Our holiday was quite bad, and once again I slipped and fell (hard, and in front of his family) in my efforts to not be a complete a$$. A little back info: two Saturdays ago, my MIL confronted me at the end of a daylong visit re: my wanting to leave the marriage. She hit a few hot buttons, for example: that what I thinking of doing was as bad, if not worse, than what The Husband had done. I was so shocked by this one statement that I was agog for the rest of the time she spoke. And of course she touched on what a divorce would do to the children (the whole argument we all gave The Husband when it was his turn to want out last year). Anyway, the inlaws left shortly thereafter and went home, and this no doubt contributed to triggering my inner Butthead for the next two days, although it is ultimately my responsibility for how I act. I spewed forth upon my spouse, myself, and my God, culminating in the horror show that was the i-can-see-the-end of the marriage last week, when I posted for prayer and ya'll were so gracious to offer it.
So. Forward to Thanksgiving. I had previously said I would not be coming to the inlaws, but acquiesced to The Husband's gracious request for me to join he and the children there. He also requested that I speak to his mother about what she'd said to me. I agreed, and thought it all completely reasonable.
Then we arrived ... I had been irritable on the drive down (and earlier that a.m.) getting more uncomfortable at the whole thought of whatthehellamigoingtodo, howcanihandlethis...So we arrive and I go into 'hide' mode, and basically don't speak to his parents for about oh, hours. Just avoid them, read a magazine, worry with the children's whereabouts, etc. My invisible force field of "Protect Thyself" went up (insert sci-fi sound effect here), and basically I looked like a complete b!tch, even though it was discomfort that motivated me (or should I say un-motivated me to act correctly). The Husband told me later that my behavior completely embarrassed him. To add insult to injury, we forgot my nice holiday clothes so I am in my travel wear for dinner, and feel like a complete and total Loser. And The Husband has to persuade me to go to dinner, as I am all to pieces about the no-decent-clothes incident, on top of the whole day. The Lord continues to strip away any residual layers of pride.
I did go to my MIL before dinner (way too late for decency, timeframe-wise) and tell her that I was sorry but what she had said hurt my feelings, and she had no idea what this year had been like, or what we were going through, to pass judgment, that there is a reason the Bible allows for divorce in the case of adultery, and she was speaking from a place of ignorance. She did say that she had not meant to imply anything about my character, but then went on to basically repeat most of what she'd said the week prior, and I just nodded my head, because whatthehell, I'd already been an a$$ all day.
So the entire 24 hours there were a nightmare as far as my behavior and basic irritability. Then we come home and the previously quiet-at-the-time Husband rips into me (rightfully so) about my behavior, I get defensive, and we are once again at Square Zero because he sees no change in my heart about being an irritable, blame-deflecting-at-all-costs b!tch. So. We are now, once again, to re-evaluate this marriage, and my emotional attitude in it, after the holidays (which, incidentally, is one year since this whole affair exploded into our lives). And OMGosh, suddenly the holidays are actually upon us, and I feel numb (Christmas is in four weeks? really?) and it's moving so fast. In my very deepest heart I don't want this marriage to end, even though I rolled the words around on my tongue and put it out there. Only God can change our hearts now, as well as our behavior. The Husband is thoughtful, civil, pleasant, and polite, and I appreciate him for that. I have finally come to see piecing-the-marriage-together-after-a-crisis for the Marathon that it truly is (ironically, perhaps too late). I no longer feel the compunction to be jumping up and down like a petulant toddler demanding my needs be met. I don't expect anything for quite some time, as I've pushed this man to his limits and I honestly wonder if he has any warm feelings left for me deep down. Let me just reiterate that I DO NOT blame him for that. Ya'll haven't been here to see the ugliness I can throw. It's been going on for years. It came from my FOO (family of origin) and I brought it with me here. Again, we both have baggage. Mine was downright mean, and tenacious in its hold over me.
I'm just hanging on to God's promises right now, because my own efforts have proved extremely hazardous to my world. Making decisions and acting based solely on my FEELINGS has been my downfall. Please learn from my mistakes; it's impulsive and exhausting, and one of the main reasons I am staring the end of my marriage full in the face. If I could turn back time to mid-May (or hell, years earlier, since we're wishing), and stop the slippery slope of demands, expectations, entitlements, and beating-the-emotional-sh!t-out-of-my-husband that I have done, we might be in a much better place right now. I can't believe it's been a year. The adultery ripped The Husband's world apart too, and he needed a Team Member after the initial damage was done and the affair ended. I was never consistent in being that partner for him. Yes, I was hurt beyond description but he was, too, in his way. We needed each other, and I dropped the ball.
But here's the weird blessing in it all: I have been (tentatively) released from a real emotional prison I've carried with me for years. It's very difficult to explain but since, oh, forever, I've been a dance-fast-enough-so-they-won't-see-the-real-me kind of gal. Worked well for the outside world but not at all with my husband. Because meanwhile, I'm pushing down some big ball of tension/pain/ick in the background. The big ball was the size of a classroom globe that I was holding down with both hands, while trying to simultaneously ignore it. May not make sense to you, but that's my most accurate way to describe it. That definition came from a therapist we had about 6+ years ago. true, that. So we pointed a spotlight at the big Ball O' Crap I was pushing down, and yet I had no idea what it WAS, had denied its existence - but it was exposed. Sometimes it shrunk, sometimes not, but everpresent. And here I was, pushing it out of the way, staying busy, and not looking at it.
Then my life comes apart, a lot of it my fault on the way there, but The Husband is unfaithful and turns his back on the marriage for a time. For whatever reason, this brutally exposes my insides. I am ripped inside out in a way that is completely un-knowable to those who have not been there. But that first explosion rips the globe from my hands because there is finally something else critical enough for me to drop it and run toward. I actually didn't even notice it was gone for a few months, I was so caught up in the pressing issues, my self-exposure, OMG what have I done to this man, looking at my faults in the marriage and owning many of them for the first time.
