The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it. - John Ruskin
Okay friends, I at least have the damn header photo back in place!
[A bajillion thanks to isnaini.com for STILL having this 'primitive' blogger template & images available to use. Blogger has updated their formats/layouts and whatnot at warp speed since my little blog came on the scene in 2006. But I don't care. This template is perfect for me, and I love this header photo so much! It was me to a T back in the day, alone in a corner clinging to music & words]
I have also spend almost 2 hours getting some more blog posts back up from 2009-2011. I am almost caught up with the old posts (woot!) and can thereafter GO FORTH and catch y'all up on all the Bidniss!
the following was in an enormous post I have saved in Blogger Drafts, with so many quotes and insights and lyrics from people all over the internet. That I have been compiling since this blog began. Read this one today, and while a bit on the cheese side it spoke to me. And whenever one does, I am compelled to post it regardless of the Fromage Factor:
I do not know how long I'll live
But while I live, Lord, let me give
Some comfort to someone in need
By smile or nod, kind word or deed
And let me do what ever I can
To ease things for my fellow man
I want naught but to do my part
To "lift" a tired or weary heart
To change folks' frowns to smiles again
Then I will not have lived in vain
And I'll not care how long I'll live
If I can give... and give... and give
-Author Unknown
Original date of this draft: September 15, 2007 This is a sweet hymn. One of my favorite books, Redeeming Love, is based on this story in the bible. A beautiful love story of true forgiveness and real love.
HOSEA
Come back to me with all your heart, don't let fear keep us apart. Trees do bend, tho' straight and tall; so must we to others' call.
Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living deeply our new life.
The wilderness will lead you to your heart where I will speak. Integrity and justice with tenderness you shall know.
Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living deeply our new life.
You shall sleep secure with peace; faithfulness will be your joy.
Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living deeply our new life
There is this HUGE post in my Draft folder where I've just thrown things I have found. Like an enormous junk room in the corner of the house, I've tucked away lots of quotes and other people's stories.
So, I'm pulling them out of the corner one at a time, dusting them off and seeing what goes where on the display floor. These boxes have been accumulating in the room since 2006, so I have no idea of exact dates when found.
Here's a story from someone else's life that I kept here. Which, at the time I found it, certainly spoke to me.
Probably because I wanted somebody, anybody, to say this to The Husband and for him to Get It.
**Oh, and I realize that this may garner the same kind of dustup that Dealbreakers did two years ago, but you know? It is what it is. And I still feel the exact same way I did back then. About this topic in particular. So, shoot me.
"We went to our counselor and discussed this for the first time last Mon. Our counselor point blank told my husband that 'her needs are her needs and your job is to meet them. If you can't, then your job as a man is to admit this and let her go so she can be happy.'
I was surprised to hear him say this as my husband has had some health probs and surgery. I told him that I could wait 6 months to see an improvement, but needed to know our physical relationship is a priority. His response was 'Six months? That's too long to wait. Let's say three'. Then he asked my husband if he loved me, desired me and wanted to be married to me. Husband said yes and our counselor said 'then what's your plan for meeting her sexual needs on a regular basis? That's what it's going to take to keep her as your wife.'
I could tell that Husband was on the spot, but being told straight out that there's no excuse for not meeting your spouse's needs for intimacy and sex might work. Time will tell if it will work long term or not. We've been intimate every night since and Husband seems to have really enjoyed it.
Counselor also told him that I shouldn't have to mention it, ask for it, or remind him. That a good husband makes sure his wife is smiling if it's at all possible. I think there was something about another man telling him that he has a beautiful, intelligent wife that struck a nerve. He also told Husband that I'm asking for the bare minimum, nothing big, and that as a husband, he should be able to do the "easy stuff" to make me happy. He asked if performance is an issue and said if it is, there are things you can do. He told Husband to not wait until he feels like doing it.. to just DO IT and not think too much about it.
The only thing he told me is that I need to accept that my husband's needs are different than mine. He said that Husband has agreed to meet my needs for intimacy and sex and I can't now start criticising his efforts.. such as coming back saying that it's not passionate enough, or I feel like he's going through the motions, etc.
