Adventures in Stepford: A Rapid Succession of Continual Days

Adventures in Stepford

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

A Rapid Succession of Continual Days

The Husband said something in recent weeks that makes sense: (a) he has no one to talk to, which is very very true. There is nobody. And (b) for the last two years, people have only wanted to talk about his Marriage, not his Hurt.

I am ALL ABOUT talking about my marriage - it's the most important thing to me. But it's not the most important thing to him, to be honest. He lost his whole Life, his Purpose, his Friends, his Reputation, his (perceived?) ability to Provide and Protect, and Nobody has come alongside him in Stepford to walk this long road.

He is coming undone, off and on, after years of the same. He has nothing to give to anyone (except to the kids), and feels like he's losing his mind and his faith, along with his life. It's the Loss trifecta.

Yes, sure, I selfishly think it's been cruel and sinful - the physical/emotional freezing out of me by him, pre- and post-affair, I am ready to come undone over that point alone. But this post isn't about me today. (shocker, I know) And as I've spelled out before, ad nauseum: he has his reasons. I've been an abusive spouse. But the affair (his part, my part, the aftermath) complicates the 'black & white' of it all.

The Husband has often thought that God must be waiting for him to get something, or solve some spiritual Rubik's Cube - that he simply does not have the strength to do, and cannot understand - before God will move/encourage him/change his circumstances.

And, honestly, between you and me, and at the risk of sounding like the Total Fcuking Center of the Universe: I do sometimes wonder if the lack of effort/focus toward the Wife and Marriage Relationship plays any part of his lack of Restoration in other areas. Is it 1Peter that says something about how you treat your wife affecting your prayer life? Plus the whole your-body-is-not-your-own stuff, etc. from Corinthians.

BUT.

BUT: I realize that I may likely be extrapolating out of my self-centeredness here. That's just me me me, want want want, take take take- which is how The Husband views me, and has said so. And at this desperate point for me, is certainly the case.

BUT.

He has no one to talk to, and that still remains true. And moreso now, two years later. No friends, no phone calls, silence. He falls frequently into a pit that gets deeper with no one offering a hand that doesn't point back to me, what he did, and Fixing the Marriage above all else. No one else is in this house to see him slowly dying from the hurt. Losing his mind from the stress. Falling down in his continued, never-ending pain. A succession of days go by with no change. Day after day after day. He is coming apart with nowhere to put it. He can't sleep. He has mysterious aches and pains. He keeps a headcold/sinus infection that flares about once a month. This from the Artist Formerly Known as the Picture of Health.

We both have our Falling Down days, and then somehow live to crawl the next inch.

He was reading a book a few months ago, Rebuilding Your Broken World, that made this point: that if the church/community doesn't offer grace, restoration cannot occur. I understand that, but don't believe the church/community is bigger than God, who can do anything no matter what the world does.

And although He's not come through yet, I still hold up my tee-tiny Bic lighter in this darkened concert venue in my -albeit faltering- hope that God, the Ultimate Rockstar Savior, will come back for an encore performance. But my husband holds onto this book's point as The Reason (or one of them) that his World Will Not Be Restored.

He's in no shape for marriage counseling (as so many people continue to recommend), or any form of 'counseling' - he is SO alone, and feels God is punishing/ignoring him. He is in his own cocoon of self-loathing and hopelessness - I swear I don't think anybody GETS that. And in order to have someone talk to him, he has to pay them (when we've counseled). And even those people quickly focus on Fixing the Marriage, and don't give any value to his pain and the Loss of Who He Was; only What He Did.

Which compounds his hurt and only continues the path of Aloneness.

So. I am desperate for The Husband to have someone to talk to, before I come home to find him dead from a stroke or heart attack, or worse.

He is a good person. I believe in him - even while I have emotionally beaten the sh!t out of him for far too long, and continue to when I feel threatened. Damn me. He has talents and gifts being wasted and unused. I believe God has a purpose for him that it's not time for yet, for whatever frustrating/heartbreaking reason. He has lost faith in his future, and he has NOTHING coming in.

No one feeding him hope. I try to encourage him and tell him what I see, but obviously, I am so enmeshed in this situation from my own stuff, sins, wants, and the complexities of our situation - that it's laughable to think I could possibly be effective at this point.

And so I continue to pray for him, for me, for us, and struggle with my own faith issues because of the lack of God-Saving-the-Day here.

He needs a friend. Just one. Just someone to listen to him and validate him. And hold his arms up in this battle (what Bible story was that? I can't remember). Would he even be able to see that person reach out -and reach back - at this point, this late in the Disillusioned and Mistrustful game?

More on my crap later, of which there is always much.

Labels: life in stepford, relational

posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 5:46 PM

5 Comments:

At 1:41 AM, tiger lamb girl said…

Could it be that God wants him to rely soley on Him and no one else?

I know for me, that I kinda had to be brought to me knees in the depths of loneliness and despair before I fully yielded my will to His. Excruciatingly painful process. But I can look back now and see how it had to happen or I wouldn't have really ever totally given up trying to control everything. I can be so pig headed despite my paltry efforts not to be so. I had to pray for the strength, desire and will to yield to Him.

It's a daily battle for me. But blessings abound.

I pray he doesn't lose Hope. That would be playing straight into the hands of the destructive one.
At 4:58 PM, Kellie said…

He has to get over himself and over the ultimate incident that lead to his life falling apart.