But then forward movement (no matter how snail-paced) grinds to a halt, most of it due to my impatience and myopic point of view. And I stop 'evolving' - I get back on the Blame and Avoidance wagon. Yeah, I might have done that, BUT LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME. By constantly pointing away from my oh-so-real faults and at the high-profile affair, I could be the martyr in this marriage and not have to change. Oh, pity me, do what I want. Anyway, months later I sort of notice that I'm not holding this globe/pit of tension down with all my strength BUT that there is a fist-sized ball of tension settled in my chest. One I work to ignore, as per usual, but is very much there all the time. And I make my merry efforts to dance around it, resume my selfish demands of The Husband, and be quick to point out all that he is NOT doing, all the ways I am NOT happy, and generally being my own speedbump (again) on the road to a real relationship.
Then two more explosions rock my world. One that I alluded to when I asked for your prayers last weekend, and this stupid Thanksgiving holiday where I am a jacka$$ with almost complete disregard for anyone else's feelings. And somewhere in the middle of all of that, my fist-sized knot has disappeared. I can't even conjure it up (and yes, I am just that stupid to have tried to give myself the anxious thoughts that produce it, just to see where it is, if it's going to return).
So my first-draft Theory of WhatTheHellWasIt will no doubt sound dumb. And I really don't care because people, this sh!t has been plaguing me since I was a teenager. I'm trying to work it all out 20+ years later, so cut me some slack: I think that ball was fear. Useless, not-really-substantiated, more-powerful-than-it-sounds fear. I expect to refine this conclusion as I mull it over, but it was the fear that Who I Really Am is NOT Worth Knowing, Loving, or Exploring Deeply. So I think I danced around that fear, acted like I didn't have it, and presented something only Partly Me to the world. And also to my husband. But the Lord gifted him with SUCH discernment about me, that my sh!t didn't fly with The Husband for long. Fortunately, thankfully, he still loved me while interacting with the dancing, deflecting, defensive weirdness that was my former self. Until he didn't. And finally, finally, I appreciate all he has tolerated and had hoped to pierce through -even if it is too late for him to ever feel love for me again. I appreciate his prior feelings and his prior efforts, even if he cannot muster another go at it now. I will 21-gun salute him always for how he tried when I didn't try, and how he saw truth when I didn't see it.
There is a girl inside me that is real, a girl I really like, who -when I daydream about my life-I see as myself. I haven't been able to get her from the inside of me to the outside world. Part of what hurt me so much about the infidelity, is that I know in my heart that the good things he saw in she-who-shall-not-be-named that appealed to him, and what he felt for her, I HAD IT IN ME TO BE -had I been able to jump the emotional hurdle and get the Best Me out of my head and into my marriage. But the fear had been in the way. Or something. It may still be, I don't pretend to know all that yet.
I am just having some real conversations with myself, and trying to find Truth -not just my fcuked up interpretation of Truth as I've tried to mold it. To quit trying to squeeze The Husband like a roll of Charmin to get what I want from him, while I stubbornly held out and wouldn't give him what he wanted. I'm just (somehow, bizarrely) content to rest in the promises of God, since I am crap on my own strength. The fact that I turned my back on Him in anger, frustration, and selfishness, and yet He still scooped me up when I called to Him in desperation is very humbling. He comforts me. He calms me. He is right beside me. No matter what happens. Regardless of what I've done, what I may still do, or how I seem to try to, I cannot turn Him away from me. He still reaches for me, even when I've pushed all mortals away.
The thought continues to bring me to tears, because it astounds me. It is so NOT what I've known. Because, by gum, when I get it in my sick mind to push you away, trust me, you will eventually go. Ask The Husband. But not The Lord. I cannot verbalize how I want to curl up in a ball and thank Him for that.
The one thing I AM trying to do is exactly the OPPOSITE of my immediate reaction to things. If I feel compelled to say something, I shut up. If I don't want to do or say something, I do or say it. And oddly enough, there's a real peace in that because I'm not relying on my motivations about it. But unlike before, I am NOT doing anything with a Look-At-Me-And-Give-Me-Brownie-Points kind of expectation. I am waaaaay in the red on brownie points, and I have no false illusions that any efforts would even REGISTER on The Husband's radar for some time. And rightfully so.
I just want to be consistent, and not crazy-making. And that's going to take MUCH TIME to erase my actions of the last year(s). Yes, we both have blame in how we've been married to each other. This is mine.I am praying for these feelings to stick, this self-awareness to be real, for the ability to be consistent, accept responsibility for my wrongs, to be capable of stepping on my inner Drama Queen should she raise her head. And to find that great person I know is inside and bring her out here. I know The Husband would enjoy her, and he deserves that chance to. I pray it's God's will for us to walk boldly toward each other across our Ground Zero rubble and make a new foundation to build upon. But, again, it doesn't look good for our team.
The Lord doesn't fiddle around when he moves in a heart; He was quick and decisive each time He changed something within me. I am broken, but oddly steadfast. I know actions have consequences and, should this marriage be over, at least half of that is my fault by my actions. I thank God He forgives me and knows the end of the story. I hope it is the outcome that gives Him the most glory and is a testimony to the miracles He can do when we let Him. Let us pray.
With my thanks to a wise internet sage named Amy, who shared this insight. She is struggling to stand for her marriage, and is weary.
Here is the irony in this term "be still." While we must take the initiative to fulfill our responsibilities and live our lives, the uncertainties of living in a world of sin and woe will continually challenge us. Personal initiative is no substitute for reliance upon God (cf. James 4:13-17).
This command -"be still"- forces us to think on two things: that we are finite, and that God is infinite. That being the case, we need to drop our hands, go limp, relax, and "chill out." Christian people ought to "come, behold the works of Jehovah," (v. 8) that we may enjoy a calm confidence in him who gave us his Son.
"Shall he not also with him freely give us all things?" Paul reasoned (Romans 8:32). Psalm 46:10 encourages us to reflect on what God can do in the face of what we are unable to do.
Spiritual serenity, the psalmist admits, ought to be cultivated in spite of the shaking mountains and agitated waters (vv. 2-3; i.e., figures for the difficulties we face in life). This spiritual calm, that God commands, does not come from a lack of troubles; it derives from a steady, deep reflection on the ways God has intervened in history on behalf of his people (cf. Romans 15:4).
