Send some rain, would You send some rain? 'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again And the sun is high, and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud? Let the sky grow black, and send some mercy down Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today Maybe You'll provide in other ways And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You With gratitude For lessons learned in how to thirst for You How to bless the very sun that warms our face, If You never send us rain
Daily bread, give us daily bread Bless our bodies, keep our children fed Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today Maybe You'll provide in other ways And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You With gratitude A lesson learned to hunger after You That a starry sky offers a better view, if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread
Oh, the differences that often are between What we want, and what we really need
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace Move our hearts to hear a single beat Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today Peace might be another world away And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You With gratitude For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream In abundance or in need And if You never grant us peace...
I wanna go wallking with you If you'd agree I wanna do some talking with you Where no one can see
I wanna go dancing darling If you agree I think I'll feel a safe step darling If you were with me
And when you wrap your arms around me When you take me close and say That you're so happy and so glad you found me You take my rainy days and make them go away
Long time I've been thinking of you Do you think of me too? Long time I've been dreaming of you Make this dream come true
Long time I've been wondering about this Can this really exist I think I feel a peaceful feeling In the warmth of your kiss
And when you wrap your arms around me When you take me close and say That you're so happy and so glad you found me You take my rainy days and make them go away
On this journey may the good lord guide us And may the goddess dance beside us
And when you wrap your arms around me When you take me close and say That you're so happy and so glad you found me You take my rainy days and make them go away
More sweet little quotes from The Vault that needed a place. And a gingerbread house from two years ago...
Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, love more, and all good things will be yours. -Swedish Proverb
Every Christian family ought to be a little church, consecrated to Christ, and wholly influenced and governed by His rule. -Jonathan Edwards
Ironically, the latest song by Sarah M, my bittersweet old friend:
You walk on by Clueless and so high Following your aimless path away from us
You're so far away And what can I say Cause I can't be the one you wanted me to be
So tell me how do you feel It's so confusing If you let it all go, it'll fall apart Do you want me to stay and say I still want you You want me too, don't you?
So what are we saying Our eden's a failure A made-up story to fit the picture-perfect world The one with "I do"s and "I love you" And "we are made for each other" Is Forever over now?
And tell me how do you feel It's so confusing If you let it all go, it'll fall apart Do you want me to stay and say I still want you You want me too, don't you?
I hope there's forgiveness In the distance between us Can we make what lies ahead of us a better place to be?
So tell me, how do you feel It's so confusing If you let it all go, it'll fall --- Do you want me to stay and say I still want you You want me too, don't you?
Original date of this draft: September 15, 2007 This is a sweet hymn. One of my favorite books, Redeeming Love, is based on this story in the bible. A beautiful love story of true forgiveness and real love.
HOSEA
Come back to me with all your heart, don't let fear keep us apart. Trees do bend, tho' straight and tall; so must we to others' call.
Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living deeply our new life.
The wilderness will lead you to your heart where I will speak. Integrity and justice with tenderness you shall know.
Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living deeply our new life.
You shall sleep secure with peace; faithfulness will be your joy.
Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living deeply our new life
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. -Theodore Hesburgh
His mom leaned on him for emotional support. So, to this guy, "love" felt heavy and burdensome. He couldn't help it. Love was a weight to be carried, a responsibiity to be endured. Getting closer to his girlfriend didn't make him feel playful, spontaneous, and erotic... it made him feel like he was entering a maximum security prison. -Esther Perel, author, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic
“Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when every one has to throw off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it? I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not reveal itself;... In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.” -Soren Kierkegaard, fcuking brilliant man
Found in Drafts: dated April 28, 2007 (my birthday, interestingly enough. a very, very bad birthday).
Try to see it my way, Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on? While you see it your way, Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone. We can work it out, We can work it out.
Think of what you're saying. You can get it wrong and still you think that it's all right. Think of what I'm saying, We can work it out and get it straight, or say good night. We can work it out, We can work it out.
Life is very short, and there's no time For fussing and fighting, my friend. I have always thought that it's a crime, So I will ask you once again:
Try to see it my way, Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong. While you see it your way There's a chance that we might fall apart before too long. We can work it out, We can work it out.
There is this HUGE post in my Draft folder where I've just thrown things I have found. Like an enormous junk room in the corner of the house, I've tucked away lots of quotes and other people's stories.
So, I'm pulling them out of the corner one at a time, dusting them off and seeing what goes where on the display floor. These boxes have been accumulating in the room since 2006, so I have no idea of exact dates when found.
Here's a story from someone else's life that I kept here. Which, at the time I found it, certainly spoke to me.
Probably because I wanted somebody, anybody, to say this to The Husband and for him to Get It.
**Oh, and I realize that this may garner the same kind of dustup that Dealbreakers did two years ago, but you know? It is what it is. And I still feel the exact same way I did back then. About this topic in particular. So, shoot me.
"We went to our counselor and discussed this for the first time last Mon. Our counselor point blank told my husband that 'her needs are her needs and your job is to meet them. If you can't, then your job as a man is to admit this and let her go so she can be happy.'
