Back in the dark days of the affair, The Husband and she-who-shall-not-be-named had a thing about the moon. Mainly, that they were far apart, but could still see the moon together no matter what. Cue cheesy music, I know, but ouch, man.
So, of course, the day after the "reveal" I've taken the kids to the inlaws to get them away from our personal Ground Zero, and am driving back home at night. The moon is amazing, huge, beautiful - and Dummy Me calls The Husband. He answers and I say "Can you see the moon from where you are?" and he can't even answer me for about ten seconds, because he thinks it's her.
I of course don't know any of that until later email hacking uncovers it. So, of course the moon then turns into something Bigger Than It Is. You know? Another signpost in my life that Reminds Me That SHE Comes First! THEIR Romance! He Loves HER! Even THE MOON is all about her.
And, hello, we live in the mountains: the Moon is always beautifully showcased. "Look at me!" Look at me!" screamed the moon for a few months. (Fcuking moon)
Slowly, that changed.
One night I was driving home, and the moon was pretty and I didn't immediately cringe inside.
Then, another night, I looked up and thought God did not make this moon for those two people alone.
And then, eventually, look, isn't it pretty tonight with no Ick attached to the thought.
It's been a year since the moon mocked me relentlessly. Now it's just a moon again. Things can change. Hope doesn't disappoint.
The following text is from one man to another, as they try to get under the surface and understand their wives. They could be describing me (or the pre-aware me), before I decided to face and figure it out. And also parts of The Husband, I think. A work in progress.
This sounds like my wife. Something in her past is driving her fears and her need to control everything. While she knows she has these fears, the counseling did help her to better see how they manifest in everyday life. She could not really see this before, and it is important, I think, that I bring this to her attention when she starts acting that way again.
If your wife is like mine (and I really think she is), then her whole life has been spent protecting herself from reliving some trauma she experienced as a child. So she has this tough shell around her that she KNOWS she perpetuates (she flat out admitted as much, didn't she?) She probably believes she is a good, generous, caring person and cannot understand how she could be seen as so mean by you or others (at least as she rationalizes it in her mind). She probably thinks she is just a victim of circumstance, doesn't understand why she is villanized, blah, blah, blah..
You, like me, have a certain amount of rescuing behavior, again probably from your FOO. Being the nice guy is really trying to be accepted and loved, not because you don't think your deserve it, but you know no other way to get it. Your wife needs a protector against her fears. You need to rise to that role, meaning she needs to see you as capable of confronting the dragons in her life. The problem I had with this idea is that when I would do so, it took control away from my wife and her anxiety would set in. So on one hand my wife wants me to take control to protect her, but she does not trust giving up that control to me (or anyone else) because it is just too scary. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. This where the counselor helped my wife to understand the catch 22 she put us both into.
The Girl with the Weight of the World in her Hands
She won't recover from her losses. She's not chosen this path, but she watches who it crosses. Maybe move to the right, maybe move to the left So we can all see her pain she wears like a banner on her chest.
And we all say it's sad, and we think it's a shame And she's called to our attention, but we do not call her name The girl with the weight of the world in her hands.
We're busy with our happiness, busy with our plans, I wonder if alone she wants it taken from her hands. But if things didn't get any harder, She might miss her sacred chance to go a consecrated martyr. The girl with the weight of the world in her hands
I wonder which saint that lives inside a bead Will grant her consolation when she counts upon her need. It makes us all angry though we feign to care, But who will be the scale to weigh the cross she has to bear? The girl with the weight of the world in her hands
Is the glass half-full or empty? I ask her as I fill it, She said it doesn't really matter, pretty soon you're bound to spill it. With the half-logic language of the sermon she delivers, And the way she smiles so knowingly at me gives me the shivers.
I pull the blanket higher when I'm finally safe at home And she'll take a hundred with her, but she always sleeps alone. The girl with the weight of the world in her hands
The power cord to my Mac iBook has broken and I await the arrival of its replacement with bated breath. That is part of the reason that you've not read much of my own words lately. It is not conducive to deep thinking to be tethered to the desktop in the middle of the kitchen. I have been spoiled by a laptop in bed with wireless internet.