So as your world crumbles around you, the call from Scripture is: don't flinch in faith in God. Stand still -not because of a self-made confidence, not because you are the most composed person in the face of disaster, not because "you've seen it all."
Be still because of what you know about God. Oh now THAT will preach.
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1Thessalonians 5:18
Not give thanks for all circumstances, but in them. Or as The Message translation puts it: Thank God no matter what happens.
I will post more in a few days; I have had a lot happen at the cellular level, lots to chew on, and frankly I don't want to go off pontificating until I have a better handle on my internal self. Again, thank you so much for your wonderful encouragement. You guys are another reason I give thanks this year. Blessings to you.
I am finally, utterly, and totally lost without divine intervention. LOST.I have been stupid and reckless with my words and pushed it over the edge. In fact, it may be too late for my marriage, but I am in need of prayer if it is to be saved (like Superman flying around the world backwards to turn back time, to stop Lois Lane from dying, in the first Superman movie).
I have been reckless and mean and unforgiving, and I am SO WRONG. Please pray that it's not too late and God will do something amazing from my stupidity and hurtfulness. I am ashamed at the person I have been for the last two weeks especially, full of pride and 'entitlement' to the expense and detriment of a person who should never need to suffer by my hands.
I have been a stubborn jackass. I have been ashamed and embarrassed at my behavior, even as I've watched it. I am horrified. I got so mad at God last night, I sat in my car and told Him so. Told him to please strip me of my ego and pride and to MOVE in this marriage because I was losing faith in Him wanting this marriage saved, or Him loving me enough to take this pain away. SO. Here we are with my nasty underbelly exposed and raw; completely removed of ego, stripped of pride, and too ashamed at my behavior to do much besides cry all day. Be careful what you ask for. I am so horrified at how I have behaved. I'd have left months ago if The Husband had treated me so badly, and thrown it all in my face daily. He has been the better person all year, since he ended the affair. He has been more consistent, focused, honest, and allaround good than I have been -by a mile.
Oh, I am so heavy with my private burdens tonight. Thank you for your prayers.
In every heart there is a room A sanctuary safe and strong, To heal the wounds from lovers past Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones You answered me with no pretense, And still I feel I said too much. My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose It seems I only felt the thorns. And so it goes, and so it goes, And so will you soon, I suppose
But if my silence made you leave Then that would be my worst mistake, So I will share this room with you, And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed It's just as well for all I've seen. And so it goes, and so it goes, And you're the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you That's if the choice were mine to make, But you can make decisions, too. And you can have this heart to break.
And so it goes, and so it goes And you're the only one who knows.
"It has been well said that no man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear. Never load yourselves so, my friends. If you find yourselves so loaded, at least remember this: it is your own doing, not God's. He begs you to leave the future to Him and mind the present." -George Macdonald
So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' for your heavenly Father knows that you need these things. But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. -Matthew 6:31-33
"You don't think your way to a new way of living. You live your way to a new way of thinking." -from Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch
"Letting those feelings of despair dictate your attitude and behavior now is really just doing what the cheaters did: allowing your feelings to control you, rather than making sound choices then following through regardless how it feels sometimes." -a wise man whose wife was unfaithful
He heals the heartbroken and bandages their wounds. Our Lord is great, with limitless strength; we'll never comprehend what he knows and does. God puts the fallen on their feet again and pushes the wicked into the ditch. He's not impressed with horsepower; the size of our muscles means little to him. Those who fear God get God's attention; they can depend on his strength. He launches his promises earthward - how swift and sure they come! who can survive his winter? Then he gives the command and it all melts; he breathes on winter - suddenly it's spring! (The Message translation)
I don't even know what to tell you; I am on a roller coaster of hope and despair - much of my own making. The Husband is just empty and has nothing to give me, his whole life imploded for God's sake, and I run around like a little yippy dog wanting more more more. I'm so tired mentally and physically that I just want some comfort here at home, and that's not working for me. I know The Husband cannot fill me up, that only God can, but I still wish for a fix.
It's just been the most exhausting year of my adult life on every level. I turned full-on to the Lord early in this thing, and was comforted by Him, held up in the middle of the ongoing Hell of the affair by Him directly and indirectly (through amazing friends). Since then, it's been a world of busy-ness and emotional torture for me with returning to work fulltime, the kids going to school, and The Husbands's individual destruction/upheaval of his life, and by extension, mine.
I am (overly) concerned about a return to the status quo of Life Pre-Affair, which was nothing worth writing home about, as I've mentioned here before. The Husband's late night habits of staying awake without me, and not being intimate were bad habits for years, which is the most obvious road sign on the way to Things Staying The Same And Not Changing, and therefore how I gauge progress in the marriage. Every day/week/month that goes by with that 'one thing' still the same in our lives, the more panicked I become that we are on the same road to StagnantMarriageton, Unfulfillment, or Adulteryville, and won't be able to find the off-ramp. It's a multi-layered fear, really. Feeds right into my insecurity of being rejected, etc. So I panic, and think The Husband hasn't noticed this non-change and gee, I guess I'd better say something about it, because maybe if I KEEP SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT IT, IT WILL EFFECT A CHANGE. Well, duh. Not. That's nagging, ya'll.
But in my panic to find the off-ramp, I nag him about this ONE thing that scares me to death, that I consider to be the road sign into Hell's cul-de-sac. Who wants to move toward THAT? Hey, I'm bitching at you constantly, come over here and love me. Um, no thanks. Who can blame him? Yes, yes, he's wrong about the bed thing longterm, but so too am I - in my way.
So I ride this rodeo bull of my emotions/feelings, which just digs up any good that's been planted and leaves another gaping hole in the ground where something should have been planted, left alone, and allowed to grow roots. Each time I ride these large emotions, our progress is impeded and slowed considerably. But at the same time, I wonder: Will this EVER change? Is he just plodding along with me out of no other choice? He tells me repeatedly that's not true, and I long to believe him. I can't just dismiss this stuff out of my head, although sometimes actually I can. I admit wanting to leave and be done with it, and in the very next minute thinking that I would not want to live a life without him in it. And the Lord sits on His throne and just shakes His head at me, I'm sure. I feel so lost about the Lord, more far away from Him than I want to be emotionally, because my soul feels a jumbled mess anymore. I have a purpose at work, people value me and need me. I don't feel valued and needed at home.
