Thanks for continuing to post comments in The Husband's story. I don't have an ETA for his next installment, but I'll let you know when I do. (Mustn't be a nag here, you understand) He's been reluctant to even read here since his post, I think because he's expecting ya'll to bash him - but you have been very gracious. But we do bash us some "cheaters" here in the USofA, while simultaneously glamorizing cheating in various and sundry media. Next stop: Crazy. All aboard!
Reader Colleen had an ultimately thoughtful comment, but it started out like something The Old Stepford Moi would say:"My husband and I have a no cheat policy. There are no redos allowed. If he cheats, i'm gone. simple as that."
Colleen, I had NO grace for adultery before this. None. Zero. I clearly remember discussing our friend's cheating spouse with The Husband. The couple was separated at the time, but she was going to re-start marriage counseling and try to reconcile. At the time, we were in our car headed to our house closing. It was June 2003; oddly enough I remember exactly where we were in town during this conversation. So our friend was going to move toward saving her marriage and I expressed to The Husband in no uncertain terms that she was an idiot and he should be out on his rear immediately. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. Don't let the back door hit you where the good Lord split you, if you know what I mean. And I believe that you do.
The Husband looked over at me and said, "You have NO grace" and I replied, "Not for this, I don't" and got all uppity and self-righteous and how-dare-he-even-remotely-attempt-to-disagree-with-me on this topic. Ya'll. I can't remember what I had for breakfast (hell, I even flew through a stoplight today with my mind completely elsewhere - have NO recollection of doing it - the cop just slapped my hand. Literally. Asked me for my hand and slapped it. No ticket though. Love him!) and I have Total Recall of this very conversation? Coincidence? I think not.
Now, this friend ended up divorced in the end, and her ex-husband was a serial adulterer, which I think is a significant distinction. But nonetheless, there we were and here we are. This, too, could be you in Five Easy Steps (down a slippery slope...). Don't presume to know what you'd do here. You may be quite surprised that you don't truly know your heart/strength/faith until times such as these. Cue inspirational music. No, really. I had no good idea of who I was and what I truly believed until faced with this. My world boiled down to the essentials right quick-like.
[AIS note after blog deletion summer 2011: if after all these posts are restored, I am somehow able to port over all the comments from my unbelievably insightful & wonderful Invisible Internet Readers since 2006 I will absolutely do it. But for now, sadly, Stepford has lost it's prior audience comments]
True to his word, here is my husband's first entry. My chest did start to tighten in the last paragraph, but I so appreciate him, his willing nature, & his honesty. Please post any comments or questions you'd like him to address/answer, and I'm sure you'll see it examined by him in the future.
To say that my life has changed radically since the affair would be a complete understatement. In the course of two weeks the affair started, my wife found out and I lost her trust, and my employer found out and I lost my job. In the subsequent weeks after the affair was made "public" I found out what kind of woman my wife is and I found out who my friends really are.
It's really something to watch your life fall apart. Everything I counted on as solid was stripped away, and my pride with it. In the past five years I have traveled a lot. Another understatement. Because I was a temporary and arbitrary member of our family I developed two worlds. One was at home, where I tried to be a good father despite being gone 4 months out of each year. My marriage? Well, I tried to do the "right" things, but everything was falling apart before my eyes. If you ask my wife, we were both at fault for what happened to our marriage, and I believe that. I had my 50% and she had hers. But, because I was never around for long, we fell into a dangerous rut, and I look back on it now knowing just how dangerous it was. Neither of us were getting what we wanted from each other, so the possibility of self-destruction was high.
My second life was with the many people I was friends with all over the place that my wife never even met. And it was satisfying. Yes, it was very difficult being away from home, but when you are traveling and working all of the time, all of the truly important things become very distant, and the focus becomes on the immediate--the here and now.
The woman I had the affair with had been a friend of mine for several years. She lived in a different part of the country, and we would talk and email sporadically, since my organization did business with hers.
"The love that is had in a Marriage is like a Torch. When first lit, it shines brightly and shows the way through the darkness. Over time the light dims, but is still there burning. An affair is like a Fourth of July Sparkler. The light is overpowering and hard to ignore, but burns out so quickly that once your eyes adjust, the Torch once again becomes the beacon in the night."
