I do not want to walk this road again. Tried so hard not to. Over and over, I tried to rationalize the irrational. Because the good was worth it. Until it broke down in the road, undeniably and sudden.
In the end, the universe took my hand and pulled me, hard and fast, out of the room.
I didn't have a choice.
And it breaks my heart in seventeen places.
Rinse and repeat.
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You know there will be days When you're tired That you can't take another step The night will have no stars And you'll think you've gone as far As you will ever get I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else But in the end, the only steps that matter Are the ones you take all by yourself Walk on, walk on, walk on You can't go back now
It was you and me, and one hot summer Beading up with sweat all over each other Soaking wet We didn't have a lot of time So we didn't waste much Found in all the right places You wanted me to touch And all those memories Make it so hard to forget about me...
I bet you wish you had me back Another chance to gain it just like that The best you ever had
And do you close your eyes with her, And pretend I'm doing you again -Like only I can
I bet you wish you had me back
It was you and me, it seemed to last forever The way you taste, and I still remember The sounds we made. One day in June I stayed all night, And made love to you like The 4th of July. And all those memories, Make it so hard to forget about me...
I bet you wish you had me back Another chance to gain it just like that The best you ever had
And do you close your eyes with her, And pretend I'm doing you again - Like only I can I bet you wish you had me back
Every night, every time, You see me when you close your eyes...
I bet you wish you had me back Another chance to gain it just like that -Like only I can
A candle burning for everything I've ever wanted A tattoo burned for everything I've ever wanted and lost I had a long list of names that I kept in my back pocket, But I've cut it down to one and your name's at the top
Won't you share a common disaster? Share with me a common disaster A common disaster
I found myself a friend, But he's crooked as a stick in water So now I'm writing fairy tales revenge He's got a plan to steal my little sister, But I'm not too concerned 'cause I will get him in the end
Won't you share a common disaster? Share with me a common disaster A common disaster
Going to find me someone to share A common disaster Run away with me from a life so cramped and dull Not worry too much about the happily-ever-after Just keep the Caddy moving 'til we're well beyond that hill
Won't you share a common disaster? Share with me a common disaster A common disaster
Send some rain, would You send some rain? 'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again And the sun is high, and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud? Let the sky grow black, and send some mercy down Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today Maybe You'll provide in other ways And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You With gratitude For lessons learned in how to thirst for You How to bless the very sun that warms our face, If You never send us rain
Daily bread, give us daily bread Bless our bodies, keep our children fed Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today Maybe You'll provide in other ways And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You With gratitude A lesson learned to hunger after You That a starry sky offers a better view, if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread
Oh, the differences that often are between What we want, and what we really need
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace Move our hearts to hear a single beat Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today Peace might be another world away And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You With gratitude For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream In abundance or in need And if You never grant us peace...
I wanna go wallking with you If you'd agree I wanna do some talking with you Where no one can see
I wanna go dancing darling If you agree I think I'll feel a safe step darling If you were with me
And when you wrap your arms around me When you take me close and say That you're so happy and so glad you found me You take my rainy days and make them go away
Long time I've been thinking of you Do you think of me too? Long time I've been dreaming of you Make this dream come true
Long time I've been wondering about this Can this really exist I think I feel a peaceful feeling In the warmth of your kiss
And when you wrap your arms around me When you take me close and say That you're so happy and so glad you found me You take my rainy days and make them go away
On this journey may the good lord guide us And may the goddess dance beside us
And when you wrap your arms around me When you take me close and say That you're so happy and so glad you found me You take my rainy days and make them go away
Ironically, the latest song by Sarah M, my bittersweet old friend:
You walk on by Clueless and so high Following your aimless path away from us
You're so far away And what can I say Cause I can't be the one you wanted me to be
So tell me how do you feel It's so confusing If you let it all go, it'll fall apart Do you want me to stay and say I still want you You want me too, don't you?
So what are we saying Our eden's a failure A made-up story to fit the picture-perfect world The one with "I do"s and "I love you" And "we are made for each other" Is Forever over now?
And tell me how do you feel It's so confusing If you let it all go, it'll fall apart Do you want me to stay and say I still want you You want me too, don't you?