Perhaps The Husband felt much the same way about things when he was working and coming home to the old yucky me. I'm not the same person that I was this time last year, and for that I cannot be anything but grateful, no matter how horribly it came to pass. I don't think I hold the actual affair over The Husband's head, but I know I do hold what he's not doing since the affair over him. I'm sure it's no way to live, I just had such hope that our relationship would be much further down the road by now than it is. That's my shortcoming in expecting more than I have.
I have also been reading about couples who are further along in intimacy, etc. after adultery and it makes me ache. Not that I should be comparing my individual situation to others', but it's hard not to when I'm searching for answers and other stories about successful marriages after infidelity. Sex/intimacy/time would not be the sticking point for me that it is, if we were having it. But perhaps even then I'd find another sticking point. The Husband certainly seems to think so, and he may be right (although I'd like to think he wouldn't be), it's just that this particular problem plagued us pre-affair, and is much more painful to be STILL dealing with post-affair.
Plus, the negative stuff has so much more 'sticking' power than the positive. It seems bigger and stronger and in more abundance than anything good that's happened. (more on that in a future post, since this one is rivaling War and Peace in length already) My fault there for chewing on that bone as well. Grabbing the classifieds to look for an apartment every time I want to run is not good for trust and rebuilding, I realize that. I reach for him and then run away from him -like a yoyo- depending on whether I'm upset or happy, and I've worn him out with it. I do not blame him for being over me and my fat dramas.
I took off my wedding ring, not in any grand gesture actually. I haven't been wearing my diamond for a while now (long story because the stone came from my mother, and I'll perhaps elaborate on those feelings another time), and I take my band off when I go to the gym (NO, get your heads out of the gutter, it's because it's in the way when I lift weights. Not because I'm trolling for gym rats). The last time I took it off, I just forgot to put it back on for several days. Frankly it just didn't seem to be a big deal but The Husband saw the rings in my drawer one day during my recent Dealbreaker mindset and asked if I was going to keep them off. I didn't answer him directly, and I could've just apologized and explained that it wasn't intentional etc. But no. I didn't. Which made it seem - by omission of explanation - that it was part of some Master Plan. That was wrong of me. I implied more sinister motives than I ever intended by my lack of information, than I would have if I had tried outright.
Sometimes I cannot process things fast enough to see the end result, and when I hold honest information close to my vest, screw up even more. Hence, the whole wedding band scenario. And did I come right home, put it back on and explain it to The Husband? No. I just left it off for a few more days because I figured I wasn't in a marriage anyway, blah blah. The bull-riding emotional rodeo rides on.
Did The Husband remove his wedding ring? No. Not even during the affair, actually, which falls on both sides of the fence for me (i.e. aw, he never took it off VS. the bastard didn't even take off his ring to screw her. You understand). Way back when, he voiced many times that he would never love me again, wouldn't live in a loveless marriage, wanted to leave me and this trainwreck of a marriage, etc. But. In his defense, since he ended his relationship with her, he still has never removed his ring. Has never voiced anything but his desire to make this marriage work. Even when I've been out the door a handful of times since. Even when I am the first to bring up separation. Even when I say I will not live in a loveless marriage, and many of the same phrases he uttered during that awful time. Even then. He is battered but still standing.
This blog is biased toward my wayward and wind-swept emotions. Hell, my life is biased toward my wayward and wind-swept emotions. It is not objective, nor does it take in The Husband's side of things. Although, good grief, people. How many men would blog about their affair and how it ruined their life because their spouse asked them to? Not many, I'd venture to say. The Husband is a good man. He has grown from this as well. Just because he's not meeting every need I have for a marriage is no reason to beat him when he's down. I say that to myself as well as to you. As has been revealed to me by a wise man, we both broke our vows, The Husband's lapse was just more public and got all the visible PR. I did not love, honor, or cherish either.
My sins were more subtle and less visible to the outside world. Good heavens, how many of us bitch and complain about our spouses? That's so wrong. And you know it. Even if s/he never knows about it, it infects your relationship. It's what happened with The Husband and his friend-turned-lover. And it's what happened to infect my respect for my man before he even turned away. Quitcher bitchin'. Fix your problems before they spin out of control. Even if you're bad-mouthing a little teensy thing, it looks poor.
Here's a recent example. I saw a friend in church a few months ago, and her daughters were wearing little matching dresses. I commented how pretty they looked, and she said, "I never should have let their daddy put them in their car seats. He didn't do it right and they are so wrinkled." Damn, woman. Be glad he's helping you by buckling the kids in their seats, you know? But she saw the negative in her man, not the positive. But we've ALL done that. We've ALL disrespected the person closest to us when that is the LAST thing we should be doing.
And for GOD'S SAKE, don't bemoan your marriage to a 'friend' of the opposite sex. Just don't. If you can't share the conversation with your spouse and have to hide it, you know it's wrong. Don't even give me your story or justification for doing so. Talk to the hand.
All of this to say, in my roundabout way, there are two sides to every story, marriage, failure. This blog is mostly my side, and biased toward my point of view. It's not an accurate accounting of the things The Husband has done to secure my trust, and move toward me in other ways since the adultery. He takes itty-bitty-bound-up-geisha-steps toward me, due to his own baggage clashing with my own, but he is taking them. He, too, is a different person than you would have met one year ago. He includes me in his life, makes time to talk to me for hours if needed, and makes plans for us to do things together occasionally, as a family and as a couple. I put my caveat on all of his efforts by telling him it's not very often, or you didn't hold my hand, or you only did it because you had to, or you're only here for the children, you see the pattern.
My rampant insecurities jump right out of my mouth and splat onto the brand new sprout of a relationship trying to come out of a frozen ground in some fierce wind. If you were that little sprout, would you keep trying so hard? I see my side, yes, because - well, I'm ME. But I do also see his, as much as I can from my selfish cranium-in-rectum position most days.