No, these aren't my eloquent words but a man who is suffering through his wife's continued affair with a married man, while hoping she will eventually look back toward him and turn her bus around. WTF is wrong with people? Oh, it just makes me want to thrust hot pokers into flesh, it is so fcuking wrong to do this to anyone, much less the person you married.
Winding down now. Make way for the crazy lady. My next show will be in 45 minutes. Carry on.
We borrowed a friend's pickup truck today and went a-courtin'. No, we spent about 3+ hours hauling our old sofa, desk, and chair to new homes, and then going to purchase a friend's leather sofa and chairs and haul them back to our home. The first sign of trouble: the tailgate doesn't come down so we had to lift some very heavy crap into the stratosphere to get it into the truck. And it's hot. And we have the kidlets. And sh!t doesn't fit through doors and up stairs as it should. Blah, blah.
With anyone else, we would be fairly courteous and good-natured, even laughing about some things... I longed for that, actually, dared to hope we might have some fun. But because it's us? We are irritable and b*tchy with each other, culminating in back pain, dinged wrists, smooshed feet, scraped walls, a dented front door, and The Husband slamming the storm door open so far he rips the hardware from the frame.
Why? Because he's pissed at me. Why? Because "we don't communicate well". Why? Because "we're not on the same wavelength". Why? Because he doesn't love me and wants to be with she-who-shall-not-be-named.
No, I made that last one up, the others are his actual words. But do you see how my Personal Slippery Slope of Inadequacy and Rejection Fear works when there is any tension between us? It compounds our relationship issues by a factor of Infinity. Even over moving a sofa. [Insert primal scream here]
The Husband has graciously agreed to ponder & post about his side of our story in installments. I asked him to write about it because the adultery is his story to tell, and our aftermaths are very different. I've owned my part in this marriage that contributed to the conditions for 'the fall', but the real events remain untold. We are both at fault for what happened to us, wish that old marriage to be dead, and be re-married in a different relationship. A tall order, I know it. I'm just saying.
He was initially going to have a singular Guest appearance, but he typed and typed and typed one night, and thought better of it. The story is just too huge, really. I don't know what he'll be saying exactly, but:
1) If it's not his honest truth, it's not showing up here. This blog's mission for me is brutal honesty and damn the torpedoes.
2) I won't alter or edit his words, no matter what. This is his story, too.
3) Since we are anonymous and none of ya'll know us from Adam, he should be able to be wide-open with us here. See #1. Rinse and repeat.
Stay tuned and buckle up. This should be a good ride. Check back for The Husband around the Sunday/Monday timeframe.
I feel famous, ya'll. A lovely gal blogged about how my crazy-a$$ life made her reflect on her own here. Wow. I'm glad I made her think. Make sure you're thinking, too. Complacency is of the devil, ya'll. Wake up and make sure that you are feeling the road under your feet as it really is.
During the-time-of-which-we-do-not-speak, I listened to this song quite a bit. It found me on my iPod today and reminded me of a few things.
I used to think this song was how my husband felt about the other woman (who lived very far away from us), while it was also how I felt about my husband (who lived very far away from me, in his way, during this time).
I still listened to it today from his point of view, loving her. And then contrasting it to me loving him. But it was not the debilitating ache it once was to listen to it, more of a mild paralytic agent. Then I got up and walked on.
If you wait for me
then I'll come for you.
Although I've traveled far,
I always hold a place for you in my heart.
If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile,
Then I'll return to you.
I'll return and fill that space in your heart.
Remembering
Your touch Your kiss Your warm embrace,
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting.
If you dream of me
like I dream of you,
In a place that's warm and dark,
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart.
Remembering
Your touch Your kiss Your warm embrace,
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting.
I've longed for you,
and I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you Wherever you are.
Remembering
Your touch Your kiss Your warm embrace,
I'll find my way back to you.
Please say you'll be waiting...
Together again,
It would feel so good to be
In your arms,
Where all my journeys end.