He said it's up to him to get it going and up to me to encourage the passion.
He's a behavioral therapist and doesn't spend a lot of time mulling over the past or why feelings are holding us back. For most things he recommends that we change our actions to what we need/want them to be, create new habits. If the feelings don't follow, then it's time to discover what's holding us back.
It's been wonderfully different from other counselor we've had. He encourages goal setting and action rather than analysis and what he calls 'excuse making that leads nowhere.'
So, telling Husband that he should meet my needs if he wants to keep this marriage allows him to decide what he wants. His actions will communicate his choice. It's fruitless to keep asking and get stuck when someone's actions show their decision.
He said this is when people get stuck because they keep trying and trying and getting the same answer (communicated by actions), yet they refuse to accept it. We get stuck and stop living because we want someone else to change, take responsiblity for our happiness, and blame them if they refuse.
Our sex should not be just going through the motions. It might be at first, but as the 'doing' generates feelings, we'll be more comfortable expressing our passion. We're fortunate in that when we do have sex, it's good and not just going through the motions. The prob with us is frequency. He questioned Husband quite a bit about his motivations for being married to me and his feelings for me.
He said that Husband's actions will tell the story over the next few months. The doing it will bring the answers. We'll either form a new habit of continued intimacy or discover that there's a roadblock. If there's a roadblock then the counselor will help us weed that out and deal with it.
He says that analyzing up front takes so much time and sometimes it really is just that people are stuck and thinking too much. Sometimes we discover through the doing that our fears and inhibitions were holding us back needlessly. We think we can't move beyond them, but when we try it's easier than we thought at first... by then we're enjoying the payoff and choose not to pick those fears and inhibitions back up.
I'm clearing out the Drafts Folder. Time to move on. On a multitude of levels.
More on that another day (not now, but soon). So you'll be getting a lot of insights and then I'll jump back in and give you some scoop. Good? Good.
First up: a great insight by NOT ME, to clarify. Loved this. And I now on some level do believe it:
"When I finally left my marriage and got divorced, and I went in and talked to my shrink about it... he said to me....'Your marriage did not fail out of a lack of love. Your marriage failed because of a lack of problem-solving skills. Love is a wonderful thing. But marriage does not operate on love. It is like any business, and it pisses people off to know it. But it's true.
Find a person with whom you can solve problems. Not the guy who rocks your world. If you can solve problems, you will find a way to rock one anothers' worlds. If you work together to solve problems, you trust one another. And that is the baseline for good sex. Trust. That is the base line for enduring love. Trust. And the base line of trust is the ability to solve problems together.'" -wise internet sage
Next, seriously good:
You validate people's lives by your attention. -Author Unknown
Finally, another blogger recently announced the happy news of her engagement online. One of the commenters left this good wish. Ya'll. Seriously, I could have written this. It Rocks The House. This is what I want and what I will have. Again, not now but soon. [all emphasis below, mine]
"Perhaps. Even so, I wish for you this...... that you'll begin and end every single day with a deep, meaningful kiss that reminds you both how much you dig each other.... that you'll save the best of yourselves for each other and let the rest of the world take you however you manage to show up.... that the asset you tend to most often and with the most care is your family, however you come to define it.... and that as, your relationship grows and changes, you'll never forget how you felt the day you said 'Yes, I will marry you.' "
Where does the time go? Been 10 days since I posted? geez. That was unheard of back in the day.
Anyway, got stopped dead in my tracks last night by these words of a Wise Internet Sage (especially the last paragraph). Shared with ya'll with said Sage's permission
Maybe forgiveness is simply the act of letting go of the hurt and allowing ourselves to move past it while continuing to live. To take the lesson we have learned and use that knowledge, instead of being paralyzed by the fear that it will happen again. Not to be stupid, no, nor turn a blind eye, but instead to trust ourselves, knowing that we have already faced a terrible thing and survived. We try to teach our children to learn from their experiences - why then do our own often experiences make us want to hide.
