"You will find, as you look back upon your life, that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love." -Henry Drummond
The Husband and I sought marital counseling while still in the middle of his affair/adultery/relationship. This therapy was really under the guise of getting help for me alone, and I invited him to come with me. And, to my great surprise, he did.
Initially I think he was coming along to make sure I didn't bullsh!t the counselor about anything. I can put on what The Husband calls The Beauty Queen and be charming, self-effacing, somewhat forthcoming, but yet not really dig deep and expose anything Too Real and/or Too Ugly about myself. Trust me. I've been to numerous (numerous!) therapists over the years. Take a number, sir. You're next on my scheduled Bus Tour of Childhood Pain. No detours or back alleys. We are stopping only at the key locations on my cute little tri-fold glossy brochure, nowhere else. Please take a seat.
I think he imagined himself to be my personal Quality Control Officer while there. Whatever the reason, I was just grateful he had set foot in any therapist's office with me.
Sadly, our first highly-recommended counselor dude, a/k/a Thing 1, pretty much sucked. We took the Big Leap into therapy, only to find they didn't fill the pool with water. Cue comic book sound effects. :::BAM!:::
To his credit, we were introduced to the Rob Bell Videos there, which was almost worth the wasted time. Almost. These 11-minute DVDs rock, ya'll. I think my favorite video was Flame. But be sure to click on Rain, too. Also excellent, it's a close second for me. And The Husband's favorite. So well done.
Anyway, Thing 1 had a little Cheat Sheet (pardon the pun. ha!) that he used for each client. He was booked solid every day of the week and spent no time in between appointments to regroup or take notes. He'd just escort one out and call another in. He spent the first 15 minutes of each session just re-learning who the hell we were. And we were seeing him twice a week. For two months. You wouldn't think it would be so difficult to remember us, for pete's sake. And he would yawn in the middle of our sessions. I mean, gosh, how could this drama bore you, man. Overextended, anyone? I think at some point, this practice's reputation was good for a reason -and then they just overbooked themselves to the point of being overwhelmed and ineffective.
So, after about two months of this crap (which included begging childcare 2 days a week and driving one hour each way, I turned to The Husband and said, "I don't think we're getting anywhere, do you?" At this point the infidelity had ended for him, and we had been going to therapy together as well as separately. Poor guy: he said "NO!" with such a sense of relief. I think he was afraid to say anything negative about counseling as to be perceived as being difficult, or not willing to work on things.
So, we dropped Thing 1 like a bad habit, and spent several months trying to figure out what the hell do we do now?.
More on some differences between Thing 1 and Thing 2 to come.
[2011 Summer of deletion/reposting note: I have no HTML in these archived posts, so the actual audio player I speak of below is lost to the ages, no music embedded in these lyrical gangsta posts any longer. Yet to be historically accurate, I kept all the original stuff I said]
Woot! I am such a dork for being this excited about conquering-the-code, but I went back and put players on some of the blog posts that have song lyrics so you can listen, too, while you read.
My personal angst and self-discovery, set to music:
06 Aug 2006 Baker Baker
15 Sept 2006 Headlock
20 Sept 2006 A Murder of One
I'm still hunting out the old posts with lyrics and making a list of songs to upload. If you know of some free spots to upload music files, let me know! I'm getting low on the freebie account of hddweb.com I found.
2 Timothy 2:24-26 (The Message)
Run away from infantile indulgence. Run after mature righteousness-faith, love, peace-joining those who are in honest and serious prayer before God. Refuse to get involved in inane discussions; they always end up in fights. God's servant must not be argumentative, but a gentle listener and a teacher who keeps cool, working firmly but patiently with those who refuse to obey.
You never know how or when God might sober them up with a change of heart and a turning to the truth, enabling them to escape the Devil's trap, where they are caught and held captive, forced to run his errands.
1 Peter 5:8-11 (The Message)
He Gets the Last Word Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You're not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It's the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ-eternal and glorious plans they are!-will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does.
[2011 Summer of deletion/reposting note: I have no HTML in these archived posts, so the actual audio player I speak of below is lost to the ages, no music embedded in these lyrical gangsta posts any longer. Yet to be historically accurate, I kept all the original stuff I said]
DUDE! I have figured out how to add the music to the songs I'm always lyricalling (a new AIS word) - hours of research and trial and error, but what's a few hours between friends? Let me know if you like this option, or not so much.
