| Thursday, December 13, 2007 |
| Behind the Facade |
As ya'll may have noticed, I'm not posting every day - or even close to it - like I was when I first started this blog. Sometimes, I wonder if it's been toxic to my Real Life to overthink all this garbage. (Although over-thinking is certainly not limited to my writing here, nosiree! I analyze my existence like a 3rd party narrator in my brain all the freaking TIME!). I've only recently made some effort to stop the Narrator/Analyzer in my head at times. Long road, that. It's hardwired in me. Like my own version of The Truman Show, starring Moi.
From some of the comments/concern expressed (and thanks for them), I also wanted to clarify that this blog is a dumping ground of my inner black rot, and reading this blog only and not knowing the rest of me (which is 99.8% of ya'll I imagine), would give the impression that I should be placed in a facility to prevent harm to myself and others. Or to just be slapped around and told to Quit The Whining, For Pete's Sake. I can see that.
If you saw the other 95% of me in a casual setting, or at work, or as my friend, you would probably be stunned to realize the extent of inner sludge I dump here as part of the girl you have known. Not that everything is entirely separated, but you realize my point, yes? OMGosh, at work the other day we were talking about a former coworker who was really negative in general, and I mentioned how hard it is for me to be around that kind of person [because: I am a sponge, absorbing the emotions of others] and someone said, "That's because you are such a happy, upbeat person" and I laughed the laugh of the embittered soul and said, "That is such a crock of sh!t"
So I wanted to at least pop in and say hello.
Life in Stepford is a freefall right now, and I'm trying to not fight it. To just fall, feel the scary stuff, and trust that God will catch me before I Splat. That sh!t is HARD, ya'll. I am the first to admit I do not do this well, or consistently. I default to 'it's going to be all right' happy-ending scenarios in my head, just to calm my inner panic when things are scary. I even dream life as I wish it to be, and wake up absorbing that faux 'Life's Okay' into my psyche. And you know, sometimes it's not going to be all right (in the short term), and I have to quit fooling myself in order to gain some false sense of control of the situation. I fake myself out, I've realized, so I don't have a complete panic attack and sit in a corner eating my hair.
At this rate, I'll have my life together by the fourth of Never.Labels: life in stepford |
posted by Adventures in Stepford @ 6:48 PM   |
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