So. Here is the upshot of what happened on the Dealbreakers post. A comment that summarizes the basic flavor of my readers' side, and the reply from The Husband.
The Reader Comment:
Yes, so what are you going to do? How long before you realize he has completely checked out? Sure day-to-day activities you have covered. I have friends who are the big "D" and they are able to accomplish even that. The true test comes from the intimacy and you bet it is a two way street.
So how much of that two-way are you going to travel before you turn around and realize you have simply left each other behind in the dust? You have grown - he has not. You have matured - he has not. So he is so over come with guilt he cannot get through it? Come on! Has he really realized what devastation he has caused? Is he really sorry? Does he really want to invest any more in this relationship?
You say he is more the 'female' in the relationship and you more the male. I heard long ago when the woman knows the relationship is over they know for a long time but it takes time for the words to come out. Once she does - the deed is done. Men on the other hand can be swayed to stay and try to work it out - they are more impulsive. So which one is he and which one are you? Were you simply fooled into thinking it was really able to be salvaged? Was he really still gone all this time of you trying to work on it and just too chicken S*** to say the words?
I am not saying throw in the towel - I believe in marriage - but I also believe in being totally honest with my emotions and needs and expect my hub to be able to understand and reciprocate. If he cannot and chooses not to over time, even after I beg for it, then I know I can and will survive on my own - do not want to, but COULD.
--- Commercial break: My hub and I go through not going to bed at the same time thing too. Over time it does breakdown the intimacy we feel for each other. I mentioned to him that I do not like that we go to be seperately and where was he that night? In bed with me - where he should be - the rewards were mutual. ---
Marriage - true, marriage - is not selfish, it is a choice to love someone enough to give all you have. He should and must give you what you need - he has to CHOOSE to. You have chosen to do the same for him. How much longer are you going to give him to choose? That is the decision only you can make.
Take care, my prayers are with you and others who are currently making these kinds of choices.
The reply from The Husband (edited just a weensy-bit for clarity):
I would like to despute the response to this post that I have "checked out." Man, there are so many things going on here that you do not understand, and an uneducated statement like that does not take into account the past 10+ years of our marriage and how we have BOTH hurt and disappointed each other many times. It's really not just me, but we both take responsibility for this trainwreck.
It is so easy to point the finger at me, and I guess I understand that. But, unless you have been privy to everything that has transpired, then the comments about me are without full knowledge and, therefore, invalid.I also take issue with me not having grown in this situation. Again, I am an easy target, but to label me as someone who has not grown or improved since the AFFAIR is not accurate and not fair. You have no idea where I am coming from, and the trust I seek from my partner for my repeated (albeit lame) movements towards her do not register as even a blip on the radar. That trust is not there, and me moving towards her with baby steps have gone without support.
I am not all bad. I have serious luggage, and so does she. The bottom line is that I respect her, and that I would chose to remain in counseling to have a third party help us figure this whole thing out.
Things are not cut and dry, and I would never make judgements about anyone if I was not privy of their entire relationship from day one.
Please be careful in what you say.
And, responding to post 3, we BOTH deserve a good life, but God never promises that we will ever be able to attain that. Granted, I wish so much that things could be different, but I also believe in sticking it out and working through the problems, no matter how time-consumming and slow it may be.
Psalms talks about those who "Want, want, want" and emphasizes that we should instead "wait" on the Lord, for He will bring blessings to those who trust in Him and wait.I continue to wait, and I continue to trust in God.
Anyway, your words rang true in some ways. I have always been on the page that if your marriage is not working, then the default is to make it work, or at least tolerable, for the kids, and to stay together.
I will put aside all happiness (or unhappiness) in our marriage to stay together and give our kids a stable home. I respect my wife, and I would prefer to sit through hours and hours of counseling to try and make this all work.
Yes, I had the AFFAIR, and I was totally and completely wrong, no matter what a train-wreck we were before the AFFAIR happened. I am 100% responsible for my infidelity.
But, our issues existed pre-AFFAIR, and we are both having a hard time dealing with the underlinging issues that came before the issues that came before my sin.
Where am I today? I wish that I knew 'cause looking around, there's no sign of you.
I don't remember one jump or one leap, just quiet steps away from your lead.
I'm holding my heart out, but clutching it too. The feeling is short of the love that we once knew.
Calling this a home when it's not even close. Playing the role with nerves left exposed.
Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines. Others have excuses, I have my Reasons Why.
We get distracted by the dreams of our own, but nobody's happy while feeling alone. And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall, we lean another ladder against the wrong wall.
And climb high to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky. While others have excuses, I have my Reasons Why
With so much deception, It's hard not to wander away
A conversation between a woman who's husband cheated (NOT me, ya'll, although I can relate, obviously) and a most-insightful man whose wife cheated. Both couples are attempting to piece the marriage back together, and are having some success. The woman speaks first:
But something still feels wrong.
Yeah. I think it will for a long time. And I think that's a good sign. It means things are different. You don't recognize them, which means there's a level of openness and honesty there that exposes the void and the various destructive attitudes and behaviors both walk-away and left-behind spouses used to fill that void. It's really unpleasant but has to be dealt with. Which is why the "patience and time" mantra is so important despite how frustrating it is. There's nothing much to go back to, there's only forward, but the new stuff isn't there yet, and we only get it by building and doing good things right now.
I need to feel that my husband loves me and is happy that he decided to stay in our marriage.