Bitterness, resentment, anger, these are all extremely heavy burdens to carry. If we can find a way to forgive, maybe we can just lay down that burden and cherish what we do have.
Sometimes I look around at other couples in their mediocre relationships and wonder if there is a bomb in there waiting to drop. Or maybe the bomb will never drop and they will simply continue to go on as they are, never realizing how much more there could be to their relationships.
Maybe we are the "lucky" ones in that we all really know how great our marriages could be, and we have this wonderful goal to strive for. All they have is what they think they know, the same thing, day in, day out. I don't know what is better: to never really live and never really hurt, existing in a state of numb indifference, taking each other for granted; or to experience the highs and lows of what we are going through - at least we know we are alive, we know what we want, we are striving to make ourselves better people and to, hopefully, make our marriages better in the process.
If you saw The Matrix (the original), you may see the parallel here - which pill would you choose?
This is from Sheri Lynch's blog (of the famed national radio duo Bob & Sheri). I am NOT claiming these words as my own, but I wish my brain were so fab to spit these out.
Below is part of her blog post in a few jagged pieces - the ones that spoke to me most. Her post in it's entirety is here
…And if I die before I learn to speak Can money pay for all the days I lived awake But half asleep…
from Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money in My Hand Primitive Radio Gods Imagine if that’s what hell was: the utter loss of God, and of love and hope, and the sure knowledge that it was you who destroyed whatever good might have been yours. That it all could have been different, if only you had been less selfish or less cowardly, if only you had been a more grateful, more loving human being. To know that it was you all along and no one else, not the people you punished or blamed or pushed away. Total responsibility: yours. All second chances: gone. You’d almost rather spend eternity as a pitchfork target – at least then you could hang on to the meager pleasure of thinking yourself a victim. Instead of seeing your life as a whole, maybe it’s better to break it into episodes. Since you’re not the same person you were ten or fifteen or twenty years ago, you ought to cut yourself some slack. What we think of as mistakes now surely seemed like reasonably good ideas to the people we once were. Some of those mistakes even felt like inevitabilities, didn’t they? Also, it’s a painful fact that many of us can’t fathom the cost of our actions until it’s past time to pay for them. So what are you going to do? Wallow in the past and wish for another try? Daydream about the future when things will finally be the way they’re supposed to be? Or face up to the reality that everything counts, and this moment, the one that’s slipping away half-noticed is the only one that matters. There’s no point chasing the ghosts of our former selves. What could we possibly say that would make any sense? We did what we did, and here we are, powerless to change even one single second. That’s the sting of regret: the knowledge of what needs to be put right, the impossibility to make it so. Kind of like standing outside a broken phone booth with money in your hand.
Not my words below, not even written to me, but it could have been. Okay, so between individual counseling, phone counseling, a local accountability person, and the Will of God, perhaps my dark places will get exposed to the light and melt like the Wicked Witch of the West. What? It could happen. It took BOTH of us realizing where we failed and coming to terms with our demons. He used to lie, cheat, withhold affection.. you name it, he did it and I justified my anger and refused to change. One day I woke up and realized that I was going to find a reason to be suspicious, angry and unloving no matter what he did. I realized this because when he was gone and I was alone, I had no one to unleash my anger on but myself. It almost destroyed me. I finally decided to set down my weapons and figure out where that anger came from and start loving myself. I spent years feeling angry because no one could love me enough. It's hard to love someone who's just waiting for "proof" that they're unlovable. I'm not saying this is what you're doing, but it was a problem for me. I wanted to be loved, but I wanted it on my terms. I wanted to be loved, but wouldn't trust. I wanted change, but didn't forgive.
I've been working on an update from Stepford since the 16th; still working the kinks out! Anyway, ran across this brilliantly-put thought from a Wise Internet Sage this a.m. and had to post it. I know that when some folks end up in affairs, they really feel that they've found the person who "gets them", as opposed to their spouse. (but they're just in the "velcro phase" of a relationship)
You have this script in your head of what the perfect spouse would do and say when you're down, when you're excited, or whatever, and when they don't follow the script, you feel lost and alone, like no one really "gets" you, least of all the one person who's supposed to "get" you like no one ever has before. Of course that happens quite a bit because they haven't seen the script.