If you can make a promise
-If it's one that you can keep,
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me
....and say you'll hold
a place for me
in your heart.
"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of the man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."
Well, we all have a face that we hide away forever
And we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone.
Some are satin, some are steel, Some are silk and some are leather.
They're the faces of a Stranger, But we love to try them on.
Well, we all fall in love, But we disregard the danger,
Though we share so many secrets, There are some we never tell.
Why were you so surprised that you never saw the Stranger?
Did you ever let your lover see the Stranger in yourself?
Don't be afraid to try again. Everyone goes south every now and then.
You've done it. Why can't someone else?
You should know by now.
You've been there yourself.
Once I used to believe
I was such a great romancer.
Then I came home to a woman that I could not recognize.
When I pressed her for a reason, She refused to even answer.
It was then I felt the Stranger kick me right between the eyes.
Well, we all fall in love But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised that you never saw the Stranger?
Did you ever let your lover see the Stranger in yourself?
You may never understand how the Stranger is inspired.
But he isn't always evil and he is not always wrong.
Though you drown in good intentions, You will never quench the fire.
You'll give in to your desire when the Stranger comes along.
Too
adv. In addition; also: He's coming along too. [syn: besides, also, likewise, as well]
I was terrified of being happy. Because when you're happy, it can be taken from you. That's the hardest part about loving; the fear of loss. And now that we have lost, it's the fear my husband will never love me like he once did.
The shadow of another female always moving too quickly around the corner before me - the faint smell of a certain shampoo, the curve of a different breast, her smiling eyes into his, inside jokes. All in his memory that he may not be able to shake, and may very well miss in the dark hours of morning, I don't pretend to know.
Then there are the people you know, who know. And not because you told them personally. It's just common fcuking knowledge after a certain amount of time. Plus, I live in a small town and he lost his job due to adultery.
I dreaded those awkward conversations (still do), but then something strange happened. Friends would talk about adultery with the word 'too.' "That happened to a friend of mine, too, and she's now remarried to a man who adores her. Never been happier." "We had the same thing happen, too, and now our marriage is so much better than before the affair, it's unbelievable." "Yeah, my husband had one, too; well, three actually, and it nearly killed me but we're still together." It felt like a secret club, a black market of hidden pain. I'd probably broken bread with these women, kvetched over pre-school waiting lists, unaware of their gaping, infected wounds.
I will not use the word 'affair', as it conveys a light frothy cream that society views it as. You do, too. It's the meat of any long running soap opera or mini-series. Good gossip in your hair salon, or chatting on the cellphone in your kids' carpool line. An affair, a party, a gala event. Please. You have no idea.
I can't control my husband's emotions and actions. Only mine, and I don't always succeed in a way that makes me proud to know me. But I know what I believe. I choose to stay here. I choose to love him. I choose to believe God's promises for marriage ... that He desires to mold a marriage to be a reflection of His glory, passion, and love ... that my marriage is not excluded from His blessing list. I refuse to keep God in a box any longer while I handle it in my own strength. There was once enough there between us; so much that we held hands and promised 'forever' to what lies ahead on a Thursday afternoon in April, just the two of us, giddy and wildly in love. It was the best day of my life.
Nobody expects this bomb to happen to them on their way to Forever; that mess is for other people who aren't married to someone with integrity, blah blah blah. Well, I call bullsh!t on that. If you looked up Integrity in Webster's, you would have seen my husband's photo. You still would. And yet he is real, with multifaceted emotions, cognition and coping skills honed in a less-than-ideal world. The same goes for me. People are made of many layers, not all of them make sense, and if you can't (or won't) recognize that, you a) are hiding on neutral as you drive your minivan to another PTA meeting, or b) haven't had to face any real-life emotions much deeper than rooting for "American Idol" contestants.
That doesn't mean I want to him to quash his true emotions/heart/soul in order to stay with me. I only want him here if he wants to be in his very deepest places, and can be totally open and authentic with me as a partner. That's a tall order; I know because I struggle to do the same. My cage door is open and God ultimately controls the outcome. I could not 'force' or coerce him into loving me enough to marry me. He came alongside me because he wanted to, not because I pleaded and tugged at his sleeve. The same is true now. He's free to go, but I hope he doesn't, and that we end up becoming so much more together than we ever would apart. He is an exciting, sexy person - flaws and all. I guess I want to have an 'affair' with my husband. A party, a gala event. The thought makes me smile.