Oh, I've
Done so many things wrong,
I don't know if I can do right.
At this point in my life,
I've done so many things wrong,
I don't know if I can do right.
If you put your trust in me,
I hope I won't let you down.
If you give me a chance, I'll try.
You see it's been a hard road,
the road I'm traveling on.
And if I take your hand,
I might lead you down the path to ruin.
I've had a hard life.
I'm just saying it so you'll understand,
That right now, right now, I'm doing the best I can,
At this point in my life.
Although I've mostly walked in the shadows,
I'm still searching for the light.
Won't you put your faith in me?
We both know that's what matters.
If you give me a chance, I'll try.
You see, I've been climbing stairs,
but mostly stumbling down.
I've been reaching high,
always losing ground.
You see I've conquered hills,
but I still have mountains to climb.
And right now, right now,
I'm doing the best I can,
At this point in my life.
Before we take a step,
Before we walk down that path,
Before I make any promises,
Before you have regrets,
Before we talk commitment,
Let me tell you of my past.
All I've seen, and all I've done,
The things I'd like to forget.
At this point in my life,
I'd like to live as if only love mattered,
As if redemption was in sight.
As if the search to live honestly,
Is all that anyone needs,
No matter if you find it.
You see when I've touched the sky,
The earth's gravity has pulled me down.
But now I've reconciled that in this world
Birds and angels get the wings to fly.
If you can believe in this heart of mine,
If you can give it a try,
Then I'll reach inside, and find and give you
All the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life.
There are the moments I have thought, I deserve so much more than this, don't I? I need someone who will not waste me. As in, "Look at all this good, fresh produce here; seems a shame to waste it." Wasted, ya'll. For years.
And I know it was mutual, in different areas. We are both good, kind, charming, attractive, strongwilled -yet damaged- people who didn't get the memo on making the other's needs top priority above all else, forsaking all others (people, places, and distractions).
For me, this is not about SEX per se, this is about sexual fulfilment which is way beyond just sex. People tend to put too much focus on just the orgasm. In good sex, it is about everything. Most importantly, sex is communication between two people. Most of the important aspects of sex can NOT be experienced when going solo. It is the WHY you have sex that is truly important, not the HOW you have sex. While the term making love is not as exciting and enticing as the word 'sex', it's far more exciting as a verb. It's the whole enchilada, not just the basics.
In true passionate sex, it is a deeply emotional experience, it is crucial to well being, and it can not be acheived in any other way. In effect, there is no substitute for it.
What I am missing is about much more than friction + time = orgasm
Blue morning, blue morning, Wrapped in strands of fist and bone Curiosity, Kitten, doesn't have to mean you're on your own
Cuz you can look ouside your window He doesn't have to know We can just talk awhile, baby, We can take it nice and slow.
All your life is such a shame, shame, shame All your love is just a dream, dream, dream
Are you happy where you're sleeping? Does he keep you safe and warm? Does he tell you when you're sorry? Does he tell you when you're wrong?
I've been watching you for hours It's been years since we were born We were perfect when we started I've been wondering where we've gone
What went wrong
All your life is such a shame, shame, shame All your love is just a dream, dream, dream
I dreamt I saw you walking up a hillside in the snow Casting shadows way up on that winter sky as you stood there counting crows: One for sorrow Two for joy Three for girls and four for boys Five for silver Six for gold
...and Seven for a secret, never to be told
There's a bird that nests inside you Sleeping underneath your skin I said when you open up your wings to speak I wish you'd let me in
All your life is such a shame, shame, shame
Get the hell up
All your love is just a dream, dream, dream Open up your eyes You can see the flames, flames, flames of your wasted life
You should be ashamed, ashamed, ashamed You dont wanna waste your life
My world of the past 6+ years was part-n-parcel of the Stay-at-Home-Mommy (SAHM) Universe, which consists of-total sleep deprivation accompanied by babies, toddlers, and preschoolers-park swings, Walmart, & grocery stores ad nauseum -babysitters not for date nights, but in order to go to my own doctors' appointments or get a dang haircut- conversations with other mommies on such world-stopping topics as colic, teething, potty training, and the like.
Scant adult interaction and certainly no men in my orbit. My own husband was barely in my orbit, with his work demands and travel schedule.
Things are different now.
Since last December, the gym workouts have kept me sane and I am there as often as possible. I have returned to work full-time and interact with adults in my world regularly.
This world includes men.