Some dog-eared pages in this book I'm reading. Thought I'd share a few excerpts from The Orphaned Adult by Alexander Levy:
How well anything is put together is disclosed when pressure is applied. Lean on a table. See if it wobbles. That'll tell how well the joints are glued. Sit in a chair, scrunch around, and learn how tightly its pieces fit. Pull a cloth to test its threads and the tightness of the weave. Put pressure on a marriage, and find out what it, and the people in it, are made of. (pg. 90)
I had always been a taker, not a giver. I remember one time in particular, when I was a high-school senior, my mother came into my room one Saturday morning around eleven o'clock or so, sat on my bed, and said, "It would please your father and me very much if you would make the effort to get up one Saturday on your own, without me having to nag you, and mow the lawn." Well, I never did get up on Saturday morning and mow the lawn. I was too selfish. However, when my father was dying, for the first time in my life, I discovered the ability to be generous, gentle, kind, and loving. At one point, I even decided to move in with my father. He was having accidents at night, and I would get up and change his sheets for him. In the past, I would have gone on a tirade: "You have a urinal there. Why didn't you use it? If you didn't think you were going to make it up, why didn't you wake me? Why should I have to get up and change this bed?" But, no, I didn't say those things. It almost wasn't me. For the first time, I was able to give of myself, from my heart. It's like I was finally able to get up and mow the lawn without having to be asked" (pgs.103-104)
Grief comes in waves that last for a while and then abate. We get distracted for a while by something else - a phone call, hitting our thumb with a hammer, having to park the car in a very tight space. Lonely times are interrupted for a while by visiting friends. Pain and fear-filled thoughts temporarily yield to happy or amusing reminiscences. We feel better, and mistakenly, think grief is over, only to be discouraged by its return with the next wave. We do not pass through grief in a straight line. We do not start feeling better and then, bit by bit, get better and better, each day an improvement over the day before, each week easier than the one it follows. The recovery from loss is much more erratic than that. It is characterized by times of feeling pretty good, in which we dare to believe that crying time might be almost over, followed by crushing times of feeling much worse, in which we believe crying time will never end.(pgs. 150-151)
Edited to add two more:
The bereft are exhausted. Emotions activated by grief - sorrow, anger, fear, remorse, and so on - require a lot of energy. Expressing emotions, whether by crying raging, or sulking, uses energy. Suppressing emotions to conceal them from ourselves and others uses even more energy. Becoming increasingly vigilant in response to strange circumstances uses energy. Struggling to understand and solve problems with which we are unaccustomed, especially when resources are already depleted, uses energy. Grief is hard work. (pg. 159)
When people ask for guidance to get through times of great sorrow, I usually include the recommendation that they pray. If they ask me how, I reply, "However you pray will be fine." ....If they say they do not know how to pray, I tell them, "Well, then, that'll be the first thing you can pray for." Just about everybody prays, one way or another ... I know lots more who never enter any religious building ... but they cry out indignantly at the injustices life throws their way ... I wonder to whom they are speaking. I do not encourage people to pray in order to convert them to a particular religion, or for that matter, to religion at all. ...I encourage people to pray, by themselves or in prayer groups, for one reason - I see that it works. Prayer causes something unexpectedly restorative and wonderful to happen in healing people's hearts. Prayer is good for us. Prayer helps us to recover faster and to live our lives more fully. ...Over the years I have observed that people who have come to me for help who also pray - regardless of their religious affiliation, what they hold sacred, or how dogmatically they observe the doctrines of their faith - seem to get their lives going in satisfying ways and start feeling whole again faster than those who do not pray. I encourage people to pray because I have observed a direct connection between prayer and recovery. I cannot say why this happens. But then, come to think of it, I have no idea how a television works either. I just know which buttons bo push. I don't understand how flowers grow. I just weed, fertilize, and water. The flower takes care of the rest. I don't know how or why prayer helps. I have just seen that it does.(pgs. 170-172)
...a little ditty about Forgiveness, that eternal pain in my ass.