I was surprised to hear him say this as my husband has had some health probs and surgery. I told him that I could wait 6 months to see an improvement, but needed to know our physical relationship is a priority. His response was 'Six months? That's too long to wait. Let's say three'. Then he asked my husband if he loved me, desired me and wanted to be married to me. Husband said yes and our counselor said 'then what's your plan for meeting her sexual needs on a regular basis? That's what it's going to take to keep her as your wife.'
I could tell that Husband was on the spot, but being told straight out that there's no excuse for not meeting your spouse's needs for intimacy and sex might work. Time will tell if it will work long term or not. We've been intimate every night since and Husband seems to have really enjoyed it.
Counselor also told him that I shouldn't have to mention it, ask for it, or remind him. That a good husband makes sure his wife is smiling if it's at all possible. I think there was something about another man telling him that he has a beautiful, intelligent wife that struck a nerve. He also told Husband that I'm asking for the bare minimum, nothing big, and that as a husband, he should be able to do the "easy stuff" to make me happy. He asked if performance is an issue and said if it is, there are things you can do. He told Husband to not wait until he feels like doing it.. to just DO IT and not think too much about it.
The only thing he told me is that I need to accept that my husband's needs are different than mine. He said that Husband has agreed to meet my needs for intimacy and sex and I can't now start criticising his efforts.. such as coming back saying that it's not passionate enough, or I feel like he's going through the motions, etc.
He said it's up to him to get it going and up to me to encourage the passion.
He's a behavioral therapist and doesn't spend a lot of time mulling over the past or why feelings are holding us back. For most things he recommends that we change our actions to what we need/want them to be, create new habits. If the feelings don't follow, then it's time to discover what's holding us back.
It's been wonderfully different from other counselor we've had. He encourages goal setting and action rather than analysis and what he calls 'excuse making that leads nowhere.'
So, telling Husband that he should meet my needs if he wants to keep this marriage allows him to decide what he wants. His actions will communicate his choice. It's fruitless to keep asking and get stuck when someone's actions show their decision.
He said this is when people get stuck because they keep trying and trying and getting the same answer (communicated by actions), yet they refuse to accept it. We get stuck and stop living because we want someone else to change, take responsiblity for our happiness, and blame them if they refuse.
Our sex should not be just going through the motions. It might be at first, but as the 'doing' generates feelings, we'll be more comfortable expressing our passion. We're fortunate in that when we do have sex, it's good and not just going through the motions. The prob with us is frequency. He questioned Husband quite a bit about his motivations for being married to me and his feelings for me.
He said that Husband's actions will tell the story over the next few months. The doing it will bring the answers. We'll either form a new habit of continued intimacy or discover that there's a roadblock. If there's a roadblock then the counselor will help us weed that out and deal with it.
He says that analyzing up front takes so much time and sometimes it really is just that people are stuck and thinking too much. Sometimes we discover through the doing that our fears and inhibitions were holding us back needlessly. We think we can't move beyond them, but when we try it's easier than we thought at first... by then we're enjoying the payoff and choose not to pick those fears and inhibitions back up.
As I said just yesterday, people come to Stepford at times by way of Google.
I think the top search in recent months is "the ideal marriage" - which makes me sad for the people on such a quest that land here. Just had another one of those searchers do a drive-by last night.
Ya'll, this is so funny to me I have to share it with you.
In the last week or so, there have been many visitors to Stepford who came solely by googling "pushing an elephant up the stairs." Which, as you may recall, are part of the lyrics of an R.E.M. song posted here last year.
But still. People. Multiple. Needing info on pushing said elephant up stairs.
Made me giggle. Ya'll watch out for that piano, too.
I love this song so much I could marry it. And this is NOT a draft; this is real-time lyrics, baby.
Any minute now my ship is coming in I'll keep checking the horizon And I'll stand on the bow And feel the waves come crashing Come crashing down, down, down on me
And you said,"Be still, my love Open up your heart Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand? I already have a plan I'm waiting for my real life to begin
When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened But in my dreams I slew the dragon And down this beaten path And up this cobbled lane I'm walking in my own footsteps once again
And you say,"Just be here now Forget about the past Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice I know that I can win I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Any minute now my ship is coming in I'll keep checking the horizon And I'll check my machine There's sure to be that call It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon It's just that times are lean
And you say,"Be still, my love Open up your heart Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand? I already have a plan I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Original date of this Draft: November 15, 2007 - almost a year to the day. Still love this song. Still irrelevant in this house. Still a shame.
I've kept this song in the back pocket of my heart for almost two years. Still waiting to pull it out and make it real:
When it was over and they could talk about it She said "there's just one thing I have got to know: What in that moment when you were running so hard and fast, Made you stop and turn for home?"