Successful, intelligent, and sometimes quite attractive men.
I have often said that I would have probably been the one in our marriage to cheat if opportunity had knocked on my door first. I was the spouse with the higher sex drive (I thought). I was feeling ignored by/unattractive to/disconnected from my own husband. I was lonely, and it seemed that if anyone was going to 'step out' it would have been me.
But honestly, when it comes right down to it, I have no idea if I would have or not. I talk a big game, but I never stopped loving my husband...no matter how poorly I was doing (or still do) it. Every fantasy I had was about him. Everything I wanted in a relationship, I wanted with him and no one else. In the rare times when we discussed our dissatisfaction, I would tell The Husband that very hope: "Everything I want, I want it with You"
I actually asked him (many months before it was a possibility/reality) if he was having an affair. Boy, did that p*ss him off. How could you ask me something like that? You must not know me at all.
You work out every day. You're fit and good looking, I told him. You stay up late every night. You never come to bed with me. You're not giving it to me, are you giving it to somebody else?
P*ssed. Off.
He grabbed his package through his jeans. We were standing in the kitchen. This is yours, he said. No one else's. And yet I continued without it. But still, he was faithful.
Until he wasn't.
And now I am aware of the circumstances that could make it so. I don't want any of the men who seem attracted to me and flirt on a regular basis.
I want the one who isn't and doesn't. I always have, dammit.
Sure, it's flattering. Hello? I've been starving for male attention for well over half a decade. And they consider me attractive and intelligent and fun. Because I am. I already knew that, but it got lost some years ago. It's validating on some level, but none of them are, or could ever be, the man of my dreams. I already met him ten years ago.
I pray he will remember why and how he was so crazy about me at one time and his heart will feel wide-open in love with me again. I pray my heart will be transformed into a safe place for him to move toward.
[These are not my original words, but it sure is my prayer, too.]
Lord, I come before you again in the Name of Jesus with praise and thanksgiving for the many blessings You have already given to me & my family. Forgive me for the times I have taken Your grace and mercy for granted.Your Word still tells me that if I confess my sins to You, You are faithful and just to forgive me (1John 1:9).
I have stood before You lately with a brand new laundry list and I just thank You once again for opening my eyes and revealing to me my many shortcomings. Lord, I am truly grateful even for the times you let me fall flat on my face because I know a lesson will be borne out of it in the end.
You still know better than I do the ways in which I have failed in my marriage and You also know the ways I have failed in my stand. I'm asking You once again to take control. And I ask You to forgive me for taking it back after I turned it over to You the first time.I am once again placing my marriage and my family at the foot of the cross. Jesus, where my eyes can see no way I still know that YOU are THE Waymaker.
Where I see no signs of healing, I still know that YOU are THE Healer. Where I can see only destruction, I know You see an opportunity for reconstruction. Lord, I DO STILL BELIEVE that where love has died You can create a new, stronger love. I believe that through You, forgiveness CAN be found. And I believe that ALL hope is found in YOU and so I no longer pray that my husband's heart will be turned to me, but that it will be turned to YOU. Lord I am really out of devices, strategies and 'brilliant plans' that fail.
I get it.I can not do this. Only You can save this marriage.
I KNOW that it IS Your will and so my prayer is now simply:Your will be done.
Used to be my favorite time of year, Fall. The air grows colder and tastes like a peppermint stick when you inhale. The chilly gasp of possibility.
I fell 'in like' in September/October of my 10th grade year with an 11th grader named Richard. We did the flirt-in-the-parking-lot thing, went on a hayride, he played snare drums in the band, I was a cheerleader. Varsity football: away or home games every Friday night. He kissed me under the bleachers (and I love me some kissing, ya'll). Ah, Fall.
The cold air is creeping back into our early morning/late night hours here in Stepford. And it makes me uncomfortable. Because the last time the weather was cold, so was my marriage. The adultery was on its way and then continued into the winter. It also ended in the winter, and we are still trying to thaw our relationship.
Could this be any harder? I sometimes think, discouraged.
Yes, Virginia, it could. The Husband was done, ya'll. Believed himself wildly in love with another, and I came THIS close to changing the locks on my house on more than one occasion. He was bringing this woman in my house via email and phone lines. Every night (and many days). For hours. Like a vampire, he was up all night with her and slept all day until he could "meet" her the next night. In a fit of uncontrolled frustration, I said you might as well fly her here and fcuk her in our son's bed while you're at it. I handled many things poorly, not just The Husband. And still God had mercy on us.