I have been reading a book on and off since last summer. More off than on lately. That's how I roll, and I have several half-read books littering my life and nightstand. I am moving close to the end, pick it up here and there as I am led to do so.
Like tonight.
God's timing is so freaking perfect. That God, he's so clever.
We in Stepford had recently been having conversations about generational sins, and strongholds over us (read: Me), and not to get all Amityville Horror/Exorcist on you, the hold that satan has in various places in our (read: My) life. More on that in the Hope part, perhaps, but just to show you a glimpse of the view from here.
So I pop open to my bookmark and start reading. Italics are the author's words, and I jump around a bit in her text, but they should be credited solely to her (Sandra D. Wilson, Ph.D.), much of the emphases are mine.
Tonight's reading was a Relevant Trifecta: me as a child, me with my husband (and he with me), and me with my kids. Lots of things stirring around in my stew as I read.
[a client] realized that hurt people hurt people...
[on the misperception that forgiveness makes the incident/hurt become 'no big deal']: On the contrary...sin is such a colossal 'big deal' that it needs to be forgiven. Excusing, minimizing, trivializing it won't work. It must be forgiven - not denied or discounted.
...even when we have sincerely chosen to forgive, we may need to settle for very limited reconciliation with some people. Their emotional problems or lifestyle choices may preclude anything more.
But even after sincere commitments [to forgive], we can be blown temporarily off course by painful memories or other violent emotional storms....It's important to remember that only God forgives perfectly. The rest of us have to keep working at it with continual recommitment.
...would an apology pay for a repeated betrayal of your trust? In fact, ask yourself, what could those [people] in your past possibly ever do to make up for what happened? In effect, they own a debt they can never repay. Can you see the picture? There they are, standing in front of you with empty hands and pockets, utterly unable to pay for the past. And there you are facing a choice that will shape your future.
...forgiving is not merely difficult; it is humanly impossible. Forgiving is not natural to human beings. We are more in tune with 'an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth'. As a result many of us go through our lives and our relationships blind and toothless! We blind and toothless Christians operate from a double standard when it comes to grace. We enjoy relating to God by grace but we insist on relating to others by law.
God is not playing games with us about forgiveness. He doesn't call us to forgive without supplying the power to do it
...our postsalvation sins may be the ones that haunt us most. Though we can't disappoint God (his expectations are always realistic), we can grieve Him. He knows how destructive the results of our sin will be in our lives and in the lives of others.
...[a client] learned that confessing her sins was no substitute for forsaking them....to "help" God in punishing her she had dropped out of ... activities that brought her joy.
...you may have confessed your sins...but have you confessed your complete forgiveness? ...But do you believe it? I mean, do you believe it for you?
It's true that I don't know how horrible your sin might be. But I know how great God's grace is. And I know that either "the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin" (I John 1:7) or God is a liar. 'All sin' includes even yours - and mine.
These words really spoke to me, and she specifically points to intergenerational forgiveness and sins, going on to talk about parenting and passing on the hurts, etc.
So.
Ya'll know. I need to forgive my mother. Again. And again. I need to forgive my husband. Again, and again. My husband needs to forgive me. Again, and again.
My children will learn that they need to forgive me. Again, and again. And I am breaking the cycle by ASKING THEM for forgiveness the minute I realize I've wronged them. In word, or tone, or deed. And, thank God, so far they always do.
That perpetual (yet, hopefully diminishing-) cycle of recommiting to forgive when we get temporarily derailed by painful memories or pissed-off-ness about being 'wronged' past or present. And to remember that it is temporary, because it was emotion-based. And, hello? Have you met me? I could go on a pro-am tour showcasing Emotional Rodeo Riding.
Two weeks with no posts? That must be a record in Stepford. Any readers left? I have mulled and ruminated and turned over half a dozen different post ideas in those two weeks+ and lost half of them to busy-ness, some fire to put out, or plain forgetfulness. Making a priority to write an entire post of my own words tonight, sleep be damned! ha.