I hope there's forgiveness In the distance between us Can we make what lies ahead of us a better place to be?
So tell me, how do you feel It's so confusing If you let it all go, it'll fall --- Do you want me to stay and say I still want you You want me too, don't you?
Found in Drafts: dated April 28, 2007 (my birthday, interestingly enough. a very, very bad birthday).
Try to see it my way, Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on? While you see it your way, Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone. We can work it out, We can work it out.
Think of what you're saying. You can get it wrong and still you think that it's all right. Think of what I'm saying, We can work it out and get it straight, or say good night. We can work it out, We can work it out.
Life is very short, and there's no time For fussing and fighting, my friend. I have always thought that it's a crime, So I will ask you once again:
Try to see it my way, Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong. While you see it your way There's a chance that we might fall apart before too long. We can work it out, We can work it out.
I love this song so much I could marry it. And this is NOT a draft; this is real-time lyrics, baby.
Any minute now my ship is coming in I'll keep checking the horizon And I'll stand on the bow And feel the waves come crashing Come crashing down, down, down on me
And you said,"Be still, my love Open up your heart Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand? I already have a plan I'm waiting for my real life to begin
When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened But in my dreams I slew the dragon And down this beaten path And up this cobbled lane I'm walking in my own footsteps once again
And you say,"Just be here now Forget about the past Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice I know that I can win I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Any minute now my ship is coming in I'll keep checking the horizon And I'll check my machine There's sure to be that call It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon It's just that times are lean
And you say,"Be still, my love Open up your heart Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand? I already have a plan I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Original date of this Draft: November 15, 2007 - almost a year to the day. Still love this song. Still irrelevant in this house. Still a shame.
I've kept this song in the back pocket of my heart for almost two years. Still waiting to pull it out and make it real:
When it was over and they could talk about it She said "there's just one thing I have got to know: What in that moment when you were running so hard and fast, Made you stop and turn for home?"
He said "I always knew you loved me, even though I'd broken your heart I always knew there'd be a place for me to make a brand new start"
Oh love wash over a multitude of things Make us whole
When it was over and they could talk about it, They were sitting on the couch. She said "what on earth made you stay here, When you finally figured out what I was all about?" He said "I always knew you'd do the right thing, Even though it might take some time" She said, "Yeah, I felt that and that's probably what saved my life"
Oh love wash over a multitude of things Make us whole
There is a love that never fails There is a healing that always prevails There is a hope that whispers a vow A promise to wait while we're working it out
So come with Your love and wash over us
Love wash over a multitude of things Jesus, save us from a multitude of things Make us whole
A promise to wait A promise to stay So come with Your love and wash over us
When somebody loved me, Everything was beautiful. Every hour we spent together lives within my heart......When she loved me -Sarah McLachlan, "When She Loved Me", Toy Story 2 soundtrack
This is from Sheri Lynch's blog (of the famed national radio duo Bob & Sheri). I am NOT claiming these words as my own, but I wish my brain were so fab to spit these out.
Below is part of her blog post in a few jagged pieces - the ones that spoke to me most. Her post in it's entirety is here
…And if I die before I learn to speak Can money pay for all the days I lived awake But half asleep…
from Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money in My Hand Primitive Radio Gods Imagine if that’s what hell was: the utter loss of God, and of love and hope, and the sure knowledge that it was you who destroyed whatever good might have been yours. That it all could have been different, if only you had been less selfish or less cowardly, if only you had been a more grateful, more loving human being. To know that it was you all along and no one else, not the people you punished or blamed or pushed away. Total responsibility: yours. All second chances: gone. You’d almost rather spend eternity as a pitchfork target – at least then you could hang on to the meager pleasure of thinking yourself a victim. Instead of seeing your life as a whole, maybe it’s better to break it into episodes. Since you’re not the same person you were ten or fifteen or twenty years ago, you ought to cut yourself some slack. What we think of as mistakes now surely seemed like reasonably good ideas to the people we once were. Some of those mistakes even felt like inevitabilities, didn’t they? Also, it’s a painful fact that many of us can’t fathom the cost of our actions until it’s past time to pay for them. So what are you going to do? Wallow in the past and wish for another try? Daydream about the future when things will finally be the way they’re supposed to be? Or face up to the reality that everything counts, and this moment, the one that’s slipping away half-noticed is the only one that matters. There’s no point chasing the ghosts of our former selves. What could we possibly say that would make any sense? We did what we did, and here we are, powerless to change even one single second. That’s the sting of regret: the knowledge of what needs to be put right, the impossibility to make it so. Kind of like standing outside a broken phone booth with money in your hand.