Some days progress is only seen by looking back.
I thought I would have to shlep my children from Stepford to Immoralville, where there are no good hotels and it's always foggy. He expected me to move there, children in tow, living in separate residences to be near him. So he could be near Her. Never mind that the children would be leaving every stable factor in life they'd known in order to live on DaddyDoesn'tLoveMommy Island. That is proof right there that alien pod people are kidnapping otherwise rational human beings on a daily basis. Fortunately for me, they spit him back out from the mother ship.
Cold? Wind chill in the negative numbers. No wonder it's taking so long to thaw, when I think about it. No wonder the chilly weather is causing me discomfort.
Distant flickering, Greener scenery, This weather's bringing it all back again.
Great adventures, Faces and condensation, I'm going outside and take it all in.
You say too late to start -got your heart in a headlock, I don't believe any of it. You say too late to start with your heart in a headlock, You know you're better than this.
We're a different pair, Just something out of step, Throw a stranger an unexpected smile.
With big intention, Still posted at your station, Always on about the day it should have flown.
You say too late to start -got your heart in a headlock, I don't believe any of it. You say too late to start with your heart in a headlock, You know you're better than this.
You've been walking, You've been hiding, And you look half-dead half the time. Monitoring you, like machines do, You've still got it I'm just keeping an eye.
Here is more of The Husband: Live and Uncensored. If you missed the start of his story, I've started a section in the Sidebar to place his posts. Now anyone can jump aboard and catch up quickly. Tell your friends and neighbors.
I'm sorry to leave the story hanging for nearly a month. I have wanted to continue but have had my energy diverted to other things. I didn't want to cough up another entry until I felt I had the time to say what needed to be said.
Looking back, among other personal dysfunctions, I was unable to develop boundaries with women who were not my wife. Meaning, I was willing to talk to any female about anything, and even asked questions about things that, unknowingly, drew me too close to the fire.
So, as with anyone (male or female) I knew, when the woman I ended up having an affair with and I became close, we started talking about personal things. Things that should not be discussed between a man and woman not related. Now, it would have been helpful to have been aware of where the boundary was, but, in truth, I should have known. Of course, now the red flags go up if I stray past talking about the weather with another woman, but I like it better that way.
So, just a word of caution: if your husband tells you that his friendship with his female colleague, acquaintance, etc. is good because they can really "talk" to each other, or if he and she seem too friendly, tell him to back off. No good can come of something like that, even if it seems harmless.
Back to my story, while I did know this woman for 4 years, it was not until we both confessed to each other how unhappy we were in our marriages that the period of bad decisions began. This actually happened over about a year. One conversation led to another, and I guess we just became more comfortable about confiding in each other. So there it was, and it literally went from friendship to out of control in a matter of days. It is all a blur. The term "slippery slope" comes to mind. I went from respected member of society to cheating on my wife in no time at all. That should scare the shit out of everyone. It is easy to judge people like me if you haven't been there, but the truth is we are all one small step away from personal disaster, and we should have our guard up at all times. Especially men. For whatever reason, I think men are inherently weak when it comes to women and can be easily deceived. Not to say that I wasn't at fault, because I totally own what I did. It's just harder for a man, especially in an unhappy or stressed marriage, to fall.
So I cheated. It was one of those pivotal moments in your life when you know that the decision you make could have lasting and devastating consequences to you and everyone around you. I liken it to strapping dynamite to my torso and walking into a room filled with my family and friends, and then detonating the explosives. While not everyone will be terminally wounded, everyone, depending on their closeness to me, will have some sort of injury.
Why did I do it? I wish I knew. I do a pretty good job of beating myself up about this on a regular basis. I have a lot of "If only I had not..." moments.
But I did, and by doing it I put my marriage, my family, and my job on the line. Oh, the places we will go.
And was it worth it? I can honestly say that it was not worth it. I would do anything to go back and undo what I did. I do not believe that there is anything in my life that I have done that I regret more than this affair. It was selfish and wrong and violated the very core of what I thought to be me. And it hurt everyone I care about. I am going to save the rest for another post.
Virtual Voyeurism anyone? Get it here, it's addicting as all getout.