I long for the day that one of us says "I love you" and the other replies "Me, too"
I remember thinking with great relief when I found my husband and we got marrried: I was so abundantly thankful that I wouldn't have to have those terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad brokenhearted feelings anymore (as with previous relationships) because we had found each other and committed for life and there was finally someone who loved me enough (and vice-versa) to feel safe and loved forever.
"I didn't believe in soulmates until I met you" he told me. I can remember exactly where we were when those words were uttered.
I got all teary typing that thought, because I had forgotten about it until now. It was such a happy thought at the time, accompanied by complete contentment, and such an 'emotional exhale', if you KWIM.
I now feel like I've been 'holding my breath' emotionally, by comparison. I so want to exhale, ya'll.
God's pretty straight-forward: "So here's what I think: The best thing you can do right now is to finish what you started last year and not let those good intentions grow stale. Your heart's been in the right place all along. You've got what it takes to finish it up, so go to it. Once the commitment is clear, you do what you can, not what you can't. The heart regulates the hands." 2 Corinthians 8:10
A little Hootie: Tomorrow used to be a day away Now love is gone and you're into someone far away. I never thought the day would come When I would see his hand, not mine, holding onto yours because I could not find the time.
So baby while we're young let's figure out together that even with the pain there's a remedy and we'll be all right. I don't want to live to see the day we say goodbye. -Goodbye, Hootie & The Blowfish
A little Sarah (although it is a sharp pain to hear her songs now, this one came on my iPod shuffle today): If I could only have you near To breathe a sigh or two, I would be happy just to hold the hands I love.... -Song for a Winter's Night, Sarah McLachlan
A day or so after we were married, my husband and I took a bubble bath. He, graciously, crunched his back up against the end of the tub with the faucet and I was leaning against the smooth end - our legs meeting in the middle.
I vividly remember stroking his calf/shin and thinking "This is my husband's leg. My. Husband's. Leg. This is my husband's leg". Slowly the words rolled over the folds of my brain, making new tracks in my sensory area, as I eventually learned to own those words: my husband.
And, then, in December/January of this year, I clearly remember looking at him standing in our closet getting dressed and thinking, "This may be my ex-husband's leg" - much angst involved. [Insert broken heart here]
I remember those first 24-48 hours of marriage with such a clarity. We repeatedly introduced ourselves to each other while shaking hands: "Hi, I'm your wife/husband" and giggling from the utter lunacy of the sound of it. We had steak for dinner and slow-danced in the kitchen to Marc Cohn's True Companion:
Baby, I've been searching like everybody else
Can't say nothing different about myself.
Sometimes I'm an angel, And sometimes I'm cruel.
But when it comes to love I'm just another fool.
Yes, I'll climb a mountain
I'm gonna swim the sea
There ain't no act of God, girl
Could keep you safe from me.
My arms are reaching out
Out across this canyon,
I'm asking you to be my true companion.
True companion
True companion
So don't you dare and try to walk away
I've got my heart set on our wedding day.
I've got this vision of a girl in white,
Made my decision that it's you allright.
And when I take your hand,
I'll watch my heart set sail.
I'll take my trembling fingers
And I'll lift up your veil.
Then I'll take you home,
And with wild abandon
Make love to you just like a true companion.
You are my true companion
I got a true companion
True companion
When the years have done irreparable harm,
I can see us walking slowly arm in arm
Just like the couple on the corner do,
'Cause girl I will always be in love with you.
And when I look in your eyes,
I'll still see that spark
Until the shadows fall
Until the room grows dark.
Then when I leave this Earth,
I'll be with the angels standin'
I'll be out there waiting for my true companion.
Just for my true companion
True companion
True companion
"Ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind. Or forgotten. But if you want to leave, you can. I'll remember you, though. I remember everyone that leaves." -said by Lilo to Stitch
I have been married for 10 (!) years and while much of that time has been complicated by the steamer trunks of baggage we both brought to the relationship, it contained a lot of love and laughter initially.