Hang tight and thanks for continuing to check back. I have my weekly counseling appt. tomorrow. Change comes slow to Stepford. I look forward to laptop battery power greater than 35%(sigh). In the meantime, quotes and other people's wise words abound.
I was first introduced to this cool little story about three years ago. Fell across it again this morning and thought it appropo.
AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS by Portia Nelson
I I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.
II I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place but, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
III I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit. my eyes are open I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
IV I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
It was barely 7:00 am on a weekday in those post-college, but pre-career days. A job, but not every day. More nights out than in. No 24/7 responsibilities yet.
I had just finished my second degree (the one that would actually get me a j-o-b outside of temping), and had recently ended a 2-year relationship with a guy I thought I wanted to marry.
Then I met The Husband. OMG, he was fun. I was on a date with a friend of his when I met him. And that was all she wrote for The Friend (who was just an in-between, killing-time kind of relationship anyway).
The Would-Be Husband was handsome, he was razor-sharp witty and could make me laugh. Hard. When he kissed me, I could not breathe, it was that amazing. Nobody has kissed me like that before or since. He was totally into me, and played no Typical Boy maybe-I-like-you games. He was in. I was almost in, and it had been maybe 2 weeks -at the most- since I'd met him.
And then 2-Year Guy came back.
And I got confused. I mean, I had TWO YEARS with this man. A relationship. History. Loved his family. And I barely just met The Would-Be Husband. Logic was leaning against him after so little time.
So. I explained to Would-Be Husband about the Return of Two-Year Guy. And then I couldn't stop thinking about him, so I called him the next morning at o'dark-thirty and his roommate answered (sorry, man). Then Would-Be Husband got on the line with his deep, I-don't-even-sound-like-I've-slept-at-all voice.
I was hoping it would be you, he said.
Isn't there someone in your past that you broke up with and later said "oh, sh!t" about?, I asked him.
There was.
Well, I explained, he is my "oh, sh!t" guy, and now he wants back in.
And Would-Be Husband said, But I might be your "oh, fcuking sh!t" guy.
I shouted aloud and louder while out on a plain one day, The sound grew faint and fainter Until it had died away. My words had gone forever, They left no trace or track, But the hills nearby caught up the cry And sent an echo back.
I spoke a word in anger To one who was my friend, Like a knife it cut him deeply, A wound that was hard to mend. That word, so thoughtlessly uttered, I would we could both forget, But its echo lives and memory gives The recollection yet.
How many hearts are broken, How many friends are lost By some unkind words spoken Before we count the cost! But a word or deed of kindness will repay a hundredfold, For it echoes again in the hearts of men And carries a joy untold. - C.A. Lufburrow
After I found out about my husband's affair, I was delibrately cruel to him at times. I felt that he must have had no feelings for me, no heart, no conscience to do what he did, so I would provoke him and say the meanest things to him just so that he could feel the pain I was feeling. Also, to prick him, stab him very very hard with my words because I couldn't any other way. Does this make sense?
=====
Holy cow (moo!), does it ever. I was mean and competitive in relationship with The Husband pre-affair, but not to the dizzying heights it rose to post-affair. And the snowball effect of all of it came crashing down on me like a cartoon avalanche. Long road in, long road out. I need a drink.
Ya'll. I have the bestest reader-peeps in the blogosphere. With permission, here is a thought-provoking and insightful comment on Agonizing posted by JP in Alabama. I didn't want it hidden in the comments forever, so here it is up front & personal as a constant reminder to me, and perhaps you too. I so appreciate my readers. You have no idea.
I have been thinking about you and your family since I found this blog at the end of November. And I posted at the beginning of December. Here are some more thoughts.
First, I *do* think you both should stay in the home and in the marriage. While an oath is something made with God as witness, a vow -- such as a marriage vow -- is a promise TO God. You and your husband entered into a covenant with God as the third party, and that is not something to be taken lightly. You vowed "As long as we both shall live," not, "As long as we both feel happy about it."