I know what you're thinking ...no, dear, NONE of these confessions are mine ... but there are pinches of kindred recognition in a few. A sampling for you (because I couldn't resist sharing some)~Be warned: some PG-13/R-rated language and word-picture nudity here. Have a serving of Reality, a la mode:
First, the Bad News
Confession #695
I truly regret that I was such a bitch to my college sweetheart. Because he was a wonderful, caring man. I was so possessive and had such low self-esteem that I got jealous at the drop of a hat. And he paid the price. And I was also too stupid to know what a gem he truly was. Now he's married with children. I don't mind when you make up some stupid excuse not to come with me to visit my parents. Because when you don't come with, I drive past his house at night hoping that maybe I'll see his face through a window or tinkering around in his garage. I've been doing this for 6 years. Recently, I got a glimpse of him. As the garage door was closing, he was taking milk out of his truck and heading into his house. He has no idea I drive by.
Confession #706
What is the matter with you? I offer to give you blow jobs and you say no, it's too ticklish? I had boyfriends who told me that religions could be based on my mouth...I have old boyfriends who would LOVE for me to show up on their doorstep and offer BJ's. It amazes me that we ever had a baby. Clearly it was through my own sheer determination.AND you have one of the most sexually adventurous, liberated wives EVER...but what do you want to do every time? Climb on top and finish. OR let me do all the work on top...or thrust at my ass. When I suggest other positions or toys, you roll your eyes and turn me down.How did two such sexually incompatible people EVER end up together??
Confession #697
You bitch about how we're broke but yet you spend money on stupid shit. Meanwhile, I'm scraping coins out from under the seats of my car so I can buy a can of soda at work. This week, other than gas money, I've spent a total of $5...you've gone through at least $200 on CRAP. STOP. PAY THE BILLS. GROW THE FUCK UP.
Confession #688
It really hurts me deeply to be rejected by you sexually time and time again.
Confession #654
I can't be 'cool' or 'relaxed' about this. I feel undesirable. I feel unwanted. I can accept that your libido is low because of all the stress you face at work, but to find this stuff on your computer feels like a kick in the teeth. There's a woman right here, in your house, who'd be happy to get naked for you. Confession #665You are all talk and NO action. You say things need to change but then you never do anything about it. You expect me to change first. I'm tired of waiting. Be proactive in this family and act like the man! Stop hiding from us. Stop working late to avoid things; stop hiding in the bathroom to take a crap four times a night; stop having to "run" to the store.
Confession #660
I found your porn and you lied about it. Looked me in the eye and lied.
I told you before how I feel about that. I take really good care of myself, a lot of men find me attractive, it's wrong to spend all of your sexual energy on porn and leave nothing for your wife. I've got news for you, you want to stay with me, you will pay the price. The only way I will stay with you after this humiliation is by cheating. When I go on my trip next month I am going to cheat on you. I will find a man that makes me feel beautiful and sexy, and then I will give him everything that I now refuse to give you. You made me feel so badly about myself, you Bastard.
Ouch. So many hurting people, ya'll. I told you so, but it's not a happy feeling to be so right.
And now The Good News (Okay, here's a confession from me: I am totally envious of these women and pray someday to be able to write one of these! It's reassuring to see these words, though, even if I can't claim them yet):
Confession #701
I don't really believe in reincarnation, but there are times when I think I must have done something very virtuous in a previous life, to be rewarded with you in this one. I wake up every morning glad that I'm married to you, and get excited every evening when you walk through the door. Even though we've been together for years, you still make me as giddy as a first crush. You're an amazing husband, father, and friend, and I can't believe my good luck. I love you so much.
Confession #671
I married you partially because we were so fucking hot together. And here we are, years later, still hotter than ever. I love you more and more every day. You are an amazing father, a wonderful husband and still turn me into an animal in the bedroom. I know how lucky I am to have you and when you tell me the same, I know we will be together forever. Thank you for being the special person you are, and thank you for making me feel so incredibly loved on a daily basis.
Confession #683
I love that we are honest and open with each other. We are best friends in every sense.(even when honesty hurts)I love our sex, you absolutely make me feel so good I think Im addicted to making love to you.
Confession #677
I confess, I want to have sex with you at least twice a day. And I really love the fact that you like to receive oral so much. You're the best, most competent and thoughtful lover I've ever had, and being with you makes me breathless...Over and over again!
Confession #674
I love looking at you from behind, when you are walking away and don't know it. I love your runner's body and your strong legs and tight behind. Mostly though, I love that you are attracted to me and can't keep your hands off me
I'm nowhere near dealing with all I have mulled over in the last few weeks, let alone the last 10 months ... but I'm less an ostrich about it than ever before.