He said "I always knew you loved me, even though I'd broken your heart I always knew there'd be a place for me to make a brand new start"
Oh love wash over a multitude of things Make us whole
When it was over and they could talk about it, They were sitting on the couch. She said "what on earth made you stay here, When you finally figured out what I was all about?" He said "I always knew you'd do the right thing, Even though it might take some time" She said, "Yeah, I felt that and that's probably what saved my life"
Oh love wash over a multitude of things Make us whole
There is a love that never fails There is a healing that always prevails There is a hope that whispers a vow A promise to wait while we're working it out
So come with Your love and wash over us
Love wash over a multitude of things Jesus, save us from a multitude of things Make us whole
A promise to wait A promise to stay So come with Your love and wash over us
More "Cleaning Out My Closet" as Eminem would say... This draft is from September 23, 2007. Had forgotten all about it.
Good heavens, complications abound: The very non-linear process of grieving my mother coupled with having to retain my own attorney to force my mother's husband, that selfish child rapist, to do the right thing by his late wife's daughter (moi) as the will indicates.
The process of finding an attorney out of state, and telling my story to 4 different lawyers on the way to the right one. That was tough - but I did it.
While that doesn't sound big, I am proud of myself. I'm never going to speak to that bad man again, and I'm hoping to get some justice - but it will likely not be easy. Because let's face it, it's me, and most things are hard-won in my corner of the world.
But, having a week with my mother at the end of her life was a gift toward resolution. She knew I was there, and she was happy to see me. And I would not have been anywhere else. I lived at the hospital. God orchestrated so many things that week to reassure me of His presence and healing in the midst of a horror show externally. I am so blessed to have had that time. Many people don't have even that small chance to repair a family bond; God knew I needed to have that if it was her time to die. Otherwise, I would be living under a cinderblock of guilt. I already have some, thank you, but it's much less now.
Lawsuit with the Bad Man was settled in February 2008. The Husband went down there to take care of the details for me, and to confront the Bad Man [who did NOT do right by me, as the Will indicates. Small percentage of what was owed me. But fcuk it. I never have to speak with him again]. He's so great in a crisis of circumstance, The Husband (as I know I've said before) - and he wanted to protect me from this fallout. I will always be grateful to him for helping me through my father's death in 2001 as well my mother's.
Public gratitude all around from this Orphaned Adult.
Yet another draft half-finished from January 5, 2008. God, I am so glad this isn't going to be the rest of my life. Period. Happy New Year.
yeah, really? well, no. not so much at this time. but there's always tomorrow, right?
like maybe ... maybe my husband will come to bed and face me, give me a foot, or dare we hope? a hug of some sort.
i cleaned the basement a week ago while he was out of town, it was a surprise. I worked on it for about 12 hours during the onset of a nasty headcold. I was quite pleased with the outcome, and fantasized that i would get a passionate kiss in response. (he does appreciate a clean and re-organized room, but apparently would not go so far as to kiss me over it.)
perhaps he will look up with a smile - or look up. at. all. - when I come into a room? um, no. thanks for playing
will he put an arm around me while we're on the sofa? well, no. he would have to be Plastic Man to reach that far. and yet he snuggles up on the sofa with our children daily. seeks them out to kiss them hello or goodbye, walking past me to do it.
2007 came and went without a real kiss, a sexual/sensual act of any sort, or even the touch of any private parts of female/male anatomy. and i thought 2006 was bad? I'm such an optimistic idiot, and it's slowly dawning on me how and why that is. Actually just the how; no clue on the why. This marriage has been difficult from the get-go, mostly. The bestest and yummiest part of our relationship was long, long ago. So much between Then and Now makes me cringe to think of it. Fault on both sides, yadda yadda.
I'm clearing out the Drafts Folder. Time to move on. On a multitude of levels.
More on that another day (not now, but soon). So you'll be getting a lot of insights and then I'll jump back in and give you some scoop. Good? Good.
First up: a great insight by NOT ME, to clarify. Loved this. And I now on some level do believe it:
"When I finally left my marriage and got divorced, and I went in and talked to my shrink about it... he said to me....'Your marriage did not fail out of a lack of love. Your marriage failed because of a lack of problem-solving skills. Love is a wonderful thing. But marriage does not operate on love. It is like any business, and it pisses people off to know it. But it's true.
Find a person with whom you can solve problems. Not the guy who rocks your world. If you can solve problems, you will find a way to rock one anothers' worlds. If you work together to solve problems, you trust one another. And that is the baseline for good sex. Trust. That is the base line for enduring love. Trust. And the base line of trust is the ability to solve problems together.'" -wise internet sage
Next, seriously good:
You validate people's lives by your attention. -Author Unknown
Finally, another blogger recently announced the happy news of her engagement online. One of the commenters left this good wish. Ya'll. Seriously, I could have written this. It Rocks The House. This is what I want and what I will have. Again, not now but soon. [all emphasis below, mine]
"Perhaps. Even so, I wish for you this...... that you'll begin and end every single day with a deep, meaningful kiss that reminds you both how much you dig each other.... that you'll save the best of yourselves for each other and let the rest of the world take you however you manage to show up.... that the asset you tend to most often and with the most care is your family, however you come to define it.... and that as, your relationship grows and changes, you'll never forget how you felt the day you said 'Yes, I will marry you.' "