Second, I think your husband has been praying for the wrong thing for a long time. Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands love your wives." It does NOT say, "Husbands *feel* love for your wives." What is the difference? Well, we live in a culture that teaches us that love is random and magic -- just like the world & the universe & evolution (but, hey, at least that is a consistent worldview.) Love just "happens" -- it comes from nowhere & descends on you, and it leaves just as quickly. Reference all the Hollywood types leaving spouses for someone else -- "We didn't mean to fall in love on the set, it just happened. We never wanted to hurt anyone."
BUT if we believe what God tells us in the Bible, we know that *isn't* how God operates. He loves us when we don't deserve it -- consistently and forever. He may be angry and disgusted by sin (the Isrealites in the desert?) but He has promised to never forsake us. I fully believe what my campus minister told me & my husband in pre-marital counseling -- love is *not* just a feeling -- love is a choice and a decision -- and it's one you have to make every day. Ephesians 5:25 is a command -- "Husbands love your wives." Act lovingly towards your wife, demonstrate love -- care for her as Christ cared for the church. God is not telling you how to feel, he is telling you how to ACT.
Your husband needs to pray for God to give him strength to love you and care for you -- not just "feel" loving. Often, when you are faithful in the actions, the feelings follow -- the actions create the feelings, not the other way around.Third, all of our marriages *do* glorify God -- the Bible says they are a picture of Christ's love for the church -- and that still doesn't mean they will all be happy. God is making us holy -- and we will struggle in and out of our marriages until Christ comes again. But look again at Christ and the church -- we were guilty, dead in our trespasses and sins -- and Christ *died* for us. He willingly suffered the humiliation of death on the cross for people who did *not* deserve redemption. I think your marriage right now is a reflection of the suffering -- but it *is* a picture of redeption, as well. You are both still there -- it is an act of love that your husband is there because it is the right thing -- even if you think you don't deserve it because of your attitude & self-protection. And it is an act of love that you are still there fighting despite betrayal and the affair.
Next, (I lost track of my numbers) a year, two, five -- these are short amounts of time in light of eternity. It may take a long time for you to work though the yuck -- but that is the blink of an eye to God. And THAT is why the vow and the little piece of paper are important. All marriages go through highs & lows -- but if divorce just isn't an option no matter what, you have lots of incentive to work through whatever happens -- and the comfort of knowing your spouse has the same incentive. And with faith, I believe God will bring you through the valley -- even if you can't see any possible path right now -- and I belive you will stand on the mountain with your husband one day and say, "Wow."
I spent December reflecting on a comment you made in an earlier post. We are to praise God IN all things, not FOR all things. You do not ever have to get to a point where you are thankful for this period in your marriage -- but God is still good.I will continue to pray for you.
I need this implanted in my brain, branded on my heart, a tattoo with these words across my forehead. Thank you, oh Wise Internet Sages for your wisdom:
Whenever ANY negative thoughts come into your head, start thanking God immediately that He is at work in your life RIGHT NOW and none of this is any surprise to Him. And even knowing all that would lead you here, He has provided a way. Ask Him to lead you to it. Just praise Him. Where you can't see a way, thank God He sent The Waymaker.
This song makes me think of my marriage pre-infidelity and The Husband's go-go-go busy-ness, even now. Also how I stayed preoccupied prior to the affair to avoid the real part of the relationship. Oh, to go back in time and get a mulligan on love.
There's always just one more thing There's always another task There's always I just have one more small favor to ask And everything is urgent and everything is now I wonder what would really happen if I stopped somehow
I'll be there in a minute Just a few places to go You wake up a few years later and your kids are grown
And everything is important But everything is not At the end of your life your relationships are all you're got And love to me is when you put down that one more thing and say I've got something better to do And love to me is when you walk out on that one more thing and say Nothing will come between me and you Not even one more thing
There will never be an end to The request upon your time It's your place to stand up and tell the world You've got to rest awhile
And everything is important But everything is not At the end of your life your relationships are all you've got And love to me is when you put down that one more thing and say I've got something better to do And love to me is when you walk out on that one more thing and say Nothing will come between me and you Not even one more thing
ag.o.ny (ag'uh-nee): extreme and generally prolonged pain; intense physical or mental suffering.