I've always had trust issues with men, as I've mentioned previously so this really fcuks me up on a lot of levels. Have no idea all the ramifications, but on some level I'm sure I am still waiting for The Husband to be secretly longing to get out of the marriage, etc. It's an underlying fear (sometimes an underlying panic) that effects a lot of what I do/think/act. With that said, I'm going to note some concrete things I've done in the 180-degree department. Been noticed? I've no idea. But have to say I am quite content with myself regardless.
First off, as ya'll know I grew up in a crappy house with a lot of b*tching and sarcasm and snippy tones. Very mean undercurrents going on, and one of the things I disliked the most there (aside from the outright abuse, thankyouverymuch) were the tones of voice in my household of origin. I cannot emphasize this enough. People were always negative, even to the point of arguing with the TV, finding the worst in every situation, etc. and their tone was sharp-edged and wounding. Well, true to form, what I hated the most I had become. My tone of voice can be just like my mother's when I'm impatient, mad, or selfish. Or even when I'm none of the above. Was just hard-wired like that way back when. I've made a real effort post-adultery (when I had all the reason in the world to be a tone-of-voice nazi) to not be that person. I have failed miserably for the most part on COUNTLESS occasions since December, trust me. But the awareness of what my goal is and what I'm trying to do is big for me: Ms. Don't-Look-At-Anything-Negative-About-Self-And-Actually-Try-To-Change-It.
But lately (as in the last week consistently) I HAVE been really changing my tone of voice in all situations. Not doormat-ish, just softer and more friendly. I had been noticing my voice when I dealt with relative strangers. When saying 'hello' and 'thank you' at my gym to the trainers, my voice was really nice to hear and I kept thinking about it. Like, wow, I do have a pleasant voice if I can just harness it at home with my family. So I've been attempting that more, and this week it seems to be sticking more often, praise God. So that's happy 180 Number One.
Number Two is somewhat related to the voice. My daughter just had a birthday, and her party was last weekend. Every year, I turn into stark-raving-stepford-lunatic-b*tch in preparation for her parties. The invitations, decorations, et al. must be perfect. Yes, because I love my child and want things great for her, but I mow down everyone in the house during the prep ... and am tense as crap. God, what a nightmare I have been. ugh. Anyway, last year we had quite a nice party for her, but I remember The Husband said afterward (in another attempt to point out things about me that I was not seeing) that I had been rude & short with him in front of the other parents at the party (some unimportant crap about bringing out the hot dogs, who knows?). And you know, I just hadn't really noticed. And quite honestly, didn't much give a sh!t because again, I have been a real b*tch in my former life. Well, about 3 months after that, my world caved in and I remember this example of something that humiliated (emasculated?) him. I rarely, if ever, showed him real respect and admiration after we were married a while.
SO. Fast forward to last week. I was so laid back about this party it amazed me. Everything was still nice, but not down-to-the-minute perfect. Things I would have prepped ahead of time, I turned into a craft for the girls to do themselves (decorating their goody bags). AND, big incident. Weeks ago, I ordered a pinata on eBay, paid WAY too much money for it and WAY too much to ship it. Basically was an idiot because my daughter wanted a certain one, and I couldn't find it anywhere else. Nevermind that we are on the brink of financial ruin: Caution to the wind!
So, The Husband and I opened it up when it arrived. We looked at it and then boxed it back up. I put it in the garage -on his work desk- to be worried with closer to time (i.e. the night before the party) when we needed to fill it with candy. So, at such a time, the Zero Hour, this box cannot be found. We conclude that perhaps The Husband took it to the dump thinking it was an empty shipping box because hey, pinatas are so light the box weighed nothing. Old Me? Would've fcuking KILLED him, raged from one end of the house to the other about how he had ruined his daughter's birthday. Not so obviously b*tchy mind you, just subtly jabbing him with verbal barbs all night. New Me? Never raised my voice, or changed it from my friendly tone. I said it was no big deal, told him it was nobody's fault, and that we'll think of something else to do for a game. I went upstairs to calmly break the news to our daughter that we'd lost the pinata (with The Husband silently at her bedside, feeling like crap by himself) and Sweet Girl said "that's okay" and together we thought of another game to play with the candy. Crisis over, very expensive pinata gone and all is well regardless. And I never brought it up again. Went on about my business, no seething, no nothing. Just forgot about it. Over and out.
