I have much to process and share with you and absolutely no stinkin' time for online navel gazing of late. What's marinating here deserves more than some limp synopsis on borrowed time.
As those great philosophers Toad the Wet Sprocket sang, "All I Need Is Hope." I'm getting some, and I want to share it with you. God's grace is huge -it is- but the road is long ...and fraught with potholes.
Thanks for waiting. Here are some pertinent words in the meantime (Ya'll know how I am about my quotes and lyrics): I am unwritten Can't read my mind I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, The pen's in my hand Ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else
No one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten -Unwritten, Natasha Bedingfield When nothing is sure, everything is possible. -Margaret Drabble
You have to be willing to give up the life you planned in order to live the life that's waiting for you. -Joseph Campbell
Faith sees the invisible, believes the unbelievable, and receives the impossible. -Corrie Ten Boom
This is a Part 1 of a personal journal entry from March 20th of this year. I don't know how to love well (nor have I been well-loved). I know how to love wildly, be passionate, love you when it's convenient. When it's hard or difficult, I say I love you but I don't show it. I'm selfish, my grace is limited and conditional. I want to be placed in the best possible light, the most flattering.
I was a victim, and I continue to want to be one if I don't get my way. That way it's all your fault. I don't have to take any blame. You have to fight me to get me to own any "bad" in me, my situation. I will whine and poor-me when things are going poorly in a 'well, I'm just a big piece of sh!t' kind of way - it's a blanket I use to cover a multitude of sins quickly and painlessly without having to own any individual faults, or examine my specific part.
It's so automatic. SO automatic. Deflect, deflect. Get this bad stuff OFF of me. Did that literally come from the sexual abuse? Get. Off. Of Me. Now I push even good people away. Push. Elbows locked.
I am like my mother. I fcuking hate how my mother is. I see so little good there - can't remember good because of all the bad about her. I am repeating history to some degree. No wonder the bad looks so big. In the interactions/avoidance. In the won't-take-blame. In the Quick-to-Anger. In the Quick-to-Sarcasm. In the Instant-Cutting-Tone-of-Voice. In the Poor-Me/Serve-Me attitude. In the laziness toward the work of changing.
If only we could brand this on our souls when it really counted: What we do is more important than what is done to us. -Nikki Giovanni, a Virginia Tech English professor
Learning to Wait ( ... and not just for me to Post Something...) Psalm 25:20-21
What are we to think when God withholds His answer to a prayer? Most likely, you've wondered this yourself at some point. As creatures bound by time, we can find those ticking seconds very frustrating!
God doesn't see us simply in the here and now. He perceives the entire big picture at once--where we've been, where we are, and where we're going. And He knows the exact impact on our lives of every little decision, action, or blessing.
Does God want to bring something into your life that would absolutely destroy you? Of course not! He knows what may be a tremendous blessing later could completely wreck your life now. For this reason, He often pauses to give you time to prepare for that blessing.
Learning to patiently wait on God is difficult. Doing so successfully demands at least three things from us. First, we must be sensitive to Him. That is, we must nurture our relationship with the Father so we can hear Him when He tells us to wait. Second, we must trust His judgment. Does God know more than we do? Of course. Then doesn't it make sense to trust Him? Last, we must be obedient. If we try to accomplish something alone after God tells us to wait, then we're headed for disaster. God blesses obedience, even obedient waiting.
The Lord doesn't operate in a vacuum. He works within His relationship with you. Never forget He is actively walking with you, even when He withholds an answer to your prayer. It doesn't mean He's not there; it simply means He's looking out for you even more.
Thanks much for the thoughtful comments on the Ugly post. They were, as always, insightful and comforting. Not that I'm here for a big pity party, contrary to all appearances.
I even googled Abuser Treatment Programs which was suggested by a commenter, but that seems way out of my realm (thankfully); mostly drug-induced domestic violence and women in shelters. I filed that in the Things Could Be Worse category.
I know I live in America and it's our status quo to be run exhausted, but there's got to be a place and time when this lets up. At least I keep hoping. It's been well over a year now. Long term stress and excretion of stress hormones cannot be good for us physically, let alone emotionally.
Financially, we are drowning. blah, blah. Same story, different day. And stuff that needs money for repair just keeps on happening. I know this is no headline news, but it is crazymaking.
I just burst into tears last night over my printer failing, because there's no way to repair it or replace it, and I had been making some part-time money with a little business that NEEDS A PRINTER. So I have to refund money that I'd already spent to a customer who had paid me nicely for a job I only halfway completed. [insert shotgun blast]
I just had to go straight to bed, because I was far beyond thinking clearly. The Husband was supportive and tried to be helpful, but there are no solutions to this problem and I could not function.
The kids have had field trips this week, and I have to bum rides with moms I don't know since I don't have a car anymore. Hello, surface talk for hours on end. Kill me now. I endured it yesterday & leave for another round in a few hours.
Love my kids. Love being able to spend precious time with them at farms and museums. Dread having to ask The Beautiful People for a space in their SUVs and then converse As If all the way down, and all the way back. Surely this in no small way contributed to the meltdown-over-printer-death last night.
Oh, and the air conditioning quit in the house. Years we have had this system, and hello? you want to quit now? So we're stressed and hot. Fcuking perfect.
So, I'm running on empty. I manage to scrape enough coins to put a buck or two in the tank every few days, but my Low Fuel light is always on. I just want to get a full tank again. Space to exhale.
