself, and my God, culminating in the horror show that was the i-can-see-the-end of the marriage last week, when I posted for prayer and ya'll were so gracious to offer it.
So. Forward to Thanksgiving. I had previously said I would not be coming to the inlaws, but acquiesced to The Husband's gracious request for me to join he and the children there. He also requested that I speak to his mother about what she'd said to me. I agreed, and thought it all completely reasonable.
Then we arrived ... I had been irritable on the drive down (and earlier that a.m.) getting more uncomfortable at the whole thought of whatthehellamigoingtodo, howcanihandlethis...So we arrive and I go into 'hide' mode, and basically don't speak to his parents for about oh, hours. Just avoid them, read a magazine, worry with the children's whereabouts, etc. My invisible force field of "Protect Thyself" went up (insert sci-fi sound effect here), and basically I looked like a complete b!tch, even though it was discomfort that motivated me (or should I say un-motivated me to act correctly). The Husband told me later that my behavior completely embarrassed him. To add insult to injury, we forgot my nice holiday clothes so I am in my travel wear for dinner, and feel like a complete and total Loser. And The Husband has to persuade me to go to dinner, as I am all to pieces about the no-decent-clothes incident, on top of the whole day. The Lord continues to strip away any residual layers of pride.
I did go to my MIL before dinner (way too late for decency, timeframe-wise) and tell her that I was sorry but what she had said hurt my feelings, and she had no idea what this year had been like, or what we were going through, to pass judgment, that there is a reason the Bible allows for divorce in the case of adultery, and she was speaking from a place of ignorance. She did say that she had not meant to imply anything about my character, but then went on to basically repeat most of what she'd said the week prior, and I just nodded my head, because whatthehell, I'd already been an a$$ all day.
So the entire 24 hours there were a nightmare as far as my behavior and basic irritability. Then we come home and the previously quiet-at-the-time Husband rips into me (rightfully so) about my behavior, I get defensive, and we are once again at Square Zero because he sees no change in my heart about being an irritable, blame-deflecting-at-all-costs b!tch. So. We are now, once again, to re-evaluate this marriage, and my emotional attitude in it, after the holidays (which, incidentally, is one year since this whole affair exploded into our lives). And OMGosh, suddenly the holidays are actually upon us, and I feel numb (Christmas is in four weeks? really?) and it's moving so fast. In my very deepest heart I don't want this marriage to end, even though I rolled the words around on my tongue and put it out there. Only God can change our hearts now, as well as our behavior. The Husband is thoughtful, civil, pleasant, and polite, and I appreciate him for that. I have finally come to see piecing-the-marriage-together-after-a-crisis for the Marathon that it truly is (ironically, perhaps too late). I no longer feel the compunction to be jumping up and down like a petulant toddler demanding my needs be met. I don't expect anything for quite some time, as I've pushed this man to his limits and I honestly wonder if he has any warm feelings left for me deep down. Let me just reiterate that I DO NOT blame him for that. Ya'll haven't been here to see the ugliness I can throw. It's been going on for years. It came from my FOO (family of origin) and I brought it with me here. Again, we both have baggage. Mine was downright mean, and tenacious in its hold over me.
I'm just hanging on to God's promises right now, because my own efforts have proved extremely hazardous to my world. Making decisions and acting based solely on my FEELINGS has been my downfall. Please learn from my mistakes; it's impulsive and exhausting, and one of the main reasons I am staring the end of my marriage full in the face. If I could turn back time to mid-May (or hell, years earlier, since we're wishing), and stop the slippery slope of demands, expectations, entitlements, and beating-the-emotional-sh!t-out-of-my-husband that I have done, we might be in a much better place right now. I can't believe it's been a year. The adultery ripped The Husband's world apart too, and he needed a Team Member after the initial damage was done and the affair ended. I was never consistent in being that partner for him. Yes, I was hurt beyond description but he was, too, in his way. We needed each other, and I dropped the ball.
But here's the weird blessing in it all: I have been (tentatively) released from a real emotional prison I've carried with me for years. It's very difficult to explain but since, oh, forever, I've been a dance-fast-enough-so-they-won't-see-the-real-me kind of gal. Worked well for the outside world but not at all with my husband. Because meanwhile, I'm pushing down some big ball of tension/pain/ick in the background. The big ball was the size of a classroom globe that I was holding down with both hands, while trying to simultaneously ignore it. May not make sense to you, but that's my most accurate way to describe it. That definition came from a therapist we had about 6+ years ago. true, that. So we pointed a spotlight at the big Ball O' Crap I was pushing down, and yet I had no idea what it WAS, had denied its existence - but it was exposed. Sometimes it shrunk, sometimes not, but everpresent. And here I was, pushing it out of the way, staying busy, and not looking at it.
Then my life comes apart, a lot of it my fault on the way there, but The Husband is unfaithful and turns his back on the marriage for a time. For whatever reason, this brutally exposes my insides. I am ripped inside out in a way that is completely un-knowable to those who have not been there. But that first explosion rips the globe from my hands because there is finally something else critical enough for me to drop it and run toward. I actually didn't even notice it was gone for a few months, I was so caught up in the pressing issues, my self-exposure, OMG what have I done to this man, looking at my faults in the marriage and owning many of them for the first time.