As i'm sure has been pointed out many many times, it takes two to mess up a marriage. He had a part in it and so did you.

His life could be worse. He could be starving in the throws of Africa with no belief in God to fall back on (you know, that little village who has no knowledge of Christ? The one our pastor said everyone mentions when they are first seeking out Christianity).

Have you guys considered moving out of Stepford and to a new place where the two of you can truly start over fresh with one another, in the community and as a family? In my humble opinion, I think that a big part of the problem (and i'm assuming that Stepford is small...) is that he feels he has a whole community to face for his actions. Even though, he should understand that he only has God to face and you. No one else should matter at this point (other than his children of course).

I can only imagine how hard it must be for him to have to face certain people day in and day out. I think to a certain extent he must feel like a failure because people don't react to him in the way they used to.

Silence is the worst possible thing at this point. He needs to talk to you, open up to you and make you the person he most depends on. That's what marriage is. Depending on one another when you can't depend on the outside world.

I have never believed that God is obvious in signs that he is listening. I have always believed that he gives us the signs we so crave only when we are truly submissive to him.

Many continued ((((HUGS))) and prayers. I know that somewhere a light will go on inside of your husband and things will change for the better.
At 9:42 AM, tiger lamb girl said…

You know? I was thinking about you two the other night. And I was praying for you. I was also reading my bible. And I believe the Holy Spirit pressed this onto my heart to share with your husband.

God commands us to believe that Jesus is His son. He commands us to love Him with all our hearts, minds and soul. He commands us to repent and sin no more. He wants us to rely on Him, soley. He wants us to do His will. Yield to Him.

He also lays out how we're to treat our marriage partners.

You two are as one. You became this way when you entered into your marriage.

Dear Husband, you must love your wife. It's not about what you FEEL. It's about what you are supposed to DO. Love your wife.

Obey God's word and He will restore the affection and tenderness between you and your wife. In other words, DO what you're supposed to do, which is yielding to God's will. And then God will bless you with restoration and healing (heal the brokenness - restoring the tenderness and affection).

Rest in Him. It's the most peaceful and joyous place in existence.

God bless you both!! xo
At 5:08 AM, Sensuous Wife said…

AIS, you know I love ya. And you know I love your husband in an appropriate sibling kinda way else I wouldn't have written Job's Friends Take a Lesson.

So I'm reading this post. And here is what rises out of my heart as I read.
Your man needs two things: prozac and a friend. I pray he receives both posthaste. When you put a human being in a dark cell, they run out of vitamin D. when you put a human being in intense suffering with no relief over an extended period of time, they run out of serotonin. it's just biology. are there other things that would help him later? sure! But first we need to get him emotionally out of a fetal position. The reduced immune system, the body aches, the flat affect, these are classic signs of depression, girlfriend. Not blues. Not loads of appropriate sadness. Real McCoy depression. I don't believe antidepressants are a substitute to walking your own healing journey. I believe they are the defibrillator that allows you to get up and walk the path of your own healing journey.

And a friend. Good Lord! Have I learned a thing or two about the healing oxygen of friendship in the last year or so. It's huge! I can't believe I got by as well as I did before those oxygen-giving friendships came into my life. I don't see how I made it.

Dear Her Husband,
Please read this and hear the love and sincerity in my voice as a hug from Himself.

http://sensuouswife.blogspot.com/2007
/08/i-am-filled-with-comfort.html

http://sensuouswife.blogspot.com/2008/
01/intentional-community-uninhibited-joy.html

Two years ago, I went through spiritual and emotional solitary confinement. And God gave me mercy. And God gave me friends after I lost mine. I will pray the same mercy and gift of friendship over you. And seriously, Sir, get yourself some Prozac. Or whatever Serotonin or Dopamine-bearing medication your trusted doctor prescribes. You've been through Hell and then Extended Stay in Solitary Confinement. You need a little debrillator action. S' okay. Really.
Oh. One more thing. Spend a buck on iTunes and get yourself a copy of Robbie Seay Band's song Jesus Garden of my Rest. Marinate your heart in it. Let that song be the hammock your fling your weary bones in to rest a while. Like at least 4 times in one sitting. It's a balm for the soul, I'm telling ya.

With love on loan from Himself,
SensuousWife
At 8:26 PM, MarkRogersPhD said…

What SensuousWife said, I second.

Really.

Not that healing the body/brain will cure the mind/spirit, but the mind/spirit certainly can't move into the higher realms of conscious awareness and enlightenment while starved for oxygen, water, glucose, or neurotransmitters. Very basic bio-health care, although the symptoms can show up as existential abyss-dwelling, dark-night-of-the-soul. Still, medication for depression is as sensible as diabetics needing insulin and hypertensives needing beta-blockers.

And I have a sneaking suspicion that grace is available for individuals AND marriage, both at pretty much nearly the same time. Not one or the other, and not one first THEN the other. Because you can't really separate them all that easily each from each. Maybe that's part of why things seem to be taking long, because all the parties (H, wife, marriage, and church/community-friends/family) all need some ... synchronized healing?

That 'holding up the arms' image comes from Exodus 17; Joshua fought against the Amalekites, while Moses held up his arms, supported by Aaron and Hur. Victory by obedient collaboration. Might be relevant to the synchronized swimming analogy.