No offense, but I think it's what you WANT. What you NEED is the truth no matter what. But once you've got the truth, you can better decide what you want and how to get it. And the way to get it is to give it, but give it only when you're strong, because the trick I think is to get strong (independent, detached) but then come back and love them out of our strength because we WANT to. The trick is not making this a test that they can't pass. I probably reacted to my situation 90% wrong and 10% right, and one of the things I did early on (first few days) was to realize that this wasn't about me losing my wife. I had already "lost" her. What I needed to do was "find" myself again, and what I wanted to do was get her back, get us back in a new way. Now, I'm a Christian so for me the only way to "find" myself is to put myself in a right relationship with God. And of course to do that I needed to seek forgiveness for my failures, for my past. In the end, this is really simply about deciding to turn our eyes to the future and walk together whether we always feel like it or not. It's interesting to me that we freak out over our walk-away spouse acting upon their feelings for another person despite their commitment to us...then when they come back, we likewise allow our feelings to dictate our behavior and ruin whatever progress is there. That's normal, I realize, and I think the first sign that our walk-away spouse is serious about things is that they forgive us for that, just as we are forgiving them for what they've done. But it can't go on like that indefinitely and expect the marriage to be healed and rebuilt, just like a marriage can't be healed while an affair is ongoing. That's why I think it's so necessary to let go of the past. Because of our history with our spouses we have all the expectations for reassurance, etc. But the walk-away spouse can't give that cause they don't have it. THEY BAILED ON US! Right or wrong, they may not have much to give anymore, but if they're WILLING to build something new, if we're willing to let go of the past once it's been sufficiently dealt with, then it's all about that. [Name deleted] rightly points out that in the end, assuming our walk-away spouse are willing to recommit 100% and do their part, it's going to be our game to lose. We either just get over it or we don't. There's a great scene from the movie "The Mission" with Robert DeNiro and Jeremy Irons where Irons is a Jesuit missionary in South America in the 1800s(?) and Robert DeNiro is a slave trader. Irons is there to educate and convert the natives and DeNiro is there to round them up and ship them out. DeNiro ends up being converted himself and taking vows. As penance for all the crimes he committed against the natives, they bind up all his armor and weapons in a sack and tie it to his waist, then make him climb a really steep rock mountain with all that weighing him down. It is, of course, an outward symbol of his repentance. He struggles toward the top and when he's finally there and can't seem to get any farther, when it almost seems like the bag of armor is going to make him fall to his death, a native draws his knife and cuts the rope binding the armor to DeNiro's waist. That's forgiveness. Sooner or later that's what we have to do for our walk-away spouses who are repentant and willing to climb back up the mountain with us. And the interesting thing is that by releasing them we're really releasing ourselves, too. In the end, that's what love really is. So far in my life, this is really the hardest thing I've ever had to do because I had to really change who I'd become, just like our walk-away spouses have to. Who I am is partially what got me in this mess, and it's so much easier not to change, just walk away, which I now understand is why so many people do just that only to find themselves in a similar mess later on down the road.
Okay, peeps. There was much emotion in the comments of my Dealbreakers post. While I love and appreciate ya'll getting my back about the bedtime and intimacy issues, not everything is so black and white. I plan to address all those comments in a post tonight or tomorrow, but for now let's enjoy some more insight from the same man in this post whose life post-his wife's affair has really been amazing. Read, grab a little hope, discuss. News at eleven.
It seems to me that failure to succeed in saving a marriage can usually come in two flavors. First, that the walk-away spouse is already too far gone/committed to leaving the marriage. The second, and from my perspective, by far the most common, is the fact that the left-behind spouse is as much a walk-away as the walk-away spouse is...let me explain.
So many times we see people decrying what their spouses did to them and how they just can't seem to get past it, to forgive them their trespasses. They keep saying "But she broke her vows. She f--ked another man" as if that somehow gives then exclusive dominion over the choice to leave the marriage. It's almost like the walk-away spouse flipped a switch, starting an inevitable process that ends in divorce, or at least that's how many left-behind spouses seem to portray their feelings about the situation. They feel that things are irreparable when in fact they are not.
The simple, inescapable fact is that for most, and I stress MOST walk-away spouses, the end of the marriage is at least as justified (and thus the affair) or MORE justified due to the months/years of "broken" vows THEY feel WE broke. Remember, the one about sleeping with another man/woman is not the only vow exchanged although many of us would like to think it is, or at least the most important of them. Many left-behind spouses think it is the most important but when you stack two or three of them together, say loving, honoring, cherishing, in good times and bad, etc. then that one about forsaking all others seems to be out-gunned from the perspective of the walk-away spouse. All of a sudden, for the walk-away spouse, forsaking doesn't seem so bad when you feel unloved, un-cherished and not honored in the least, let alone respected.
Sure, there are your cheaters who cheat just because they can, and for the left-behind spouses of those exceptions to the rule, I doubt anything will be of much help. For the rest, the marriage saving techniques we talk about and try to practice COULD be the difference between two walk-away spouses walking away from each other (because when a left-behind spouse gives up on the marriage, in essence not living up to that vow of "for better or worse", they become a walk-away too) and two people, having made mistakes working toward saving something that was once worth everything in the world to each of them.
I thought of all this when I was shooting a wedding over the weekend and for the 7-8th time in the last two months, I witnessed two people exchanging vows. I heard how each vow seemed to carry weight, and how as each one was said, the bride cried more and more, the groom smiled more and more. Each vow was a piece in their marital puzzle and I sincerely think they meant all of them, not just that one we talk most about here. I saw them ACT like they meant each one as the day went on, as he opened doors for her, as she held him and loved his embrace, as they fed each other at the reception and dedicated songs to one another. I saw such love, honor, cherishing and dedication from each of them that I realized that take any of those components away and it would be noticed by at least one of them, if not both. Something has been taken away in our marriages. We were hurt beyond our ability to express but we CANNOT forget that our spouses were hurt too, probably long before we were and whether we agree or not, they fully believe our transgressions of the pact of marriage, in the form of broken vows, gives them as much right to vacate the marriage as we think their infidelity does us. We are not right any more than they are, nor are we necessarily in more pain than they are. We are simply on the receiving end of the broken vow with the highest visibility and worst PR spin. Bottom line is that you either want to save your marriage or not. You can't control whether your spouse does or not. Obviously they cheated on you, or at least had an emotional affair at this point so they are leaning the other way. You either want to nudge them back your way or the other, it's your choice but please realize that at some point, it IS your choice to make. You HAVE to decide one way or the other because to make no decision, to commit to doing nothing is the worst affront to yourself you can make.
Lastly, and maybe most offensively, that part about them sleeping with another women/man being the deal breaker...sorry to be so rude/crude/heartless but I have never seen so many virgin brides/husbands in my life than those gathered here. Come on people, they slept with people before you and as long as they come back clean (as [name deleted] and others will tell you, get that part confirmed if you can), there really is no difference other than they promised they wouldn't do that after they married you...what did YOU promise them?