And that's what happens when I take my eyes off the center line. It's like a bunch of mini panic attacks, but they're quiet and deep inside me, not always visible to anyone else.
Except when they leak out through the cracks in my soul. Like the other night, I had to leave work because I could not function. I could not even get it together enough to be embarrassed by it, the onslaught of continual tears. I simply could not stop. The kind people I work with called in a replacement and sent me home with a hug, dumbfounded by their formerly funloving, enthusiastic co-worker coming undone.
Yes, a byproduct of physical exhaustion as well, but truly, I've been slowly coming undone all of my life, really, and I just cannot fake it well any longer. (could there BE any more commas in that sentence?)
The Husband has left it up to me whether to leave. He has given up the fight, no longer caring enough to chase me down, for those of you that remember how I tested old boyfriends.
I won't leave. I love him. Dammit, I don't know how I feel about that. Part of me is proud that I love him, he's my husband and a wonderful kind thoughtful person. The other part feels like a jackass, because he doesn't love me back and has loved another in the interim. He is here because it's the 'right thing to do' and our children are happy, and he's praying that God will change his heart toward me (made ever so difficult by my fcuking insanity -truly- at the end of the suck job that was 2006), and he's been praying to love me again long before the affair happened. Unbeknownst to me until post-affair.
It begs the question: how much more like sh!t can one possibly feel? It makes me nauseated if I dwell upon these things, and the little Cuisinarts take up residence in my chest, set on grind or puree. I start to crack open, and while some of that is good, and needed, it also is frightening. Because I don't have six months to weep in a rubber room, I still have to function in the world, work at a high-stress job, interact with my children in a healthy way, and figure out how to truly communicate with The Husband with limited interaction time.
For the last year, I have been concerned that if I started to open up my soul, that the wounds exposed would take me out. And, after the River of Tears on Thursday night, it's not an unreasonable concern. I am a weary little soldier.
And yet.
There is still hope in this most hopeless situation. I have no freaking idea why, but there is. It bursts over me, like a break in the clouds, way too infrequently, but unmistakable when it happens. I was in a parking lot yesterday walking toward my car, and BAM! There is was. A long-term vision of hope, in a microsecond of the virtual clouds parting. Hard to explain, but I smiled from the inside out for that moment. And it gave me enough to to hold onto through the next few hours. Manna for the day. Not when I look to The Husband, because my heart just disintegrates when I focus on him. But when I keep my hands on the wheel, on God, and his Word, I have so much crazy peace.
Which is why I know it's hard for me to spend time with Him each day, because the enemy has had me for so long. He is putting on a serious fight to not give me up. My family has been in his clutches for generations, and I am like the little bon-bon he's been waiting to pop in his mouth for dessert. So how DARE I go and find God, and then try to break out of destructive habits. Well, fcuk him. And the horse he rode in on. I will NOT live another year of my life this way. Ultimately, this is not about my marriage (although it does feel that way most days). It's about my life and my legacy to my kids.
I know God said there would be suffering, and He doesn't guarantee happiness. The Husband likes to hang his hat on that lately, but I think God wants our marriages to be a testimony to His glory. Not everyone's is, obviously, but I'm willing to let Him rock the happiness factor. I've been a sh!tty wife at times, he's been a sh!tty husband at times. I'm going to throw my hat in the ring, even if The Husband cannot right now. It's yank up the bootstraps time. One of those I believe! Help my unbelief! kind of times.
We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us. 2 Corinthians 1:8-10 [emphasis mine]
Or The Message translation: It was so bad we didn't think we were going to make it. We felt like we'd been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally - not a bad idea since he's the God who raises the dead! And he did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he'll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing.
Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy. -Anne Frank
Fare thee well Trading all our words for tea and sympathy Wonder why we tried for things that could never be Play our hearts lament, like an unrehearsed symphony
Not intend To leave this castle full of empty rooms Our love the captive in the tower never rescued And all the victory songs Seem to be playing out of tune
'Cause it's not the way that it has to be Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy, no And it's not the way that it has to be
You begin And all your words fall to the floor and break like china cups And the waitress grabs a broom and tries to sweep them up I reach for my tea and slowly drink in
'Cause it's not the way that it has to be Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy, no And it's not the way that it has to be Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy (don't trade)
Fare thee well Words the bag of leaves that fill my head I could taste the bitterness and call the waitress instead 'Cause she holds the answer, Smiles and asks one teaspoon or two
Don't trade us for tea and Sympathy We can work it out
So, I'm driving the kids to school the other morning.
The way to school is a through a national park highway (part of it seen in this photo here), and early on some mornings it is very foggy, like smoke soup. It's a winding road, no street lights or signs; just woods, mountains, and occasional deer. This particular morning it's a "fog storm," as my son calls it. Very whitish-gray and almost zero visibility in some areas, but I haven't noticed because I'm used to these occasions and keep my focus on the double-yellow line in the center of the road.
Then from the backseat, my daughter announces, "I can't see a thing!" and I look up and realize, dude. It's pretty scary when you look up at the fog. The road is invisible, has no edges, I can't see jack, I can't even see the space in front of the car. But my focus has been on the center line which guides me just fine until the turnoff exit toward school.
And right in that moment I realized: this morning was a microcosm for my life. I can't see a thing, man, and if I look around I will start to panic that I may drive off a cliff. But if I stay focused on trusting God (my center line), I don't even notice the scary stuff and I can drive well in an otherwise precarious situation.
Sometime last month, I read through a year's worth of late-night emails between The Husband and myself from December 05 to December 06. The following are snippets culled from those emails. There was plenty of difficult stuff, especially in the beginning when the affair was ongoing. BUT I only pulled the positive phrases that passed between us, starting at that very ugly time in our lives until the most recent of difficulties. Reading these emails, I think, who are these people? they seem happy, supportive, and loving to each other even in the most horrible times. It makes me want to cry in retrospect. look at the good words between them. they were so much further along than you gave them credit for. At least via email. Face time was not as successful for some reason.
I don't expect ya'll to understand each reference, but this is posted mainly for my enjoyment.The Husband is in bold and I am in italics.
Thank you very much for this. You have said exactly how I feel. [after an email I sent to someone in defense of him]
I know you are a good man in your deepest places. You don't think I feel that way, and we both are having serious trust issues with each other, which makes us rear up and be ugly.
My heart is still close to yours and you are wonderful, handsome, witty, creative, fun, smart, capable, generous and strong. God has gifted you with all of this to survive and thrive and bring Glory to Him. You are a precious son to him, the apple of His eye. You are a child of the King my sweetie. Don't forget that or let anyone tell you you are not.
I'll try and remember all of that. Very hard these days, you know? Maybe God is giving me more material for my book?
I'm so sorry I've made you feel like this. God can do wondrous things, and as long as He is around there is still hope. Not saying anything here but just take it one day at a time.
Just give everything time. I don't know what is going to happen. Who knows? All I know is that we have two beautiful kids together. And we both love them very much. That's really all I know right now. We are a team here, no matter what is going on between us and no matter what our future holds. We owe it to [the children]
This is a part of being married to you, the frustration you have when a project is not going smoothly and I want (and ask) to help, and you block the play. would you have me do anything differently when this happens? i'd like to know. every time i leave you alone in these situations, it feels like a cop-out
Thanks for wanting to help tonight. Hard to believe someone thinks I am right about something.
Thanks for all you do for us
I am where I need to be. I don't want to be where I don't need to be. [after she-who-shall-not-be-named-nor-capitalized tried to re-establish contact with him]
You are in the palm of God's hand.I truly am glad for your company, whether it's across the room, entirely in another floor of the house, at least in the same city, or wherever. And I truly appreciate your nice words tonight and the effort it took to reach out with them. Thank you
I am here standing beside of you.
Jeremiah 29:11-12For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."I found this encouraging tonight.
