"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
I did not think that any December could possibly be worse than 2005, the affair month. But I was wrong. I am living through the worst time in my entire life, hands down, this month. Never more rejected, alone, scared. With no resources or recourse. Can't change or fix any of it. Alternate between crying in bed with crying on the sofa, just to change the view. Who knew a human could produce so many tears?
And ironically I was finally believing in a happy ending, or at least a purpose to all the past suffering, as recently as a few months ago. So much for that. And now it's just painful, knowing what Happy looked like. Why even glimpse it, if you can never have it? That's downright mean and makes life torment.
Yeah, I'm talking to God. As always, he's not making sense or answering prayers. This whole fcuking blog is a timeline of how-god-does-not-listen-to-me-or-give-me-the-desires-of-my-heart. I will acknowledge he keeps my children relatively healthy, and I am quick to thank him for that almost every day.
My faith is crap, but I keep talking and crying and begging and shaking my fist at him. Have never been more ready for my life to be over with, and it's not, but I cannot function in it.
And to add to the joy of the season, I just totaled another car this week, but this time there is no family to help me with a replacement.