I can't say in the end if your efforts will be successful if you do all this stuff, but what I can say is that if you don't decide you want to save your marriage, and commit to doing whatever you can to achieve that goal, you won't be successful in doing so. Just remember this last thing; by choosing to save your marriage, you are really choosing to save yourself first.
I always thought infidelity would be an automatic dealbreaker for me. Game Over. Thanks for playing. Next.
It wasn't. Here's what is: a lack of change post-adultery.
We have changed in how we relate to each other on the roommate level. Everyday household tasks, parenting, finances, etc are all communicated well and done as a team effort for the first time in I-don't-know-how-long, maybe ever. But that doesn't make a marriage, at least not the kind that's healthy and happy for real.
I have changed a lot, I realize there is more to change about myself -FOR myself- not just for a marriage, but my basic CONTENTIOUS nature is GONE. The Husband runs up against NO resistance in his life like before. NOTHING. I mean, I'm no doormat, as ya'll can guess, we do discuss things, but I argued with him and second-guessed everything he did pre-devastation. Everything. It was emasculating, and wrong to do. He has NONE of that now. And he's acknowledged that change in me. So - pat, pat - I will pat my back there, but it's not enough. We haven't met each other's core needs and I don't trust that we ever will.
I'm getting ZERO in my one Dealbreaker area: coming to bed at the same time, and making love. ZERO. He's still saying goodnight to me and going downstairs to all hours. No, there's not porn or any wacky sh!t going on, just a general AVOIDANCE of ME. I cannot tell you how many times I've told him (and also counseling) that this is where the rubber hits the road for me. This unhealthy pattern was going on pre-affair, but even though it made me miserable, I tolerated it. I also thought it was because of his then-highly-demanding job. Well, there's no busy job anymore, but he will now find reasons to keep himself 'needing' to do this or that. Garbage.
I told him post-affair that this is something I will not tolerate anymore (a sexless marriage and a husband who will not come to bed with me at the same time). This is not here and there, ya'll. It's every single night of my recent (and not-so-recent) memory. Actually, I cannot remember the last time he came to bed with me. Maybe when he had the flu last winter? Really, I cannot recall a time. A big fat rejection, lack-of-reassurance, and flat-out disrespectful as if he can't-be-bothered. It hurt before, but after adultery it's an extra special kind of pain. EVERY DAY.
This is the ONE thing I've asked for, the most important thing to me right now and the ONE thing he refuses to do. It's really bigger than the act itself, obviously. It's mostly about REASSURANCE and feeling sought after, pursued. I feel unimportant and I am starving. Somewhat because of the affair, sure, but mostly because I seem to be a man in a chick's body: I feel connected and more open/intimate AFTER sex. The Husband is like the girl, who wants to feel inimate/open BEFORE he's willing to have it. And NOTHING I have done makes him feel open enough, safe enough, to bridge that gap. You know, what-the-fcuk-ever. I'm about done over it. He had plenty of energy to pursue the other woman, but has no desire to pursue me. That is excruciating and I cannot live with that; I cannot even begin to accurately describe how painful it is to live in this vacuum.
And here's part of that extra special kind of pain: when The Husband's affair was ongoing, he would email she-who-shall-not-be-named into the wee hours of the morning. Every night. They complained about their spouses, and voiced their desire to be together so they could make love 24/7. Her husband was downstairs, and The Husband basically wrote What is wrong with him? If I had someone as wonderful as you waiting for me, I would never stay downstairs. This continues to pierce my soul.
I both want him to find someone worth going upstairs to, and me to find the man who finds me worthy to come upstairs.
"To be faithful is to be committed 'in spite of.'...Marriage is the linking of two individuals in a relationship that tests the capacity for fidelity in the most demanding manner." -James M. Wall
I'll marry you true and proper, in love and tenderness.Yes, I'll marry you and neither leave you nor let you go. Hosea 2:19-20 (The Msg)
New York, London, Paris, Munich: Everybody Talk About, mmm, Pop Music
[2011 Summer of deletion/reposting note: Y'all who have been hanging out on my street corner here in Stepford from 2006-2011 know that I cringe reposting this entry, and why. Ah, the righteously indignant. The few, the proud, the future hyprocrites]
Okay, I'm p*ssed. Consider yourself warned. Ya'll know, in light of the last year of my life, I HATE/LOATHE/DETEST [insert synonyms here] how glamorous the media portrays infidelity. I've mentioned it several times. Oh, the excitement and titilation of secret love with your newest 'soulmate'. Puh-leez. Absolutely, without question, a complete load of sh!t.
Here's the newest slice of hell brought to you from the Adultery-as-Magic culture we live in: I am riding along in my automobile. Listening to the radio, lalala. Song comes on. Sounds good. Like the tune. Words seem good...Then - BAM! - what the fcuk am I listening to? I almost ran into a ditch in my white-hot rage. Let me present to you the P.O.S. song I'm speaking of. You know it. It's #4 in the iTunes most downloaded tracks for this week, for the love of God. I am furious at this song, yes, we all know why. It's way too close to home. But dammit, people, does it have to be so COOL to cheat? So casual to talk about, sing about, watch on the screen? Make it number-fcuking-four on iTunes?
Honey, why are you calling me so late? It's kinda hard to talk right now. Honey, why are you crying - is everything okay? I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud.
Well, my girl's in the next room, Sometimes I wish she was you. I guess we never really moved on It's really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel.
Hearing those words it makes me weak, And I never wanna say goodbye. But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful...With the lips of an angel.
It's funny that you're calling me tonight. And, yes, I've dreamt of you too. And does he know you're talking to me? Will it start a fight? No, I don't think she has a clue.
Well my girl's in the next room, Sometimes I wish she was you. I guess we never really moved on It's really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet, Coming from the lips of an angel.