But then forward movement (no matter how snail-paced) grinds to a halt, most of it due to my impatience and myopic point of view. And I stop 'evolving' - I get back on the Blame and Avoidance wagon. Yeah, I might have done that, BUT LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME. By constantly pointing away from my oh-so-real faults and at the high-profile affair, I could be the martyr in this marriage and not have to change. Oh, pity me, do what I want. Anyway, months later I sort of notice that I'm not holding this globe/pit of tension down with all my strength BUT that there is a fist-sized ball of tension settled in my chest. One I work to ignore, as per usual, but is very much there all the time. And I make my merry efforts to dance around it, resume my selfish demands of The Husband, and be quick to point out all that he is NOT doing, all the ways I am NOT happy, and generally being my own speedbump (again) on the road to a real relationship.
Then two more explosions rock my world. One that I alluded to when I asked for your prayers last weekend, and this stupid Thanksgiving holiday where I am a jacka$$ with almost complete disregard for anyone else's feelings. And somewhere in the middle of all of that, my fist-sized knot has disappeared. I can't even conjure it up (and yes, I am just that stupid to have tried to give myself the anxious thoughts that produce it, just to see where it is, if it's going to return).
So my first-draft Theory of WhatTheHellWasIt will no doubt sound dumb. And I really don't care because people, this sh!t has been plaguing me since I was a teenager. I'm trying to work it all out 20+ years later, so cut me some slack: I think that ball was fear. Useless, not-really-substantiated, more-powerful-than-it-sounds fear. I expect to refine this conclusion as I mull it over, but it was the fear that Who I Really Am is NOT Worth Knowing, Loving, or Exploring Deeply. So I think I danced around that fear, acted like I didn't have it, and presented something only Partly Me to the world. And also to my husband. But the Lord gifted him with SUCH discernment about me, that my sh!t didn't fly with The Husband for long. Fortunately, thankfully, he still loved me while interacting with the dancing, deflecting, defensive weirdness that was my former self. Until he didn't. And finally, finally, I appreciate all he has tolerated and had hoped to pierce through -even if it is too late for him to ever feel love for me again. I appreciate his prior feelings and his prior efforts, even if he cannot muster another go at it now. I will 21-gun salute him always for how he tried when I didn't try, and how he saw truth when I didn't see it.
There is a girl inside me that is real, a girl I really like, who -when I daydream about my life-I see as myself. I haven't been able to get her from the inside of me to the outside world. Part of what hurt me so much about the infidelity, is that I know in my heart that the good things he saw in she-who-shall-not-be-named that appealed to him, and what he felt for her, I HAD IT IN ME TO BE -had I been able to jump the emotional hurdle and get the Best Me out of my head and into my marriage. But the fear had been in the way. Or something. It may still be, I don't pretend to know all that yet.
I am just having some real conversations with myself, and trying to find Truth -not just my fcuked up interpretation of Truth as I've tried to mold it. To quit trying to squeeze The Husband like a roll of Charmin to get what I want from him, while I stubbornly held out and wouldn't give him what he wanted. I'm just (somehow, bizarrely) content to rest in the promises of God, since I am crap on my own strength. The fact that I turned my back on Him in anger, frustration, and selfishness, and yet He still scooped me up when I called to Him in desperation is very humbling. He comforts me. He calms me. He is right beside me. No matter what happens. Regardless of what I've done, what I may still do, or how I seem to try to, I cannot turn Him away from me. He still reaches for me, even when I've pushed all mortals away.
The thought continues to bring me to tears, because it astounds me. It is so NOT what I've known. Because, by gum, when I get it in my sick mind to push you away, trust me, you will eventually go. Ask The Husband. But not The Lord. I cannot verbalize how I want to curl up in a ball and thank Him for that.
The one thing I AM trying to do is exactly the OPPOSITE of my immediate reaction to things. If I feel compelled to say something, I shut up. If I don't want to do or say something, I do or say it. And oddly enough, there's a real peace in that because I'm not relying on my motivations about it. But unlike before, I am NOT doing anything with a Look-At-Me-And-Give-Me-Brownie-Points kind of expectation. I am waaaaay in the red on brownie points, and I have no false illusions that any efforts would even REGISTER on The Husband's radar for some time. And rightfully so.
I just want to be consistent, and not crazy-making. And that's going to take MUCH TIME to erase my actions of the last year(s). Yes, we both have blame in how we've been married to each other. This is mine.I am praying for these feelings to stick, this self-awareness to be real, for the ability to be consistent, accept responsibility for my wrongs, to be capable of stepping on my inner Drama Queen should she raise her head. And to find that great person I know is inside and bring her out here. I know The Husband would enjoy her, and he deserves that chance to. I pray it's God's will for us to walk boldly toward each other across our Ground Zero rubble and make a new foundation to build upon. But, again, it doesn't look good for our team.
The Lord doesn't fiddle around when he moves in a heart; He was quick and decisive each time He changed something within me. I am broken, but oddly steadfast. I know actions have consequences and, should this marriage be over, at least half of that is my fault by my actions. I thank God He forgives me and knows the end of the story. I hope it is the outcome that gives Him the most glory and is a testimony to the miracles He can do when we let Him. Let us pray.