We used to really love spending every minute of free time together... walking the dog, driving in blizzards to watch the snow, lying in bed talking, day trips somewhere fun, chasing firetrucks just to see where they were headed, leaving cards for the other to find (one found in the cat food bin comes immediately to mind), reading passages aloud we found that amused us ... ya'll know. The I'm-madly-in-love-with-the-person-I-married Syndrome. It lasted a good while and tasted delicious.
During the last five or so years of our marriage, things between us started to disintegrate. Sometimes you just can't see the destruction in increments. You have to turn around after the devastation and gain the Big Picture perspective; why, yes, look at that. I can't believe I didn't see that plane coming right at our building. did you, dear?
The husband was pursuing the wife for a 'real' relationship, and I was defensive, controlling, passive/aggressive, just in complete denial about what a good marriage needed to be/looked like. Long nasty childhood, blah blah (see here). I pushed and pushed and pushed him away emotionally - and subtly disrespected him and what was important to him.
And, in a retaliation of sorts, he turned off the physical relationship with me and stayed up late every night. Never coming to bed with me at the same time anymore (we became seemingly opposite male/female stereotypes of physical needs). He subtly stopped showing love and what was important to me.
These issues were the two big stalemates in our marriage. More bricks laid in the wall between us. We are all charged with a sacred assignment in Marriage: to build a wall around us to the outside, and windows open to each other. The opposite was now taking place. We were smashing our spousal windows and mixing mortar to fill them. And opening windows in our outside walls.
Can you see what's next? Of course you can. You have the gift of hindsight and now I do, too.
I'll leave you with a little Tori Amos to chew on:
Baker Baker, baking a cake make me a day make me whole again and i wonder what's in a day what's in your cake this time?
i guess you heard he's gone to L.A. he says that behind my eyes i'm hiding and he tells me i pushed him away that my heart's been hard to find
here there must be something here there must be something here here
Baker Baker, can you explain if truly his heart was made of icing and i wonder how mine could taste maybe we could change his mind
i know you're late for your next parade you came to make sure that i'm not running well i ran from him in all kinds of ways guess it was his turn this time
time thought i'd make friends with time thought we'd be flying maybe not this time
Baker Baker, baking a cake make me a day make me whole again
My husband emailed me these lyrics (and song download) not long ago. Unfortunately.
The Queen and The Soldier (Suzanne Vega)
The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
He said, "I am not fighting for you any more"
The queen knew she'd seen his face someplace before
And slowly she let him inside.
He said, "I've watched your palace up here on the hill
And I've wondered who's the woman for whom we all kill
But I am leaving tomorrow and you can do what you will
Only first I am asking you why."
Down the long narrow hall he was led
Into her rooms with her tapestries red
And she never once took the crown from her head
She asked him there to sit down.
He said, "I see you now, and you are so very young
But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
And I've got this intuition, says it's all for your fun
And now will you tell me why?"
Well, the young queen, she fixed him with an arrogant eye
She said, "You won't understand, and you may as well not try"
But her face was a child's, and he thought she would cry
But she closed herself up like a fan.
And she said, "I've swallowed a secret burning thread
It cuts me inside, and often I've bled"
He laid his hand then on top of her head
And he bowed her down to the ground.
"Tell me how hungry are you? How weak you must feel
As you are living here alone, and you are never revealed
But I won't march again on your battlefield"
And he took her to the window to see.
And the sun, it was gold, though the sky, it was gray
And she wanted more than she ever could say
But she knew how it frightened her, and she turned away
And would not look at his face again.
And he said, "I want to live as an honest man
To get all I deserve and to give all I can
And to love a young woman who I don't understand
Your highness, your ways are very strange."
But the crown, it had fallen, and she thought she would break
And she stood there, ashamed of the way her heart ached
She took him to the doorstep and she asked him to wait
She would only be a moment inside.
Out in the distance her order was heard
And the soldier was killed, still waiting for her word
And while the queen went on strangling in the solitude she preferred
The battle continued on