Sounds lame, but this is HUGE ya'll. I swear. Did The Husband jump up and down and have a parade for me? No, of course not. He never even mentioned it. Because even if he noted the change to himself (which I have no idea), he needs to see this change longterm in order to feel 'safe' about it, I am sure. But I felt so at peace about the way I was (compared to the old me) that night, I wanted to take out a full page ad in my paper: Alert the Media! Look! I can change! I was able to let it go (and the fact that I wasn't seething internally proves that I REALLY let it go) and accepted and forgave the offense. Big. Because really, I've given up the idea that this defines me. I've given up the idea that because something went wrong in my plan for the event, there's something wrong inside me that people will see. That's huge.
I'm pleased with these internal changes because I've just NOT been really good at them so far. Recognizing them, yes. Acting to change them, no. But finally I am having some success. Even if The Husband never cares about them, I do. I want to be more of this person in ANY relationship that I have, be it my marriage or with another man in the future (God forbid, but ya gotta think about it). I'm so grateful for this chance to fix my garbage permanently.
Not like I won't still fall down and fail at times, but I am happy with the forward movement.
We were living here in Stepford -in a rental. The Husband still loved me. He had been employed by WorkYouToDeath, Inc. for about a year and had just flown out to California on a business trip a few days prior. I thanked God all week he had not been flying that day.
My mother, to whom I no longer speak, was visiting from The State of MyBadChildhood.
My children were babies, and I wish I could rewind and raise them then with the self-aware mommy I am now. My television stayed on 24/7 for days, as I'm sure yours did too.
I cried a lot, as I'm sure you did too.
Say what you want today, I really liked my President that week. He made me feel safe and cared for.
The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. -Marcel Proust
The Husband sent me the following in an email back in May, when we were doing remarkably well in the aftermath. We hit some rocks in June and haven't quite returned to this nice place we had been. Just found it and was reminded of a peak amongst the valleys:
I listened to this song, "All These Years", by Sawyer Brown, tonight, and while the story itself is not completely accurate to our situation (although you could turn the genders around to make me the one who had the affair), it is moving, and presents a situation similar to you and me. And it gives hope, which is what I like about it. It is also a very beautiful song and melody.
She likes adventure with security
And more than one man can provide
She planned adventure feeling sure that he
Would not be home 'til after five
He turned on the lights and turned them off again,
And said the one thing he could say
All these years
Where have I been
I've been down the road to work and home again
And I'm still here
Until I'm gone
And don't you rub it in too hard that I've been wrong
All these years
She said, "You're not the man you used to be"
And He said, "Neither is this guy"
She said, "There's some things you refuse to see...But I guess sometimes so do I"
She made no excuse why she was lying there,
She said the one thing she could say
All these years
What have I done?
I made your supper and your daughter and your son
Still I'm here,
And still confused
But I can finally see how much I stand to lose
All these years
...I'm still here
And so confused
But I can finally see how much I stand to lose,
All these years.
Ah, the iPod, it doth spew forth. I have loved my Indigo chicks for years and years. So many of their songs pierce right to where I am. This song is no different.
the thin horizon of a plan is almost clear my friends and i have had a tough time bruising our brains, hard up against change all the old dogs and the magician
now i see we're in the boat in two by twos, only the heart that we have for a tool we could use and the very close quarters are hard to get used to love weighs the hull down with its weight
but the wood is tired and the wood is old and we'll make it fine if the weather holds but if the weather holds, then we'll have missed the point that's where i need to go
no way construction of this tricky plan was built by other than a greater hand with a love that passes all out understanding watching closely over the journey
yeah but what it takes to cross the great divide seems more than all the courage i can muster up inside although we get to have some answers when we reach the other side the prize is always worth the rocky ride
but the wood is tired and the wood is old and we'll make it fine if the weather holds but if the weather holds we'll have missed the point that's where i need to go
sometimes i ask to sneak a closer look skip to the final chapter of the book and then maybe steer us clear from some of the pain it took to get us where we are this far
but the question drowns in it's futility and even i have got to laugh at me no one gets to miss the storm of what will be just holding on for the ride
Hm. Five years of French in a former life, and I still don't know how to say Life is Sh!t (The Life: It is Sh!t is my attempt). Any francophiles want to chime in here?