You did your best. That's all you can do. No worries. God knows what we need Thanks for being my support. I remain, Proud of you
And thanks for your encouragement. It means more than you know :) You know, without your encouragement, despite the huge blow I inflicted on you, I don't know how I could be able to piece all of this together and stay sane.
You are very sweet to say this to me, I appreciate it. I have always been your biggest fan, just never let you in on it before I guess. I apologize for that.
We are moving forward in a good direction, I think. This is fixable. The whole thing.
I listened to this song frequently during most of January, praying that you would want to re-build. Just listened to it again, and was reminded that I am so thankful for your heart for our marriage. I never thought two of us would want it, but two of us do, and that's an answered prayer. Even when it's crazy-hard and 'bigger than we thought' Great lyrics. Exactly how I feel and how it is. We can do this.
Know you're busy, just like sending emails to you to encourage you: I am really proud of you (have I said that enough?)oh, it's fun to see your name in my Inbox :) Goodnight and sweet dreams!
That's the goal. To hold your hand and finish the race with you, laughing. I am all for that. Celebrating you, me
I appreciate your efforts to be a great Mom. I know they do too.
Today's bible verse, BTW: Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9
You're right, this is my theme song for the first couple of months of this year. I have come a long way since then. We have come a long way since then.
i am always amazed at how you tend do the right thing even when it's hard and you don't want to. thanks for sharing parts of your day and parts of your thoughts with me
Want to be a godly man. I do so many things wrong, but the hard thing is always the right thing and ends up being the best thing in the long run.
Thinking of - and thankful for - you.
It was a good night. Maybe we'll do it again sometime. Just trying to show you I do think you're pretty, and worth the effort.
I think you're really great. Have I said that before? Well I'll say it again. I'm humbled by your effort I hope you know I am proud of you.
Have you noticed that I am not emailing you at night telling you to go to bed? I know that irks you, so I stopped. Thank you, that's very sweet.look forward to feeling you behind me.I like you That's a good thing. Lucky for you :D And you too, since you're stuck with me.
It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop -Confucius Move like a turtle--[The Husband]
BTW, yesterday was 6 months for you. Thanks. it has been better lately.
She's so pretty. She looks like her Mommy.
you are a kick-a$$ businessman and i am your groupie. God is good. I am here for you.
Thank you for spending time with me tonight; I needed some of that. Do you want get a babysitter for Sat. night? Maybe [restaurant] and then a walk downtown?
I always like to hear about your day and what's going on, I'm grateful when you share. I appreciate you. When you come to bed tonight will you hold me for a few minutes and let me feel safe against your chest and protected in your arms just for a time? I'd like that. I will definitely hold you tonight.
Everyone wishes they could go back and undo the things they have done wrong, but part of the healing is moving forward and enjoying the progress and seeing how far along on the map one has come.
1 Peter 5:10 NIV: 10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. Message:So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good.
Name one thing that I could do on a regular basis to make your life easier and happier. i may be covered in red powder, but i'm the wife who loves you, who wants to be in a solid, laughing marriage with you. maybe you'll never see me w/out seeing your own hurt, but for now i choose to believe you will. and that i will too.
Good Morning! I wanted to tell you that I think you are a really good [profession], and I know you are making a difference at your work. You should be proud of what you are doing. I am proud of you : )
Discussing our relationship is extremely important to me. I hope you know that. Trust God I do. I will.
I am encouraged very much by their movement, via intimacy, towards a relationship that has been wrong for a long time. Thanks for sending this to me. : )
2 Corinthians 8:12 "For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have."Thank your for what you are willing to give to us/me. The gift of you is ACCEPTABLE and I am grateful for you. I hope you'll feel safe enough one day to know that. Thanks for this. I do feel appreciated by you, but it will take some time to feel accepted by anyone
I care about you so much. I believe I am much further along towards moving to you the part about standing for myself under the guise of standing for the marriage, when you were the one who wouldn't stand for anything less than the real thing.
