Bless the day this restoration is complete Dirty, dusty, something must be underneath So I scrape and I scuff Though it's never quite enough, I am starting to see me Finally
A gallery of paintings new and paintings old, I guess it's no surprise that I'm no Michelangelo Every layer of mine hides a lovely design It might take a little patience, It might take a little time
But you called me Beautiful When you saw my shame And you placed me on the wall Anyway
You who have begun this work will someday see A portrait of the holiness you meant for me So I polish and shine, til it's easier to find even an outline of mine
But you called me Beautiful When you saw my shame And you placed me on the wall Anyway
Been gone all week doing the Christmas thing with The Husband's family (much better behavior on my part this go-round vs. Thanksgiving, I knew you were wondering).
Just wanted to pop in and thank you for checking in and your supportive comments/emails. I'll be catching ya'll up on Life in Stepford shortly.
Heavenly Father.......please lend us your strength and your perfect peace as we cross this valley. Help us to understand that this is only a valley. That all valleys come to a bottom and begin to rise again, sometimes to a smooth plateau and sometimes to a glorious mountain. Help us to see that when we emerge from this valley, we will be stronger, wiser, and more deeply rooted in you. Lay your hand upon us and care for us as we make this journey. In Jesus' name we pray..........Amen
The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing! God is putting the finishing touches on the salvation work he began when we first believed. Romans 13:12 (Msg)
...so I got that going for me...
I've been running too hard on my hamster wheel, of work and to-do lists, to take the time to compose a thorough post about what's up over here in Stepford.
I have missed having that 'mulling over' time, which is now reserved for the 10 minutes listening to my iPod plugged into my car radio on the way to work and back. Lots of overtime the last few weeks, so lots of 10-minute mulling sessions. It's 50-50 (or more?) that we will be separating after the holidays, but that discussion won't be finalized until we're done making merry here at Christmas. I hope we do not, but I don't have a leg to stand on anymore. Just call me Stumpy.
I've just been trusting God to work it out however He sees fit. Doesn't mean I have to like it, but it does mean He will work it all for good. It's what He says that He will do. His words are true. I trust in that (sometimes reluctantly) when I get sad or concerned.
One of my co-workers got engaged over the weekend, and her fiance planned the setup for more than 4 weeks with a whole resort staff. She had photos at work today, and another coworker was looking through them, and commented "Nobody's ever loved me that much", and I felt a catch in my chest when she said it.
I was sad to hear that hidden truth slide out of her, and I thought, "I was loved once..." -even if it was not sustainable love for the long haul, it was once such a blessing. And I am grateful for what was, way back when. Even if it was not who we really were for the next 10 years, the way we started was fun, silly, and beautiful - so perhaps I'll tell that story here to remember what was good and precious before we trashed it.
Yawning more than I'm typing, so I need to sleep again.
Ya'll, I stumbled across a perfect paragraph written by another woman in a world of hurt:
As The Ruin Falls
I cannot deny that I have yet to be honest about the demons that rage inside of my mind, but it is difficult.
My mind is like a giant white wall that has been vandalized with all sorts of gross graffiti, and God has given me more than enough paintbrushes and paint to restore it. I paint, and paint, but then I get tired... and weep to my friends: "this wall is dirty, and it used to be white!"
They tell me: "take those paintbrushes and fix it then." I know that they are right, and I know how to do it... it just takes a lot of time and labor.
I like to go visit my friends with white walls and pretend that I've finished cleaning mine, and that I'm just like them. But it's a lie, and every time I go back to look at it, I want to weep again.
So, here I am... called to take up the brush once more. Wretched, but not yet rendered useless.
[Summer of 2011 Deletion/Republishing Note: I have googled like crazy to find which blog this came from to restore the hyperlinked URL but cannot find it to credit the author. If anyone knows it, let me know]
Tough times right now. Mentally, spiritually, and -currently the most pressing- financially. The Husband is shouldering all of the blame for our near-bankruptcy and pursuing creditors post-job. His burden is heavy, and I contributed to it but am useless in helping to lighten his load. I am of no comfort to him. I pray God will comfort him, show him love and mercy, and give the total situation some hope ... so The Husband doesn't lose his.
I'm having extreeeeeme technical difficulty getting Fetch to upload my m4a music files, so there's no audio for the time being. Please stand by.
I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place How did my heart become so lifeless and cold? Where did the passion go?
