I recently emailed a friend who only knows me through my desperate years as a regular on an online marriage message board & through this blog. I figured I will post the contents here. I need to probably come back & start working through my sh!t again, because emotional breakdown conditions are ideal. Forgive any errors because I'm posting from my phone - not the best for proofreading. Anyway, HI! How are y'all? Here's what I sent, with some minor editing:
I keep meaning to blog again, but I'm so far behind that when I think of all I would have to do to catch it up I get overwhelmed. I think it was Dec 09 when I blogged last. And that was short and cryptic. Plus I work long hours, but still. I want to blog, probably need to, especially recently. It was helpful to process things, but also a huge time suck. And somewhat narcissistic ~ but I guess all blogs are.
No. I am not remarried. I cannot imagine that ever happening again, although the craving for security and the fear of being completely alone in a nursing home bed waiting to be bathed for days may propel me out the door at some point
I am still not the primary physical custodian of my kids, the every other weekend parent who's paying child support. Sucks, but kids are miraculously well adjusted and superstars in the private school my ex-inlaws pay for, and have routine and consistency in their daily lives and that's the most important thing. And no longer witness marathon fighting of their parents behind closed doors while they are left at the dinner table for eons. I moved 40 minutes closer to them (used to be 2 hours away, now about 1.20) and into a much larger city which the kids love. I work hours that no daycare/sitter can cover, am an only child and have no living family to help. I think I could do it, but now that they have been living with him in this was-supposed-to-be temporary arrangement, their routine has been established and it would be difficult to Kramer v Kramer the situation. As a former stay-at-home mom, this loss has been the greatest cross to bear. My mothering instinct has been questioned by some, and on the other end of the spectrum I am considered some supreme sacrificer in the best interest of the kids. The truth lies somewhere in the middle I'm sure.
SO. My love life is in ruins but that's another story which I need to write about but don't want to get beat up by the reading audience, ha. But long story short, I just spent 2 years of my life (post-separation) having the best love affair I will ever know. But it's over and I am fighting to just be grateful it happened at all, since a few short years ago I was in a sexless dead marriage with a man who didn't even LIKE me. I remember thinking life was over as far as pleasure and joy were concerned. Nice to have had that proven wrong, even if temporarily. And then here was this man from my past who completely adored me across the board. What a gift. Such a long story but omg the most fun I have ever had. Seriously