I am not consistent at the following Action Plan, but when I am, I'm amazed at my own happiness potential. Posted here to reinforce my refocusing efforts. Today I Will Make a Difference by Max Lucado
Today I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my thoughts. A person is the product of his thoughts. I want to be happy and hopeful. Therefore, I will have thoughts that are happy and hopeful. I refuse to be victimized by my circumstances. I will not let petty inconveniences such as stoplights, long lines, and traffic jams be my masters. I will avoid negativism and gossip. Optimism will be my companion, and victory will be my hallmark. Today I will make a difference.
I will be grateful for the twenty-four hours that are before me. Time is a precious commodity. I refuse to allow what little time I have to be contaminated by self-pity, anxiety, or boredom. I will face this day with the joy of a child and the courage of a giant. I will drink each minute as though it is my last. When tomorrow comes, today will be gone forever. While it is here, I will use it for loving and giving. Today I will make a difference.
I will not let past failures haunt me. Even though my life is scarred with mistakes, I refuse to rummage through my trash heap of failures. I will admit them. I will correct them. I will press on. Victoriously. No failure is fatal. It’s OK to stumble… I will get up. It’s OK to fail… I will rise again. Today I will make a difference.
I will spend time with those I love. My spouse, my children, my family. A man can own the world but be poor for the lack of love. A man can own nothing and yet be wealthy in relationships. Today I will spend at least five minutes with the significant people in my world. Five quality minutes of talking or hugging or thanking or listening. Five undiluted minutes with my mate, children, and friends. Today I will make a difference.
If only we could brand this on our souls when it really counted: What we do is more important than what is done to us. -Nikki Giovanni, a Virginia Tech English professor
Learning to Wait ( ... and not just for me to Post Something...) Psalm 25:20-21
What are we to think when God withholds His answer to a prayer? Most likely, you've wondered this yourself at some point. As creatures bound by time, we can find those ticking seconds very frustrating!
God doesn't see us simply in the here and now. He perceives the entire big picture at once--where we've been, where we are, and where we're going. And He knows the exact impact on our lives of every little decision, action, or blessing.
Does God want to bring something into your life that would absolutely destroy you? Of course not! He knows what may be a tremendous blessing later could completely wreck your life now. For this reason, He often pauses to give you time to prepare for that blessing.
Learning to patiently wait on God is difficult. Doing so successfully demands at least three things from us. First, we must be sensitive to Him. That is, we must nurture our relationship with the Father so we can hear Him when He tells us to wait. Second, we must trust His judgment. Does God know more than we do? Of course. Then doesn't it make sense to trust Him? Last, we must be obedient. If we try to accomplish something alone after God tells us to wait, then we're headed for disaster. God blesses obedience, even obedient waiting.
The Lord doesn't operate in a vacuum. He works within His relationship with you. Never forget He is actively walking with you, even when He withholds an answer to your prayer. It doesn't mean He's not there; it simply means He's looking out for you even more.
If you put it out there, you're going to get Smacked
Ouch. Way back when I first started this blog last summer, I put it out there on blogrolls, Technorati, Top Blog Sites, etc.
Yes, yes, to shamelessly get traffic here, in the (misguided? self-important?) hope that people would get something from my story. I also submitted it to be reviewed on the above site. They might give a positive shoutout to 1 out of 10 blogs. Maybe. And they can be mean as hell about the rest of them. And it's no secret. But, in the interest of getting started, I submitted my blog for review.
Obviously, I was a dumbass.
It was reviewed yesterday, and duly hated. I was bored the very second I started reading this whinefest.
Oh, don't take it personally, you say? Riiiiight. My whole story here is as personal as I've ever been. That was the point of starting it. I sat in a corner and ate my hair for about an hour and then realized some good issues in the smartass-ed-ness of the reviewer (and subsequent comments) so I wanted to 'man-up' and face the music. Let's address a few, shall we?
"I can't tell if she's a strong Christian or making fun of one who is."