When all my efforts seem like chasing the wind I used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give I've lost the feeling and I'm down to the core I can't fake it anymore
Here I am, at the end. I'm in need of resurrection Only you can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead What I've lost to the world, what seems far beyond redemption You can take the pieces in your hand -and make me whole again
You speak and all creation falls to its knees You raise your hand and calm the winds and the raging seas You have a way of turning Winter to Spring ...Make something beautiful out of all this suffering
Here I am once again, I'm in need of resurrection Only you can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead What I've lost to the world, what seems far beyond redemption You can take the pieces in your hand and make me whole again
You have a way of turning Winter to Spring ...Make something beautiful out of all this suffering
Only you Only you Can raise me from the dead You can take the pieces in your hand and make me whole again
Dude. I just realized my last three posts are quotes. Hm. More to come of my own words, I promise! Just enjoying the lights on the tree and a strong peace in the midst of it all. My own Christmas miracle, that.
We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person. -William Somerset Maugham, writer (1874-1965)
When you reach the end of your rope, you will find the hem of His garment. -Unknown
I took this photo today, and I just love it
[Summer of 2011 Deletion/Republishing Note: no photos saved in the archive. I know this was a gorgeous sunrise from one of my nightshifts - will hopefully re-find it someday]
[Summer of 2011 Deletion/Republishing Note: All the wonderful commentation of my Stepford readers since 2006 were archived with all the blog posts, yes - but in a big gloppy pile and not attached to the posts they refer to. SO. Gonna be waaaaaay after all 4 years of posts are republished before I can get to matching each comments to its partner post. Please stand by]
Ya'll. I have read some wonderful, thoughtful comments in the last two monster posts of mine. Can I just thank you publicly for such encouragement and insight? And in taking the time to hammer out those comments; I read a lot of blogs, but I don't think I have ever been compelled to comment in such a thorough way as my readers have. And I am blessed by them.
It's the End of the World as We Know It, and I Feel -
- well, contrary to what Michael Stipe would have me sing, I do not feel "fine" about the end of the world as we know it.
The Husband mentioned something the other day that kept prodding me into thought. Why, he asked, does it always take the End of the World for you to realize you need to change? Good question. Just one year ago this week he said in a long distance phone call, "I think we need to separate" and completely rocked my world and all I that knew to be solid. I realized then, at the End of the World, many of my faults in this marriage and my focus narrowed to my family; every other peripheral thing fell away. I flew across the country to fight for my husband, but I lost that battle.
Partly because I wasn't entirely forthcoming, and neither was The Husband. He was physically unfaithful two days after I left, but had been emotionally unfaithful long enough. I discovered this relationship pre-sex but didn't tell him, just tried to get him to fess up on his own. He denied anything else influencing his decision to end the marriage. We both lied. We both lost. Long story, that I still hope The Husband will tell you himself. But if not, we'll go there eventually. Yet. I still handled things poorly in many areas. Blah, blah. You've heard it all before from me, I know.
My world fell to bits. Then my husband decided suddenly to stay in the marriage and broke off the affair after being knee-deep for over a month while back at home. It happened so quickly I was astounded, and sadly, unconvinced that he was truly choosing me. I wondered, is he staying because I am the one with the income now? Is he here just for the children? I could not simply rest in the fact that, number one: he made a godly decision, and number 2: I was worthy of choosing.
The comparison/contrast to an invisible-to-me "perfect" woman, coupled with the all-too-many emails I had read between them (fcuking torture), on top of my basic "protect thyself" default mode from childhood...recipe for disaster. Could not see the Big Picture because I was so freaked out over the whole situation. So, I go behind my Protect Thyself wall, and lob grenades at The Husband. For, oh, about a year. Every argument, disagreement, tough discussion, I throw something mean at him and likely bring up the affair, or something he said to her, or something he said about me to her, or - you get the idea. Never letting him crawl out of his hole, and be safe with me, because I was always verbally kicking his a$$. A walk-by knifing, he once described these verbal daggers. I completely lost perspective on how to work through this together. I kept my lifelong position of me-versus-you, rather than being a partner to him. I wonder now if I was ever one. Grenade lobbing continues, and then, oh, hello - it's the End of the World again.
The Husband is physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted, and pretty much sick of being married to me. Again. And - again - I have a big fat revelation of my wrong-doing and want to change. See the pattern? We do, too. We're sick of it, too. I have no good end to this post, I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head and :::splat::: them out here so they'll quit haunting me. Consider yourselves my receptacle today.
I'm so sick of hearing about family values. Most of us are in therapy because of our families. I'm surprised you don't hear about more calls to 911: "Help me, I'm in a family. Get me out of here!" - Judy Carter