Anyway, it is (merde) and it ain't. Personally, I've been doing some hard thinking about myself, my past, how & why I relate to people (read: The Husband) the way that I do, and what I like and do not like about myself. Happily, I like more than I expected to about moi, and what I do not like I am finally free to look at full in the face and decide what I'm going to do about it. That would not have happened without my life being up-ended in this tragic way, I truly believe. I would give anything to have peeled off layers of myself without the acid of adultery thrown on me, but really, people. The Husband tried to get me to look at myself and our relationship for years, and I just wasn't going there. Until he turned away. So there's that currently going round in my little head.
Plus, I just don't know how long it will be before we hear from The Husband again, Sports Fans. He's having an upheaval of sorts right now. Have I mentioned previously that adultery cost him his job? I think I did. What I haven't mentioned (and promise to fill in any gaps about it all after The Husband has his turn at the details) is that I -like an emotional lunatic upon discovery of it- turned him in to his superiors without ever having confronted him first. We both made grave errors in the desert. A long story for another time.
Anyway, after the hammer fell in late December (Merry Christmas!), I went back to work fulltime and The Husband has been Mr. Mom for the last 9 months while collecting unemployment and starting his own business. And in God's great irony (that prankster!) the unemployment checks have run out right at the same time the new business has lulled temporarily. Bad, bad timing when you need one or both to pay the mortgage. So, manly man that The Husband is, he is feeling punished and b*tch-slapped as a failure for putting our financial 'lives' in jeopardy, as I work a lot to try to make up the difference, and just can't (too much overtime + mondo taxes w/drawn = not a happy Net paycheck). I have to say, I do not 'blame' him or have resentment or anger about returning to work or the finances -and this is where he worries and agonizes. I worry and agonize over the relationship, and that's not the bone he chews on. Different strokes.
We were in marriage counseling today, and she asked us what we would need to have fun together. I think I heard crickets chirping in the silence. When did this happen to us, this leading completely separate lives and no idea how to cross the great divide? It's like that stretch of interstate in South Florida. I'm on I-95 and he's on the Turnpike. We can see each other. The roads are parallel. They're right next to each other. But you can't get there from here. The roads do not join anywhere along the way. You have hours and hours of miles and miles of these two roads, and rarely is there an opportunity to find a toll booth. This is what it feels like to be in my marriage right now. I can see him over there, perhaps even a glimpse of him looking over on occasion. Maybe that was just a reflection. Did I imagine I saw him wave at me? But I can't get to him, I don't know how to reach him. And vice-versa. Ah. I ramble. Je parle beaucoup.
So yes, we'd like a little fromage with our whine, thanks for asking.
I swear, ya'll. I keep the Vessel Of The Lord, a/k/a my iPod Mini, in my car mostly (when not in use at the gym) set on 'Shuffle Songs' so I don't ever know what song is next on deck. Lately I have been noticing that certain song(s) will arrive in the rotation just when I need it, or songs of a certain mood, artist, or genre are all grouped together in a car ride that perfectly suits what I need.
Exhibit A: just last night. The Husband and I had just engaged in a difficult discussion, and I was feeling a great weight upon my chest of the oh-my-God-we-are-never-going-to-be-all-right-again variety. I worked nights this week, so I had to leave the house mid-conversation, nothing resolved. So, I'm trying to rally for work mentally while trying not to cry on the way. I push Play on the iPod, and GOD SPEAKS. Well, you know. In his way. He always sends a little God McNugget as needed.
It's bigger than we thought It's taller than it ought to be This pile of rubble and ruins
The neighbors must talk It's the worst yard on the block Just branches and boards Where walls stood
Did it seem to you Like the storm just knew We weren't quite finished with the roof When it started
So we build. We build. We clear away what was And make room for what will be. If you'll hold the nails, I'll take the hammer I'll hold it still, if you'll climb the ladder If you will Then I will Build
On any given day We could simply walk away And let someone else hold the pieces.
The lie that we tell Says it's better somewhere else. As if love flies south when it freezes.
What I'm trying to say In some clumsy way Is that it's you and only you For always
That's why we build And we build. We clear away what was And make room for what will be.
If you hold the nails, I'll take the hammer I'll hold it still, if you'll climb the ladder If you will Then I will Build
During the time-of-which-we-do-not-speak, I clung to these verses (from The Message translation of the bible, which rocks) like a little grape on a vine. I still look at them daily:
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!
Isaiah 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time.
Habakkuk 2:3