Oof. Anyone agree with him? I'd like to know. Perhaps because I swear like a sailor here? You can love Jesus and say fcuk (oh, FYI, I do misspell my bad words on purpose in order to not show up in internet search results). Now, whether or not I should be all 'sh!t' and 'fcuk' while being a person who reads the Bible, prays, and loves Jesus as my savior, I don't know. I'm sure that's not ideal. I'm just who I am.
But it did disturb me that I may be thought of as 'making fun' of Christianity. I think that's more the perception of Christians as 'holy' and 'above it all' and not struggling through Real Stuff, so I couldn't possibly be one.
Wrong. Thanks for playing. Next.
And in the comments section, this bit of snark: Reading a while I keep waiting for her to explode or something, and we'd end up with exploded over-analytical chick goo all over the walls. Her story is somewhat interesting, but I'm not sure I want to know that much about a person. I'd rather they fake it and smile and look cool, then go have their meltdowns privately. Society runs better that way and it makes my life easier
Damn, ya'll. Isn't that interesting? No, really. That is exactly what I was like, the whole "fake it and smile and look cool" while having my "meltdowns privately". I think that is a lot of what is wrong in our society. It may "run better that way", but most of us are coming undone trying to fake it longterm. I totally got what he was saying, and I used to agree, and now I SO disagree with that sh!t.
Having said that, there's no need to bust out with TMI and "exploded over-analytical chick goo" (ha! that made me laugh, even though it was meant to be a slam) upon first meeting people IRL, but being Authentic is important, although sadly unnecessary in our culture. I guess it's up to you how Real you can stand to be in this life. Surface is easy, I know. I'm great at it. But it comes with a price. Eventually.
And you know, I did get a LOAD of referred traffic yesterday. So the original goal was obtained, even if people came, read, judged, and left. So be it.
Oh. My. God. And I thought I was introspective. This chick is fascinated with herself. It was nearly impossible for me to stop reading this blog - and now I'm going to go sit in a corner and think about my thoughts and my feelings about this.
Dude, I guess we're all fascinated with ourselves on some level. But the irony is I ignored myself for so long that the pendulum is swinging the other way for me in the aftermath of a Catastrophic Life Event and I guess it does look like massive amounts of navel-gazing. Oh, well.
I did get one positive comment on that site, and hooray, what a relief in maelstrom of slams. the second one, though...love it. i can see how it could be tmi for a lot of people, but i have to have respect for someone who puts themselves really out there like that, and the story is interesting to me. maybe it's because i'm a chick, but i dig her.
Well, that last post was a whine-fest, so I'll get out of my own head and let someone else do today's whining portion.
With his permission, this is what a wise man wrote to a woman who didn't want to have sex with her husband. He shared his point of view, in the hopes that she could understand what her own husband felt in a sex-starved marriage.
And after reading what he wrote, she got it. Really got it. So one man's stuggle blessed another person. That's what you hope for, second only to setting right your own.
Here's how I feel about my wife not being able to be intimate. I feel like I have a disease, like I'm not good enough for her, like there's something wrong with me, like she doesn't like me or love me, like I'm shackled and stuck in a cage that I can't get out of. It makes me want to divorce her, and go find a woman that'll want to have sex with me. A woman that enjoys a good orgasm, and isn't afraid to show it.
You see, one of the biggest turn-ons for a guy is a woman who's turned on. It's not a porno kind of thing, it's a sharing of the love thing. It's a communication that is deep and very hard to describe, but it lets us guys know that we are needed, loved, and appreciated, like a warm piece of fresh baked apple pie. We come away with the satisfaction of knowing that our woman just recieved the fullest of the love we can possibly deliver.
Being refused good sex is the ultimate rejection. It's like a kid pouring his soul into a work of art, or writing beautiful story, and being super excited to show it to his mom, only to find mom uninterested or not even care to see it. Makes you just want to tear it up and throw it away.
Personally, it's the cruelest thing I've ever had to face. I'd much rather have her be rude, ugly, short tempered, air headed, etc. Just about anything but frigid.