Spending my time sleep walking Moving my mouth but not saying a thing Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in I was in love with an idea Preoccupied with how a life should appear Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer
There are so many ways to hide There are so many ways not to feel There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright
I'm going to live my life inspired Look for the holy in the common place Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed I'm going to feel all my emotions I'm going to look you in the eyes I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives
There are so many ways to hide There are so many ways not to feel There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
There are so many ways to hide There are so many ways not to feel There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright
This song has been on my iPod for a looooong time, and I just recently caught the lyrics in my brain. It makes me smile because I have felt like this recently, busy concentrating on this damned elephant and -hey, would you lookit that- there goes a piano all to pieces right behind me. I've watched the stars fall silent from your eyes All the sights that I have seen I can't believe that I believed I wished That you could see There's a new planet in the solar system There is nothing up my sleeve
I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs I'm tossing up punchlines that were never there Over my shoulder a piano falls Crashing to the ground
And all this talk of time Talk is fine And I don't want to stay around Why can't we pantomime, just close our eyes And sleep sweet dreams Being here with wings on our feet
I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs I'm tossing up punchlines that were never there Over my shoulder a piano falls Crashing to the ground
I'm breaking through, I'm bending spoons I'm keeping flowers in full bloom I'm looking for answers from the great beyond
I want the hummingbirds, the dancing bears Sweetest dreams of you Look into the stars Look into the moon
I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs I'm tossing up punchlines that were never there Over my shoulder a piano falls Crashing to the ground
I'm breaking through I'm bending spoons I'm keeping flowers in full bloom I'm looking for answers from the great beyond
There's a slow train pulling through the desert The colored cars pass quietly from sight Between the highway and the long horizon Precious dreams wind away with the light.
My brother's and my sisters' faces linger The hours of our childhood, grave and gold Driving through these solitary places Memories of their gentle kinship Touch my soul
The hawk wheels away as we pass here The clouds billow up and fly on
Down the road some hard turns are going to shake us Ride with us through the breaking of the dawn
I worry for my loving mother The dimming years, The trials she has known Her heart so kind and so weary Keep her safe one more night 'til I get home
How I long to be right there beside her And bring everything back to before We'll arrive with the first light of morning Keep her safe, let me hold her once more
The sage and Joshua tree remind me Of the miles to go, the journey that we're on In the still, sweet air of the desert We will ride through the breaking of the dawn
When we tried to rework all of this Each to [his] rendition, We painted ourselves in a corner Lost for ideas, blindly fishin'
For a compliment or kindness Just to bring us into view But you could not interpret me, and I could not interpret you.
I remember that cold morning when the trees were black with birds I tried to make out some connection - we were at a loss for words.
After all that we've been through I could not see giving up, Despite the picture of our coffee growing colder in the cups.
I want to say that underneath it all, you are my friend. And the way that I fell for you, I'll never fall that way again.
I still believe, despite our differences, that what we have's enough. And I believe in you, and I believe in love
So we went rolling on down through the years taking time off we could steal, until the Thief Of Things Unreconciled Stuck a stick into the wheel.
Now we're tumbling in a freefall, No one's gonna go unscathed. But it's not because you held back, and its not how I behaved.
I want to say that underneath it all, you are my friend. And the way that I fell for you, I'll never fall that way again. I still believe, despite our differences, that what we have's enough. I believe in you, and I believe in love
There are avenues and supplements and books stacked on the shelf, Labyrinths of recovery in search of our best self.
But most of what will happen now is way out of our hands. So just let it go, see where it lands
I want to say that, underneath it all, You are my friend. And the way that I fell for you, I'll never fall that way again.
I still believe, despite our differences, that what we have's enough..