Hearing those wordsa it makes me weak, And I never wanna say goodbye. But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful...With the lips of an angel. -Lips of an Angel, Hinder
Hinder. Yeah, they're hindering something all right. The TRUTH. This sh!t hurts, it's not magical. It RUINS lives. The Husband would tell you the same, I'd venture to guess. Man, this song has got me LIVID. Way way way way too close to home, these lyrics. oh, and mr. songwriter? she has a fcuking clue, I promise you. I want to run around in cyberspace screaming and stomping my feet about it. Oh, guess I am, that.
This is from a man whose wife had an affair. They have two small children and never separated, yet she was unfaithful while living at home - as he tried not to lose his mind. He made the hard decision to seek counseling, work on his own issues to become a better person, and hope she would stop the affair and choose him. She eventually did, but it took many months of backsliding and frustration and working on himself to get to where they are now in this post below. After following his situation for months, knowing of the issues in their marriage that led to the affair and the problems they've had since, I was really moved by what he wrote, to the point that I cried in happiness/relief for him, and with hope and desire for this to happen in my own life. He gave me permission to share it with ya'll.
Last night I guess you could say we consummated the consummation of our reconciliation and this time I am left without a "I won't believe it until..." -like I was after the first time we made love in almost a year. Something fundamental shifted in our relationship last night and while it started in the bedroom, I KNOW it will have lasting impact on our entire relationship.I will try not to be too graphic but I have gone back and forth with [name deleted] and others about my intimacy issues. Well, last night, and that night two weeks or so ago, I began to learn that I didn't used to have intimacy issues... I SIMPLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT INTIMACY EVEN WAS!!!!
I do not know this woman who is my wife, and that's at once scary as hell and exhilarating. What I first experienced a couple weeks ago, and then again last night, (to the Nth degree) was intimacy incarnate. I am learning so many things about myself and my wife through all this and one thing that keeps coming to mind is that statement that I made pretty early on that I would not take all this back if I could. If things are going to be like this, I could not have been more right.
NO, having an affair is not the path to marital bliss but then again, if my wife had not taken the extreme step towards leaving our marriage, I surely would not have gone through what I did, nor ended up where I am, a changed man full of wonder at the mystery of male/female relationships. I will NEVER condone what she did but I will also never portray it as the ultimate evil, devoid of ANY positive merit, that garners so much anger from most left-behind spouses.
As I have said before, maybe in a different way, it's not usually the affair that ends the marriage, it's the left-behind spouse's inability to control the anger long enough to move forward that does. The blame for the rift belongs squarely on the walk-away spouse, but the blame for it's enlargement often falls on us, the cheated on. Getting past that was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but so entirely necessary for my own personal growth.
My wife told me through all the talks we had during the bad times that what was lacking between us was passion and intimacy. She was right of course, but wrong in that it could never be passionate or intimate between us. She thought it was just something that happened. I know better, or should I say, through my reading and you all, I learned to know better.
What I found out last night was just how passionless and lacking in intimacy sex could be. I learned that because what I experienced last night was such a "togetherness" beyond anything I have ever had, with anyone, especially my wife, and that hurts to say.
She was open, direct and we actually talked during, something we NEVER did before. She asked for what she wanted and I did, too. We did for each other in a way that we never did before. I found out that this other woman lives in my wife's body and I think it's possible the other man may have brought her out, but I don't really give a damn because all I care about is building on this experience and growing together. I truly think we started down that path last night. My wife must have learned a lot about herself in all this, and now she's starting to realize that she can use that knowledge to make her life with me better. She HAS to know I might think it comes from her "passionate" (her words) experiences with him but she took the risk to open up to me last night and I welcomed it totally. It was so funny/sweet/sexy to see/hear her take baby steps, almost as if she were saying "Ok, let me try this and see what he does" but totally afraid that I would shriek with terror and run out of the room. Clearly I did not and that must have felt so good to her, so safe. I think that's what she never felt with me before and I think it's because I never acted like I was safe with her, willing to risk being open myself.
I hate to go on but I just want to make the point for some people who may question my apparent lack of anger over the affair, or wonder how I have the perspective I do. I have it because I knew that this held the answers for me. I knew that there were things wrong with our marriage that could be addressed, and that the other man was only a symptom. I also knew that there was a side of my wife, filled with passion and lust for romance, that was going totally untapped in our marriage and I wanted, NEEDED to learn more about that.
Could I have just lashed out and let my anger, that WAS there in large doses, consume me? Yep, and sometimes I did, but ALWAYS there was the idea in my head that the ultimate goal was to have a stronger, lasting marriage built on the idea that change HAD to occur in order for there to be any future between us.
I just never imagined that all of what was lacking FROM MY PERSPECTIVE (remember, us left-behind spouses are behind the curve when it comes to figuring out that the marriage sucks for us, too) was stirring under the surface of my wife and all I had to do was learn to take risks, REAL emotional risks (thank you SO much [name deleted] for this) and just go for what I wanted.
All along, what I wanted and what my wife wanted was the same thing. We just lacked the communication skills to express that and now, having gone through all this, neither of us are willing to just sit back and let any aspect of our marriage happen without our active participation (of course in all honesty, this has been 99% me until recently, but now I think my wife is starting to "get it" more and more).
Last night I did what [name deleted] told me to do months ago. I "took" my wife and while I am no expert on the validity of the female sexual experience, I would have to say she liked it a LOT. She turned into this person, this intensely sexual person, that I never imagined existed. It was amazing, it really was.
I guess at this point, I have to feel pretty lucky. I know I have it good all things considered but there is still a lot of work to do and that won't change, well, ever. Marriage is work and now I think I understand that the best marriages are also the marriages where the couple works the hardest. Coasting, through the good times OR the bad times - expecting that emotion, circumstance, or fate will intervene and keep things going - is a recipe for failure.I have not succeeded yet but I do think that I can honestly say that reconciliation has begun in earnest and not just because of last night.
We argue now and then make up. We disagree and it doesn't ruin the day. I don't give in to her and she doesn't resent me for it. We have our ongoing issues for sure and many of you know all about them, but I think as the lines of communication open up, and yes, they are opening up in the bedroom and staying open out of it, our other issues are feeling less important, less "big" in the grand scheme of things.
My wife never did use the word 'divorce' once in all this mess but in my head, it was always where we could have ended up.