I really hope we can work through this. I still have a lot of hope and care about you a great deal.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Where is the update? Where are her own words? Thanks for noticin' me, as Eeyore would say. Bear with me, my invisible internet friends. Sometimes the story is in the lyrics, quotes, and words from others. So here's another Wow to chew on from a man struggling to stand for his marriage despite the heartache and challenges. Really made me think. Honestly, I could cradle my head in my hands for the majority of the day, my brain hurts from all I'm taking in lately.
I think about how foolish I was, to think that there is some area in life that is free from the laws that everything else in nature are subject to. Temporary insanity is what that is. If I don't exercise, I lose my muscle. If I don't read, write and challenge my mind, I lose my intellect. If I don't pray, my spirit suffers and spiritual growth stops. Without conscious effort put towards improvement, anything will stagnate and eventually atrophy.
Why in the world did I think that my relationships with my wife and children could possibly be immune to this same condition? That my relationships would just simply prosper by their own volition, without any thought or effort on my part was insane. I've learned my lesson. I strongly believe I haven't learned this too late to save my marriage. I am being what I'm supposed to be, praying that God will honor this daily by softening her heart towards me and that will be enough.
I am finding such insightful things lately that I want to post here. I didn't write this myself, but sure wish I had. It was a Wow moment. I have several Wows a week recently. Revelation and self-awareness is making me yawn alot. It's all the beating-into-submission I have to do with my hopes, desires, and expectations. Re-routing a detour around my usual emotional highway is taking a toll (pardon the pun. highway? toll? ha. I am tired)
Anger is always caused by selfishness (which is one of the biggest destroyers of real love)- and expectations often lead to anger.
I just read a book called "Real Love" by Greg Baer- maybe it's just because it fell in my hands at exactly the right time in my present journey through grief and darkness- but this is one of the most powerful books I have ever read. I also just ordered the follow-up, which is specifically about marriage. One thing the author believes is that anger (including freak-outs) is/are always "wrong".
One can argue about that, but he makes a pretty strong case that such behavior always springs from selfishness and is not only not treating someone with "real love"- it effectively/tragically precludes real love. I know that such behaviors from myself- however infrequent and mild they were- were exactly what caused my beloved to leave and stay gone.
None of us can ever be perfect- but I think most of us can do a lot better than we do. I think I've come so far and then find myself screwing up- getting pissed off at ridiculous things. I do think "die to self" is the key to love. And that paradoxically, being as unselfish and giving and loving as possible, will bring us the greatest joy of all: real love.
The Husband's hiatus from posting to ya'll is, I hope, temporary. While I would love to have his great storytelling ability and insight, it's not a priority for him currently. So! In lieu of 'the rest of the story' from him, here's a recent email that The Husband sent me (shared with his permission).
The lyrics to the Adam Again song "River on Fire." While not completely relevant to you and I, it is the saddest song I have ever heard.
NOTE: the Cuyahoga River runs through Cleveland and, at one time, was so polluted that it caught on fire. In this song, its just an image of the impossible coming true. I think Gene Eugene (the songwriter) was drawing a parallel to the pollution in a marriage which leads to irreconcilable differences; the point at which it's just too volitile to do anything but catch fire and burn.
what would you say if you knew what i was thinking? maybe you do but you know not to dig too deep what if i knew what you needed for sure?
i've seen in your eyes you need more, much more and i could be happy, and you could be miserable i'll grab a metaphor out of the air the cuyahoga river on fire
what can you say, the impossible happens what can you settle for? what can you live without?
i remember the night i first darkened your door and i swore that i loved you my heart was pure
you could be happy and i could be miserable i'll grab a metphor out of the air the cuyahoga river on fire
my open window, a dream in the dark my fingers, your face a spark, a trace
i could be happy and you could be miserable i'll grab a metaphor out of the airthe cuyahoga river on fire i know a lot about the history of cleveland, ohio disasters that have happened there like the cuyahoga river on fire
OMGosh, I am beyond ready to bid adieu to that nasty, nasty year in my life. Just wanted to mark it here: thank GOD it's 2007.
I've never been so glad to see a year in my rearview mirror as this one. It had a few places (very few) that were really nice, but mostly it was difficult and unbearable.
My prayer is for a clean slate from January thru December, that we write new habits and memories upon.