Sex should not get mixed up in personal differences.It should be like brushing your teeth, you do it every day no matter if you're mad or sad or whatever. Don't get it mixed up with all the other confusing emotions that are running around.
Just have a glass of wine, dance naked in front of the mirror, whatever you need to get you a little warm, and then give that man the whole of you! Teach him how to bring you to climax like only YOU know how to climax and scream outloud how good it feels.
It's a blessing from God to you and your spouse. Keeping your spouse from good sex, is keeping them from one of the greatest blessings that God has given a marriage.
I just want to live happily-ever-after every now and then. -Jimmy Buffett
When trips to the library & free time were more readily available, I enjoyed the author, she's very fun. (click photo to travel to amazon.com) She wove some words together in this book that I took away with me, and use mentally a LOT:
The protagonist reflects on attending a stress-reduction seminar where they were instructed to imagine a safe and comforting place. She figured everyone else was envisioning warm beaches, and she couldn't find comfort in any of the standard imagery. She writes:
The place that I went, the place that I still go, was the warm hollowed-out center of a Bundt cake. It is usually gingerbread, though sometimes that changes. Sometimes it's gingerbread crowned in a ring of poached pears. The walls that surround me are high and soft, but as they go up they curve back, open up to the light, so I feel protected by the cake but never trapped by it. ...I press my cheek against the cake, which is soft as eiderdown and still warm. This isn't a fantasy about food exactly, at least not insofar as I want to eat my way through a cake that's taller than I am. It's about being inside of cake, being part of something that I find to be profoundly comforting.
She goes on to say
It was a laugh to think I was stressed when I signed up for that workshop. ...I remember it now and hang my head in disbelief. I want to go back to that person I was, take her by the shoulders and shake her. "Look again!" I want to say to myself. "You are standing in the middle of paradise." [emphasis mine]
Or as I nutshelled it, I was in the middle of the cake. But I was so obtuse I lost perspective for all that I had in my hands already. If only I had looked harder at myself, and my relationship(s).
I put my head in the sand, ignored the signs that I was in some poor patterns of behavior as a wife, parent, person. Ignore, ignore, stay busy, put priorities in all kinds of dumbass places (hobbies, busy-work, affirmation for tasks/committees), avoid relational intimacy, la la la.
In the aftermath of my life imploding, I realize almost daily that I was in the middle of the cake. I just want to sit in a corner and eat my hair when I think about it. I had so much, squandered vast potential. I'm trying not to lose hope of finding the cake again, even a cupcake.
Dammit. I crawled out of a very fcuked up childhood/adolescence and managed to knit together a decent human being.
And then, unbelievably, found the person who was my happily ever after. Cheesy as it sounds, it was all that. He was everything I ever wanted - and believeyoume I had kissed, etc my share of frogs to know. People commented that I lit up from the inside out when I saw him.
Then as times got stressful or difficult, as things in all progressing relationships will, I emotionally pulled away and attacked the one person who was on my team. For a long time.
I knew no other example of how to be, but I couldn't help it is of small comfort over here by myself. And I'm paying the price. Even now, when I know what not to do and why, I still grind against my Default settings.
My safe, loving, comforting places are gone, and I struggle with losing my soft spot to fall. To rest my loving gaze. To have it returned.
And lately, the heavens seem as brass. :::tap, tap::: is this thing on?
Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death.
Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention.... Stop repeating the past and start creating the future.
Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshipping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze a new trail....Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not...
What if the life you really want and the future God wants for you are actually hiding in your biggest problem, worst failure, or greatest fear?...
When we don't have the guts to step out in faith and chase lions, God is robbed of the glory that rightfully belongs to Him.
And the truth is this: The greatest regret at the end of out lives will be the lions we didn't chase.
I'm convinced that many of us are one chase away from our dreams becoming reality. I can't promise it will be a short or an easy chase. In fact, it will probably scare the living daylights out of you.
But where you end up in life really does trace back to how you react when you cross paths with a lion. -from an article by Mark Batterson in the Jan-Feb 2007 issue of Relevant Magazine
